[fic] A World of Lies and Love - Chapter 3 {6/7}
Title: A World of Lies and Love
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Words: 52 106
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Their biggest strength was that they could hurt each other like no one else could, but they could also love each other like no one else could
Previous parts:
Chapter 1 |
Chater 2 : part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 |
Chapter 3 : part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 |
--
What the fuck is going on?! Tell me what -
It felt heavy, breathing; he had never had trouble breathing before, but now he found that it was as though one single breath, what should be natural, took the same effort as running five marathons. Non-stop. It was torturous, and it was hard to keep the darkness from taking over; it just…
Was this what it meant to die? Or maybe, it was just his death…maybe it was just what he deserved for all that he had done? For trapping Ryo, for constantly being selfish…for, in the end, tainting his loyalty and feelings for Ryo so that he could get revenge on her…
I know you’ve made contact with him - do you think I’m stupid! What did you do?!
Breathe in, breathe out, don’t let the darkness overwhelm his vision; it was all a struggle to keep up this pattern. Breathe in…breathe in…just breathe out now, damn it! Breathe out!
You shouldn’t jump to conclusions like this; I didn’t -
Then who, huh? Who else would want to - you know, just because you were a fucking coward that gave up doesn’t mean you have the right to try to destroy everyone else!
That was uncalled for! R -
Stay out of this Hiroki!
Hiroki…that was familiar…so familiar. He had to pay for that too; he should have known, back then, he should have known. He shouldn’t have just ignored everything they had done, he should have cared a little more about the people they hurt. He knew they weren’t innocent at all, but he had convinced himself that as long as they left the ones he loved alone, he shouldn’t get involved. How wrong was that? How heartless had he been?
But he had learned…Hadn’t he learned and been punished with the knowledge that his inaction had inadvertently hurt the one he loved?
I knew he had it, but he’d had it for the entire time he was here! I figured he would never use it!
What the fuck goes through your head? Oh yeah, I forgot, you’re a coward! Of course you’d just sit back and let him drug himself!
You’re not entirely innocent in all this either, so shut up! I’m not a coward! I can’t believe after all you put him through, he was still fighting so that you could win this!
I didn’t ask for him to do this! I never wanted him to do this!
Do what? But he had wanted to…this…it was his way of taking away their power over him. Her power over him that had lasted for most of his life…he had wanted to finally take away the last remaining bits of it. He wanted...
Maybe you should have told him that, since even after all my efforts, he stubbornly wanted to believe that you hated him! Maybe if you had shown a bit more compassion towards him and didn’t try so hard to hate him, he would have known what this would do to you!
Compassion? You’re one to talk about that! You - fuck this. Get out. I don’t want to see your goddamn face.
Breathing was getting difficult again, and his head was spinning with all these voices and words. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. It was simple wasn’t it? So why was it so hard, like a thousand pound weight was sitting on his chest, keeping him from breathing properly?
You brought this onto yourself. You could have done something, anything…
What? What could I have done? Do what you did and run away from everything? And then live a life where I’ll do nothing but keep doing what they want because I didn’t fight for what I wanted?!
That’s -
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. He had to breathe. As hard as it was. He had to breathe. He had to keep fighting. Wasn’t that was all this about?
He needed to keep fighting, to keep going…
The voices had stopped, or at least they had stopped flooding his world, and for a moment, he missed them; they kept the darkness at bay for a little longer. They gave him something to concentrate on other than the heaviness of his mind and heart.
Then, he could feel it - something was touching his hand. He couldn’t move, he could only keep struggling to breathe, but he could feel it, and it made him long for more; that was his flaw wasn’t it? He always wanted more, sometimes he wanted too much.
He felt a whisper, so soft he thought he had imagined it in the desperation invoked by the steadily growing darkness.
Am I that believable, Kazuya?
* * *
Consciousness and awareness burst through the realms of darkness with a bludgeoning blow of pain to his torso, and all over his body. He let out a strangled breath that he could barely hear himself, but it seemed as though it was enough to be heard by whoever else was here, because he suddenly heard movement.
It felt as though an invisible weight was resting on his lungs, keeping him from breathing like he should; why was it so hard to breathe? Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Why did he have to remind himself of how to breathe? It was a natural thing, wasn’t it? What did -?
It was with another strangled gasp for air that he moved his hands, trying to grab onto something, anything. Somehow, he found something warm and soft; he gripped it as tight as he could, which wasn’t as strong as he would have hoped, because he was barely holding on.
But wait, what were…
Even amidst his desperate attempts to breathe, he could feel that what he was trying so hard to hold onto was someone’s hand; he turned his head, with difficulty, to try to see who it was; of course, that involved opening his eyes, which was more difficult than he’d thought it would be.
Just open…open…open…he argued with his body, trying to urge strength in it that he seemed to lack right now.
Finally, after a long while, he managed to pry his eyes open. Just a little. Through all this, he could feel panic settle through his heart; for some reason, he couldn’t hold onto that hand and it was taking itself away. Whoever it was moved away, he could sense the movement, and there was another person replacing whoever it was, but…
Kazuya’s eyes struggled to remain open and focus on the face in front of him. Who was it that was with him? No, who was it who had been here before, holding his hand when he was desperately trying to hold onto consciousness? Who was it that was here now?
Maybe a bit of his own panic showed on his face, because suddenly, he could hear a voice, amidst the rustle of movement.
“Ryo’s gone to get the doctor.”
Kazuya’s eyes had closed on him again, even after he had worked so hard to get them to open in the first place; he fought and fought to open them again, and throughout all this, he had a single thought.
Ryo?
Kazuya forced his eyes open with willpower that he hadn’t thought he possessed. There was someone sitting with him, but it wasn’t Ryo. In fact, Kazuya recognized him all too well, even if he had never spoken to him ever before. Uchi Hiroki sat at his bedside, looking awkwardly down at Kazuya.
“He’s gone to get the doctor. Or, more like, I sent him to go when he started to get all worked up about you starting to move. He just doesn’t think about things like letting the doctor know you’re awake.” The man that Kazuya had only ever seen in a comatose state said calmly, staring at Kazuya curiously, “Though from what Tackey tells me, when it comes to you, he does a lot of things he shouldn’t.”
Kazuya wasn’t sure how to react to this; he wasn’t even sure if he was able to react if he wanted to. What…what was going on? Memories rushed back at him suddenly, as if hearing this had triggered the flood of them. Hadn’t he taken that…
He was confused, for sure, and if it wasn’t taking all his effort right now to keep himself awake, he knew that he would have sat up in confusion and shock that he was even waking up.
“Something tells me that you had no idea what it was that you had taken earlier. Or more like, drugged…her,” Kazuya didn’t miss the way Uchi didn’t say Natsuki’s name, “with, and in the process got it into your system as well.” Uchi said, and Kazuya couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes were flickering toward the door, “Ryo blames Tackey for it, and Tackey’s not saying where you got it from, but I have a feeling I know.” He said solemnly, still keeping an eye on the door, “It’s not hard to recognize my father’s handiwork.”
Kazuya struggled to sit up, but there was a firm hand keeping him down - with ease, Kazuya noticed with chagrin. He looked at Uchi, attempting to say something, anything.
Uchi, however, looked unfazed, “You, however, are just lucky that since the first time it was used, they have developed something to counter it as well. Wouldn’t do to have all your systems shut down on you, leaving you in a coma…I suppose that was supposed to be the irony of it. That you would be reduced to a state similar to what I was in.” he looked at Kazuya intently; his eyes flickered toward the door again, “I have no intention of pretending that when I first heard about you, I was all accepting of you. Especially considering the situation with her.” Uchi stared hard at Kazuya, “But I’ve also heard everything from Tackey…and whatever I can drag out of Ryo. But we’ll talk about this some other time.” He said quickly, before moving back in his chair and turning toward the door, “Ryo!” he called out, and Kazuya surmised that he must have heard Ryo’s footsteps, because moments later, Ryo entered the room.
