[fic] A World of Lies and Love - Chapter 3 {5/7}
Title: A World of Lies and Love
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Words: 52 106
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Their biggest strength was that they could hurt each other like no one else could, but they could also love each other like no one else could
Previous parts:
Chapter 1 |
Chater 2 : part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 |
Chapter 3 : part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 |
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Kazuya hadn’t slept at all by the time he worked up the resolve and courage to take out that key again. It was hours later, and he had even been visited by Ryo in that time; Ryo seemed to know that there was something off about Kazuya because the younger man kept seeing odd looks being directed at him. The older man didn’t ask about it though, obviously, and Kazuya was content to be lost, for a time, in the way Ryo’s hands felt along his body, and heated kisses that maybe, just maybe, reflected a bit of his desperation to hold onto his world before he shattered it completely.
Perhaps that was also one of the reasons he had a hard time believing that Tackey may be right - the signs were there, but they were such a part of Kazuya’s life now that it felt that, if he began to believe Tackey, everything he had come to know would shatter into a million pieces. His world would be destroyed and he would have to face a new, unknown, world. Again.
It was hours after Ryo had left, and he could only keep thinking about Tackey’s words, that Kazuya sat up and got the key out of the nightstand.
He knew he couldn’t ignore it for much longer; he wanted to know what Tackey knew. What did that room hold that would apparently convince him that everything Tackey said was true?
And maybe, just maybe, he had let more than a little hope into his heart…
Dawn was starting to break when Kazuya finally walked over to that door and turned the key into the lock, taking a deep breath before he twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open.
He had to put a hand over his eyes momentarily at the bright flash of light that suddenly punctuated the fading darkness; peeking out through his fingers, he blinked a few times before he slowly adjusted to the light of the rising sun coming in through the windows. Kazuya stared, open-mouthed, at the windows; he wasn’t sure how, but there was a section of the wall where, other than a small bit of space at the top and bottom, there was nothing but tall windows lining that entire side of the room.
Kazuya almost felt as though he was standing outside; from here, he could see everything that he couldn’t in his own room, and it was as close to being outside as he had been since coming here.
Taking in the sight of the sun rising on the horizon, and the grounds that were spread out down below, Kazuya forced himself to take his eyes away from the scenery.
His turned around, to look at the room now, and he paused, seeing another door. He frowned for a minute; there were two doors on opposite sides, and it was almost as though this was the room connecting the two. Kazuya walked closer to the unknown door, and tried it; it was locked, but as Kazuya let go of the doorknob, he noticed something that made him breathe in sharply.
Hiroki, was the makeshift nameplate taped onto the door with yellowing tape. It was written in childish writing, and to Kazuya’s amusement, pink crayon.
Quickly, Kazuya turned around, and walked over to the other door, looking on the back of it.
Ryo, was written similarly on yet another childishly made nameplate. This one was written with pink crayon as well, though it seemed as though someone had tried to draw over the pink with a bright yellow colour. Despite himself, Kazuya’s lips twitched; he had a feeling he knew who had done that.
So, if this door led to Ryo’s room, then that other door probably led to Uchi’s room? And this room had connected the two rooms…
Kazuya moved around the room; it was a mess of things actually. In a corner of the room, he found something that seemed to replicate what a treasure chest was supposed to look like; it was obviously for children, and when he opened it, he found it nearly stuffed with toys. Trucks, blocks, a few stuffed animals, games…
There was a large table in the middle of the room, and there seemed to be papers strewn across it. Kazuya looked up curious and saw drawings, as well as what looked to be assignments that had been handed back. There were also what appeared to be Ryo’s earlier attempts at writing music, or at least learning how to, if the awkwardly drawn notes were any indication. He shifted through each one, noting curiously that while Uchi’s presence was certainly in the room, it seemed as though there was more of Ryo in here than anything else.
But from the looks of it, wasn’t this just a playroom of some sort that was shared by the two of them? It had seemed like it, but now Kazuya wasn’t entirely sure. He would have expected that he would only find Uchi’s presence in here, as he expected to have everything remotely related to Ryo removed from the room, like what had been done to Ryo’s childhood bedroom.
But maybe that was the point; Ryo couldn’t have known that Tackey would give Kazuya a key that would let him in here.
Kazuya moved onto the bookshelf; he looked through the books, and he couldn’t help but smile a little in memory when he recognized a few titles that he himself had owned when he was still a little kid. A child’s room always seemed to reflect the personality of the child, nothing hidden from curious eyes.
Or maybe that wasn’t quite true.
Kazuya walked to a chest of drawers that had been next to the bookshelf, hesitantly opening it; inside, he found something that made him draw in his breath again. This was…
There were pictures, many pictures. It was like getting a timeline of Ryo’s life; this was everything that was missing from Ryo’s room, it seemed. There were pictures from Ryo’s childhood, from the time he was still a baby, to when he was a bit older; most of those had a man and a woman that Kazuya didn’t recognize, but he had a feeling, from the similarities he saw and the way Ryo was grinning so happily in them, that these were the parents that had abandoned Ryo.
He had looked so happy, like he believed he would always have those two in his life; it broke Kazuya’s heart to realize that that smile would be shattered later on.
Then there were pictures in which Ryo’s parents stopped appearing in, and instead, he saw many pictures of Ryo alone or with Uchi and what looked to be a much younger Tackey. In those pictures in which he was alone, Ryo had a withdrawn expression, and from the age he looked to be, Kazuya had a sinking feeling that it was just after he had been abandoned; his eyes were so sad in those pictures that Kazuya couldn’t do anything but stare at them for a long time, reluctantly moving them to the back of the pile.
In the pictures with Uchi and Tackey though, Ryo, while still a bit sad -looking, was smiling. He looked like he was actually having fun, despite what had happened to him.
Though, Kazuya noted that despite all the pictures of Ryo, he had yet to see one of Ryo as part of Uchi’s family; there were pictures of Uchi with his family, but with all those, it seemed as though Ryo had been the one taking the pictures, because Ryo wasn’t in any of them.
He was alone…after that, Kazuya realized with a sharp pain in his heart, He was never…accepted again, not really… except by Uchi, and Tackey…
As he went on through the pictures, Ryo had gotten older, looked toward a high school age, though Kazuya was momentarily amused that he still looked sort of like the little kid he had been in earlier pictures; Ryo must have been a late bloomer, because suddenly, he looked more like the Ryo that he knew.
But in all of these, it remained the same; Ryo began to lose that sad smile, but never once had Kazuya found anything that indicated that Ryo had been accepted by his godfather. He had never been included as part of the family, and perhaps he was never seen as part of the family, only someone that held authority and control over Ryo.
Was this what Tackey wanted him to see?
Was that the point? That Ryo did what he did because Uchi was one of the only ones who had ever accepted Ryo, and that he only did what he did because of Uchi? But Kazuya already knew that…
Kazuya frowned as he came to the end of the pictures; there hadn’t been anything from recent years, only up to high school. He looked further into the drawer, before coming up with a small envelope, and from the feel of it, it contained more pictures.
He slowly opened the envelope, trying not to damage it, and when he pulled out the few photos, his eyes widened in surprise, and he almost fell over in shock. He gripped onto the drawer, and steadied himself.
He almost desperately looked around the room, trying to take his attention away from the pictures he was holding in his hand; the windows, the chest of toys, the bookshelf, the desk littered with papers, the photos of almost every stage of Ryo’s childhood, up until high school.
Then it hit him, as he desperately tried to look away from what had shocked him beyond anything.
Everything in here held the essence of Ryo in ways that Ryo’s room never had. Ryo’s room had been emptied of anything personal, but here, here was everything that Kazuya would have expected to find; there were more than just Ryo’s things in here, there were things that Ryo found important. These were all things that Ryo had been proud of, or had been such a part of his childhood that he couldn’t throw them away or get rid of them. Even the pictures, they were a reminder that someone somewhere had accepted him, and they held the memories of the ones he had loved, whom he thought loved him back. Although some of these were sad to look at, everything held something important to Ryo.
These were all held in a special place in Ryo’s heart.
Kazuya sat there, realizing what this meant, and what Tackey meant. Of course, Tackey, seeing all this, would realize this before Kazuya did, but…
Kazuya had been right next to Ryo’s most important and sentimental things; he had been right next door to the room that held everything that Ryo had found important.
He kept me close…Kazuya realized with a feeling that he desperately wanted to squash down.
Ryo had kept him close to the room, and things, that he loved; if Ryo had hated him, he would have put Kazuya as far away from that room as possible…right?
And then there was the picture that he couldn’t keep forcing himself to look away from.
His fingers brushed over the glossy photo, smiling sadly; it seemed like such a long time ago, when Ryo’s arm had been around his shoulders, and their faces close but not quite kissing, as they laughed quietly and intimately together at a party, secluded in their own world, unable to notice that Junno had taken a picture, until both of them had seen that flash and ended up chasing Junno until Kazuya gave up.
He hadn’t realized that after he had given up on catching Junno, Ryo hadn’t.
