"kill it! kill it!"
it feels like bordering on the edge of sanity when you travel down a road that you hated so much so many years ago and have it seem as though it was just last week. what's also strange is when you can almost feel the presence of people long passed from that time before the cataclysm which spun my whole world.
while driving down highway 390 towards corning it felt like something out of a dream. for a moment, doug was with me as his old self and we were driving back to school in his black and blue s10. my mother was alive too, i had seen her not long before the trip and i still had a chance at everything i ever wanted in life. there were many out-of-place sensations but it wasn't until i got passed dansville that everything was no longer familiar and it started to feel like the present once again.
erin and i stayed up talking a long time the night i got there after grabbing a few items at wegmans. she seems familiar but so much has changed about her since we went to college together almost a decade ago. erin is definately a better friend to me now even though we don't see each other much. she values friends as much as i do. i'll say right off the batt that this trip was fun, adventurous, and exciting.
we ran a few errands the next day and picked up a friend of hers named sean who can't seem to get over his exg/f and mother of his child. he talked about it the whole time practically and i must say it was annoying. normally i dno't mind such things but there was a reason i came all the way down there and it wasn't to hear him go on and on.
we grilled burgers with erin's parents (who love me by the way lol) and later walked to a bar that erin likes to go to. there she saw another friend named matt who took a great deal of interest in me. everyone present agreed that it is too bad he is married already. i appreciated the attention and found it rather uplifting. i could still use the self-esteam.
we drank quit a bit and erin insisted on paying for all of it. she was a tad drunk and i couldn't get drunk at all as much as i tried. doing the math and considerring i never drink, i should have at least been tipsy. i'm not complaining though. my sobriety helped me a great deal in what was to happen next.
while i was in the bathroom, erin successfully picked up a geeky (but reasonably good looking) kid aging about 22 or 23. she convinced him to give us a ride in his truck to the bridge we had crossed on the way there. the idea was to pick up some beer and continue drinking at the river. somehow this idea changed to driving around some backroads and playing hide and seek in the woods.
at some point i dropped my phone in the woods. erin and this kid desided to pretend to drive off without me and ended up stuck in the ditch. the kid called my cell phone. amazingly i heard it ring not 5 feet away at the base of a tree. it was dark and there was no way i was going to find it with just a lighter in the melting snow. i'm thankful to have found it.
meanwhile, erin was still drunk and being wicked mean to the kid for getting stuck in the ditch. granted it was his showing off that probably got him stuck to begin with. he called some friend and it wasn't long before a larger truck came and pulled out the little dakota sport.
back in the truck and it is then desided to try to find some more back roads. admittedly i was rather sick of using this kid and really wanted to jsut go back to the house and possibly drink more or maybe just go to bed. i didn't want to be a buzz kill and i sensed that the kid was getting a bit fed up with erin anyway.
we found some vacent dirt road and managed to dodge four deer crossing infront of us. a few yards up, another one sees us coming and charges right for the truck. it tucked and rolled and landed in the ditch sunk to its haunches in freezing water still very much alive.
me and the kid felt the best thing to do is to leave it die with dignity as it struggled with 2 broken front legs (at least i think that was the case, either way it couldn't stand and was trying to "inch-worm" away from us). i even came up with the idea of calling the police or someone who has a gun with the intent of putting it out of its misery.
what happened next was unexpected and a bit sickening. erin had become obsessed with killing the deer rather then letting it be. she kept screaming "kill it! kill it!" and even went so far as to jump down there with the terrified animal and tried to snap its neck with her hands. she twisted its head until it bellowed in painfull retaliation. she let go finally but couldn't be convinsed to leave it be. finally she persuaded the kid to try to cut its throat with a pocket knife.
he might as well have used a wooden spoon, it would have been sharper then what he was trying to saw away at the animal's neck with.
erin was insane, the kid was a stooge, and no one was going to listen to me as much as i tried. hyperthermia would have been so much better then what this deer had to endure. now it has a cut neck but is still very alive and in much more pain then it was when we first hit it. we drove away as i shook my head.
the kid and i were angry with erin at this point. i know she didn't want the animal to suffer but this behavior, drunk or not, was unacceptable at that moment. he dropped us off close to the house where erin and i argued for a while. finally i walked off back to the house. we made up shortly after and the whole thing ended well. i hope i never see that side to her again though.
weeks ago i had googled my old friend's name, adam. i found his email and wrote him. when i came back into the house after i walked away from erin, i jumped online and found that he had written me back finally. i must say i was extremely happy to hear from him. i wrote him back immediately.
what worries me is that i tried to tell him what has been going on in life without sounding pittiable. i think it probably came across like, "my mom died, my dog died, i don't have a place to live, my b/f left me...but its ok because i have two cars!" or something like that which is quite hilarious now that i think of it. i hope he doesn't think i'm fucked up and desides not to write back a second time.
anyway, erin and i didnt' get to sleep until 6am this morning. i got up at noon and erin complained of not feeling well. i ended up leaving earlier then i wanted but it turned out to be for the best. i returned a pair of wireless headphones that didn't work, i went running, took a nap, and still had time to write this entry.
....
a few hours ago, someone showed me a recent pic of jake on the other computer. damn it. i wish they didn't show me. he really is beautiful. i could have stared at it forever all the while feeling sorry for myself. his lips, his face, that cute nose and those eyes i had looked into lovingly so many times. isn't it awful that just a mere picture can have that affect?
why do i still have to feel this way? when will it finally die?
as erin said, "kill it! kill it!"