“The doctor’s coming -” Ryo stopped halfway across the room as he locked eyes with Kazuya’s; despite the fact that Kazuya was still struggling to keep his open, Ryo’s dark gaze was fixated on him for some time.
“Ka -” Ryo started and then stopped, “Kamenashi…” he decided on instead.
“I believe the words you’re looking for are actually Kazuya and possibly what proclamations of worry and love you think are manly enough to say.” Uchi said with a little smirk.
He got a dark look for that, as well as a wide-eyed one from Kazuya.
What was he doing? Didn’t he know that Ryo was trying to -
Kazuya suddenly found himself with a dark gaze on himself, and he could barely follow Ryo’s movements as the older man grabbed a hold of his wrist, tightly, and he pushed it down onto the soft mattress of the bed Kazuya was in, “You fucking idiot.” The older man snarled, and Kazuya could only try to bravely meet Ryo’s gaze, knowing that at this point, there was nothing he could do.
But he had been prepared for it. He had been prepared that when he took away Ryo’s chance of revenge, he would be treated with hatred. True hated, instead of doubtable hatred.
“Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to go off and do something like that?” Ryo’s words came out in what could best be described as a growl, though there was something to it that Kazuya couldn’t place, “I…”
“What a great way to greet him with relief,” Uchi commented with a raised eyebrow, and Ryo blithely ignored the other man in the room, eyes still piercing into Kazuya’s.
“You were not allowed to break our deal by poisoning yourself.” Ryo said with a hard tone of voice, “And you’re not allowed to do that, ever again.”
Kazuya stared. Why did it sound like…?
“We had a deal…you…you can’t just break our deal by doing something like that.” Ryo practically hissed out, before abruptly letting go of Kazuya’s wrist; as he did, though, his fingers brushed against Kazuya’s hand, and then, he suddenly stood up, and left the room.
Kazuya’s eyes followed his movements, confused.
“Well, that wasn’t romantic at all. What do you see in him?”
Kazuya, however, ignored Uchi for a moment, managing to lift his hand up in front of his eyes; was he imagining it, or…had Ryo just said, in his own little way, that he had been affected by what Kazuya had done?
Kazuya’s eyes were starting to close on him again, and he was surprised he had managed to force them open for this long. As he let his hand fall back to the mattress, he let his eyes close and amidst his difficult breathing, he could only entertain one thought.
Ryo’s hand was familiar, Kazuya knew it well…
So Kazuya knew that Ryo’s hand had been the one holding his earlier.
* * *
The doctor, who came in not too long after Ryo had left, told Kazuya what was wrong with him. As Kazuya continued to work to stay awake, he realized what much of what he was hearing was something he already knew or had guessed at in the first place. He was also given something to drink, which was helpful in keeping him awake. The medication they had him on, now that he was awake, needed to be taken every four hours, and, as it would make him practically drop dead from drowsiness, they had to keep him awake for another hour. It was after he wasn’t struggling to stay awake anymore that Kazuya noticed that he wasn’t in his room; if it was possible, it was almost like he was in a hospital of some sort.
“You’re in the medicinal area of the estate,” Uchi Hiroki said from next to him, and Kazuya, now looking properly at Uchi, noticed that the younger man was sitting up in his own bed next to Kazuya’s, obviously not declared well enough to be able to leave yet; as the doctor had started to talk to Kazuya, Uchi had taken up reading what appeared to be a shoujo manga.
Kazuya blinked, trying to take in all these sudden events happening. He would have never expected to be treated in such a manner by Uchi; he had expected pure dislike, but it was as though Uchi was, at the moment, gathering his impression of Kazuya and remaining somewhat neutral about all this, which confused Kazuya greatly.
“So,” Uchi spoke, as he flipped a page in his manga, “Did you actually listen when the doctor told you what was wrong with you, or were you too busy pining after my best friend with the deplorable idea of romance?”
Kazuya stared at him, still a bit unable to connect the pale, barely alive, comatose man to this one who wasn’t anything like he expected.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Uchi continued, even as he had his eyes fixed on the pages of the manga, “What you drugged her with was an experimental drug that was supposed to allow one to ‘play dead’, or so that was the intention of the developers at the time. In reality, it gave you a fate probably worse than death; it would slow down all your systems, so that you would be in a coma, but unlike regular comas, you wouldn’t be able to wake up from it on your own. Then your body systems would just slow enough that they’d eventually just shut down. It damages the system internally in a short amount of time because of the way it forces everything to change its regular patterns. That’s why you can barely stay awake.”
Kazuya looked down at his hand, listening to Uchi’s explanation.
“It was an experimental drug that was decided to be discontinued - it’s basically as close to an undetectable way to kill someone as possible; my father couldn’t risk that being used against him if he told his…contacts,” Uchi paused at that, looking bemused, “That something like that had been developed. Tackey knew what it was, and I knew what it was, because before the accident, we were often exposed to the intricacies of my father’s work. Even the underground stuff. You’re lucky we did, because otherwise, I doubt my father would have said anything.” Uchi said, looking up sharply, and Kazuya, for a moment, felt like a little kid who was getting a scolding for doing something stupid, “Though the fact that you were willing to risk your own body like that tells me a lot.”
Kazuya looked at him, cautiously, “Like what?” he finally said, not trusting his own voice at the moment.
“That you’re about as stubborn as Ryo,” Uchi said with a shrug, looking over at Kazuya and putting down his manga, “And that you’re either desperate to do something to hurt him, or you’re so hopelessly in love with him that you’d take on the revenge on her yourself instead of letting Ryo turn into something that he hates.”
Kazuya blanched at that, “What?” he croaked out; his fingernails dug into the sheets.
“So I was right,” Uchi said calmly, and Kazuya wondered how he was able to keep up such an expression while saying these things that were shattering his world, “You’re a pair of idiots, you know that right?”
Kazuya shook his head, “No, I -”
“Don’t try pretending now,” Uchi said with an amused look, “A pair of liars that are perfect for each other, in that they only excel at lying to each other.” He commented, “Maybe that’s what Tackey meant when he said you two were practically made for each other. I wonder if you realize that you two spend so long trying to fool each other that when you’re with anyone else, your masks aren’t as good as with each other. They crack easily.”
Kazuya blinked in confusion, “What? I mean -”
“Ryo’s an idiot.” Uchi said bluntly and suddenly.
Kazuya was too caught off-guard to say anything to that, only able to stare at Uchi.
“Because he could have fallen in love with anyone, but instead, Ryo chose you, the one person who can lie to and hurt Ryo as easily as he can hurt you.”
Kazuya flinched; he had, hadn’t he? He had hurt Ryo so much…
“Note that I said as easily as he can hurt you,” Uchi said, and he swung his legs over the side of his bed, facing Kazuya’s, and reached over and hit Kazuya over the head with his manga, “There are so many things wrong with your relationship, Ryo’s lack of understanding of what being romantic is for one. Your inability to believe in what you know is true for another. You’re both so caught up in what you do to each other, how you hurt each other, that you can’t even see that while you do hurt each other, the one you hurt loves you more than anything.”
Kazuya felt his heart skip a beat at that, “No…” he said softly, “It’s not like that. I did…I trapped him; I mean, I believe Tackey that Ryo may have loved me before, when he risked blowing his cover by being with me, but…I practically locked him in a cage. I…I trapped him into being with me, I was…I took away everything he could have had. My foster family took you away, then I took away his freedom by forcing him to be with me, because of that deal…and…even if he does, he shouldn’t.” he blurted out, wondering why he was telling Uchi all this.
Was it because he had felt so much guilt over what his inaction had done to Uchi? Or was it because Uchi was one of the most important people in Ryo’s life?
