(no subject)
imagine driving along I-25 at 75 miles an hour just driving a long and BAM a brick wall out of no-where cripples your car and destroys your body and soul everything just gone all thats left is a pile of ruble..... i knew that 2 people had to get and 4 didnt its just hard and stuff and its not that i didnt get its just finaly know some truths. People dont look up to me and think that i can lead, people dont believe and such its so fricken hard i just wanna go hide away in a hole and let no one come and talk to me they all say you were so great im so sry you didnt make it but you did a really good job it was soo close anyone would be great at it.... but then again i see my results and know that its not true. 36/50 on "roudy" senior block; 40/50 commanding senior block; 35/50 interview; 70.3/75 teachers; 187.3/235 BK judges; 3/160 student vote for a total of somewhere around 370 the LOWEST score this is all crap i just want give up wither away and die, i feel soo humiliated and everytime i try to forget the whole thing, it keeps coming back to haunt me. :( admiting how bad i did brings tears to my eyes the high score was like 420 some thing or like 450 and then there was me..... dead last.
I dont know what has happened to me i have lost friends people i can talk to and i have to resort to posting all of my crap on this. I know i have friends but i dont feel like i have close friends everyone feels so off in the distance everyone says that they're there for me but when i need to just relax and get crap out no one is there its like im walking alone through a desert of lies. I dont know what has happened to me, im just so alone, not becuase of the auditions or anything just recently what ever i do is wrong and i feel like such an out cast spending my nights alone watching tv or (until today) working on my score, the only e-mail i ever get anymore is spam im lucky if it say "comment" or "blank wants to be friends". I feel that if i was more populare i could have gotten it, i cant help the feeling that even with the senior decisions its all still popular who friends with who, who gives who hugs and who hangs out with who. This has just been such a shock and such that it makes my love for music just plumit that im no good at it and i should just quite, i dont know if i want to do it in college. I have 4 fricken days to memorize an 8 minute show this is soo bad i dont know how im gonna hold up the next few days i... i just dont know any more whats worth it and what isnt worth it......
I dont know what has happened to me i have lost friends people i can talk to and i have to resort to posting all of my crap on this. I know i have friends but i dont feel like i have close friends everyone feels so off in the distance everyone says that they're there for me but when i need to just relax and get crap out no one is there its like im walking alone through a desert of lies. I dont know what has happened to me, im just so alone, not becuase of the auditions or anything just recently what ever i do is wrong and i feel like such an out cast spending my nights alone watching tv or (until today) working on my score, the only e-mail i ever get anymore is spam im lucky if it say "comment" or "blank wants to be friends". I feel that if i was more populare i could have gotten it, i cant help the feeling that even with the senior decisions its all still popular who friends with who, who gives who hugs and who hangs out with who. This has just been such a shock and such that it makes my love for music just plumit that im no good at it and i should just quite, i dont know if i want to do it in college. I have 4 fricken days to memorize an 8 minute show this is soo bad i dont know how im gonna hold up the next few days i... i just dont know any more whats worth it and what isnt worth it......