like a virgin
Alrighty, well here goes nothing.
Well today I had a breakthrough as to why it is that I give so much to the groups the I design for and why I always over extend myself to a point that I make myself worn out beyond most peoples limits. It occured to me today that it's been a really long time since someone has said to me, "I LOVE YOU". Especially romantically but just that. In general I haven't had that said to me in a long, long time. I don't know if that affects anybody else as much as it does me but after I realized that it has been so long it got me to thinking about why I put myself through everything that I do. I had a rough rehersal today and I've been going through alot of distress lately because of the dimeanor of some of my student in my independent winterguard Insignia. All of the drama today made me really evaluate the reasons why I keep alloying myself to get worked up over things like that and why it is I give so much to my students. I came to the conclusion that, when my kids are receptive and they vocalize their appreciation of my presence, thats as close as I really get to "I LOVE YOU" anymore. When they don't recieve me well I take it like a parent who's child has told them "I hate you".
That might sound trite to some people and I guess I could just be overly emotional but its all that I have to give myself to so it hurts when it doesn't feel like the kids care. I don't just do it so that people fawn all over me...thats not it at all. I do it because when i was a performer, it enriched my life in such a way that I feel that I have alot to give back to the thing that made me the person i am. It's also the form of artistic exspression that comes easiest and naturally to me. A painting can give you lip or hurt your feelings. "David" never gave Michealangelo the go to hell look.
I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time either so I getting really lonely when I feel like my only realtionship (the one between Insignia and I) is on the rocks. I no thats a sad substitution for an adult relationship but I don't have the time to persue anybody becaus eI spend so much time working on all my shows. I guess I'm just a product of my own device but ....oh hell, I don't know.
I've also bbeen talking to this guy named Micah for a couple of months of and on and he disappeared for like a month with no word of where he was at. When we met he really hit it off and he told me he really wanted to be with me. We had spent a night together(not had sex) just spent the night together and then like three days later I didn't hear from him again until friday. Well he has some "personal issues" that he's been dealing with that I COMPLETLY understand and am fine with. Well so we talk on friday and then POOF, just like that...he's gone again. Everytime he resurfaces he is the one that seeks me out so its not like I'm chasing him and he is just telling me what I want to hear to get me off his back....HE FINDS ME. I just don't want to give up on him because when we are together we click so well and I don't want to lose that but at the same time I can only handle so much of here today gone tomorrow. I don't know what to think.
Other than losing my job a couple of weeks ago, and me and Asilynne, who isn't just my roomate but ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE, are having the longest running silent game of our friendship. I know that she's mad at me about something because the silent treatment is what I get when she's mad at me but I don't have any earthly IDEA what it is that she's mad at me for. On one hand I want to ask her whats bothering her but on the other hand the passive aggresive shit really grates my nerves because we have so little time together already because of both of our schedule that it just wastes even more time. I also don't think that I should have to be the one to bring up the issue if its her that is upset and hasn't addressed it in the first place. I've already asked her to go to dinner on Wensday so that we can have sometime together and get this shit out in the open and get it out of the way but it still pisses me off and I just need to bitch about it for a second. Thanks for listening....or reading as it may. anywho....like I was saying....
Other than all that crap my life is pretty hot right now. I have made some really good contacts and both professional and personal friends through all the work I've been doing lately. Micheal Raiford is a professor of set, costume and stage design at UT Austin and has done alot of consultation work for Insignia. He and I have hit it off really well and up until recently have spoken just about every other day or so. He has quickly become a confidaunt and guide for me on many different levels. He brought me down to work with his school in austin and he and his husband and I all good BAR HOPING everytime we get together. It's nice to finally have a guiding light.
All the fruits of my labors are coming into season as far as my career goes.Insigina has the highest score in the country right now and all of the judges have been really enthusiastic about my choreography and the level of training I've given the kids. Alot of really well established schools in the area are asking for me to consult and design so all of my sacrafices are starting to pay off. Once I get my car running things will be much easier too!
Well I think that I have poured, or dumped, depending on how you look at it for this entry. I would really love to hear what anybody has to say about my entries so feel free to comment.