Uchi reached over and hit Kazuya over the head again with the manga, “Yeah, you two are just right for each other. Don’t you realize that that’s the same thing Ryo thinks?” he asked, seriously, “I wonder if you ever realized the similarities between your situations. You’re convinced you trapped him inside an emotional cage, and he’s locked you up like that. But did you ever once, in your entire time here, resent him for that?”
Kazuya blinked, and then he shook his head, almost violently, “No, no, I wouldn’t…I understood why he wanted revenge…” he said quietly, “I wouldn’t hate him for that. And it’s…it’s not like I wanted to leave, really. It was a way to be closer to him…” he said thoughtfully, “Are you trying to say that…”
“I’m not trying; I am saying.” Uchi said, raising an eyebrow, “If you take a step back and look at everything, you’ll realize what I have already figured out: that you two are hurting yourselves more than you’re hurting each other.” Uchi put his book down for a moment, settling it on his pillow, “Look, I’m going to be really straightforward with you here. When I woke up, I barely knew what was going on. I didn’t know where I was, because the last thing I remembered was being with her. But at the same time, I think I knew what was going on. Or a sense of it. I think I should have felt hatred toward you, but instead, I felt something like sympathy. I’m not saying I knew what was going on while I was out of it, but I’m pretty sure that Ryo must have talked about you to me when I was in that coma. And from what I’ve seen since then, Ryo’s feelings for you are pretty obvious. Do you know what he was like when he brought you in here? I have never seen him look that crushed, not even after what happened with his parents.” Uchi said simply, “So even though you refuse to believe what he feels for you, I know what he feels for you. You would realize that if you stopped convincing yourself that you don’t deserve to be with Ryo.”
“I took away his chance at revenge -”
“And wasn’t that just an excuse to keep you nearby?” Uchi countered, “Having them caught probably meant more to you than it did to him.”
“No, he - he was really angry about it. Furious.” Kazuya argued, “It meant a lot to him, I know it did.”
“Maybe, but probably not enough to risk you over, otherwise he would have let you go, let them find you, and then caught them that way; but he didn’t. He couldn’t risk for them to succeed in taking you away.”
“But…” Kazuya looked down, “It’s not like I did it for honourable reasons.” He argued, “I was being selfish when I did that to her…I just…I just wanted to keep her from getting what she wanted - again. I knew she’d make me go with her, and I planned it…because I knew that there was only one way to stop her.”
“Honestly, Kamenashi, if you weren’t selfish, I’d doubt you were even human. Ryo is selfish in that, in his plans to fight for his right to freely make his own decisions, he’s let you believe that he hates you, when he doesn’t. He’s selfish in that he doesn’t let you in on what he’s truly feeling. You’re selfish in that you’re willing to do anything to be with Ryo. You two are exactly the same. You’re selfish because you don’t think about how your actions affect each other because you’re both willing to do what it takes to be with each other. But in the end, isn’t that enough?”
Kazuya could only stare at the younger man, unable to keep that hope in his heart from swelling. Why was he so trusting? He had spent months convincing himself that Ryo didn’t care for him at all, but…
Was he just fooling himself?
Uchi suddenly moved forward, pushing Kazuya’s head down onto his pillow, and was pulling the sheets up over Kazuya’s head. Then, after a bit of movement in which he had his hand on Kazuya’s head to keep him from getting up, he lifted the covers to look at Kazuya’s startled and confused face, and pushed a small cup under the covers, “Drink that right now.” He said, “It’s your medication. Well, half of it,” and added, “I’ll give you the rest later.”
Kazuya’s eyes were confused, but he quickly did as Uchi asked, and all went dark again as Uchi pulled the covers over his head. Then, there was light again for a brief moment, “And do try to be convincingly unconscious from your medication.” He added.
Then, the covers were pulled back up again.
The next thing Kazuya knew, he heard movement from somewhere in the room.
“Why are you up?”
Kazuya froze when he heard Ryo’s voice, his hands clutching the pillow as he lay underneath all the blankets.
“I’m reading,” Uchi’s voice said blandly, “Here to check on your self-sacrificing love?” he asked.
“Shut up.” Ryo’s voice lacked any seriousness to that, and he sighed, and Kazuya could feel him sitting on the edge of his bed, “The doctor gave him his medication already?”
“The doctor gave me instructions on what to do. And I forced him to take it. On the condition that if he didn’t, I wouldn’t give him any pictures of that time Tackey made you walk half-naked around the estate because you’d lost a bet to him. You’d think he’d never seen your half-naked body before.”
“Hiroki!” Ryo’s voice was outraged and indignant.
If Kazuya wasn’t so confused, he would have been amused - and a bit embarrassed.
Suddenly, there was a hand brushing against his forehead, and Kazuya quickly closed his eyes, evened out his breathing and relaxed his body as he felt Ryo pulling the covers back; it was difficult, keeping himself from opening his eyes, but he managed, and Ryo must have believed it because he didn’t react.
“Just kidding. Don’t overreact.” Uchi said calmly, “But you should show that sort of caring face to him next time he’s awake. He’ll love it.”
Kazuya felt his hands clench under the covers, though he managed to keep his expression the same. What was Uchi doing? How was this doing anything? Sure, Kazuya was beginning to realize that maybe Uchi was a bit right, but…it didn’t…it didn’t change anything, did it?
“You know I can’t.” Ryo said snappishly.
“Why are you still fighting this, Ryo? You’ve won. My father won’t do anything to stop you. That was the promise, wasn’t it?”
Ryo had won? Ryo had won whatever he had been fighting for?
“I haven’t won…”
“Because winning means getting your freedom and the one you love?” Uchi asked in a sly tone, “I think you’ve won the second already; it was the first one that was difficult.”
Kazuya felt Ryo’s fingers in his hair, and it took all his effort not to move suddenly; it was so full of concern and care…like…
“You don’t understand, Hiroki.” Ryo snapped, “I think…while I was trying to win this battle, I lost the war.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Uchi asked a bit impatiently, “I’ve talked with him a little. He still loves you, so -”
“Because I made him believe that I would risk his life for me to have my revenge!” Ryo shouted furiously, and then, just like that, Ryo’s fingers left Kazuya’s hair after lingering on Kazuya’s scalp for a moment; then, Kazuya could feel Ryo moving away as stood up from the bed, “You’ll never understand how that feels, Hiroki.” He snapped, “And go to sleep; you need your rest too.” He added before he stalked out of the room, his footsteps echoing loudly in the room as he left.
Once the door closed, and he couldn’t hear the footsteps anymore, Kazuya opened his eyes, looking at Uchi.
“See?” Uchi said solemnly, “Now, take the rest your medication before the doctor skins me alive.” He said as handed Kazuya another cup, “I hid it under my pillow.” He added at Kazuya’s incredulous expression.
Kazuya drank it slowly, contemplatively, “Can…”
“So, do you believe me now?”
Kazuya bit his lip, “Can you…can you tell Ryo I want to talk with him…and that…no more pretending.” He said the last part so softly he wasn’t sure Uchi heard it, “I mean…I guess tell him that somehow I know or something.”
“I am able to take responsibility for my own actions.” Uchi said, “Or, well…” he paused, “Tackey’s told me that he’s willing to take all the blame for whatever I can do to make Ryo ‘stop being a jackass’. So, it was all Tackey’s fault.” He said with a decisive nod.
Kazuya cracked a small smile at that, “I just…” he shrugged his shoulders, “I want to talk to him, properly. No more lies, or pretending, or…anything. I want to see the real him again.”
Uchi peered at him contemplatively and nodded.
Kazuya smiled gratefully, closing his eyes as the medication began to take effect. He was already feeling sleepy again. He could only hope now - hope that whatever came out of the conversation he would have with Ryo would end up good.
But it was more hope than he had allowed himself to feel in months, because he would see what he knew would be the real Ryo.
The real Ryo…
* * *
When Kazuya woke up later, he could see that the sky had grown dark, but the lamp on the table between his and Uchi's beds revealed that Tackey was sitting there, staring at him with a bruise welling up on his cheek. Kazuya stared at Tackey; Tackey raised an eyebrow, before crossing his arms.