And Ryo had kept it, in the deepest corner of his heart, locked away in this room.
* * *
Kazuya wasn’t quite sure how to deal with all that he had found out and realized, but an hour later, he had worked up the energy to drag himself out of the room and put everything back so that Ryo wouldn’t know that he had been in here, and had found everything. The hope that was in Kazuya’s heart had expanded, nearly suffocating him; it fought against the doubt and stubbornness, and won nearly viciously.
How was he supposed to deal with what he had found out?
He was happy, but at the same time, how was he supposed to act around Ryo now that he realized that there was something going on beneath that mask of hatred he showed Kazuya?
The fact that he had kept that picture of the two of them, hidden so carefully in that room, meant more to Kazuya than anything Tackey could have been able to say. And perhaps, that was the point of giving him the key to that room.
What do I do? Kazuya thought almost despairingly, unsure how he was going to face Ryo now. How was he supposed to look Ryo in the eyes and not ask for an explanation, or not give away that for the first time in a long time, he had more than a tiny bit of hope when it came to the older man.
Kazuya put the key back in his nightstand after locking the room again; he couldn’t let Ryo know that he had been in there, and despite finding out all that, he still couldn’t sleep as he lay in bed.
He would be unable to find any sense of peace for nearly the entire day, as what was slowly emerging as a hopeful truth battled with what he thought to be the truth. The old truth wasn’t putting up much of a fight, and Kazuya closed his eyes as eventually, hours later, he accepted that maybe Tackey was right about everything.
Seeing that room, it made Kazuya realize how close Ryo had made sure to keep him; all this time, he had been sure that Ryo was desperate to get away from him whenever they were together, but in reality, Kazuya had been closer than he had even realized.
But Ryo knew it; that was why he had moved Kazuya to this room. It was why when Kazuya had begun to go stir-crazy in that old room, he had been moved here. It hadn’t seemed like much of a difference, except for a little size difference and the windows and walls had made him feel less trapped, but Ryo - and everyone else - had known the difference that Kazuya hadn’t been able to see.
What else haven’t I been able to see? Why are you doing this? Kazuya wondered as he stared at the ceiling, Why are you so determined to make me think that you don’t care at all about me?
And for a moment, another thought, a daring thought, flitted through his mind.
Do you still love me then?
A sigh escaped his lips, but it was only when he heard the sound of a key turning in the lock and the door opening that he moved from his position; had he spent the entire day like this, obsessively thinking about what finding out all this meant? But didn’t it still not change anything when it came to Ryo? If Ryo was so determined to do this…then shouldn’t he just let Ryo think that he didn’t know all this? But…Kazuya so desperately wanted to know the truth, to see if all that hoping had actually had some use.
A dark shadow loomed over Kazuya, and Kazuya blinked at Ryo’s face.
“And here I thought you’d gotten drunk and passed out again,” Ryo remarked snidely, and Kazuya wondered how he could believe that Ryo still cared about him, when Ryo made hatred and anger look and sound so real.
Kazuya sat up, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. For a moment, if he looked close enough, he thought he saw something flash across Ryo’s face, but it was gone so quickly that Kazuya was sure that maybe he was imagining what he wanted to see.
“I didn’t sleep last night,” he informed Ryo, watching the older man’s expression carefully. Although the look in his eyes flickered for a moment, Ryo’s expression remained as neutral and callous as ever. Kazuya let out a mental sigh; he had forgotten that while it was something new for him, that room wasn’t something new for Ryo. Of course he would still show the same hatred and almost dispassionate anger that he had been displaying for all this time.
“How is…Uchi Hiroki doing?” he asked after a long moment; he needed to stay away from risky topics, and although upsetting, Uchi Hiroki was a safe topic to talk to Ryo about, “And…the search…?” he added.
Ryo had paused at those questions, looking at Kazuya with a speculative expression, “Hiroki’s doing better. He’s sleeping most of the time, and he’s physically pretty weak, but considering how long he had been in a coma, that’s understandable.”
“That’s good,” Kazuya let a small smile cross his face, “I’m happy to hear that. I mean…I don’t know him, but…I’m happy for you. It’s…” he trailed off, as a small realization hit him.
Finding out that maybe Ryo still cared about him didn’t change anything all that much; he would still be treated like he was, and he couldn’t really confront Ryo about it. Ryo would just deny it, and even if he brought that room into this, there were so many ways to explain what he had found. All he could do was hope that, soon, this would all be over, and he could find some way to remain with Ryo.
Or at least, let him be happy. Even if that meant that Kazuya would keep pretending that he thought that Ryo hated him, and even if in the end, Ryo let him go for the sake of Uchi Hiroki; wasn’t Uchi Hiroki what Ryo had done this for? What if, in the end, even if Ryo’s feelings for him were still there, Uchi Hiroki wanted nothing to do with the fiancé of his would-be-murderer? Kazuya knew that he probably wouldn’t, if he were in that position; if he had been tricked and lied to, and nearly murdered for money by Natsuki, he wouldn’t want anything to do with her.
Kazuya didn’t want anything to do with her now. The only thing he wished for more than proof of Ryo’s feelings for him was to never see Natsuki ever again.
So he would keep pretending, and hope for the best when he had to face the end of his time with Ryo. He would celebrate when Natsuki and her mother were caught, and he could only…he could only hope that he mattered enough to Ryo for the other to let him stay in his life.
You’re the battle he’s fighting, Tackey’s words echoed in his mind, torturing his resolve.
“And there’s been no lead on your fiancée and your foster mother,” Ryo said finally, crossing his arms and peering at Kazuya, “Are you sure you’re not drunk?”
“I’m fine!” Kazuya insisted, “Are you…concerned?” he asked slowly, unable to keep himself from asking that.
Ryo gave him a hard stare, before answering, “No.” he stated plainly.
Kazuya smiled wryly at that; just like Ryo was showing him that hateful face, Kazuya would show him what he expected to see, “I know,” he said finally; he could only keep up this world of pretence and lies that he found himself wrapped in, “I know you don’t. I’m just checking.” He said.
Ryo merely stared at him.
Kazuya moved up from the bed and over to Ryo, and as he convinced himself not to show that he knew anything, he began to slide Ryo’s jacket off, before pulling on Ryo’s tie with a hard yank and bringing their lips together. It was a furious kiss that Ryo returned almost immediately; Kazuya felt his heart lightened by that, just a bit. It was a bit of proof, that Ryo reacted to him like that right?
But even if he knew these feelings were returned, there was nothing he could do about them. He couldn’t bring himself to jeopardize whatever Ryo was trying to do.
Before long, clothes had been wrestled off, thrown carelessly on the ground, and as their bodies moved against each other’s, Kazuya let a lone thought cross his mind as Ryo’s hands settled at his hips, and yet another breathless kiss was exchanged.
I wish things were different…
* * *
The remainder of the week passed in a slow, but almost rhythmic pattern. In the middle of the night, when he was sure no one would be around, he would take out that key and retreat into that room; it had become something like a sanctuary. Not only was this as close to being outdoors as he would get, but he liked to bask in the essence of Ryo that remained in the room. And he loved to take in the locked away emotions of Ryo’s that clung to the very air of this room.
Regret filled him, constantly, but it was never about being with Ryo; what Kazuya regretted the most was not listening to Ryo back then, for his inability to trust in Ryo like he should have. If he had just left it alone, if he hadn’t been so determined to get some sort of reassurance of the future...if he had just listened, then things might have been different. He wasn’t sure if they would be different, but...
But maybe, there would be more hope in the future than he felt he could see now. Where was the hope for their relationship when he couldn’t even ask Ryo about his true feelings? More than anything, if Tackey was right, Kazuya wanted Ryo to win against whatever it was he was fighting for, because it was important enough for Ryo to lock away everything important to himself in this room, and Kazuya liked to think that whatever it was would make Ryo happy.
He was stuck, unable to see his future, but also unable to get out of his present.
He knew, from Ryo, that Uchi Hiroki was making even more progress in his recovery, and Kazuya couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to him once Uchi Hiroki made a full recovery; after all, it was only because Uchi was in that state that Kazuya was needed for revenge right? What if happiness at Uchi’s recovery made Ryo lose his drive for revenge?
Kazuya had to constantly shake his head of these thoughts; he couldn’t think of things like that. He had to concentrate on the present, because there was absolutely nothing he could do about the future.
Well...nothing that he wanted to do anyways.
Kazuya knew that there was one other option, one way he could seize control of his own future, but it was a horrible future without Ryo in it, and he didn’t want that; that was why he had never taken up that offer all those months ago.
Kazuya sat up when he heard the door open.
Ryo was standing there, folding his jacket over his arm, as he looked at Kazuya with an almost speculative look. Kazuya couldn’t exactly blame him, he supposed; it was hard to act as though he didn’t know anything, and it was hard to keep from Ryo that nothing had changed when he knew that nearly all his perspectives had. He was sure that he had acted strangely enough to make Ryo think that something was wrong, but luckily, Ryo seemed to assume that he had been drinking, or was going weird from boredom again.