Well today I had a breakthrough as to why it is that I give so much to the groups the I design for and why I always over extend myself to a point that I make myself worn out beyond most peoples limits. It occured to me today that it's been a really long time since someone has said to me, "I LOVE YOU". Especially romantically but just that. In general I haven't had that said to me in a long, long time. I don't know if that affects anybody else as much as it does me but after I realized that it has been so long it got me to thinking about why I put myself through everything that I do. I had a rough rehersal today and I've been going through alot of distress lately because of the dimeanor of some of my student in my independent winterguard Insignia. All of the drama today made me really evaluate the reasons why I keep alloying myself to get worked up over things like that and why it is I give so much to my students. I came to the conclusion that, when my kids are receptive and they vocalize their appreciation of my presence, thats as close as I really get to "I LOVE YOU" anymore. When they don't recieve me well I take it like a parent who's child has told them "I hate you".
That might sound trite to some people and I guess I could just be overly emotional but its all that I have to give myself to so it hurts when it doesn't feel like the kids care. I don't just do it so that people fawn all over me...thats not it at all. I do it because when i was a performer, it enriched my life in such a way that I feel that I have alot to give back to the thing that made me the person i am. It's also the form of artistic exspression that comes easiest and naturally to me. A painting can give you lip or hurt your feelings. "David" never gave Michealangelo the go to hell look.
I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time either so I getting really lonely when I feel like my only realtionship (the one between Insignia and I) is on the rocks. I no thats a sad substitution for an adult relationship but I don't have the time to persue anybody becaus eI spend so much time working on all my shows. I guess I'm just a product of my own device but ....oh hell, I don't know.
I've also bbeen talking to this guy named Micah for a couple of months of and on and he disappeared for like a month with no word of where he was at. When we met he really hit it off and he told me he really wanted to be with me. We had spent a night together(not had sex) just spent the night together and then like three days later I didn't hear from him again until friday. Well he has some "personal issues" that he's been dealing with that I COMPLETLY understand and am fine with. Well so we talk on friday and then POOF, just like that...he's gone again. Everytime he resurfaces he is the one that seeks me out so its not like I'm chasing him and he is just telling me what I want to hear to get me off his back....HE FINDS ME. I just don't want to give up on him because when we are together we click so well and I don't want to lose that but at the same time I can only handle so much of here today gone tomorrow. I don't know what to think.
Other than losing my job a couple of weeks ago, and me and Asilynne, who isn't just my roomate but ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE, are having the longest running silent game of our friendship. I know that she's mad at me about something because the silent treatment is what I get when she's mad at me but I don't have any earthly IDEA what it is that she's mad at me for. On one hand I want to ask her whats bothering her but on the other hand the passive aggresive shit really grates my nerves because we have so little time together already because of both of our schedule that it just wastes even more time. I also don't think that I should have to be the one to bring up the issue if its her that is upset and hasn't addressed it in the first place. I've already asked her to go to dinner on Wensday so that we can have sometime together and get this shit out in the open and get it out of the way but it still pisses me off and I just need to bitch about it for a second. Thanks for listening....or reading as it may. anywho....like I was saying....
Other than all that crap my life is pretty hot right now. I have made some really good contacts and both professional and personal friends through all the work I've been doing lately. Micheal Raiford is a professor of set, costume and stage design at UT Austin and has done alot of consultation work for Insignia. He and I have hit it off really well and up until recently have spoken just about every other day or so. He has quickly become a confidaunt and guide for me on many different levels. He brought me down to work with his school in austin and he and his husband and I all good BAR HOPING everytime we get together. It's nice to finally have a guiding light.
All the fruits of my labors are coming into season as far as my career goes.Insigina has the highest score in the country right now and all of the judges have been really enthusiastic about my choreography and the level of training I've given the kids. Alot of really well established schools in the area are asking for me to consult and design so all of my sacrafices are starting to pay off. Once I get my car running things will be much easier too!
Well I think that I have poured, or dumped, depending on how you look at it for this entry. I would really love to hear what anybody has to say about my entries so feel free to comment.