“Wha -” Kazuya was about to ask before he stopped himself, “I mean…”
Tackey patted the bruise, hesitantly, “Well, let’s just say that I found out that there isn’t much difference between a battering ram and Ryo.” He said blandly.
Kazuya looked confused, “Wait, Ryo hit you? Why would he…” Kazuya fell silent, “I thought he wasn’t acknowledging you…” he tried awkwardly, remembering that that was indeed the case the last time he had talked to Tackey - and he had even seen it for himself that time Ryo had led him to his new room.
“Apparently, a certain someone putting his own life in danger is enough to make him acknowledge me - in anger,” Tackey said, still patting his bruise, but now, he was shooting a pointed look at Kazuya, “Oh, and Hiroki informs me that I’ve supposedly been recording conversations in this room, and as such, you have a general idea of some of what Ryo’s been trying to hide.”
Kazuya winced, “I’m sorry.” He said quietly, “But Uchi said -”
“Hey, I tried to take responsibility for it,” Uchi’s voice came from the other bed, “But didn’t you say something like you felt like we were leaving you out of the action and wanted the blame?”
Both men jumped and turned toward the bed; they had thought, with the lack of movement and noise, that Uchi had been asleep. The other flung the covers off his head, revealing a bleary-eyed younger man who was holding yet another shoujo manga and a flashlight to read under the covers. At Kazuya’s incredulous look and Tackey’s bemused one, Uchi shrugged, “Ryo threatened to take away my mangas if I didn’t get any sleep.” He said petulantly, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s enjoying the fact that for once, it’s me in the medicine bay instead of him. And you.” He added pointedly at Tackey.
The oldest one looked unabashed as he shrugged, while Kazuya struggled but failed to hide his confusion, “Wha…”
“Oh, don’t worry about that little bruise,” Uchi said with a scoff, “The number of times they’ve beaten each other up over some silly little argument is countless. Usually it was over some sort of food. Then, while they weren’t looking, I’d just take it for myself.” He grinned, “Ryo learned soon enough though; he’d start fights with Tackey on purpose, and then I’d take whatever food they were fighting over and share it with him later.”
Tackey scowled, “Go to sleep Hiroki; or I’ll tell Ryo you were reading romance mangas instead of sleeping.”
Uchi frowned at Tackey, “I’m just saying…if you have to give Kamenashi a lecture, you shouldn’t start with things like making him feel guilty for something you’d have gotten sooner or later anyways.” He pointed out, before rolling his eyes at Tackey’s expression; then, he pulled the covers back up over his head again, and they could see the dim, but still visible, glow of the flashlight, “Ignore me. I’m going to immerse myself in a series of possibly cheesy or really sad romance stories. Continue with your…whatever Tackey had in mind when he decided to look like a creepy stalker by sitting there staring at you like that.” Uchi poked his head out for a moment and shone his flashlight into Tackey’s eye, “It’s only okay if Ryo does it, Tackey.”
Tackey made an attempt to swat Uchi over the head, but all he got was the soft thump of his hand hitting the covers that Uchi was now under again.
Kazuya couldn’t help but crack a small smile, and Tackey blinked in surprise, “I take it Hiroki isn’t anything like you expected.” He stated matter-of-factly.
Kazuya shook his head, “Not at all.” He agreed, a bit slowly because he knew that despite the pretences, Uchi could very well hear every word they were saying.
“He’s a brat,” Tackey said, a bit louder than was necessary, most likely making sure that Uchi definitely heard it, “But,” he added, “At times, he’s the only one who knows how to get things done with someone as stubborn as Ryo.” He grudgingly admitted.
Kazuya cracked a wry smile, “Yes, I’ve learned that recently.” He said, a bit quietly, remembering what Uchi had let him overhear earlier.
“So, how long were you planning to do that to yourself?” Tackey redirected the conversation calmly, but he had a solemn expression on his face, “Because to me, when we talked, you didn’t seem all that suicidal.”
Kazuya flinched, “I…wasn’t. I’m not.” He added, “Really!” at Tackey’s raised eyebrow. He licked his lips, “It was just…well, when you talked to me about it, you were under the impression that I’d do it to escape from this reality. Like a way out of the pain and heartbreak. But…it wasn’t. I was…I was just being really selfish, because even though I knew Ryo wanted revenge on her, I wanted that for myself. I felt so much anger toward her…I couldn’t let it go until I knew for sure that she wouldn’t do anything to bother me or Ryo or any of you ever again. This was just the only way I knew how to bring her down.”
Tackey raised an eyebrow, “So you sacrificed your life - or at least you thought you did - for revenge on her?”
“Kind of. Well. It was more like…I made my choice when she actually did show up. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let her get away with what she’d done, but when she actually appeared like that, I knew I couldn’t hope that Ryo would do something about her. It wasn’t fair to let Ryo do all the dirty work; so...I took matters into my own hands.”
Tackey frowned, “I thought you said you were being selfish.”
“I was!” Kazuya insisted; at Tackey’s confused look, he shrugged, “I mean…I was being selfish because I couldn’t stand not getting what I wanted this time - which was assurance that she wouldn’t bother me or anybody else I cared about again. I didn’t even care that Ryo probably hated her as much, maybe even more, than I did. I just wanted her to be gone.”
Tackey was looking thoughtful, “I think I kind of follow that logic,” he said slowly, “You mean that you did something selfless-like by sparing Ryo from bringing another person down with reasons that were selfish because you were going to do whatever it took to keep her from escaping again for your own personal reasons, not thinking of how it would affect anyone else.”
Kazuya shrugged, “Something like that. I don’t really explain it well, or really understand my own reasoning myself when I try to explain it, only that…I know it wasn’t a selfless act, and I know that I was desperate to do something when I did that.”
Tackey rolled his eyes, rubbing his bruised cheek, “You two are quite a pair,” he muttered, “Well, I don’t care about taking the blame for what Hiroki did, but…” he paused, “In a way, I think I like you more knowing that you didn’t let Ryo deal with her like he dealt with your foster father. I may not appreciate the way he blamed me for it, or that you took such drastic measures to bring her down, but…I think I’m beginning to understand this relationship of yours a bit more.”
Kazuya frowned in confusion.
“So eager to take on the responsibility when you know perfectly well that the other is willing to help you share that burden.” Tackey said darkly, “Ryo had his reasons for all that he did, and you have your reasons for letting him, and in the end, they reached the same goal. That, I can see. But, now that you’ve both stopped trying to pretend to each other - and yourselves - I’m just not sure where it goes from here. Predictable when you’re lying, but unpredictable when it comes to the truth.”
Kazuya shrugged, but he was struggling to keep his brave face on, “I guess I’ll find out then,” he said, “When I finally get to talk to the real Ryo. No more lies and pretending.”
Tackey reached over and poked the lump that was Uchi reading his romance mangas under the covers, “And I’ll make sure to take this brat out of the room when that happens.” He added.
“Oi!” Uchi complained, both at the comment and at the interruption of his reading, “That’s not fair Tackey!”
“People who I’m taking the blame for have no right to complain about what’s fair or not.” Tackey retorted.
“Well, maybe I don’t want to let you take the blame anymore.” Uchi returned.
“Oh, right, because it was an honour to take the blame for you. Thank you for letting me do it.” Tackey drawled, “Either way, you’ll be out of this room when Ryo comes to talk to Kamenashi. Which is tomorrow. As Ryo so angrily told me, unable to resist your and Kamenashi’s request, when he decided to come up to me in the kitchen and give me a threatening glare, throw an orange at me and then took said orange to his office to eat.” Tackey muttered, “Jackass,” under his breath.
Uchi whacked Tackey on the head with his manga. Though, Kazuya wasn’t sure whether it was because Tackey had called Ryo a jackass or because Tackey had just told him that he wasn’t allowed to stay in the room and eavesdrop.