Kazuya had always been content to just be with Ryo, because he loved Ryo that much, but knowing that maybe, there was a possibility for more than just being resigned to a physical relationship, that there was something more to Ryo’s actions, and knowing what he might mean to Ryo…it made him feel regret and a strong urge to do something drastic to make that truth come out quicker.
Kazuya knew he couldn’t, though, since he didn’t know exactly what it was, and he didn’t want to ruin whatever it was Ryo seemed to be doing - and Ryo did seem to have a plan of some sort, though how much of it really revolved around Kazuya and his foster family, Kazuya didn’t know.
Which was why he was left struggling to maintain illusions that nothing had changed, and maybe…
Maybe, for just a little, search for those signs that Tackey - and his hope that he had failed to crush - was right. Well, more right than he already believed anyways.
But even that was a struggle, because Kazuya could already attest to the fact that Ryo could put up a marvellous performance - he had fallen for the façade of the normal office worker that Ryo had presented when they had first met hadn’t he? And time and time again, Kazuya had believed that there was truly nothing that Ryo had felt for him.
Ryo raised an eyebrow at Kazuya, “Not drunk today?” he questioned.
Kazuya could only offer a wry smile, “I wasn’t drunk.”
“You acted strange enough,” Ryo retorted; Kazuya chose not to comment on the fact that it couldn’t have been that obvious unless Ryo was really paying close attention to him, and just chose to bask in a form of caring that Ryo hadn’t realized he’d just given him.
“How is…Uchi Hiroki?” Kazuya asked after a moment of silence. He asked that so much now, but the man seemed to be a topic that was safe to talk to Ryo about. Ryo was normally more content if he talked about Uchi and the progress the younger man was making in his recovery.
And sometimes, Kazuya would be hopeful.
Ryo paused, and then he glanced over at Kazuya, “He’s doing much better, starting to walk without help, since you know, being in bed that long…” he trailed off, shaking his head as he seemed to realize he had a small smile on his face. He looked piercingly at Kazuya, “I suppose I should tell you that due to some of the men talking, and maybe his father too, he knows you’re here.”
Kazuya blinked, and then he felt as though ice was going through his veins. Why was he so frightened all of a sudden?
Oh right, because his fiancée had tried to murder Uchi Hiroki.
“And…what does he…” Kazuya licked his lips, holding Ryo’s gaze, which for some reason, wasn’t looking away even for a second.
“I’m not quite sure,” Ryo said slowly, “He just told me that he knew before I came here.”
Kazuya struggled to gather his thoughts, “Is it a problem if he knows?” he asked after a moment.
Ryo looked at Kazuya speculatively for a moment, “It won’t change my intent to get the rest of your family, if that’s what you mean. However you want to look at it, past that, whether it’s a problem or not, it’s up to you.”
Kazuya couldn’t help but notice that he purposely never mentioned anything that had to do with the two of them, together, like they were now.
Was he right then? Would Uchi Hiroki’s knowledge of him stop Ryo from coming to him like this? Or maybe, Ryo would attempt to hide all this from Uchi Hiroki? Kazuya was, after all, indirectly, one of the sources of Uchi Hiroki’s pain, wasn’t he?
If it was Kazuya, knowing how important Uchi must be to Ryo, he would do everything in his power to cherish the best friend that he had just gotten back. No, not just best friend. Wasn’t Uchi pretty much the only family Ryo had?
After finding out all he had about his own ‘family’, Kazuya, more than ever, appreciated the importance of a family that accepted you despite your flaws, and Uchi was that family for Ryo, wasn’t he? So was Tackey, but Ryo resented Tackey for his inability to help him at the moment…so Uchi was clearly the most important person in Ryo’s life.
Kazuya shook his head, forcing a reassured smile on his face, “Not if it doesn’t bother you,” he finally said slowly, as he reached forward, and tugged on Ryo’s tie, pulling him toward Kazuya even as his other hand worked on undoing the tie, “Though I have a feeling you won’t need to wait long for that revenge.”
Kazuya had been thinking about this for a while, and he knew it would be true. Uchi Hiroki’s recovery only sped up the timeline Kazuya had thought up in his head.
Even as Ryo’s hands moved to the bottom of Kazuya’s shirt, the older man gave a momentarily confused look that Kazuya didn’t miss.
“After all, she’ll have to silence Uchi Hiroki before he’s declared competent enough mentally for his words to be taken seriously, right?” Kazuya asked, though he knew the answer.
Ryo looked appraisingly at him for a moment, before the older man’s lips were on Kazuya’s, as his hands gripped Kazuya’s arms tightly, their bodies pressing close together, even as Kazuya struggled to stay standing, “You’re better at predicting this sort of thing than I thought,” he said, between furiously heated kisses, “Because that’s exactly why I’ve posted so many guards in Hiroki’s wing for the past week.” He stated.
Kazuya finally gave up the fight and fell back onto the bed, bringing Ryo with him, “Circumstances have led me to think like this…circumstances like you…”
Ryo didn’t say anything, but his eyes took on a dark look after a moment, “I thought you were fine with this arrangement.” He said, though it was obvious that he wasn’t all that convinced of that.
“I’m as fine with it as anyone could be,” Kazuya said with a wavering smile, even as he tugged on the chain around Ryo’s neck, bringing him closer and closer, “As long as you’re happy.” He declared, “And I’ve long accepted that while they’re out there, and while we’re like this, there’ll never be anything more between us.”
It was true. He had accepted that while he was here, while Ryo was fighting whatever he was fighting, they could never be anything more. If only circumstances had allowed them to meet in a different way…in a way that wasn’t so full of what ifs…
Ryo was looking down at him with a look in his eyes that he wasn’t even trying to hide, not that he needed to, because Kazuya couldn’t pinpoint exactly what that look was.
Kazuya merely returned the gaze and as they moved against each other, slowly wrestling clothes off, nothing more was said. Nothing was said either as what seemed like an eternity later, they had collapsed on Kazuya’s bed, the smell of sex and hungry kisses lingering in the air, on their bodies, on their lips.
Ryo stayed surprisingly long that day; the sky was showing signs of light, in shades of dark blue and gray, by the time the older man moved to put on his clothes. Kazuya refused to listen to the quick beating of his own heart, and he watched Ryo, sitting up with him, pulling the covers over his own body.
“I have a question for you,” Ryo said almost harshly as he looked over at Kazuya, “This deal…it was obvious you knew that I had physical attraction to you at least. That I won’t deny - how can I, after all?” he asked with a short, slightly sarcastic, laugh, “But…if I told you from the start that nothing would make me happier than for you to kill yourself, would you have done that instead, to keep me happy with you just like this was all an attempt to keep me close - both physically and emotionally - to you? Not that it worked.” He added hastily.
The question was harsh, and the look in Ryo’s eyes was nearly frightening.
Kazuya’s breath hitched, as he looked intently at Ryo, “I’m not a mindless puppet, Ryo…” he said quietly, “Or as easy to please as people around here may think. I’ll do what I want, and only when I want to. I’ll do it for my own reasons. Make no mistake, Ryo; I’m not someone who’ll do whatever you want, or sacrifice myself for what you want; I’m selfish too, and I have my own reasons. I get something out of this deal, and I get something out of staying like this, whether you know what it is or not.” He said firmly, not even sure if he should even be saying what he was saying. But he in no way wanted Ryo to think that he was selfless - he wasn’t. That was clear from the beginning; Kazuya was willing to trap Ryo to be with him, because he wanted it; he could have easily just left it alone, but it was his choice. Kazuya had no intention of blaming his situation on Ryo, or on his loyalty to Ryo.
Ryo held his gaze for a moment, and then he almost seemed affected by Kazuya’s words.
“Then,” he said, and Kazuya thought that he sounded a bit less cold at that moment, “You haven’t changed at all since the first time we met. So I don’t think I can think any less of you for that. And I’ll tell Hiroki that, not that it’ll change anything.” He added.
Kazuya stared at Ryo as he left, closing the room door behind him.
Did Ryo just…?
Why did it seem like that was just another way for Ryo to say ‘I’m glad you haven’t changed at all from all this’; why did it seem like Ryo was just making sure that Kazuya hadn’t been too negatively affected by all this? That Kazuya was still strong and fighting for himself, not just merely holding on desperately for Ryo?
“I think you’re the battle that Ryo’s fighting…” Tackey’s words rang through his head, and he couldn’t stop it from mixing in with Ryo’s words.
“You haven’t changed at all since the first time we met. So I don’t think I can think any less of you for that.”
Kazuya closed his eyes, clenching his eyes shut; it was such a joyful feeling, hearing that, but at the same time, his heart clenched in pain.
Sweet, sorrowful, pain.
Love hurt, but Kazuya had chosen this path long ago. He was selfish too, not just Ryo, and everything was falling into a rocky place, but falling into place nonetheless.
He wasn’t going to back down or falter now.
It was to a slowly lightening sky and sweet heartbreak that Kazuya fell into a restless sleep.