---
while driving down highway 390 towards corning it felt like something out of a dream. for a moment, doug was with me as his old self and we were driving back to school in his black and blue s10. my mother was alive too, i had seen her not long before the trip and i still had a chance at everything i ever wanted in life. there were many out-of-place sensations but it wasn't until i got passed dansville that everything was no longer familiar and it started to feel like the present once again.
erin and i stayed up talking a long time the night i got there after grabbing a few items at wegmans. she seems familiar but so much has changed about her since we went to college together almost a decade ago. erin is definately a better friend to me now even though we don't see each other much. she values friends as much as i do. i'll say right off the batt that this trip was fun, adventurous, and exciting.
we ran a few errands the next day and picked up a friend of hers named sean who can't seem to get over his exg/f and mother of his child. he talked about it the whole time practically and i must say it was annoying. normally i dno't mind such things but there was a reason i came all the way down there and it wasn't to hear him go on and on.
we grilled burgers with erin's parents (who love me by the way lol) and later walked to a bar that erin likes to go to. there she saw another friend named matt who took a great deal of interest in me. everyone present agreed that it is too bad he is married already. i appreciated the attention and found it rather uplifting. i could still use the self-esteam.
we drank quit a bit and erin insisted on paying for all of it. she was a tad drunk and i couldn't get drunk at all as much as i tried. doing the math and considerring i never drink, i should have at least been tipsy. i'm not complaining though. my sobriety helped me a great deal in what was to happen next.
while i was in the bathroom, erin successfully picked up a geeky (but reasonably good looking) kid aging about 22 or 23. she convinced him to give us a ride in his truck to the bridge we had crossed on the way there. the idea was to pick up some beer and continue drinking at the river. somehow this idea changed to driving around some backroads and playing hide and seek in the woods.
at some point i dropped my phone in the woods. erin and this kid desided to pretend to drive off without me and ended up stuck in the ditch. the kid called my cell phone. amazingly i heard it ring not 5 feet away at the base of a tree. it was dark and there was no way i was going to find it with just a lighter in the melting snow. i'm thankful to have found it.
meanwhile, erin was still drunk and being wicked mean to the kid for getting stuck in the ditch. granted it was his showing off that probably got him stuck to begin with. he called some friend and it wasn't long before a larger truck came and pulled out the little dakota sport.
back in the truck and it is then desided to try to find some more back roads. admittedly i was rather sick of using this kid and really wanted to jsut go back to the house and possibly drink more or maybe just go to bed. i didn't want to be a buzz kill and i sensed that the kid was getting a bit fed up with erin anyway.
we found some vacent dirt road and managed to dodge four deer crossing infront of us. a few yards up, another one sees us coming and charges right for the truck. it tucked and rolled and landed in the ditch sunk to its haunches in freezing water still very much alive.
me and the kid felt the best thing to do is to leave it die with dignity as it struggled with 2 broken front legs (at least i think that was the case, either way it couldn't stand and was trying to "inch-worm" away from us). i even came up with the idea of calling the police or someone who has a gun with the intent of putting it out of its misery.
what happened next was unexpected and a bit sickening. erin had become obsessed with killing the deer rather then letting it be. she kept screaming "kill it! kill it!" and even went so far as to jump down there with the terrified animal and tried to snap its neck with her hands. she twisted its head until it bellowed in painfull retaliation. she let go finally but couldn't be convinsed to leave it be. finally she persuaded the kid to try to cut its throat with a pocket knife.
he might as well have used a wooden spoon, it would have been sharper then what he was trying to saw away at the animal's neck with.
erin was insane, the kid was a stooge, and no one was going to listen to me as much as i tried. hyperthermia would have been so much better then what this deer had to endure. now it has a cut neck but is still very alive and in much more pain then it was when we first hit it. we drove away as i shook my head.
the kid and i were angry with erin at this point. i know she didn't want the animal to suffer but this behavior, drunk or not, was unacceptable at that moment. he dropped us off close to the house where erin and i argued for a while. finally i walked off back to the house. we made up shortly after and the whole thing ended well. i hope i never see that side to her again though.
weeks ago i had googled my old friend's name, adam. i found his email and wrote him. when i came back into the house after i walked away from erin, i jumped online and found that he had written me back finally. i must say i was extremely happy to hear from him. i wrote him back immediately.
what worries me is that i tried to tell him what has been going on in life without sounding pittiable. i think it probably came across like, "my mom died, my dog died, i don't have a place to live, my b/f left me...but its ok because i have two cars!" or something like that which is quite hilarious now that i think of it. i hope he doesn't think i'm fucked up and desides not to write back a second time.
anyway, erin and i didnt' get to sleep until 6am this morning. i got up at noon and erin complained of not feeling well. i ended up leaving earlier then i wanted but it turned out to be for the best. i returned a pair of wireless headphones that didn't work, i went running, took a nap, and still had time to write this entry.
....
a few hours ago, someone showed me a recent pic of jake on the other computer. damn it. i wish they didn't show me. he really is beautiful. i could have stared at it forever all the while feeling sorry for myself. his lips, his face, that cute nose and those eyes i had looked into lovingly so many times. isn't it awful that just a mere picture can have that affect?
why do i still have to feel this way? when will it finally die?
as erin said, "kill it! kill it!"
---