* * *
Next part ----------------->
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Words: 52 106
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Their biggest strength was that they could hurt each other like no one else could, but they could also love each other like no one else could
Previous parts:
Chapter 1 |
Chater 2 : part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 |
Chapter 3 : part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 |
--
What the fuck is going on?! Tell me what -
It felt heavy, breathing; he had never had trouble breathing before, but now he found that it was as though one single breath, what should be natural, took the same effort as running five marathons. Non-stop. It was torturous, and it was hard to keep the darkness from taking over; it just…
Was this what it meant to die? Or maybe, it was just his death…maybe it was just what he deserved for all that he had done? For trapping Ryo, for constantly being selfish…for, in the end, tainting his loyalty and feelings for Ryo so that he could get revenge on her…
I know you’ve made contact with him - do you think I’m stupid! What did you do?!
Breathe in, breathe out, don’t let the darkness overwhelm his vision; it was all a struggle to keep up this pattern. Breathe in…breathe in…just breathe out now, damn it! Breathe out!
You shouldn’t jump to conclusions like this; I didn’t -
Then who, huh? Who else would want to - you know, just because you were a fucking coward that gave up doesn’t mean you have the right to try to destroy everyone else!
That was uncalled for! R -
Stay out of this Hiroki!
Hiroki…that was familiar…so familiar. He had to pay for that too; he should have known, back then, he should have known. He shouldn’t have just ignored everything they had done, he should have cared a little more about the people they hurt. He knew they weren’t innocent at all, but he had convinced himself that as long as they left the ones he loved alone, he shouldn’t get involved. How wrong was that? How heartless had he been?
But he had learned…Hadn’t he learned and been punished with the knowledge that his inaction had inadvertently hurt the one he loved?
I knew he had it, but he’d had it for the entire time he was here! I figured he would never use it!
What the fuck goes through your head? Oh yeah, I forgot, you’re a coward! Of course you’d just sit back and let him drug himself!
You’re not entirely innocent in all this either, so shut up! I’m not a coward! I can’t believe after all you put him through, he was still fighting so that you could win this!
I didn’t ask for him to do this! I never wanted him to do this!
Do what? But he had wanted to…this…it was his way of taking away their power over him. Her power over him that had lasted for most of his life…he had wanted to finally take away the last remaining bits of it. He wanted...
Maybe you should have told him that, since even after all my efforts, he stubbornly wanted to believe that you hated him! Maybe if you had shown a bit more compassion towards him and didn’t try so hard to hate him, he would have known what this would do to you!
Compassion? You’re one to talk about that! You - fuck this. Get out. I don’t want to see your goddamn face.
Breathing was getting difficult again, and his head was spinning with all these voices and words. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. It was simple wasn’t it? So why was it so hard, like a thousand pound weight was sitting on his chest, keeping him from breathing properly?
You brought this onto yourself. You could have done something, anything…
What? What could I have done? Do what you did and run away from everything? And then live a life where I’ll do nothing but keep doing what they want because I didn’t fight for what I wanted?!
That’s -
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. He had to breathe. As hard as it was. He had to breathe. He had to keep fighting. Wasn’t that was all this about?
He needed to keep fighting, to keep going…
The voices had stopped, or at least they had stopped flooding his world, and for a moment, he missed them; they kept the darkness at bay for a little longer. They gave him something to concentrate on other than the heaviness of his mind and heart.
Then, he could feel it - something was touching his hand. He couldn’t move, he could only keep struggling to breathe, but he could feel it, and it made him long for more; that was his flaw wasn’t it? He always wanted more, sometimes he wanted too much.
He felt a whisper, so soft he thought he had imagined it in the desperation invoked by the steadily growing darkness.
Am I that believable, Kazuya?
* * *
Consciousness and awareness burst through the realms of darkness with a bludgeoning blow of pain to his torso, and all over his body. He let out a strangled breath that he could barely hear himself, but it seemed as though it was enough to be heard by whoever else was here, because he suddenly heard movement.
It felt as though an invisible weight was resting on his lungs, keeping him from breathing like he should; why was it so hard to breathe? Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Why did he have to remind himself of how to breathe? It was a natural thing, wasn’t it? What did -?
It was with another strangled gasp for air that he moved his hands, trying to grab onto something, anything. Somehow, he found something warm and soft; he gripped it as tight as he could, which wasn’t as strong as he would have hoped, because he was barely holding on.
But wait, what were…
Even amidst his desperate attempts to breathe, he could feel that what he was trying so hard to hold onto was someone’s hand; he turned his head, with difficulty, to try to see who it was; of course, that involved opening his eyes, which was more difficult than he’d thought it would be.
Just open…open…open…he argued with his body, trying to urge strength in it that he seemed to lack right now.
Finally, after a long while, he managed to pry his eyes open. Just a little. Through all this, he could feel panic settle through his heart; for some reason, he couldn’t hold onto that hand and it was taking itself away. Whoever it was moved away, he could sense the movement, and there was another person replacing whoever it was, but…
Kazuya’s eyes struggled to remain open and focus on the face in front of him. Who was it that was with him? No, who was it who had been here before, holding his hand when he was desperately trying to hold onto consciousness? Who was it that was here now?
Maybe a bit of his own panic showed on his face, because suddenly, he could hear a voice, amidst the rustle of movement.
“Ryo’s gone to get the doctor.”
Kazuya’s eyes had closed on him again, even after he had worked so hard to get them to open in the first place; he fought and fought to open them again, and throughout all this, he had a single thought.
Ryo?
Kazuya forced his eyes open with willpower that he hadn’t thought he possessed. There was someone sitting with him, but it wasn’t Ryo. In fact, Kazuya recognized him all too well, even if he had never spoken to him ever before. Uchi Hiroki sat at his bedside, looking awkwardly down at Kazuya.
“He’s gone to get the doctor. Or, more like, I sent him to go when he started to get all worked up about you starting to move. He just doesn’t think about things like letting the doctor know you’re awake.” The man that Kazuya had only ever seen in a comatose state said calmly, staring at Kazuya curiously, “Though from what Tackey tells me, when it comes to you, he does a lot of things he shouldn’t.”
Kazuya wasn’t sure how to react to this; he wasn’t even sure if he was able to react if he wanted to. What…what was going on? Memories rushed back at him suddenly, as if hearing this had triggered the flood of them. Hadn’t he taken that…
He was confused, for sure, and if it wasn’t taking all his effort right now to keep himself awake, he knew that he would have sat up in confusion and shock that he was even waking up.
“Something tells me that you had no idea what it was that you had taken earlier. Or more like, drugged…her,” Kazuya didn’t miss the way Uchi didn’t say Natsuki’s name, “with, and in the process got it into your system as well.” Uchi said, and Kazuya couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes were flickering toward the door, “Ryo blames Tackey for it, and Tackey’s not saying where you got it from, but I have a feeling I know.” He said solemnly, still keeping an eye on the door, “It’s not hard to recognize my father’s handiwork.”
Kazuya struggled to sit up, but there was a firm hand keeping him down - with ease, Kazuya noticed with chagrin. He looked at Uchi, attempting to say something, anything.
Uchi, however, looked unfazed, “You, however, are just lucky that since the first time it was used, they have developed something to counter it as well. Wouldn’t do to have all your systems shut down on you, leaving you in a coma…I suppose that was supposed to be the irony of it. That you would be reduced to a state similar to what I was in.” he looked at Kazuya intently; his eyes flickered toward the door again, “I have no intention of pretending that when I first heard about you, I was all accepting of you. Especially considering the situation with her.” Uchi stared hard at Kazuya, “But I’ve also heard everything from Tackey…and whatever I can drag out of Ryo. But we’ll talk about this some other time.” He said quickly, before moving back in his chair and turning toward the door, “Ryo!” he called out, and Kazuya surmised that he must have heard Ryo’s footsteps, because moments later, Ryo entered the room.
