(no subject)
I feel like a failure. I achieve the usual average grades because I don't try. I can't put my heart into things anymore. I'm tired, and I'm stretched too thin. It's a good thing that I have fall break coming up. It should help me unwind a bit, which I desperately need. But it's not the only thing. I need to find a reason. Well I have a reason to be motivated, but I've found that having goals...they're not quite those motivation starters one would hope for. I need something or someone inspiring. That one commercial for the black college funds or whatever, that's usually been a very good motivator. Seeing that girl helps me hunker down and become more studious. But she's not on anymore. I shouldn't have to rely on commercials to push me though. I guess that's just how sad I am.
It doesn't help that I'm afraid of the future I've been so longingly awaiting. All the time I wish I was in the future, living with Tim in our own place, having a job, etc, but today when I was told about a way to take that next big step I froze. An internship fair is usually a great way to get a job for the summer or during school, it helps further you in your experiences in the outside world, and it certainly helps to have it on a resume for a job interview. But no matter what I always managed to make an excuse not to go to the fair, not to check things out. I don't have time, I'm not dress right, I don't have a resume printed out, I'm no where near graduating. But none of these are real excuses that should have kept me from at least checking the fair out. It all boils down to the fact that, while I've had some of the greatest and some of the most unique experiences a person can have, I never did it alone. There was always a friend going with me. All my jobs in the past? I got them because I had friends working there: Bass Pro, Panera, White Swan, the shooting range, etc. Hell, the only reason I was able to start at the Renaissance Festival was because Ame was there, right next to me. College? Meagan came up to Bowling Green with me. I managed to retain my sanity and make more friends because of her. There is only one experience that I did on my own, without friends, without my parents. My trip to Australia and New Zealand when I was a freshman. But can I look to that one experience over six yeas ago for inspiration?
I know I should just take a step onto that invisible bridge and have a little faith that it's there, that I won't plummet to the murky waters miles below. I know I need to gather up my strength and just check out internships, to go places where I won't have friends, and rely on who I am as a person to help me make friends, to help me grow in the business world. I need to just grit my teeth and bare it, deal with the blows as they come. All I can do is give it my best, and hope that eventually that pessimistic voice that whispers in my ear will disappear...
It doesn't help that I'm afraid of the future I've been so longingly awaiting. All the time I wish I was in the future, living with Tim in our own place, having a job, etc, but today when I was told about a way to take that next big step I froze. An internship fair is usually a great way to get a job for the summer or during school, it helps further you in your experiences in the outside world, and it certainly helps to have it on a resume for a job interview. But no matter what I always managed to make an excuse not to go to the fair, not to check things out. I don't have time, I'm not dress right, I don't have a resume printed out, I'm no where near graduating. But none of these are real excuses that should have kept me from at least checking the fair out. It all boils down to the fact that, while I've had some of the greatest and some of the most unique experiences a person can have, I never did it alone. There was always a friend going with me. All my jobs in the past? I got them because I had friends working there: Bass Pro, Panera, White Swan, the shooting range, etc. Hell, the only reason I was able to start at the Renaissance Festival was because Ame was there, right next to me. College? Meagan came up to Bowling Green with me. I managed to retain my sanity and make more friends because of her. There is only one experience that I did on my own, without friends, without my parents. My trip to Australia and New Zealand when I was a freshman. But can I look to that one experience over six yeas ago for inspiration?
I know I should just take a step onto that invisible bridge and have a little faith that it's there, that I won't plummet to the murky waters miles below. I know I need to gather up my strength and just check out internships, to go places where I won't have friends, and rely on who I am as a person to help me make friends, to help me grow in the business world. I need to just grit my teeth and bare it, deal with the blows as they come. All I can do is give it my best, and hope that eventually that pessimistic voice that whispers in my ear will disappear...