11/07/22
Hi there. I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on work, especially because I feel so full of things to do, things to think, things to plan.
This weekend, as I was laying with Kelsey, I started thinking of all the people I'm no longer connected to. Javi, his family, his friends, my cat Leia, Tara and her family, the life I lived in Miami. A part of me was absolutely screaming. Screaming, screaming, screaming. Panicking. Running around like the world was on fire. She was gasping for breath, yelling at me that I had caused them all to leave. That I was alone and abandoned. That it was too much, that the reason my connections looked so different now was because of me, because I was the problem, because I wasn't good enough for people to stay. That Kelsey was bound to leave too. It was really intense.
Last night I cried over Leia. I miss her. She's 7 now. I wonder how she's doing. I wonder if Javi ever got her a cat tree, and if she likes his girlfriend. I miss her all the time, but last night I missed her so much that it hurt. I hadn't allowed myself to miss her before, only to think of her in passing.
Today I thought about Kelly, about the freshness, excitement and connection she brought me. Autumn 2019 feels so far away. I missed it so much that it hurt.
I walk through a quiet cemetery with headstones of connections, love and sadness, of the ghosts of people I once loved so much that I've convinced no longer care about me. I once saw a nature documentary that said birds, especially owls, love quiet, overgrown cemeteries. Maybe that's why owls have always avoided me - I haven't been ready to commune with my ghosts.
The tree in front of my apartment is almost fully yellow now. It's one of the only trees on my block that isn't bare yet. The leaves will become ghosts and the branches will soon become as bare as I've felt this year.
My deck tells me, "don't look back, we're not headed that way".