“The doctor’s coming -” Ryo stopped halfway across the room as he locked eyes with Kazuya’s; despite the fact that Kazuya was still struggling to keep his open, Ryo’s dark gaze was fixated on him for some time.
“Ka -” Ryo started and then stopped, “Kamenashi…” he decided on instead.
“I believe the words you’re looking for are actually Kazuya and possibly what proclamations of worry and love you think are manly enough to say.” Uchi said with a little smirk.
He got a dark look for that, as well as a wide-eyed one from Kazuya.
What was he doing? Didn’t he know that Ryo was trying to -
Kazuya suddenly found himself with a dark gaze on himself, and he could barely follow Ryo’s movements as the older man grabbed a hold of his wrist, tightly, and he pushed it down onto the soft mattress of the bed Kazuya was in, “You fucking idiot.” The older man snarled, and Kazuya could only try to bravely meet Ryo’s gaze, knowing that at this point, there was nothing he could do.
But he had been prepared for it. He had been prepared that when he took away Ryo’s chance of revenge, he would be treated with hatred. True hated, instead of doubtable hatred.
“Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to go off and do something like that?” Ryo’s words came out in what could best be described as a growl, though there was something to it that Kazuya couldn’t place, “I…”
“What a great way to greet him with relief,” Uchi commented with a raised eyebrow, and Ryo blithely ignored the other man in the room, eyes still piercing into Kazuya’s.
“You were not allowed to break our deal by poisoning yourself.” Ryo said with a hard tone of voice, “And you’re not allowed to do that, ever again.”
Kazuya stared. Why did it sound like…?
“We had a deal…you…you can’t just break our deal by doing something like that.” Ryo practically hissed out, before abruptly letting go of Kazuya’s wrist; as he did, though, his fingers brushed against Kazuya’s hand, and then, he suddenly stood up, and left the room.
Kazuya’s eyes followed his movements, confused.
“Well, that wasn’t romantic at all. What do you see in him?”
Kazuya, however, ignored Uchi for a moment, managing to lift his hand up in front of his eyes; was he imagining it, or…had Ryo just said, in his own little way, that he had been affected by what Kazuya had done?
Kazuya’s eyes were starting to close on him again, and he was surprised he had managed to force them open for this long. As he let his hand fall back to the mattress, he let his eyes close and amidst his difficult breathing, he could only entertain one thought.
Ryo’s hand was familiar, Kazuya knew it well…
So Kazuya knew that Ryo’s hand had been the one holding his earlier.
* * *
The doctor, who came in not too long after Ryo had left, told Kazuya what was wrong with him. As Kazuya continued to work to stay awake, he realized what much of what he was hearing was something he already knew or had guessed at in the first place. He was also given something to drink, which was helpful in keeping him awake. The medication they had him on, now that he was awake, needed to be taken every four hours, and, as it would make him practically drop dead from drowsiness, they had to keep him awake for another hour. It was after he wasn’t struggling to stay awake anymore that Kazuya noticed that he wasn’t in his room; if it was possible, it was almost like he was in a hospital of some sort.
“You’re in the medicinal area of the estate,” Uchi Hiroki said from next to him, and Kazuya, now looking properly at Uchi, noticed that the younger man was sitting up in his own bed next to Kazuya’s, obviously not declared well enough to be able to leave yet; as the doctor had started to talk to Kazuya, Uchi had taken up reading what appeared to be a shoujo manga.
Kazuya blinked, trying to take in all these sudden events happening. He would have never expected to be treated in such a manner by Uchi; he had expected pure dislike, but it was as though Uchi was, at the moment, gathering his impression of Kazuya and remaining somewhat neutral about all this, which confused Kazuya greatly.
“So,” Uchi spoke, as he flipped a page in his manga, “Did you actually listen when the doctor told you what was wrong with you, or were you too busy pining after my best friend with the deplorable idea of romance?”
Kazuya stared at him, still a bit unable to connect the pale, barely alive, comatose man to this one who wasn’t anything like he expected.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Uchi continued, even as he had his eyes fixed on the pages of the manga, “What you drugged her with was an experimental drug that was supposed to allow one to ‘play dead’, or so that was the intention of the developers at the time. In reality, it gave you a fate probably worse than death; it would slow down all your systems, so that you would be in a coma, but unlike regular comas, you wouldn’t be able to wake up from it on your own. Then your body systems would just slow enough that they’d eventually just shut down. It damages the system internally in a short amount of time because of the way it forces everything to change its regular patterns. That’s why you can barely stay awake.”
Kazuya looked down at his hand, listening to Uchi’s explanation.
“It was an experimental drug that was decided to be discontinued - it’s basically as close to an undetectable way to kill someone as possible; my father couldn’t risk that being used against him if he told his…contacts,” Uchi paused at that, looking bemused, “That something like that had been developed. Tackey knew what it was, and I knew what it was, because before the accident, we were often exposed to the intricacies of my father’s work. Even the underground stuff. You’re lucky we did, because otherwise, I doubt my father would have said anything.” Uchi said, looking up sharply, and Kazuya, for a moment, felt like a little kid who was getting a scolding for doing something stupid, “Though the fact that you were willing to risk your own body like that tells me a lot.”
Kazuya looked at him, cautiously, “Like what?” he finally said, not trusting his own voice at the moment.
“That you’re about as stubborn as Ryo,” Uchi said with a shrug, looking over at Kazuya and putting down his manga, “And that you’re either desperate to do something to hurt him, or you’re so hopelessly in love with him that you’d take on the revenge on her yourself instead of letting Ryo turn into something that he hates.”
Kazuya blanched at that, “What?” he croaked out; his fingernails dug into the sheets.
“So I was right,” Uchi said calmly, and Kazuya wondered how he was able to keep up such an expression while saying these things that were shattering his world, “You’re a pair of idiots, you know that right?”
Kazuya shook his head, “No, I -”
“Don’t try pretending now,” Uchi said with an amused look, “A pair of liars that are perfect for each other, in that they only excel at lying to each other.” He commented, “Maybe that’s what Tackey meant when he said you two were practically made for each other. I wonder if you realize that you two spend so long trying to fool each other that when you’re with anyone else, your masks aren’t as good as with each other. They crack easily.”
Kazuya blinked in confusion, “What? I mean -”
“Ryo’s an idiot.” Uchi said bluntly and suddenly.
Kazuya was too caught off-guard to say anything to that, only able to stare at Uchi.
“Because he could have fallen in love with anyone, but instead, Ryo chose you, the one person who can lie to and hurt Ryo as easily as he can hurt you.”
Kazuya flinched; he had, hadn’t he? He had hurt Ryo so much…
“Note that I said as easily as he can hurt you,” Uchi said, and he swung his legs over the side of his bed, facing Kazuya’s, and reached over and hit Kazuya over the head with his manga, “There are so many things wrong with your relationship, Ryo’s lack of understanding of what being romantic is for one. Your inability to believe in what you know is true for another. You’re both so caught up in what you do to each other, how you hurt each other, that you can’t even see that while you do hurt each other, the one you hurt loves you more than anything.”
Kazuya felt his heart skip a beat at that, “No…” he said softly, “It’s not like that. I did…I trapped him; I mean, I believe Tackey that Ryo may have loved me before, when he risked blowing his cover by being with me, but…I practically locked him in a cage. I…I trapped him into being with me, I was…I took away everything he could have had. My foster family took you away, then I took away his freedom by forcing him to be with me, because of that deal…and…even if he does, he shouldn’t.” he blurted out, wondering why he was telling Uchi all this.
Was it because he had felt so much guilt over what his inaction had done to Uchi? Or was it because Uchi was one of the most important people in Ryo’s life?
Uchi reached over and hit Kazuya over the head again with the manga, “Yeah, you two are just right for each other. Don’t you realize that that’s the same thing Ryo thinks?” he asked, seriously, “I wonder if you ever realized the similarities between your situations. You’re convinced you trapped him inside an emotional cage, and he’s locked you up like that. But did you ever once, in your entire time here, resent him for that?”
