In english this time
So life could be going better. I feel at fault for a lot of things. I think I'm guilty of making everyone's life around me a good bit harder, especially people I care about, like Rachel, Amy or Ryan.
I guess I could chalk it up to trying to be non-selfish, but I think the fact that while I choose not to give up hope for my own circumstances, I see no progress in sight, so, it is easier to care about a friend who can actually have some resolution in her life I hope.
So tonight, my concern is for Amy. Its an odd situation to have developed a friendship so rapidly with anyone I guess really. I don't know. There was always a kind of aquaintence and niceness we had to each other. A courtesy extended by people who don't like most people I guess. Anyway I guess it happened a few weeks ago that she and I went to dinner together with Ryan and Lauren, and they kind of occupied themselves and we kind of occupied ourselves. It was at that point I realized hey, this person *really* doesn't suck and I can get along with her great. Since that point we just became pretty okay friends. One night though we started talking seriously about life though and since then I guess we've become good friends. We've talked about relationship problems/issues/whatever we have and have had and ideas about other things.
I think I may have done bad though. Honestly its nothing about jealousy, I just care about my friends a lot and hate to see them in bad situations. She expressed some serious concerns about her boyfriend. Like very serious. She doesn't trust him anymore, she can't stand him anymore and she doesn't even think she loves him anymore because hes changed so much. He picks out her flaws constantly and just is a jerk.. I don't think anyone I know deserves to be treated that way. I mean seriously.
Women in general put up with way too much. So many will accept that they have a flaw that ruins them or something. I mean come on, if a girls ass is a size too big or her chest just a little too flat fucking deal with it. I don't know a single guy hot enough to just up and pass her over like that. Her boyfriend has flaws too, its stupid to see people put up with things that they'd never put someone else through. I don't know, Rachel says she put up with similar shit too, and the same thing applies to her.
Why does anyone put up with that. Love? Don't make me laugh, someone who loved you wouldn't do that to you, love is too generously thrown around or more people would understand that. Maybe someone that is unloved back but still loves the other person, but we know by now that love can be a poison and there should be a red flag to stop when someone is being treated like that. Low self-esteem? Maybe, due to ignorance only though. Block the comments of those around you and yeah you'll get a view from only one person. Most girls that get treated that way could have all the guys or girls they want. Physical abuse may be one thing women are taught, but I think mental abuse is something that both men and women need to pick up on. If someone makes you feel totally worthless why the hell be with them. Things like that only tend to get worse with time and comfort. Anyway in short I kind of told her she shouldn't put up with that. I don't think I really was a big part of her decision, but she listened to what I had to say and I think I made a little sense. Just another straw on the camel's back I guess. I just feel guilty about being a part of something that I know will make her cry so much. I hope she will be happier for it. Maybe she won't even break up with him, who knows.
Why the hell do I not listen to myself though? Unfortunately there is a reason this happens. People have some sort of comprehension/action problem involved with love. I know I have it. I can understand that a person you feel for makes you feel as worthless as an ant, yet still feel the same. Its just frustrating, I know if I have worries like that now, won't I still have them later? I don't know. I think being together would finally in a sense MAKE me feel special and important, which is my main issue that I don't feel so much right now.
I suppose everyone falls into the same traps of hope and dreams. Stupid Adam. Good thing I think I'm waking up and putting my feet on the ground. I too have only so much good I can give and so much trouble and frustration I can take. Therefore it is time to tone down. Tone everything down I suppose.
The worst part is though no one will notice, no one will care. Why? Because pseudo-false relationships only exist in the head. I can go for minutes, hours or days thinking I am much more than friends to someone until something brings me crashing to the ground. The disturbing part is that there is always reason, recourse and logic behind most real troubles of the real romantic nature. Unfortunately when you're thinking about what does not exist to the point it becomes reality, someone can pull the rug right out from under you and not even realize it. You can feel cheated on when you were never anything at all. You feel ignored when there is nothing exclusive. You can feel rejected when you were never allowed close in the first place. I don't know exactly, I have issues with limbo. Push your luck and you get nothing though. Its a scary hostage situation with your own feelings sometimes.
Rachel missed class because she stayed up late for me, she missed a whole DAY of classes. I hurt her attendance grade to the point where she will get a B in that class possibly. I also used up so much of her time recently that she didn't have enough time to study for the next exam that she will take tomorrow. So in a sense it is possible I have just harmed another person I care about, simply by trying to express that I do care about them. The worst part is if it hurts her transfer. Shes not happy here. I don't know what I will do if her transfer is rejected because of me. I think she would be happiest getting out of here and away from everyone here, so I'm concerned about messing that up. Maybe I'll lose her but then again due to the pseudo-false relationship fallacy that I've fallen into, I really never ever had her in the first place. When you think about life it seems simple, when you think IN life though it becomes complex. I just don't want to throw her life in what she sees as a toilet. I don't see it that way but she sees this place like that, and perception is everything in life. I'd rather shoot her into the sun than see her unhappy here. Whatever. Sleep time.
