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A fairy tale by a bored procratinator:
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess named Lila Wingledingle who lived in the magical kingdom of Bunnymuffleland with everything her heart desired. She had mountains of gold, plenty of friends, and a loving, caring family. All the men of Bunnymuffleland were envious of her extreme beauty and wanted to take her hand in marriage. However, the obesity-targeted news media, growing at a more rapid pace than ever before, convinced Lila that she was not beautiful enough to be on the cover of a magazine. Seeing that her dreams were in ruins, she became an annorexic emo. This is her story.
* Dinner at the Wingledingles on a midsummer's evening *
King Wingledingle: This is a fine pork roast you made, dear.
Queen Wingledingle: ...it's chicken.
King Wingledingle: Yeah, well with your cooking, it's hard to tell.
Queen Wingledingle: What?!
King Wingledingle: I said...uh...I love your cooking, and I think you're swell...yeah...that's right. *cheesy smile*
Queen Wingledingle: Oh, okay. Lila, dear, would you like come chicken?
Lila: No thanks, mother dear.
Queen Wingledingle: Why ever not?
Lila: Due to the obesity-targeted news media, which is growing at a more rapid pace than ever before, I have become convinced that I am not beautiful enough to be on the cover of a magazine. Seeing that all my dreams are now in ruins, I have became an annorexic emo.
King Wingledingle: HOW DARE YOU INSULT YOUR MOTHER'S COOKING!
Lila: ...I wasn't...that was you!...All I was saying is that I've become an -
King Wingledingle: AND NOW YOU INSULT ME!
Lila: ...I did not. All I said was that you insulted -
King Wingledingle: AND NOW YOU INSULT THE ROYAL BUTLER?!
Lila: ...No...I didn't...All I said was...wait, the royal butler? Where the heck did he come into this thing?
King Wingledingle: GO TO YOUR ROOM MISSY!
Lila: *emo tear*
* Later that evening in Lila's room *
King Wingledingle: *knock*
Lila: *teenage bratty voice* Go away!
King Wingledingle: *breaks door down ninja style* Listen here, missy. I'm gonna lock you in this here bedroom until the end of eternity or your mother's death, whichever comes first (one can only pray).
Lila: You're such a meany butt!
King Wingledingle: And also, since I'm smart and have consulted other fairy tales prior to the writing of this one, I have decided to cut off all of your hair Rapunzle-style to make sure some young, hormone driven male doesn't climb it to the top of this here tower and engage in sexual activities with you before whisking you off to a dream home by the ocean.
Lila: Wow, you've really thought this out, haven't you?...Oh gosh...NOT THE BUZZER...NO!!!!!!!!
Lila's hair: *falls*
King Wingledingle: Futhermore, I have decided to make the castle wolf-proof so no carniverous beasts can threaten to blow it down at the thought of Princess Stew.
Lila: How did you make it wolf-proof?
King Wingledingle: I bought some bricks.
Lila: Oh.
King Wingledingle: Now, just to be safe, on the off chance that a young, hormone driven male SHOULD enter the castle, I have decided to put you in a deep enchanted sleep so that you won't run off with him.
Lila: But daddy! Won't that hurt? - Ow!
King Wingledingle: My work here is done.
* The next morning, outside the castle gates *
Prince Facknitz: My hormones tell me there's a princess in need of rescue in this castle. Actually, they're just telling me that I wanna get some, but whatever serves the plot of this story is fine with me.
*He ponders for a moment*
How shall I enter? *light bulb* I've got it! *clears throat* Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!
*silence*
Hmm...I know! *blows on castle* Darn, it won't budge. Wow, this is the most difficult fairy tale I've been in thus far. It's Rapunzel proof AND wolf-proof. Hmmm. *tries opening the gate*
Gate: *opens*
Prince Facknitz: Alas! It is not Goldilocks proof! *walks quietly through castle doors*
King Wingledingle: Halt! Who goes there? Are you a young, hormone driven male desiring to rescue my daughter who just happens to be located in the big tower thing, fifth door on the left?
Prince Facknitz: No...actually I'm just here to murder your wife.
King Wingledingle: Oh. Then carry on. Anything to eat some real chicken again.
Prince Facknitz: *makes his way to big tower thing, fifth door on the left* Alas, dear Princess, I am here to rescue you.