* * *
Perhaps it was just something that was meant to happen.
It was the scent that woke Kazuya up from his sleep, an overpowering scent of artificial sweetness. He knew that scent all too well, and despite the fact that he should have been shocked or surprised, he found that he couldn’t describe his emotions as that. When he opened his eyes, and saw the familiar face of one of the people he hated the most in the world, he couldn’t be surprised at all.
In fact, more than anything, he felt almost…pleased.
Not in the way that he wanted to see her, no, but in the way that he knew he had been right, and he was right that she would find her way in here eventually.
She hadn’t realized Kazuya had woken up, and there was a strange expression of anger and wistfulness on her face as she extended a hand out to his head. From how he was positioned, she couldn’t see that his eyes were open, which gave him the perfect opportunity to reach up and grab her wrist before she could actually touch him.
A startled yelp escaped her.
“Long time no see Natsuki,” Kazuya sat up, still gripping her wrist, turning his lips up into a sneer as he looked at her. She stared back at him, and Kazuya could only feel a cruel sense of justified pleasure when he saw that she looked even worse than her father had. She obviously hadn’t had a good night’s rest in a long while, as evident by the dull look of her skin and the bags under her eyes, and she was staring at him with an angry expression.
“What’re you doing?” she snapped.
“I should be asking you that,” Kazuya twisted his hand a little, and in the process garnered a look of pain from her, “I’m actually supposed to be here, unlike you.” He said.
“Kazuya…”
“Or, more like, I won’t get thrown into prison if I’m found here.” He hissed, “A real prison anyways. Just like your dear father.”
“Kazuya…” Natsuki took a step back, hesitation on her face now, “I know you’re angry about…about what I did…” she swallowed, “But…don’t you understand it was for the good of the family?” she asked, almost pleadingly.
Kazuya let a look of disgust cross his face as he took his hand away, “You’re vile.” He spat out, “You were willing to kill someone for your own greed; why should I understand that?” he hissed.
Natsuki was glaring back at him, “It’s not as though you were complaining when you were living so luxuriously, which was the result of what I did.” She snapped back, “You’d think you’d show a bit more appreciation for the people who gave you everything: a roof to live under, they raised you, and my father even gave you a job, and here you are acting like what we did, which benefited you as well, was something disgusting.”
“Oh yes, they gave me so much.” Kazuya snarled, “I should be grateful that your father has been stealing money meant for me from my parents ever since they died; I should be grateful that the only reason he gave me that job was because he practically threatened me to leave my job before; I was happy where I was. I wasn’t making that much money, but I was doing it on my own. I should be grateful that everything that’s made me happy in my life had been taken away by your family!”
Natsuki glared, “You -”
“Do you know how much I hate your father?” Kazuya asked, “I hate him so much, and while I hate him, you’re the one I find the most repulsive. The ignorance you have when it comes to your family is so stupid that it’s repulsive.” He said so bluntly that Natsuki’s eyes widened at the strength of his words.
His former fiancée opened his mouth to say something, her eyes narrowing angrily, but Kazuya interrupted her.
“I should tell you that you’ve wasted your time trying to break in here,” Kazuya said, crossing his arms, “I have no intention of leaving with you. If anything, I’ll be happy if I never have to see you or anyone from your family ever again.”
“They were your family too!” Natsuki shot back, “They raised you! How can you be so -”
“They raised you,” Kazuya snapped, “I was merely another tool for them to get money every once in a while. In other words, although I didn’t know it, I had to pay money for them to raise me. That’s not the same thing as with you, is it?” Kazuya gave her a wry smile, “Why should I feel sympathy for people who never had any for me?”
Natsuki’s hands were shaking, and she shook her head, “No. They loved you, I know they did.”
“That’s what they want you to believe, but your father had something different to say to that.”
Suddenly, Natsuki looked at him with pity, and Kazuya was taken back for a moment, especially as Natsuki moved forward, “Too bad,” she breathed, “I didn’t come all this way just to fail. I always get what I want, you know that Kazuya.” There was something sharp digging into Kazuya’s skin, painfully; he looked down, swallowing when he saw the knife in her hand.
“You’re coming with me, whether you want to or not.” Natsuki said with conviction, “Or I’ll injure you so badly that you can’t fight me. And then…” she paused, “I’ll involve Tanaka in this; I’m sure he’d love to be hurt because you were stupid enough to refuse me.”
Kazuya stared at her, and inside, his mind was panicking; finally, he slowly nodded, “I just want to get some things.” He said almost hesitantly, “Why don’t you check to make sure there’s no one coming?”
Natsuki nodded, but her eyes were wary, and he turned his back to her as he went over to the chest of drawers. Kazuya didn’t miss the fact that Natsuki seemed to have relaxed marginally, the knife held loosely now instead of being gripped tightly like before. It took all but one second to do what he needed to, and from what he could tell, Natsuki hadn’t even realized what he had done. He quickly grabbed some things and walked back over to her, a stony expression on his face.
The path was surprisingly clear, but Kazuya knew that there had to be a reason Natsuki had gotten in without anyone knowing; of course it was clear. It was early in the morning, not even dawn yet, and if there was to be a break-in, security would have been most active when it was still dark, not when it was light outside.
Kazuya followed Natsuki, hand twitching every so often; it had been the first time he had been out on his own in a long time, but…
Knowing that he was out here because of Natsuki made him sick; he didn’t want to be out here with her.
“You’ll appreciate what I’m doing one day,” Natsuki said softly to him.
Kazuya didn’t answer her, but just followed as she led the way into what seemed to be the grounds. It was the same grounds that Kazuya could see from that hidden room, from the windows that had given him solace, and he knew that if they passed these grounds, there would be even less guards, and they would be off the Uchi estate.
“I’ll never appreciate what you’re doing,” Kazuya said with distaste, “You can’t force someone to love you Natsuki.”
“What are you talking about?” Natsuki approached him, glowering at him, “You love me. You were going to marry me.” She said, even as she extended a hand out to slap Kazuya.
Kazuya took the hit, letting it knock him back a little; he had his hand over his mouth as he turned back around, and then he began to rub the spot she had hit him, “I’m saying,” he said slowly, carefully, “That there was a reason we were engaged, Natsuki…”
Kazuya took a few step forwards, and before Natsuki was even aware of what he was doing, he had locked his hands onto Natsuki’s shoulders and was pushing his lips against hers. There was only shocked silence from the woman, and her eye closed as Kazuya flicked his tongue across her lips, and she parted her lips, trapped in the surprise and bliss that was the one she wanted more than anything kissing her like this - like he had suddenly changed his mind about everything he had said. The knife clattered onto the ground, falling from Natsuki’s hand in her surprise. Kazuya quickly kicked at the knife, barely keeping track of it as it skidded away and out of sight.
Then Kazuya drew away and without warning, he knocked Natsuki to the ground, sitting on her stomach to keep her from moving as his right hand pressed hard and painfully against Natsuki’s mouth, keeping her from opening it.
“And that reason had nothing to do with loving you,” Kazuya snarled in a low voice, “I hate you.”
Natsuki began to grasp at her throat, and Kazuya let go; she made choking noises, coughing desperately, “What…what did you do?” she whispered, clutching at her throat.
Kazuya merely smiled serenely, “What I told myself I’d do if you ever came near me again.” He said softly, “Goodbye, Natsuki.” He said, getting up and walking away determinedly. He knew that there was little time left though, and he was determined to try to get back to his room.
“No!” Natsuki screamed and she flung herself at Kazuya, “What did you just do?! What was that?! Tell me, Kazuya, tell -!”
Kazuya merely staggered out the way, watching as she fell to the ground; he could feel its effect already, so he didn’t have much time. At least he hadn’t swallowed it; he hadn’t expected it to be this effective so quickly though. He managed to make it to the pathway leading to the back of the building before darkness began to appear into the corners of his vision. With how horrible he was feeling now, he was surprised he had even lasted this long - from near the edge of the estate to the building, he was surprised he had even made it back this far without falling down.
Panting a little in a desperate attempt not to let it get to him, he looked up, toward the building, and saw a shadowed figure standing there. It was a figure of heartbreak and sorrow. He simply smiled to himself, feeling victorious despite everything; even in moments like this, he was imagining Ryo, all over again. Of course it would be Ryo he would see right now, at his worst, at his weakest; he had brought this onto himself though. He staggered forward, as his imaginary Ryo began to walk toward him, and there was an expression on his face that was a cross between confusion and hurt. It was what Kazuya would have imagined on the real Ryo’s face if he had seen that kiss just now - though it had had ulterior motives, it was still a kiss. One he wanted to erase the memory of, because it soiled his loyalty to Ryo. The darkness was growing, faster and faster, as he took another step forward, hesitantly. He reached forward, and for a moment, in the state he was in, he thought he imagined brushing the skin of the imaginary Ryo’s face with his fingers, lingering there.
