(no subject)
Closure is my least favorite word, and I think that's why I spent a lot of time writing about it in my new project, which is coming along rather successfully in fact. It's hard to pin down what closure is or when it happens. Is it a process? Is is associated with a revelation or event or moment? Is it a bright light or a snap of a finger? Does it mean things are over, or just stored? Is is a shredder or a tupperware?
I had a dream last night that was really, really strange. It must be one of my stranger ones because I remember it, and I scarcely ever do. I dreamed that I was at Marist, but in place of Marist was Burke. Everyone called it Marist though, and everyone worth remembering from Marist was there, in full uniform, including TJ. We had a long talk about what we were going to do when we graduated (apparently we were seniors in college) and it seemed like we were still together in the dream. Except, instead of planning our future together, I told him that I was going to be with Joe-- move in with him, find a job down there, start a life with him. And he told me that he wasn't sure where he was going, but that I should do what I need to do. He didn't seem mad or sad or affected at all... just complacently separate from me.
It's not as if I felt before this dream that I needed some sort of closure from TJ. I rarely even ever think of him unless someone else brings him up in conversation. I couldn't tell you where he is or what he's doing with himself, and that's never really bothered me. It still doesn't. I think the closure here is more for that portion of my life... the portion that almost doesn't even feel real to me anymore. It reads in my head as surreal as my communion day or class trips in elementary school, things that exist through pictures in my mother's drawer and fuzzy images I can draw up in my mind if I think hard enough. It has that kind of distance, but until last night, had a sting that I couldn't shake. It feels gone though, not reasoned out or rationalized, just gone and done and distant. It has no meaning anymore, it passed like any other time. It can't define me anymore. It's almost my other least favorite word... liberating.
You don't fight
You don't sigh
You don't listen back
Even on the trail of love
You're all done
We're not finished yet
Seeing heights my heart bequeaths
You don't see
You don't need
You don't matter now
Even on the trail of love
You don't fall
You don't recognize
All the things I did for you
Cause I am over - the things you did to me
It's uneasy but it's true -
Didn't I say?
Didn't I treat you right you're breaking me down?
Didn't you treat me right I'm breaking you down?
All and all you're just a lake inside my ocean
All and all you're just for me
All and all you're just a lake inside my ocean
Anyway I see.
I had a dream last night that was really, really strange. It must be one of my stranger ones because I remember it, and I scarcely ever do. I dreamed that I was at Marist, but in place of Marist was Burke. Everyone called it Marist though, and everyone worth remembering from Marist was there, in full uniform, including TJ. We had a long talk about what we were going to do when we graduated (apparently we were seniors in college) and it seemed like we were still together in the dream. Except, instead of planning our future together, I told him that I was going to be with Joe-- move in with him, find a job down there, start a life with him. And he told me that he wasn't sure where he was going, but that I should do what I need to do. He didn't seem mad or sad or affected at all... just complacently separate from me.
It's not as if I felt before this dream that I needed some sort of closure from TJ. I rarely even ever think of him unless someone else brings him up in conversation. I couldn't tell you where he is or what he's doing with himself, and that's never really bothered me. It still doesn't. I think the closure here is more for that portion of my life... the portion that almost doesn't even feel real to me anymore. It reads in my head as surreal as my communion day or class trips in elementary school, things that exist through pictures in my mother's drawer and fuzzy images I can draw up in my mind if I think hard enough. It has that kind of distance, but until last night, had a sting that I couldn't shake. It feels gone though, not reasoned out or rationalized, just gone and done and distant. It has no meaning anymore, it passed like any other time. It can't define me anymore. It's almost my other least favorite word... liberating.
You don't fight
You don't sigh
You don't listen back
Even on the trail of love
You're all done
We're not finished yet
Seeing heights my heart bequeaths
You don't see
You don't need
You don't matter now
Even on the trail of love
You don't fall
You don't recognize
All the things I did for you
Cause I am over - the things you did to me
It's uneasy but it's true -
Didn't I say?
Didn't I treat you right you're breaking me down?
Didn't you treat me right I'm breaking you down?
All and all you're just a lake inside my ocean
All and all you're just for me
All and all you're just a lake inside my ocean
Anyway I see.