Lila: *still in enchanted sleep*
Prince Facknitz: Ah, I was expecting this. Too bad I've been in both Snow White AND Sleeping Beauty. I know what to do! *licks lips and puckers up* AAHHHHHHH! She's been Snow White proofed too!
Lila's lips: *are gone*
Prince Facknitz: Oh, well. I still find her horribly attractive. Hmmm...maybe I should turn the "Enchanced Sleep" button to "Off." *flicks switch*
Lila: *awakens* Why, who are you kind sir? Are you my fairy godfather?
Prince Facknitz: No, ma'am. I'm just a young, hormone driven male who was wondering if you would like to engage in sexual activities with me before I whisk you off to a dream home by the ocean.
Lila: Okay!
* Several R-rated hours later *
Lila: Phew. Well that got rid of the emo in me.
Prince Facknitz: Me too. Now let's be off!
* At the entrance to the castle *
Prince Facknitz: Now all we have to do is make our way across the moat and we'll be free!
*The couple begin to cross the bridge*
Lila: This is easy enough. I thought for sure there would be some kind of dangerous creature or something. Otherwise the author wouldn't have bothered mentioning our crossing of this here moat.
*giant wave forms in water and prepares to strike the bridge*
Lila: That's what I figured. Help me, Prince Facknitz! My dad must know what we're up to! For he has set his "Katrina-sized Hurricane Simulation"
button to "On!"
Prince Facknitz: Sorry, ma'am. Now that I've gotten a little sumpin sumpin, I personally feel no benefits of remaining in this relationship, let alone risking my life for yours.
Lila: No!!!!!!!! *scream of agony*
Prince Facknitz: I had a great time!
Lila: *is swallowed by a wave*
Prince Facknitz: *remains unscratched and leisurly makes his way to the castle gates*
As the years went by, Prince Facknitz felt more and more guilt for not rescuing that lovely young princess on that fateful day. After many guilt trips, he decided to pay tribute to her life by painting a picture of Lila's final moments. He tried to sell his painting to anyone who would buy it, but everyone thought it was weird and wouldn't pay a single penny for it. In fact, most people still think it's a weird painting today. But you know the truth. You know the story behind the paint.
Written by me :-)
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess named Lila Wingledingle who lived in the magical kingdom of Bunnymuffleland with everything her heart desired. She had mountains of gold, plenty of friends, and a loving, caring family. All the men of Bunnymuffleland were envious of her extreme beauty and wanted to take her hand in marriage. However, the obesity-targeted news media, growing at a more rapid pace than ever before, convinced Lila that she was not beautiful enough to be on the cover of a magazine. Seeing that her dreams were in ruins, she became an annorexic emo. This is her story.
* Dinner at the Wingledingles on a midsummer's evening *
King Wingledingle: This is a fine pork roast you made, dear.
Queen Wingledingle: ...it's chicken.
King Wingledingle: Yeah, well with your cooking, it's hard to tell.
Queen Wingledingle: What?!
King Wingledingle: I said...uh...I love your cooking, and I think you're swell...yeah...that's right. *cheesy smile*
Queen Wingledingle: Oh, okay. Lila, dear, would you like come chicken?
Lila: No thanks, mother dear.
Queen Wingledingle: Why ever not?
Lila: Due to the obesity-targeted news media, which is growing at a more rapid pace than ever before, I have become convinced that I am not beautiful enough to be on the cover of a magazine. Seeing that all my dreams are now in ruins, I have became an annorexic emo.
King Wingledingle: HOW DARE YOU INSULT YOUR MOTHER'S COOKING!
Lila: ...I wasn't...that was you!...All I was saying is that I've become an -
King Wingledingle: AND NOW YOU INSULT ME!
Lila: ...I did not. All I said was that you insulted -
King Wingledingle: AND NOW YOU INSULT THE ROYAL BUTLER?!
Lila: ...No...I didn't...All I said was...wait, the royal butler? Where the heck did he come into this thing?
King Wingledingle: GO TO YOUR ROOM MISSY!
Lila: *emo tear*
* Later that evening in Lila's room *
King Wingledingle: *knock*
Lila: *teenage bratty voice* Go away!
King Wingledingle: *breaks door down ninja style* Listen here, missy. I'm gonna lock you in this here bedroom until the end of eternity or your mother's death, whichever comes first (one can only pray).