A sad smile on his face, he let the darkness seeping into his vision fill his world completely, as he staggered forward, falling, falling, falling…
Ryo…I’m sorry…
* * *
Next part --------->
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Words: 52 106
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Their biggest strength was that they could hurt each other like no one else could, but they could also love each other like no one else could
Previous parts:
Chapter 1 |
Chater 2 : part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 |
Chapter 3 : part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 |
--
Kazuya hadn’t slept at all by the time he worked up the resolve and courage to take out that key again. It was hours later, and he had even been visited by Ryo in that time; Ryo seemed to know that there was something off about Kazuya because the younger man kept seeing odd looks being directed at him. The older man didn’t ask about it though, obviously, and Kazuya was content to be lost, for a time, in the way Ryo’s hands felt along his body, and heated kisses that maybe, just maybe, reflected a bit of his desperation to hold onto his world before he shattered it completely.
Perhaps that was also one of the reasons he had a hard time believing that Tackey may be right - the signs were there, but they were such a part of Kazuya’s life now that it felt that, if he began to believe Tackey, everything he had come to know would shatter into a million pieces. His world would be destroyed and he would have to face a new, unknown, world. Again.
It was hours after Ryo had left, and he could only keep thinking about Tackey’s words, that Kazuya sat up and got the key out of the nightstand.
He knew he couldn’t ignore it for much longer; he wanted to know what Tackey knew. What did that room hold that would apparently convince him that everything Tackey said was true?
And maybe, just maybe, he had let more than a little hope into his heart…
Dawn was starting to break when Kazuya finally walked over to that door and turned the key into the lock, taking a deep breath before he twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open.
He had to put a hand over his eyes momentarily at the bright flash of light that suddenly punctuated the fading darkness; peeking out through his fingers, he blinked a few times before he slowly adjusted to the light of the rising sun coming in through the windows. Kazuya stared, open-mouthed, at the windows; he wasn’t sure how, but there was a section of the wall where, other than a small bit of space at the top and bottom, there was nothing but tall windows lining that entire side of the room.
Kazuya almost felt as though he was standing outside; from here, he could see everything that he couldn’t in his own room, and it was as close to being outside as he had been since coming here.
Taking in the sight of the sun rising on the horizon, and the grounds that were spread out down below, Kazuya forced himself to take his eyes away from the scenery.
His turned around, to look at the room now, and he paused, seeing another door. He frowned for a minute; there were two doors on opposite sides, and it was almost as though this was the room connecting the two. Kazuya walked closer to the unknown door, and tried it; it was locked, but as Kazuya let go of the doorknob, he noticed something that made him breathe in sharply.
Hiroki, was the makeshift nameplate taped onto the door with yellowing tape. It was written in childish writing, and to Kazuya’s amusement, pink crayon.
Quickly, Kazuya turned around, and walked over to the other door, looking on the back of it.
Ryo, was written similarly on yet another childishly made nameplate. This one was written with pink crayon as well, though it seemed as though someone had tried to draw over the pink with a bright yellow colour. Despite himself, Kazuya’s lips twitched; he had a feeling he knew who had done that.
So, if this door led to Ryo’s room, then that other door probably led to Uchi’s room? And this room had connected the two rooms…
Kazuya moved around the room; it was a mess of things actually. In a corner of the room, he found something that seemed to replicate what a treasure chest was supposed to look like; it was obviously for children, and when he opened it, he found it nearly stuffed with toys. Trucks, blocks, a few stuffed animals, games…
There was a large table in the middle of the room, and there seemed to be papers strewn across it. Kazuya looked up curious and saw drawings, as well as what looked to be assignments that had been handed back. There were also what appeared to be Ryo’s earlier attempts at writing music, or at least learning how to, if the awkwardly drawn notes were any indication. He shifted through each one, noting curiously that while Uchi’s presence was certainly in the room, it seemed as though there was more of Ryo in here than anything else.
But from the looks of it, wasn’t this just a playroom of some sort that was shared by the two of them? It had seemed like it, but now Kazuya wasn’t entirely sure. He would have expected that he would only find Uchi’s presence in here, as he expected to have everything remotely related to Ryo removed from the room, like what had been done to Ryo’s childhood bedroom.
But maybe that was the point; Ryo couldn’t have known that Tackey would give Kazuya a key that would let him in here.
Kazuya moved onto the bookshelf; he looked through the books, and he couldn’t help but smile a little in memory when he recognized a few titles that he himself had owned when he was still a little kid. A child’s room always seemed to reflect the personality of the child, nothing hidden from curious eyes.
Or maybe that wasn’t quite true.
Kazuya walked to a chest of drawers that had been next to the bookshelf, hesitantly opening it; inside, he found something that made him draw in his breath again. This was…
There were pictures, many pictures. It was like getting a timeline of Ryo’s life; this was everything that was missing from Ryo’s room, it seemed. There were pictures from Ryo’s childhood, from the time he was still a baby, to when he was a bit older; most of those had a man and a woman that Kazuya didn’t recognize, but he had a feeling, from the similarities he saw and the way Ryo was grinning so happily in them, that these were the parents that had abandoned Ryo.
He had looked so happy, like he believed he would always have those two in his life; it broke Kazuya’s heart to realize that that smile would be shattered later on.
Then there were pictures in which Ryo’s parents stopped appearing in, and instead, he saw many pictures of Ryo alone or with Uchi and what looked to be a much younger Tackey. In those pictures in which he was alone, Ryo had a withdrawn expression, and from the age he looked to be, Kazuya had a sinking feeling that it was just after he had been abandoned; his eyes were so sad in those pictures that Kazuya couldn’t do anything but stare at them for a long time, reluctantly moving them to the back of the pile.
In the pictures with Uchi and Tackey though, Ryo, while still a bit sad -looking, was smiling. He looked like he was actually having fun, despite what had happened to him.
Though, Kazuya noted that despite all the pictures of Ryo, he had yet to see one of Ryo as part of Uchi’s family; there were pictures of Uchi with his family, but with all those, it seemed as though Ryo had been the one taking the pictures, because Ryo wasn’t in any of them.
He was alone…after that, Kazuya realized with a sharp pain in his heart, He was never…accepted again, not really… except by Uchi, and Tackey…
As he went on through the pictures, Ryo had gotten older, looked toward a high school age, though Kazuya was momentarily amused that he still looked sort of like the little kid he had been in earlier pictures; Ryo must have been a late bloomer, because suddenly, he looked more like the Ryo that he knew.
But in all of these, it remained the same; Ryo began to lose that sad smile, but never once had Kazuya found anything that indicated that Ryo had been accepted by his godfather. He had never been included as part of the family, and perhaps he was never seen as part of the family, only someone that held authority and control over Ryo.
Was this what Tackey wanted him to see?
Was that the point? That Ryo did what he did because Uchi was one of the only ones who had ever accepted Ryo, and that he only did what he did because of Uchi? But Kazuya already knew that…
Kazuya frowned as he came to the end of the pictures; there hadn’t been anything from recent years, only up to high school. He looked further into the drawer, before coming up with a small envelope, and from the feel of it, it contained more pictures.
He slowly opened the envelope, trying not to damage it, and when he pulled out the few photos, his eyes widened in surprise, and he almost fell over in shock. He gripped onto the drawer, and steadied himself.
He almost desperately looked around the room, trying to take his attention away from the pictures he was holding in his hand; the windows, the chest of toys, the bookshelf, the desk littered with papers, the photos of almost every stage of Ryo’s childhood, up until high school.
Then it hit him, as he desperately tried to look away from what had shocked him beyond anything.
Everything in here held the essence of Ryo in ways that Ryo’s room never had. Ryo’s room had been emptied of anything personal, but here, here was everything that Kazuya would have expected to find; there were more than just Ryo’s things in here, there were things that Ryo found important. These were all things that Ryo had been proud of, or had been such a part of his childhood that he couldn’t throw them away or get rid of them. Even the pictures, they were a reminder that someone somewhere had accepted him, and they held the memories of the ones he had loved, whom he thought loved him back. Although some of these were sad to look at, everything held something important to Ryo.
These were all held in a special place in Ryo’s heart.
Kazuya sat there, realizing what this meant, and what Tackey meant. Of course, Tackey, seeing all this, would realize this before Kazuya did, but…
Kazuya had been right next to Ryo’s most important and sentimental things; he had been right next door to the room that held everything that Ryo had found important.
He kept me close…Kazuya realized with a feeling that he desperately wanted to squash down.
Ryo had kept him close to the room, and things, that he loved; if Ryo had hated him, he would have put Kazuya as far away from that room as possible…right?
And then there was the picture that he couldn’t keep forcing himself to look away from.
His fingers brushed over the glossy photo, smiling sadly; it seemed like such a long time ago, when Ryo’s arm had been around his shoulders, and their faces close but not quite kissing, as they laughed quietly and intimately together at a party, secluded in their own world, unable to notice that Junno had taken a picture, until both of them had seen that flash and ended up chasing Junno until Kazuya gave up.
He hadn’t realized that after he had given up on catching Junno, Ryo hadn’t.
And Ryo had kept it, in the deepest corner of his heart, locked away in this room.
