Autumn the ghost.
you can't understand how tired i am of living like this. this game of "hurry up and wait" is not really living at all. each day is a matter of finding distractions or means of making the time pass. there are a few tests coming up for me to take in hopes of finding a better job and moving away. but would moving even help? am i just running from myself?
i don't have enough stimulation or social interaction from day to day. there isn't any real reason to live at all other then the hope that my efforts will yield results in time. it often becomes difficult to even see the point in that. whats the point of anything? it would be so easy to just give up.
i feel like a ghost. if i am interacting with people or if someone takes notice of me anywhere then i exist. if not, then i don't. i have developed these strategies to get along with people and hide what is actually going on within. a person sees what i present to them and when that person goes away, i go back to being nothing and empty.
last night was particularly bad. i fell into a hole of depression while i was at work and managed to hold it together just long enough to get into my car and drive home. miserable and restless, i couldn't go into my apartment. i went for a walk in the dark.
saterday night and this is what i'm doing. pathetic.
as i was walking, i passed a ravine leading under the road. i had thoughts of just laying in the cold water until either someone noticed me or i died. is that what it takes to get attention? to stop being a ghost? the lines in the sidewalk blurred as my eyes welled up for the second time since i left work. there is a person sitting on a swing in the front yard of a house i passed. they noticed me walking by. for a moment, i wasn't a ghost any longer. thanks for that.
for the past few days i had hoped adam would call me. talking to him helps me feel better and it offers something to look forword to. i like him but there is nothing between us. how can there be when he lives 10 hours away? last night i gave up on him calling.
naturally that's when he calls.
i scrambled to pull myself together for fear of scaring him off by reeking of depression. however it wasn't long before i found myself trying to tactfully reach out to him. towards the end of the conversation he was trying to help me by offering suggestions. i feel so much better just thinking that someone gives a shit. i wonder why my other friends hardly ever call?
i don't have enough stimulation or social interaction from day to day. there isn't any real reason to live at all other then the hope that my efforts will yield results in time. it often becomes difficult to even see the point in that. whats the point of anything? it would be so easy to just give up.
i feel like a ghost. if i am interacting with people or if someone takes notice of me anywhere then i exist. if not, then i don't. i have developed these strategies to get along with people and hide what is actually going on within. a person sees what i present to them and when that person goes away, i go back to being nothing and empty.
last night was particularly bad. i fell into a hole of depression while i was at work and managed to hold it together just long enough to get into my car and drive home. miserable and restless, i couldn't go into my apartment. i went for a walk in the dark.
saterday night and this is what i'm doing. pathetic.
as i was walking, i passed a ravine leading under the road. i had thoughts of just laying in the cold water until either someone noticed me or i died. is that what it takes to get attention? to stop being a ghost? the lines in the sidewalk blurred as my eyes welled up for the second time since i left work. there is a person sitting on a swing in the front yard of a house i passed. they noticed me walking by. for a moment, i wasn't a ghost any longer. thanks for that.
for the past few days i had hoped adam would call me. talking to him helps me feel better and it offers something to look forword to. i like him but there is nothing between us. how can there be when he lives 10 hours away? last night i gave up on him calling.
naturally that's when he calls.
i scrambled to pull myself together for fear of scaring him off by reeking of depression. however it wasn't long before i found myself trying to tactfully reach out to him. towards the end of the conversation he was trying to help me by offering suggestions. i feel so much better just thinking that someone gives a shit. i wonder why my other friends hardly ever call?