I just feel like writing... not that anyone cares, hell no one even reads this shit anymore!
I've got to get this off my chest, it's killing me. I can't possibly be like everyone else, I'm different, I'm not suppose to have these feelings,these doubts about myself. I don't know where I went wrong, karma isn't biting me in the ass, my fucking heart just isn't communicating with my head. I'm at the point where I feel like exploding. I know I'm not doing anything seriously wrong, but it feels like betrayal to me. My poor sweet sweet baby deserves the truth, and yet I couldn't possibly tell him. I love him, so why do I have the sudden urge to correct a damaged relatioship that's really not even worth repairing? I'm not talking about cheating, or well, maybe I am, but a different kind of cheating. Emotionally, I suppose. He's not making any sexual advances, and nor am I. I just want to maintain a friendship with him. I hate what happened between us, but I understand that things turned out exactly the way they were meant to. And I've never been happier. I'm in this amazing relationship with a very passionate man. He loves me, and he has no problems telling me that he does. So I just can't possibly comprehend my actions. I can't tell him how I feel, there aren't any negative feelings toward him for his latest outbreaks jealousy, but it makes communication impossible in this situation. He would feel like he could no longer trust me, or he'd just be completely heart broken, but I feel like I deserve some closure. I don't have it in me to hate, and I feel this is something I need to do. I need to forgive him, and we need to be friends or at least on good terms. It's such a delicate matter, and I wish I knew how to handle things in a more graceful manner. Am I supposed to just keep this to myself and continue to go behind his back until I feel I have accomplished my goal, or do I talk to him about, and if I talk, what the hell am I suppose to say to him? How can I possibly make him understand? How do you tell someone you love, that you want to be friends with an ex? That you want to hang out with someone you have at one point had both a strong sexual and emotional connection to?