* * *
Kazuya wasn’t quite sure how to deal with all that he had found out and realized, but an hour later, he had worked up the energy to drag himself out of the room and put everything back so that Ryo wouldn’t know that he had been in here, and had found everything. The hope that was in Kazuya’s heart had expanded, nearly suffocating him; it fought against the doubt and stubbornness, and won nearly viciously.
How was he supposed to deal with what he had found out?
He was happy, but at the same time, how was he supposed to act around Ryo now that he realized that there was something going on beneath that mask of hatred he showed Kazuya?
The fact that he had kept that picture of the two of them, hidden so carefully in that room, meant more to Kazuya than anything Tackey could have been able to say. And perhaps, that was the point of giving him the key to that room.
What do I do? Kazuya thought almost despairingly, unsure how he was going to face Ryo now. How was he supposed to look Ryo in the eyes and not ask for an explanation, or not give away that for the first time in a long time, he had more than a tiny bit of hope when it came to the older man.
Kazuya put the key back in his nightstand after locking the room again; he couldn’t let Ryo know that he had been in there, and despite finding out all that, he still couldn’t sleep as he lay in bed.
He would be unable to find any sense of peace for nearly the entire day, as what was slowly emerging as a hopeful truth battled with what he thought to be the truth. The old truth wasn’t putting up much of a fight, and Kazuya closed his eyes as eventually, hours later, he accepted that maybe Tackey was right about everything.
Seeing that room, it made Kazuya realize how close Ryo had made sure to keep him; all this time, he had been sure that Ryo was desperate to get away from him whenever they were together, but in reality, Kazuya had been closer than he had even realized.
But Ryo knew it; that was why he had moved Kazuya to this room. It was why when Kazuya had begun to go stir-crazy in that old room, he had been moved here. It hadn’t seemed like much of a difference, except for a little size difference and the windows and walls had made him feel less trapped, but Ryo - and everyone else - had known the difference that Kazuya hadn’t been able to see.
What else haven’t I been able to see? Why are you doing this? Kazuya wondered as he stared at the ceiling, Why are you so determined to make me think that you don’t care at all about me?
And for a moment, another thought, a daring thought, flitted through his mind.
Do you still love me then?
A sigh escaped his lips, but it was only when he heard the sound of a key turning in the lock and the door opening that he moved from his position; had he spent the entire day like this, obsessively thinking about what finding out all this meant? But didn’t it still not change anything when it came to Ryo? If Ryo was so determined to do this…then shouldn’t he just let Ryo think that he didn’t know all this? But…Kazuya so desperately wanted to know the truth, to see if all that hoping had actually had some use.
A dark shadow loomed over Kazuya, and Kazuya blinked at Ryo’s face.
“And here I thought you’d gotten drunk and passed out again,” Ryo remarked snidely, and Kazuya wondered how he could believe that Ryo still cared about him, when Ryo made hatred and anger look and sound so real.
Kazuya sat up, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. For a moment, if he looked close enough, he thought he saw something flash across Ryo’s face, but it was gone so quickly that Kazuya was sure that maybe he was imagining what he wanted to see.
“I didn’t sleep last night,” he informed Ryo, watching the older man’s expression carefully. Although the look in his eyes flickered for a moment, Ryo’s expression remained as neutral and callous as ever. Kazuya let out a mental sigh; he had forgotten that while it was something new for him, that room wasn’t something new for Ryo. Of course he would still show the same hatred and almost dispassionate anger that he had been displaying for all this time.
“How is…Uchi Hiroki doing?” he asked after a long moment; he needed to stay away from risky topics, and although upsetting, Uchi Hiroki was a safe topic to talk to Ryo about, “And…the search…?” he added.
Ryo had paused at those questions, looking at Kazuya with a speculative expression, “Hiroki’s doing better. He’s sleeping most of the time, and he’s physically pretty weak, but considering how long he had been in a coma, that’s understandable.”
“That’s good,” Kazuya let a small smile cross his face, “I’m happy to hear that. I mean…I don’t know him, but…I’m happy for you. It’s…” he trailed off, as a small realization hit him.
Finding out that maybe Ryo still cared about him didn’t change anything all that much; he would still be treated like he was, and he couldn’t really confront Ryo about it. Ryo would just deny it, and even if he brought that room into this, there were so many ways to explain what he had found. All he could do was hope that, soon, this would all be over, and he could find some way to remain with Ryo.
Or at least, let him be happy. Even if that meant that Kazuya would keep pretending that he thought that Ryo hated him, and even if in the end, Ryo let him go for the sake of Uchi Hiroki; wasn’t Uchi Hiroki what Ryo had done this for? What if, in the end, even if Ryo’s feelings for him were still there, Uchi Hiroki wanted nothing to do with the fiancé of his would-be-murderer? Kazuya knew that he probably wouldn’t, if he were in that position; if he had been tricked and lied to, and nearly murdered for money by Natsuki, he wouldn’t want anything to do with her.
Kazuya didn’t want anything to do with her now. The only thing he wished for more than proof of Ryo’s feelings for him was to never see Natsuki ever again.
So he would keep pretending, and hope for the best when he had to face the end of his time with Ryo. He would celebrate when Natsuki and her mother were caught, and he could only…he could only hope that he mattered enough to Ryo for the other to let him stay in his life.
You’re the battle he’s fighting, Tackey’s words echoed in his mind, torturing his resolve.
“And there’s been no lead on your fiancée and your foster mother,” Ryo said finally, crossing his arms and peering at Kazuya, “Are you sure you’re not drunk?”
“I’m fine!” Kazuya insisted, “Are you…concerned?” he asked slowly, unable to keep himself from asking that.
Ryo gave him a hard stare, before answering, “No.” he stated plainly.
Kazuya smiled wryly at that; just like Ryo was showing him that hateful face, Kazuya would show him what he expected to see, “I know,” he said finally; he could only keep up this world of pretence and lies that he found himself wrapped in, “I know you don’t. I’m just checking.” He said.
Ryo merely stared at him.
Kazuya moved up from the bed and over to Ryo, and as he convinced himself not to show that he knew anything, he began to slide Ryo’s jacket off, before pulling on Ryo’s tie with a hard yank and bringing their lips together. It was a furious kiss that Ryo returned almost immediately; Kazuya felt his heart lightened by that, just a bit. It was a bit of proof, that Ryo reacted to him like that right?
But even if he knew these feelings were returned, there was nothing he could do about them. He couldn’t bring himself to jeopardize whatever Ryo was trying to do.
Before long, clothes had been wrestled off, thrown carelessly on the ground, and as their bodies moved against each other’s, Kazuya let a lone thought cross his mind as Ryo’s hands settled at his hips, and yet another breathless kiss was exchanged.
I wish things were different…
* * *
The remainder of the week passed in a slow, but almost rhythmic pattern. In the middle of the night, when he was sure no one would be around, he would take out that key and retreat into that room; it had become something like a sanctuary. Not only was this as close to being outdoors as he would get, but he liked to bask in the essence of Ryo that remained in the room. And he loved to take in the locked away emotions of Ryo’s that clung to the very air of this room.
Regret filled him, constantly, but it was never about being with Ryo; what Kazuya regretted the most was not listening to Ryo back then, for his inability to trust in Ryo like he should have. If he had just left it alone, if he hadn’t been so determined to get some sort of reassurance of the future...if he had just listened, then things might have been different. He wasn’t sure if they would be different, but...
But maybe, there would be more hope in the future than he felt he could see now. Where was the hope for their relationship when he couldn’t even ask Ryo about his true feelings? More than anything, if Tackey was right, Kazuya wanted Ryo to win against whatever it was he was fighting for, because it was important enough for Ryo to lock away everything important to himself in this room, and Kazuya liked to think that whatever it was would make Ryo happy.
He was stuck, unable to see his future, but also unable to get out of his present.
He knew, from Ryo, that Uchi Hiroki was making even more progress in his recovery, and Kazuya couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to him once Uchi Hiroki made a full recovery; after all, it was only because Uchi was in that state that Kazuya was needed for revenge right? What if happiness at Uchi’s recovery made Ryo lose his drive for revenge?
Kazuya had to constantly shake his head of these thoughts; he couldn’t think of things like that. He had to concentrate on the present, because there was absolutely nothing he could do about the future.
Well...nothing that he wanted to do anyways.
Kazuya knew that there was one other option, one way he could seize control of his own future, but it was a horrible future without Ryo in it, and he didn’t want that; that was why he had never taken up that offer all those months ago.
Kazuya sat up when he heard the door open.
Ryo was standing there, folding his jacket over his arm, as he looked at Kazuya with an almost speculative look. Kazuya couldn’t exactly blame him, he supposed; it was hard to act as though he didn’t know anything, and it was hard to keep from Ryo that nothing had changed when he knew that nearly all his perspectives had. He was sure that he had acted strangely enough to make Ryo think that something was wrong, but luckily, Ryo seemed to assume that he had been drinking, or was going weird from boredom again.
