twilight
I can't wait for this semester to be over. What a world of fucking shit. Never have I felt so uncomfortable with who I am and the fact that I exist in the mode that I do. Ironically, one of these factors is how unprivate of a person I am. I've felt so guilty over this semester for always having put myself out there in the past. How unmanly. I still do it sometimes here. Not nearly with the frequency I have in the past. I just don't really like to keep things to myself. I like to feel a presence, I like to recognize and be recognized. What does that mean? I'm a bitch? I'd like to give myself some answers instead of just ruminating and jacking off my self pity. Well, this past semester has been a pretty insecure time for me. I don't know what I want to do, wasn't sure I should have been in school, my friend base dissolved, so there wasn't really much from which to derive support or peace of mind. Sometimes from my self, when I could really feel the parts of my personality working that have been functional/unique to me before. I put myself out there habitually, I think, because even if I don't feel confident in the way I am at whatever time, I am confident there is good cause for it and that I will find my way through. Never until this semester have I felt ashamed for not feeling confident in how I was. I felt a lot of pressure to stifle those feelings, that they were bad and that I was weak, even invalid, for feeling them. I do not believe that is true, though.
I think I like an outside presence, another consciousness, because I've normally always felt really isolated. I don't know why I am going on to justify the fact that I like to have people in my life.
The dissolution of my friend base, I was heartbroken. I remember my good friend Jacob telling me that when he went to college, he found friends but no really good friends. I think some other friends of mine may have made some really good friendships. I really wanted to be able to connect with someone in a meaningful way, recognizing what we are and our mutual functionability, instead of having that or having the feeling of that because I went to high school with somebody. I wanted to prove to myself that I could belong somewhere, and have that work, instead of almost having that instituted by friendship tenure. Well, my promising venture failed. It's not my fault, though.
I admit, it is very, very difficult for me to just let things go. This is an area where I have seen my father in me. Whether or not it is what drives him in these cases, when I feel something strongly, especially something painful connected to another person, my instinct is to mitigate it somehow, to try to soothe it instead of letting it pass. Why? faith in those i love as compassionate, reasonable, civil people aside: weakness. or something.
I put myself out there because once I realized the thrill in finding something that works LIKE YOU, but is outside of you, I didn't want to miss it if it was around, and most times it wasn't. That part is probably true for you, too. Like that satellite we sent, Voyager. Just letting the universe know I'm here. Sufficiently structured and interested parties will respond. I'm aware of my diction's implications.
and imagine all the other stuff I learn!
I am really thinking of doing study abroad next year for at least a semester. I am just so tired of all of this shit associated with my existence, why not remove myself from it as much as I can. Somewhere where I don't speak english. hm
Before, I would just do as I felt, pretty faithfully. No matter what it was. Now I have this other consciousness, and wait, I can't just do that all the time. That is what children do. Instead of doing what I feel, I may stop short in a stupor of anxiety, self doubt and self hatred, but I'm not the impulsive reserve lacking emo boy I once was.
I made a lot of excuses for myself this semester. I took my explanations for my depression as reasons not to fight it, even to slack off on my school work in my wallowing. Shitty. bad Luke. this a sort of thing i've been called out on before, even, pretty harshly. I relapsed, and of this I am unconflictedly ashamed, but I am looking forward. To a busy next semester, and a personally busy winter break.
I think I like an outside presence, another consciousness, because I've normally always felt really isolated. I don't know why I am going on to justify the fact that I like to have people in my life.
The dissolution of my friend base, I was heartbroken. I remember my good friend Jacob telling me that when he went to college, he found friends but no really good friends. I think some other friends of mine may have made some really good friendships. I really wanted to be able to connect with someone in a meaningful way, recognizing what we are and our mutual functionability, instead of having that or having the feeling of that because I went to high school with somebody. I wanted to prove to myself that I could belong somewhere, and have that work, instead of almost having that instituted by friendship tenure. Well, my promising venture failed. It's not my fault, though.
I admit, it is very, very difficult for me to just let things go. This is an area where I have seen my father in me. Whether or not it is what drives him in these cases, when I feel something strongly, especially something painful connected to another person, my instinct is to mitigate it somehow, to try to soothe it instead of letting it pass. Why? faith in those i love as compassionate, reasonable, civil people aside: weakness. or something.
I put myself out there because once I realized the thrill in finding something that works LIKE YOU, but is outside of you, I didn't want to miss it if it was around, and most times it wasn't. That part is probably true for you, too. Like that satellite we sent, Voyager. Just letting the universe know I'm here. Sufficiently structured and interested parties will respond. I'm aware of my diction's implications.
and imagine all the other stuff I learn!
I am really thinking of doing study abroad next year for at least a semester. I am just so tired of all of this shit associated with my existence, why not remove myself from it as much as I can. Somewhere where I don't speak english. hm
Before, I would just do as I felt, pretty faithfully. No matter what it was. Now I have this other consciousness, and wait, I can't just do that all the time. That is what children do. Instead of doing what I feel, I may stop short in a stupor of anxiety, self doubt and self hatred, but I'm not the impulsive reserve lacking emo boy I once was.
I made a lot of excuses for myself this semester. I took my explanations for my depression as reasons not to fight it, even to slack off on my school work in my wallowing. Shitty. bad Luke. this a sort of thing i've been called out on before, even, pretty harshly. I relapsed, and of this I am unconflictedly ashamed, but I am looking forward. To a busy next semester, and a personally busy winter break.