(no subject)
I'm sitting here at my kitchen table in the house that I grew up in. My parents are asleep, but for the third night in a row, sleeping makes me feel uneasy. It's the fact that every morning that I jerked awake, I feel so disoriented. It's the fact that although I'm sleeping in the same bed I've slept in for the last 18 years, I wake up and have no idea where I am. It's the fact that here, my home, the place where I'm meant to be the safest and most comfortable, is the place where I feel the most lost.
When people talk about moving in between the two worlds of home and life outside of home (aka school), they always say those worlds feel separate at first, but eventually come together to create one world. I really don't know if that's possible for me. Last year, it was school I dreaded, the land of change and unfamiliarity and uncertainty. But now, now that I'm so comfortable in Eugene, so free, it's Seaside that creates anxiety. Everything is exactly the same. Every quirk, every limit that drove me crazy throughout high school represents itself, along with dredging up old demons that I thought were long buried. Even my room smells exactly the fucking same. And truth is, I'm scared shitless to be here. For one, this is my home, and I want to be comfortable in my home. And two, seeing the damage this place can do to me in a few short days makes me worried for what kind of state three weeks will put me in. I don't want to continue the endless cycle of false hope only to have it diminished by the reality that I always must come back to.
Fuck, I'm so scared. Confused. Disoriented. How do you tell your parents that you hate coming home? How the fuck do you look your mother in the eye, see the joy there because holding you in her arms instead of stupid daily reports about your life is so much better, only to tell her that you're sorry, but you never want to come back?
I wish the sea could clear my head like it used to. Now, I only feel trapped in the tides.
When people talk about moving in between the two worlds of home and life outside of home (aka school), they always say those worlds feel separate at first, but eventually come together to create one world. I really don't know if that's possible for me. Last year, it was school I dreaded, the land of change and unfamiliarity and uncertainty. But now, now that I'm so comfortable in Eugene, so free, it's Seaside that creates anxiety. Everything is exactly the same. Every quirk, every limit that drove me crazy throughout high school represents itself, along with dredging up old demons that I thought were long buried. Even my room smells exactly the fucking same. And truth is, I'm scared shitless to be here. For one, this is my home, and I want to be comfortable in my home. And two, seeing the damage this place can do to me in a few short days makes me worried for what kind of state three weeks will put me in. I don't want to continue the endless cycle of false hope only to have it diminished by the reality that I always must come back to.
Fuck, I'm so scared. Confused. Disoriented. How do you tell your parents that you hate coming home? How the fuck do you look your mother in the eye, see the joy there because holding you in her arms instead of stupid daily reports about your life is so much better, only to tell her that you're sorry, but you never want to come back?
I wish the sea could clear my head like it used to. Now, I only feel trapped in the tides.