Kazuya had always been content to just be with Ryo, because he loved Ryo that much, but knowing that maybe, there was a possibility for more than just being resigned to a physical relationship, that there was something more to Ryo’s actions, and knowing what he might mean to Ryo…it made him feel regret and a strong urge to do something drastic to make that truth come out quicker.
Kazuya knew he couldn’t, though, since he didn’t know exactly what it was, and he didn’t want to ruin whatever it was Ryo seemed to be doing - and Ryo did seem to have a plan of some sort, though how much of it really revolved around Kazuya and his foster family, Kazuya didn’t know.
Which was why he was left struggling to maintain illusions that nothing had changed, and maybe…
Maybe, for just a little, search for those signs that Tackey - and his hope that he had failed to crush - was right. Well, more right than he already believed anyways.
But even that was a struggle, because Kazuya could already attest to the fact that Ryo could put up a marvellous performance - he had fallen for the façade of the normal office worker that Ryo had presented when they had first met hadn’t he? And time and time again, Kazuya had believed that there was truly nothing that Ryo had felt for him.
Ryo raised an eyebrow at Kazuya, “Not drunk today?” he questioned.
Kazuya could only offer a wry smile, “I wasn’t drunk.”
“You acted strange enough,” Ryo retorted; Kazuya chose not to comment on the fact that it couldn’t have been that obvious unless Ryo was really paying close attention to him, and just chose to bask in a form of caring that Ryo hadn’t realized he’d just given him.
“How is…Uchi Hiroki?” Kazuya asked after a moment of silence. He asked that so much now, but the man seemed to be a topic that was safe to talk to Ryo about. Ryo was normally more content if he talked about Uchi and the progress the younger man was making in his recovery.
And sometimes, Kazuya would be hopeful.
Ryo paused, and then he glanced over at Kazuya, “He’s doing much better, starting to walk without help, since you know, being in bed that long…” he trailed off, shaking his head as he seemed to realize he had a small smile on his face. He looked piercingly at Kazuya, “I suppose I should tell you that due to some of the men talking, and maybe his father too, he knows you’re here.”
Kazuya blinked, and then he felt as though ice was going through his veins. Why was he so frightened all of a sudden?
Oh right, because his fiancée had tried to murder Uchi Hiroki.
“And…what does he…” Kazuya licked his lips, holding Ryo’s gaze, which for some reason, wasn’t looking away even for a second.
“I’m not quite sure,” Ryo said slowly, “He just told me that he knew before I came here.”
Kazuya struggled to gather his thoughts, “Is it a problem if he knows?” he asked after a moment.
Ryo looked at Kazuya speculatively for a moment, “It won’t change my intent to get the rest of your family, if that’s what you mean. However you want to look at it, past that, whether it’s a problem or not, it’s up to you.”
Kazuya couldn’t help but notice that he purposely never mentioned anything that had to do with the two of them, together, like they were now.
Was he right then? Would Uchi Hiroki’s knowledge of him stop Ryo from coming to him like this? Or maybe, Ryo would attempt to hide all this from Uchi Hiroki? Kazuya was, after all, indirectly, one of the sources of Uchi Hiroki’s pain, wasn’t he?
If it was Kazuya, knowing how important Uchi must be to Ryo, he would do everything in his power to cherish the best friend that he had just gotten back. No, not just best friend. Wasn’t Uchi pretty much the only family Ryo had?
After finding out all he had about his own ‘family’, Kazuya, more than ever, appreciated the importance of a family that accepted you despite your flaws, and Uchi was that family for Ryo, wasn’t he? So was Tackey, but Ryo resented Tackey for his inability to help him at the moment…so Uchi was clearly the most important person in Ryo’s life.
Kazuya shook his head, forcing a reassured smile on his face, “Not if it doesn’t bother you,” he finally said slowly, as he reached forward, and tugged on Ryo’s tie, pulling him toward Kazuya even as his other hand worked on undoing the tie, “Though I have a feeling you won’t need to wait long for that revenge.”
Kazuya had been thinking about this for a while, and he knew it would be true. Uchi Hiroki’s recovery only sped up the timeline Kazuya had thought up in his head.
Even as Ryo’s hands moved to the bottom of Kazuya’s shirt, the older man gave a momentarily confused look that Kazuya didn’t miss.
“After all, she’ll have to silence Uchi Hiroki before he’s declared competent enough mentally for his words to be taken seriously, right?” Kazuya asked, though he knew the answer.
Ryo looked appraisingly at him for a moment, before the older man’s lips were on Kazuya’s, as his hands gripped Kazuya’s arms tightly, their bodies pressing close together, even as Kazuya struggled to stay standing, “You’re better at predicting this sort of thing than I thought,” he said, between furiously heated kisses, “Because that’s exactly why I’ve posted so many guards in Hiroki’s wing for the past week.” He stated.
Kazuya finally gave up the fight and fell back onto the bed, bringing Ryo with him, “Circumstances have led me to think like this…circumstances like you…”
Ryo didn’t say anything, but his eyes took on a dark look after a moment, “I thought you were fine with this arrangement.” He said, though it was obvious that he wasn’t all that convinced of that.
“I’m as fine with it as anyone could be,” Kazuya said with a wavering smile, even as he tugged on the chain around Ryo’s neck, bringing him closer and closer, “As long as you’re happy.” He declared, “And I’ve long accepted that while they’re out there, and while we’re like this, there’ll never be anything more between us.”
It was true. He had accepted that while he was here, while Ryo was fighting whatever he was fighting, they could never be anything more. If only circumstances had allowed them to meet in a different way…in a way that wasn’t so full of what ifs…
Ryo was looking down at him with a look in his eyes that he wasn’t even trying to hide, not that he needed to, because Kazuya couldn’t pinpoint exactly what that look was.
Kazuya merely returned the gaze and as they moved against each other, slowly wrestling clothes off, nothing more was said. Nothing was said either as what seemed like an eternity later, they had collapsed on Kazuya’s bed, the smell of sex and hungry kisses lingering in the air, on their bodies, on their lips.
Ryo stayed surprisingly long that day; the sky was showing signs of light, in shades of dark blue and gray, by the time the older man moved to put on his clothes. Kazuya refused to listen to the quick beating of his own heart, and he watched Ryo, sitting up with him, pulling the covers over his own body.
“I have a question for you,” Ryo said almost harshly as he looked over at Kazuya, “This deal…it was obvious you knew that I had physical attraction to you at least. That I won’t deny - how can I, after all?” he asked with a short, slightly sarcastic, laugh, “But…if I told you from the start that nothing would make me happier than for you to kill yourself, would you have done that instead, to keep me happy with you just like this was all an attempt to keep me close - both physically and emotionally - to you? Not that it worked.” He added hastily.
The question was harsh, and the look in Ryo’s eyes was nearly frightening.
Kazuya’s breath hitched, as he looked intently at Ryo, “I’m not a mindless puppet, Ryo…” he said quietly, “Or as easy to please as people around here may think. I’ll do what I want, and only when I want to. I’ll do it for my own reasons. Make no mistake, Ryo; I’m not someone who’ll do whatever you want, or sacrifice myself for what you want; I’m selfish too, and I have my own reasons. I get something out of this deal, and I get something out of staying like this, whether you know what it is or not.” He said firmly, not even sure if he should even be saying what he was saying. But he in no way wanted Ryo to think that he was selfless - he wasn’t. That was clear from the beginning; Kazuya was willing to trap Ryo to be with him, because he wanted it; he could have easily just left it alone, but it was his choice. Kazuya had no intention of blaming his situation on Ryo, or on his loyalty to Ryo.
Ryo held his gaze for a moment, and then he almost seemed affected by Kazuya’s words.
“Then,” he said, and Kazuya thought that he sounded a bit less cold at that moment, “You haven’t changed at all since the first time we met. So I don’t think I can think any less of you for that. And I’ll tell Hiroki that, not that it’ll change anything.” He added.
Kazuya stared at Ryo as he left, closing the room door behind him.
Did Ryo just…?
Why did it seem like that was just another way for Ryo to say ‘I’m glad you haven’t changed at all from all this’; why did it seem like Ryo was just making sure that Kazuya hadn’t been too negatively affected by all this? That Kazuya was still strong and fighting for himself, not just merely holding on desperately for Ryo?
“I think you’re the battle that Ryo’s fighting…” Tackey’s words rang through his head, and he couldn’t stop it from mixing in with Ryo’s words.
“You haven’t changed at all since the first time we met. So I don’t think I can think any less of you for that.”
Kazuya closed his eyes, clenching his eyes shut; it was such a joyful feeling, hearing that, but at the same time, his heart clenched in pain.
Sweet, sorrowful, pain.
Love hurt, but Kazuya had chosen this path long ago. He was selfish too, not just Ryo, and everything was falling into a rocky place, but falling into place nonetheless.
He wasn’t going to back down or falter now.
It was to a slowly lightening sky and sweet heartbreak that Kazuya fell into a restless sleep.
* * *
Perhaps it was just something that was meant to happen.