Very few retarded analogies. I'm proud of myself.
I guess I could chalk it up to trying to be non-selfish, but I think the fact that while I choose not to give up hope for my own circumstances, I see no progress in sight, so, it is easier to care about a friend who can actually have some resolution in her life I hope.
So tonight, my concern is for Amy. Its an odd situation to have developed a friendship so rapidly with anyone I guess really. I don't know. There was always a kind of aquaintence and niceness we had to each other. A courtesy extended by people who don't like most people I guess. Anyway I guess it happened a few weeks ago that she and I went to dinner together with Ryan and Lauren, and they kind of occupied themselves and we kind of occupied ourselves. It was at that point I realized hey, this person *really* doesn't suck and I can get along with her great. Since that point we just became pretty okay friends. One night though we started talking seriously about life though and since then I guess we've become good friends. We've talked about relationship problems/issues/whatever we have and have had and ideas about other things.
I think I may have done bad though. Honestly its nothing about jealousy, I just care about my friends a lot and hate to see them in bad situations. She expressed some serious concerns about her boyfriend. Like very serious. She doesn't trust him anymore, she can't stand him anymore and she doesn't even think she loves him anymore because hes changed so much. He picks out her flaws constantly and just is a jerk.. I don't think anyone I know deserves to be treated that way. I mean seriously.
Women in general put up with way too much. So many will accept that they have a flaw that ruins them or something. I mean come on, if a girls ass is a size too big or her chest just a little too flat fucking deal with it. I don't know a single guy hot enough to just up and pass her over like that. Her boyfriend has flaws too, its stupid to see people put up with things that they'd never put someone else through. I don't know, Rachel says she put up with similar shit too, and the same thing applies to her.
Why does anyone put up with that. Love? Don't make me laugh, someone who loved you wouldn't do that to you, love is too generously thrown around or more people would understand that. Maybe someone that is unloved back but still loves the other person, but we know by now that love can be a poison and there should be a red flag to stop when someone is being treated like that. Low self-esteem? Maybe, due to ignorance only though. Block the comments of those around you and yeah you'll get a view from only one person. Most girls that get treated that way could have all the guys or girls they want. Physical abuse may be one thing women are taught, but I think mental abuse is something that both men and women need to pick up on. If someone makes you feel totally worthless why the hell be with them. Things like that only tend to get worse with time and comfort. Anyway in short I kind of told her she shouldn't put up with that. I don't think I really was a big part of her decision, but she listened to what I had to say and I think I made a little sense. Just another straw on the camel's back I guess. I just feel guilty about being a part of something that I know will make her cry so much. I hope she will be happier for it. Maybe she won't even break up with him, who knows.
Why the hell do I not listen to myself though? Unfortunately there is a reason this happens. People have some sort of comprehension/action problem involved with love. I know I have it. I can understand that a person you feel for makes you feel as worthless as an ant, yet still feel the same. Its just frustrating, I know if I have worries like that now, won't I still have them later? I don't know. I think being together would finally in a sense MAKE me feel special and important, which is my main issue that I don't feel so much right now.
I suppose everyone falls into the same traps of hope and dreams. Stupid Adam. Good thing I think I'm waking up and putting my feet on the ground. I too have only so much good I can give and so much trouble and frustration I can take. Therefore it is time to tone down. Tone everything down I suppose.
The worst part is though no one will notice, no one will care. Why? Because pseudo-false relationships only exist in the head. I can go for minutes, hours or days thinking I am much more than friends to someone until something brings me crashing to the ground. The disturbing part is that there is always reason, recourse and logic behind most real troubles of the real romantic nature. Unfortunately when you're thinking about what does not exist to the point it becomes reality, someone can pull the rug right out from under you and not even realize it. You can feel cheated on when you were never anything at all. You feel ignored when there is nothing exclusive. You can feel rejected when you were never allowed close in the first place. I don't know exactly, I have issues with limbo. Push your luck and you get nothing though. Its a scary hostage situation with your own feelings sometimes.
Rachel missed class because she stayed up late for me, she missed a whole DAY of classes. I hurt her attendance grade to the point where she will get a B in that class possibly. I also used up so much of her time recently that she didn't have enough time to study for the next exam that she will take tomorrow. So in a sense it is possible I have just harmed another person I care about, simply by trying to express that I do care about them. The worst part is if it hurts her transfer. Shes not happy here. I don't know what I will do if her transfer is rejected because of me. I think she would be happiest getting out of here and away from everyone here, so I'm concerned about messing that up. Maybe I'll lose her but then again due to the pseudo-false relationship fallacy that I've fallen into, I really never ever had her in the first place. When you think about life it seems simple, when you think IN life though it becomes complex. I just don't want to throw her life in what she sees as a toilet. I don't see it that way but she sees this place like that, and perception is everything in life. I'd rather shoot her into the sun than see her unhappy here. Whatever. Sleep time.
Very few retarded analogies. I'm proud of myself.