Lila: You're such a meany butt!
King Wingledingle: And also, since I'm smart and have consulted other fairy tales prior to the writing of this one, I have decided to cut off all of your hair Rapunzle-style to make sure some young, hormone driven male doesn't climb it to the top of this here tower and engage in sexual activities with you before whisking you off to a dream home by the ocean.
Lila: Wow, you've really thought this out, haven't you?...Oh gosh...NOT THE BUZZER...NO!!!!!!!!
Lila's hair: *falls*
King Wingledingle: Futhermore, I have decided to make the castle wolf-proof so no carniverous beasts can threaten to blow it down at the thought of Princess Stew.
Lila: How did you make it wolf-proof?
King Wingledingle: I bought some bricks.
Lila: Oh.
King Wingledingle: Now, just to be safe, on the off chance that a young, hormone driven male SHOULD enter the castle, I have decided to put you in a deep enchanted sleep so that you won't run off with him.
Lila: But daddy! Won't that hurt? - Ow!
King Wingledingle: My work here is done.
* The next morning, outside the castle gates *
Prince Facknitz: My hormones tell me there's a princess in need of rescue in this castle. Actually, they're just telling me that I wanna get some, but whatever serves the plot of this story is fine with me.
*He ponders for a moment*
How shall I enter? *light bulb* I've got it! *clears throat* Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!
*silence*
Hmm...I know! *blows on castle* Darn, it won't budge. Wow, this is the most difficult fairy tale I've been in thus far. It's Rapunzel proof AND wolf-proof. Hmmm. *tries opening the gate*
Gate: *opens*
Prince Facknitz: Alas! It is not Goldilocks proof! *walks quietly through castle doors*
King Wingledingle: Halt! Who goes there? Are you a young, hormone driven male desiring to rescue my daughter who just happens to be located in the big tower thing, fifth door on the left?
Prince Facknitz: No...actually I'm just here to murder your wife.
King Wingledingle: Oh. Then carry on. Anything to eat some real chicken again.
Prince Facknitz: *makes his way to big tower thing, fifth door on the left* Alas, dear Princess, I am here to rescue you.
Lila: *still in enchanted sleep*
Prince Facknitz: Ah, I was expecting this. Too bad I've been in both Snow White AND Sleeping Beauty. I know what to do! *licks lips and puckers up* AAHHHHHHH! She's been Snow White proofed too!
Lila's lips: *are gone*
Prince Facknitz: Oh, well. I still find her horribly attractive. Hmmm...maybe I should turn the "Enchanced Sleep" button to "Off." *flicks switch*
Lila: *awakens* Why, who are you kind sir? Are you my fairy godfather?
Prince Facknitz: No, ma'am. I'm just a young, hormone driven male who was wondering if you would like to engage in sexual activities with me before I whisk you off to a dream home by the ocean.
Lila: Okay!
* Several R-rated hours later *
Lila: Phew. Well that got rid of the emo in me.
Prince Facknitz: Me too. Now let's be off!
* At the entrance to the castle *
Prince Facknitz: Now all we have to do is make our way across the moat and we'll be free!
*The couple begin to cross the bridge*
Lila: This is easy enough. I thought for sure there would be some kind of dangerous creature or something. Otherwise the author wouldn't have bothered mentioning our crossing of this here moat.
*giant wave forms in water and prepares to strike the bridge*
Lila: That's what I figured. Help me, Prince Facknitz! My dad must know what we're up to! For he has set his "Katrina-sized Hurricane Simulation"
button to "On!"
Prince Facknitz: Sorry, ma'am. Now that I've gotten a little sumpin sumpin, I personally feel no benefits of remaining in this relationship, let alone risking my life for yours.
Lila: No!!!!!!!! *scream of agony*
Prince Facknitz: I had a great time!
Lila: *is swallowed by a wave*
Prince Facknitz: *remains unscratched and leisurly makes his way to the castle gates*
As the years went by, Prince Facknitz felt more and more guilt for not rescuing that lovely young princess on that fateful day. After many guilt trips, he decided to pay tribute to her life by painting a picture of Lila's final moments. He tried to sell his painting to anyone who would buy it, but everyone thought it was weird and wouldn't pay a single penny for it. In fact, most people still think it's a weird painting today. But you know the truth. You know the story behind the paint.
Written by me :-)