Kazuya blinked, and then he shook his head, almost violently, “No, no, I wouldn’t…I understood why he wanted revenge…” he said quietly, “I wouldn’t hate him for that. And it’s…it’s not like I wanted to leave, really. It was a way to be closer to him…” he said thoughtfully, “Are you trying to say that…”
“I’m not trying; I am saying.” Uchi said, raising an eyebrow, “If you take a step back and look at everything, you’ll realize what I have already figured out: that you two are hurting yourselves more than you’re hurting each other.” Uchi put his book down for a moment, settling it on his pillow, “Look, I’m going to be really straightforward with you here. When I woke up, I barely knew what was going on. I didn’t know where I was, because the last thing I remembered was being with her. But at the same time, I think I knew what was going on. Or a sense of it. I think I should have felt hatred toward you, but instead, I felt something like sympathy. I’m not saying I knew what was going on while I was out of it, but I’m pretty sure that Ryo must have talked about you to me when I was in that coma. And from what I’ve seen since then, Ryo’s feelings for you are pretty obvious. Do you know what he was like when he brought you in here? I have never seen him look that crushed, not even after what happened with his parents.” Uchi said simply, “So even though you refuse to believe what he feels for you, I know what he feels for you. You would realize that if you stopped convincing yourself that you don’t deserve to be with Ryo.”
“I took away his chance at revenge -”
“And wasn’t that just an excuse to keep you nearby?” Uchi countered, “Having them caught probably meant more to you than it did to him.”
“No, he - he was really angry about it. Furious.” Kazuya argued, “It meant a lot to him, I know it did.”
“Maybe, but probably not enough to risk you over, otherwise he would have let you go, let them find you, and then caught them that way; but he didn’t. He couldn’t risk for them to succeed in taking you away.”
“But…” Kazuya looked down, “It’s not like I did it for honourable reasons.” He argued, “I was being selfish when I did that to her…I just…I just wanted to keep her from getting what she wanted - again. I knew she’d make me go with her, and I planned it…because I knew that there was only one way to stop her.”
“Honestly, Kamenashi, if you weren’t selfish, I’d doubt you were even human. Ryo is selfish in that, in his plans to fight for his right to freely make his own decisions, he’s let you believe that he hates you, when he doesn’t. He’s selfish in that he doesn’t let you in on what he’s truly feeling. You’re selfish in that you’re willing to do anything to be with Ryo. You two are exactly the same. You’re selfish because you don’t think about how your actions affect each other because you’re both willing to do what it takes to be with each other. But in the end, isn’t that enough?”
Kazuya could only stare at the younger man, unable to keep that hope in his heart from swelling. Why was he so trusting? He had spent months convincing himself that Ryo didn’t care for him at all, but…
Was he just fooling himself?
Uchi suddenly moved forward, pushing Kazuya’s head down onto his pillow, and was pulling the sheets up over Kazuya’s head. Then, after a bit of movement in which he had his hand on Kazuya’s head to keep him from getting up, he lifted the covers to look at Kazuya’s startled and confused face, and pushed a small cup under the covers, “Drink that right now.” He said, “It’s your medication. Well, half of it,” and added, “I’ll give you the rest later.”
Kazuya’s eyes were confused, but he quickly did as Uchi asked, and all went dark again as Uchi pulled the covers over his head. Then, there was light again for a brief moment, “And do try to be convincingly unconscious from your medication.” He added.
Then, the covers were pulled back up again.
The next thing Kazuya knew, he heard movement from somewhere in the room.
“Why are you up?”
Kazuya froze when he heard Ryo’s voice, his hands clutching the pillow as he lay underneath all the blankets.
“I’m reading,” Uchi’s voice said blandly, “Here to check on your self-sacrificing love?” he asked.
“Shut up.” Ryo’s voice lacked any seriousness to that, and he sighed, and Kazuya could feel him sitting on the edge of his bed, “The doctor gave him his medication already?”
“The doctor gave me instructions on what to do. And I forced him to take it. On the condition that if he didn’t, I wouldn’t give him any pictures of that time Tackey made you walk half-naked around the estate because you’d lost a bet to him. You’d think he’d never seen your half-naked body before.”
“Hiroki!” Ryo’s voice was outraged and indignant.
If Kazuya wasn’t so confused, he would have been amused - and a bit embarrassed.
Suddenly, there was a hand brushing against his forehead, and Kazuya quickly closed his eyes, evened out his breathing and relaxed his body as he felt Ryo pulling the covers back; it was difficult, keeping himself from opening his eyes, but he managed, and Ryo must have believed it because he didn’t react.
“Just kidding. Don’t overreact.” Uchi said calmly, “But you should show that sort of caring face to him next time he’s awake. He’ll love it.”
Kazuya felt his hands clench under the covers, though he managed to keep his expression the same. What was Uchi doing? How was this doing anything? Sure, Kazuya was beginning to realize that maybe Uchi was a bit right, but…it didn’t…it didn’t change anything, did it?
“You know I can’t.” Ryo said snappishly.
“Why are you still fighting this, Ryo? You’ve won. My father won’t do anything to stop you. That was the promise, wasn’t it?”
Ryo had won? Ryo had won whatever he had been fighting for?
“I haven’t won…”
“Because winning means getting your freedom and the one you love?” Uchi asked in a sly tone, “I think you’ve won the second already; it was the first one that was difficult.”
Kazuya felt Ryo’s fingers in his hair, and it took all his effort not to move suddenly; it was so full of concern and care…like…
“You don’t understand, Hiroki.” Ryo snapped, “I think…while I was trying to win this battle, I lost the war.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Uchi asked a bit impatiently, “I’ve talked with him a little. He still loves you, so -”
“Because I made him believe that I would risk his life for me to have my revenge!” Ryo shouted furiously, and then, just like that, Ryo’s fingers left Kazuya’s hair after lingering on Kazuya’s scalp for a moment; then, Kazuya could feel Ryo moving away as stood up from the bed, “You’ll never understand how that feels, Hiroki.” He snapped, “And go to sleep; you need your rest too.” He added before he stalked out of the room, his footsteps echoing loudly in the room as he left.
Once the door closed, and he couldn’t hear the footsteps anymore, Kazuya opened his eyes, looking at Uchi.
“See?” Uchi said solemnly, “Now, take the rest your medication before the doctor skins me alive.” He said as handed Kazuya another cup, “I hid it under my pillow.” He added at Kazuya’s incredulous expression.
Kazuya drank it slowly, contemplatively, “Can…”
“So, do you believe me now?”
Kazuya bit his lip, “Can you…can you tell Ryo I want to talk with him…and that…no more pretending.” He said the last part so softly he wasn’t sure Uchi heard it, “I mean…I guess tell him that somehow I know or something.”
“I am able to take responsibility for my own actions.” Uchi said, “Or, well…” he paused, “Tackey’s told me that he’s willing to take all the blame for whatever I can do to make Ryo ‘stop being a jackass’. So, it was all Tackey’s fault.” He said with a decisive nod.
Kazuya cracked a small smile at that, “I just…” he shrugged his shoulders, “I want to talk to him, properly. No more lies, or pretending, or…anything. I want to see the real him again.”
Uchi peered at him contemplatively and nodded.
Kazuya smiled gratefully, closing his eyes as the medication began to take effect. He was already feeling sleepy again. He could only hope now - hope that whatever came out of the conversation he would have with Ryo would end up good.
But it was more hope than he had allowed himself to feel in months, because he would see what he knew would be the real Ryo.
The real Ryo…
* * *
When Kazuya woke up later, he could see that the sky had grown dark, but the lamp on the table between his and Uchi's beds revealed that Tackey was sitting there, staring at him with a bruise welling up on his cheek. Kazuya stared at Tackey; Tackey raised an eyebrow, before crossing his arms.
