Love
What is love? Can someone answer me this question? It is something that has been consuming my thoughts for weeks now and i can't shake it. How, beyond the scientific reality of hormones blah blah, does it steep into our bodies and minds- perhaps a better way to phrase this is why? How can a love hide inside someone for so many years and then rear its head and completely alter the life plans one has for oneself?
Am i weak for allowing it to so dominate me?
I'm sorry for writing what seems like the same questions i've been writing but i'm finding it hard to get a handle on things. I'm losing my best friend in this ordeal. AND it most definitely has been an ordeal. Everyday i find myself wanting to scream. Not why, as in why i made the choice i did, but why in the regards of why did this question ever have to be asked. Life was so much easier before i let the past creep back in on me.
Am i just afraid to settle? Was my fear too great?
"She loves me, she loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not."
Am i just cruel.
I fell so utterly hard. I feel so utterly alone, and the things i want to do i cannot because they are self-destructive and i have babies to think about. I just need to find some way to make this numbness go away. Don't try to follow where my mind goes. You won't understand. Just follow if you feel empathy. Help me wade through these streams of consciousness. Help me keep my head afloat. Or hold me under, but whatever you do, don't let me go.
I will sacrifice. I am sacrifice.
Now will it be worth it. Or does this fall under the realm of not-quite-what-it-seems.
I've been told that following your heart is the hardest thing you can do. I've been told that shouldering responsibility is the hardest thing you can bear. What do you do when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place in a dead end corridor. Which path do you choose? Which rock do you climb?
Do you want to know something i'm afraid of. I think i've only ever told one person. I mention it because it reminds me of where i am, the surreality of it all. I fear my reflection in a darkened room- where you can see your silhouette, but you cannot make out details. I can't look at mine. I don't know why. There is a child-like fear that it is the darkness within me looking out and showing me the truth. How does it relate to this? It scares me. Who knows. My mind just went there.
"I'll forever stay your perfect enemy."
sometimes you are the perfect enemy.
Love is worth all this right?
Signing off for now.
Gomenasai.
Am i weak for allowing it to so dominate me?
I'm sorry for writing what seems like the same questions i've been writing but i'm finding it hard to get a handle on things. I'm losing my best friend in this ordeal. AND it most definitely has been an ordeal. Everyday i find myself wanting to scream. Not why, as in why i made the choice i did, but why in the regards of why did this question ever have to be asked. Life was so much easier before i let the past creep back in on me.
Am i just afraid to settle? Was my fear too great?
"She loves me, she loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not."
Am i just cruel.
I fell so utterly hard. I feel so utterly alone, and the things i want to do i cannot because they are self-destructive and i have babies to think about. I just need to find some way to make this numbness go away. Don't try to follow where my mind goes. You won't understand. Just follow if you feel empathy. Help me wade through these streams of consciousness. Help me keep my head afloat. Or hold me under, but whatever you do, don't let me go.
I will sacrifice. I am sacrifice.
Now will it be worth it. Or does this fall under the realm of not-quite-what-it-seems.
I've been told that following your heart is the hardest thing you can do. I've been told that shouldering responsibility is the hardest thing you can bear. What do you do when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place in a dead end corridor. Which path do you choose? Which rock do you climb?
Do you want to know something i'm afraid of. I think i've only ever told one person. I mention it because it reminds me of where i am, the surreality of it all. I fear my reflection in a darkened room- where you can see your silhouette, but you cannot make out details. I can't look at mine. I don't know why. There is a child-like fear that it is the darkness within me looking out and showing me the truth. How does it relate to this? It scares me. Who knows. My mind just went there.
"I'll forever stay your perfect enemy."
sometimes you are the perfect enemy.
Love is worth all this right?
Signing off for now.
Gomenasai.