It was the scent that woke Kazuya up from his sleep, an overpowering scent of artificial sweetness. He knew that scent all too well, and despite the fact that he should have been shocked or surprised, he found that he couldn’t describe his emotions as that. When he opened his eyes, and saw the familiar face of one of the people he hated the most in the world, he couldn’t be surprised at all.
In fact, more than anything, he felt almost…pleased.
Not in the way that he wanted to see her, no, but in the way that he knew he had been right, and he was right that she would find her way in here eventually.
She hadn’t realized Kazuya had woken up, and there was a strange expression of anger and wistfulness on her face as she extended a hand out to his head. From how he was positioned, she couldn’t see that his eyes were open, which gave him the perfect opportunity to reach up and grab her wrist before she could actually touch him.
A startled yelp escaped her.
“Long time no see Natsuki,” Kazuya sat up, still gripping her wrist, turning his lips up into a sneer as he looked at her. She stared back at him, and Kazuya could only feel a cruel sense of justified pleasure when he saw that she looked even worse than her father had. She obviously hadn’t had a good night’s rest in a long while, as evident by the dull look of her skin and the bags under her eyes, and she was staring at him with an angry expression.
“What’re you doing?” she snapped.
“I should be asking you that,” Kazuya twisted his hand a little, and in the process garnered a look of pain from her, “I’m actually supposed to be here, unlike you.” He said.
“Kazuya…”
“Or, more like, I won’t get thrown into prison if I’m found here.” He hissed, “A real prison anyways. Just like your dear father.”
“Kazuya…” Natsuki took a step back, hesitation on her face now, “I know you’re angry about…about what I did…” she swallowed, “But…don’t you understand it was for the good of the family?” she asked, almost pleadingly.
Kazuya let a look of disgust cross his face as he took his hand away, “You’re vile.” He spat out, “You were willing to kill someone for your own greed; why should I understand that?” he hissed.
Natsuki was glaring back at him, “It’s not as though you were complaining when you were living so luxuriously, which was the result of what I did.” She snapped back, “You’d think you’d show a bit more appreciation for the people who gave you everything: a roof to live under, they raised you, and my father even gave you a job, and here you are acting like what we did, which benefited you as well, was something disgusting.”
“Oh yes, they gave me so much.” Kazuya snarled, “I should be grateful that your father has been stealing money meant for me from my parents ever since they died; I should be grateful that the only reason he gave me that job was because he practically threatened me to leave my job before; I was happy where I was. I wasn’t making that much money, but I was doing it on my own. I should be grateful that everything that’s made me happy in my life had been taken away by your family!”
Natsuki glared, “You -”
“Do you know how much I hate your father?” Kazuya asked, “I hate him so much, and while I hate him, you’re the one I find the most repulsive. The ignorance you have when it comes to your family is so stupid that it’s repulsive.” He said so bluntly that Natsuki’s eyes widened at the strength of his words.
His former fiancée opened his mouth to say something, her eyes narrowing angrily, but Kazuya interrupted her.
“I should tell you that you’ve wasted your time trying to break in here,” Kazuya said, crossing his arms, “I have no intention of leaving with you. If anything, I’ll be happy if I never have to see you or anyone from your family ever again.”
“They were your family too!” Natsuki shot back, “They raised you! How can you be so -”
“They raised you,” Kazuya snapped, “I was merely another tool for them to get money every once in a while. In other words, although I didn’t know it, I had to pay money for them to raise me. That’s not the same thing as with you, is it?” Kazuya gave her a wry smile, “Why should I feel sympathy for people who never had any for me?”
Natsuki’s hands were shaking, and she shook her head, “No. They loved you, I know they did.”
“That’s what they want you to believe, but your father had something different to say to that.”
Suddenly, Natsuki looked at him with pity, and Kazuya was taken back for a moment, especially as Natsuki moved forward, “Too bad,” she breathed, “I didn’t come all this way just to fail. I always get what I want, you know that Kazuya.” There was something sharp digging into Kazuya’s skin, painfully; he looked down, swallowing when he saw the knife in her hand.
“You’re coming with me, whether you want to or not.” Natsuki said with conviction, “Or I’ll injure you so badly that you can’t fight me. And then…” she paused, “I’ll involve Tanaka in this; I’m sure he’d love to be hurt because you were stupid enough to refuse me.”
Kazuya stared at her, and inside, his mind was panicking; finally, he slowly nodded, “I just want to get some things.” He said almost hesitantly, “Why don’t you check to make sure there’s no one coming?”
Natsuki nodded, but her eyes were wary, and he turned his back to her as he went over to the chest of drawers. Kazuya didn’t miss the fact that Natsuki seemed to have relaxed marginally, the knife held loosely now instead of being gripped tightly like before. It took all but one second to do what he needed to, and from what he could tell, Natsuki hadn’t even realized what he had done. He quickly grabbed some things and walked back over to her, a stony expression on his face.
The path was surprisingly clear, but Kazuya knew that there had to be a reason Natsuki had gotten in without anyone knowing; of course it was clear. It was early in the morning, not even dawn yet, and if there was to be a break-in, security would have been most active when it was still dark, not when it was light outside.
Kazuya followed Natsuki, hand twitching every so often; it had been the first time he had been out on his own in a long time, but…
Knowing that he was out here because of Natsuki made him sick; he didn’t want to be out here with her.
“You’ll appreciate what I’m doing one day,” Natsuki said softly to him.
Kazuya didn’t answer her, but just followed as she led the way into what seemed to be the grounds. It was the same grounds that Kazuya could see from that hidden room, from the windows that had given him solace, and he knew that if they passed these grounds, there would be even less guards, and they would be off the Uchi estate.
“I’ll never appreciate what you’re doing,” Kazuya said with distaste, “You can’t force someone to love you Natsuki.”
“What are you talking about?” Natsuki approached him, glowering at him, “You love me. You were going to marry me.” She said, even as she extended a hand out to slap Kazuya.
Kazuya took the hit, letting it knock him back a little; he had his hand over his mouth as he turned back around, and then he began to rub the spot she had hit him, “I’m saying,” he said slowly, carefully, “That there was a reason we were engaged, Natsuki…”
Kazuya took a few step forwards, and before Natsuki was even aware of what he was doing, he had locked his hands onto Natsuki’s shoulders and was pushing his lips against hers. There was only shocked silence from the woman, and her eye closed as Kazuya flicked his tongue across her lips, and she parted her lips, trapped in the surprise and bliss that was the one she wanted more than anything kissing her like this - like he had suddenly changed his mind about everything he had said. The knife clattered onto the ground, falling from Natsuki’s hand in her surprise. Kazuya quickly kicked at the knife, barely keeping track of it as it skidded away and out of sight.
Then Kazuya drew away and without warning, he knocked Natsuki to the ground, sitting on her stomach to keep her from moving as his right hand pressed hard and painfully against Natsuki’s mouth, keeping her from opening it.
“And that reason had nothing to do with loving you,” Kazuya snarled in a low voice, “I hate you.”
Natsuki began to grasp at her throat, and Kazuya let go; she made choking noises, coughing desperately, “What…what did you do?” she whispered, clutching at her throat.
Kazuya merely smiled serenely, “What I told myself I’d do if you ever came near me again.” He said softly, “Goodbye, Natsuki.” He said, getting up and walking away determinedly. He knew that there was little time left though, and he was determined to try to get back to his room.
“No!” Natsuki screamed and she flung herself at Kazuya, “What did you just do?! What was that?! Tell me, Kazuya, tell -!”
Kazuya merely staggered out the way, watching as she fell to the ground; he could feel its effect already, so he didn’t have much time. At least he hadn’t swallowed it; he hadn’t expected it to be this effective so quickly though. He managed to make it to the pathway leading to the back of the building before darkness began to appear into the corners of his vision. With how horrible he was feeling now, he was surprised he had even lasted this long - from near the edge of the estate to the building, he was surprised he had even made it back this far without falling down.
Panting a little in a desperate attempt not to let it get to him, he looked up, toward the building, and saw a shadowed figure standing there. It was a figure of heartbreak and sorrow. He simply smiled to himself, feeling victorious despite everything; even in moments like this, he was imagining Ryo, all over again. Of course it would be Ryo he would see right now, at his worst, at his weakest; he had brought this onto himself though. He staggered forward, as his imaginary Ryo began to walk toward him, and there was an expression on his face that was a cross between confusion and hurt. It was what Kazuya would have imagined on the real Ryo’s face if he had seen that kiss just now - though it had had ulterior motives, it was still a kiss. One he wanted to erase the memory of, because it soiled his loyalty to Ryo. The darkness was growing, faster and faster, as he took another step forward, hesitantly. He reached forward, and for a moment, in the state he was in, he thought he imagined brushing the skin of the imaginary Ryo’s face with his fingers, lingering there.
A sad smile on his face, he let the darkness seeping into his vision fill his world completely, as he staggered forward, falling, falling, falling…
Ryo…I’m sorry…
* * *
Next part --------->