“Wha -” Kazuya was about to ask before he stopped himself, “I mean…”
Tackey patted the bruise, hesitantly, “Well, let’s just say that I found out that there isn’t much difference between a battering ram and Ryo.” He said blandly.
Kazuya looked confused, “Wait, Ryo hit you? Why would he…” Kazuya fell silent, “I thought he wasn’t acknowledging you…” he tried awkwardly, remembering that that was indeed the case the last time he had talked to Tackey - and he had even seen it for himself that time Ryo had led him to his new room.
“Apparently, a certain someone putting his own life in danger is enough to make him acknowledge me - in anger,” Tackey said, still patting his bruise, but now, he was shooting a pointed look at Kazuya, “Oh, and Hiroki informs me that I’ve supposedly been recording conversations in this room, and as such, you have a general idea of some of what Ryo’s been trying to hide.”
Kazuya winced, “I’m sorry.” He said quietly, “But Uchi said -”
“Hey, I tried to take responsibility for it,” Uchi’s voice came from the other bed, “But didn’t you say something like you felt like we were leaving you out of the action and wanted the blame?”
Both men jumped and turned toward the bed; they had thought, with the lack of movement and noise, that Uchi had been asleep. The other flung the covers off his head, revealing a bleary-eyed younger man who was holding yet another shoujo manga and a flashlight to read under the covers. At Kazuya’s incredulous look and Tackey’s bemused one, Uchi shrugged, “Ryo threatened to take away my mangas if I didn’t get any sleep.” He said petulantly, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s enjoying the fact that for once, it’s me in the medicine bay instead of him. And you.” He added pointedly at Tackey.
The oldest one looked unabashed as he shrugged, while Kazuya struggled but failed to hide his confusion, “Wha…”
“Oh, don’t worry about that little bruise,” Uchi said with a scoff, “The number of times they’ve beaten each other up over some silly little argument is countless. Usually it was over some sort of food. Then, while they weren’t looking, I’d just take it for myself.” He grinned, “Ryo learned soon enough though; he’d start fights with Tackey on purpose, and then I’d take whatever food they were fighting over and share it with him later.”
Tackey scowled, “Go to sleep Hiroki; or I’ll tell Ryo you were reading romance mangas instead of sleeping.”
Uchi frowned at Tackey, “I’m just saying…if you have to give Kamenashi a lecture, you shouldn’t start with things like making him feel guilty for something you’d have gotten sooner or later anyways.” He pointed out, before rolling his eyes at Tackey’s expression; then, he pulled the covers back up over his head again, and they could see the dim, but still visible, glow of the flashlight, “Ignore me. I’m going to immerse myself in a series of possibly cheesy or really sad romance stories. Continue with your…whatever Tackey had in mind when he decided to look like a creepy stalker by sitting there staring at you like that.” Uchi poked his head out for a moment and shone his flashlight into Tackey’s eye, “It’s only okay if Ryo does it, Tackey.”
Tackey made an attempt to swat Uchi over the head, but all he got was the soft thump of his hand hitting the covers that Uchi was now under again.
Kazuya couldn’t help but crack a small smile, and Tackey blinked in surprise, “I take it Hiroki isn’t anything like you expected.” He stated matter-of-factly.
Kazuya shook his head, “Not at all.” He agreed, a bit slowly because he knew that despite the pretences, Uchi could very well hear every word they were saying.
“He’s a brat,” Tackey said, a bit louder than was necessary, most likely making sure that Uchi definitely heard it, “But,” he added, “At times, he’s the only one who knows how to get things done with someone as stubborn as Ryo.” He grudgingly admitted.
Kazuya cracked a wry smile, “Yes, I’ve learned that recently.” He said, a bit quietly, remembering what Uchi had let him overhear earlier.
“So, how long were you planning to do that to yourself?” Tackey redirected the conversation calmly, but he had a solemn expression on his face, “Because to me, when we talked, you didn’t seem all that suicidal.”
Kazuya flinched, “I…wasn’t. I’m not.” He added, “Really!” at Tackey’s raised eyebrow. He licked his lips, “It was just…well, when you talked to me about it, you were under the impression that I’d do it to escape from this reality. Like a way out of the pain and heartbreak. But…it wasn’t. I was…I was just being really selfish, because even though I knew Ryo wanted revenge on her, I wanted that for myself. I felt so much anger toward her…I couldn’t let it go until I knew for sure that she wouldn’t do anything to bother me or Ryo or any of you ever again. This was just the only way I knew how to bring her down.”
Tackey raised an eyebrow, “So you sacrificed your life - or at least you thought you did - for revenge on her?”
“Kind of. Well. It was more like…I made my choice when she actually did show up. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let her get away with what she’d done, but when she actually appeared like that, I knew I couldn’t hope that Ryo would do something about her. It wasn’t fair to let Ryo do all the dirty work; so...I took matters into my own hands.”
Tackey frowned, “I thought you said you were being selfish.”
“I was!” Kazuya insisted; at Tackey’s confused look, he shrugged, “I mean…I was being selfish because I couldn’t stand not getting what I wanted this time - which was assurance that she wouldn’t bother me or anybody else I cared about again. I didn’t even care that Ryo probably hated her as much, maybe even more, than I did. I just wanted her to be gone.”
Tackey was looking thoughtful, “I think I kind of follow that logic,” he said slowly, “You mean that you did something selfless-like by sparing Ryo from bringing another person down with reasons that were selfish because you were going to do whatever it took to keep her from escaping again for your own personal reasons, not thinking of how it would affect anyone else.”
Kazuya shrugged, “Something like that. I don’t really explain it well, or really understand my own reasoning myself when I try to explain it, only that…I know it wasn’t a selfless act, and I know that I was desperate to do something when I did that.”
Tackey rolled his eyes, rubbing his bruised cheek, “You two are quite a pair,” he muttered, “Well, I don’t care about taking the blame for what Hiroki did, but…” he paused, “In a way, I think I like you more knowing that you didn’t let Ryo deal with her like he dealt with your foster father. I may not appreciate the way he blamed me for it, or that you took such drastic measures to bring her down, but…I think I’m beginning to understand this relationship of yours a bit more.”
Kazuya frowned in confusion.
“So eager to take on the responsibility when you know perfectly well that the other is willing to help you share that burden.” Tackey said darkly, “Ryo had his reasons for all that he did, and you have your reasons for letting him, and in the end, they reached the same goal. That, I can see. But, now that you’ve both stopped trying to pretend to each other - and yourselves - I’m just not sure where it goes from here. Predictable when you’re lying, but unpredictable when it comes to the truth.”
Kazuya shrugged, but he was struggling to keep his brave face on, “I guess I’ll find out then,” he said, “When I finally get to talk to the real Ryo. No more lies and pretending.”
Tackey reached over and poked the lump that was Uchi reading his romance mangas under the covers, “And I’ll make sure to take this brat out of the room when that happens.” He added.
“Oi!” Uchi complained, both at the comment and at the interruption of his reading, “That’s not fair Tackey!”
“People who I’m taking the blame for have no right to complain about what’s fair or not.” Tackey retorted.
“Well, maybe I don’t want to let you take the blame anymore.” Uchi returned.
“Oh, right, because it was an honour to take the blame for you. Thank you for letting me do it.” Tackey drawled, “Either way, you’ll be out of this room when Ryo comes to talk to Kamenashi. Which is tomorrow. As Ryo so angrily told me, unable to resist your and Kamenashi’s request, when he decided to come up to me in the kitchen and give me a threatening glare, throw an orange at me and then took said orange to his office to eat.” Tackey muttered, “Jackass,” under his breath.
Uchi whacked Tackey on the head with his manga. Though, Kazuya wasn’t sure whether it was because Tackey had called Ryo a jackass or because Tackey had just told him that he wasn’t allowed to stay in the room and eavesdrop.
* * *
Next part ----------------->