suzaku | oo1
Who: keptdown and you probably ...?
Where: EVERYWHERE-- somni business district.
Style: idk, i'll go with whatever you do.
Status: open.
( thinking is bad! )
Where: EVERYWHERE-- somni business district.
Style: idk, i'll go with whatever you do.
Status: open.
( thinking is bad! )
A brief pause, "You should know I seek her counsel in most matters, even including matters such as this one. She asked me if I was going to continue to act as if I was still preparing for the Requiem or if I was going to act as if it was complete... A decision that you, too, will have to make if we are ever going to live comfortably together in Somarium. It's not big enough for us to act like the other doesn't exist. And, let us be reasonable, you know as well as I do that such an act would be an extremely difficult one to pull off."
His violet eyes bored holes into the face of the man standing before him, despite the fact that his head was turned and his eyes looking toward the ground and not toward his Emperor. His thin face remained solemn as he continued to speak, words now pouring from his lips, the same lips that held back his thoughts moments ago.
"Our lives have been forever intertwined since the day we met over ten years ago... Something that isn't going to change despite the events that have taken place prior to your arrival in Somarium. What remains right now is that I am standing before you and I'll be here in the same city with you, whether you like it or not. No, you weren't emotionally prepared to handle something like this and I don't believe I truly am, either; but there are some wounds that time will never heal."
He took in a deep breath and softened his gaze. It was Suzaku's turn to speak.
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He stops, only to take a deep breath himself and run a hand through his hair.
"What do you expect me to do, Lelouch? No- what do you want me to do -- return to your side and act as your knight?" He asks, back straightening like a pin and tensing on instinct, as if someone plucked the string of a bow. "Because it seems as if my decision has already been made."
And, it has -- he will absolutely not return to Lelouch's side without an order (an order that he will abide by, because Nunnally is not here and Schneizel is no where to be seen), but Suzaku will always protect him. Always. If not because Lelouch is, indeed, his Emperor, then because his life is vital to his time. It is not yet time for him to die; and, Suzaku has already gone through his death once.
Somehow, he ...
"I won't give 'Zero' back to you, regardless of what you want. Whether you want your knight and ally, or your enemy," Suzaku adds, quiet but unyielding as he chooses to cross the rest of the space between them with more than a heavy thought and rampant thoughts. No matter what Lelouch wants, 'Suzaku' still has a gravestone, and is still dead and gone. If he returns to being Suzaku, it would be a betrayal of the man who leaned against him even though he had a sword shoved all the way through his body; the man who pressed a hand against 'Zero's' helmet to comfort him in a time when Suzaku could not control his tears.
It really is almost too much, whether he is emotionally prepared or not. Time wouldn't be able to heal Suzaku no matter how many eternities he gives it (and whoever the hell controlled time -- stupidity he won't think about) to do so. There's so much he could say, so much he could tell Lelouch, so much as he could (probably) ask him --
(Do you know how it felt to put a sword through you, to pull and push Nunnally's hands away from your dead body, to keep you away from their prying eyes and prying hands)
-- but he doesn't. He doesn't think it necessary to ask, so he keeps his mouth shut and breathes out, the tension following that breath soon after. Willing his body to relax despite his close proximity to the (his) former Emperor, not wanting to seem as if he's unwilling to comprehend this (somewhat) reality. Suzaku doesn't want to misunderstand.
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The silence was deafening, punctured only by harsh breathing from two tortured souls.
Lelouch couldn't control his thoughts, his mind spiraling out of control, being pulled in as many ways as it possibly could at one time. He was certain of what he'd just heard. A man should never have to hear his dying words. He bit his lip at them, turning his head sharply, his youthful features marred by anger and bitterness.
"Just because I was stolen from Britannia and thrown in Somarium doesn't mean I relinquished the title of Emperor."
Of course, he wanted Suzaku to return to his side and take the place of his knight in Somarium, but things weren't that simple. They could never be that simple. Life had always been a struggle for both men and Somarium was proving to be no different than Britannia in that respect.
"I don't expect anything of you."
A lie. He still expected everything of Suzaku, despite being in Somarium. He expected everything to go back to how he wanted it... but he knew that wasn't going to happen.
"Do I want you to return to my side and act as my knight in Somarium?" He shut his eyes, taking a moment to breathe, "I do, but I would rather have Suzaku at my side for the time being. I don't want my enemy with me, I want my confidant."
He clenched his fists at his side, "I gave up 'Zero' when I became Emperor, I don't want that back."
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"I apologize. I was out of line," he says, and he almost touches the side of Lelouch's face, but his hand stops halfway up and drops back to his side. Instead, he closes his eyes and shakes his head. "But, if you don't expect anything of me then I don't know how I should move. As I said, my decision was made for me from the very beginning."
What is he supposed to do? He can't stand here and lie; he won't tell Lelouch that he doesn't want to be by his side. Somehow, that doesn't seem like the right way to go. No matter what, Suzaku will always, always run to be by his side if he were needed -- only if he's needed, never one to overstep his boundaries.
As Lelouch has stated, he hasn't given up his title. Therefore, there would be a definite overstepping, should Suzaku truly try to reach out and establish some sort of contact.
That's why he steps back one last time, figuring Lelouch would not want him that close to him. Suzaku gives something of a smile, something he has managed to dig up from a coffin somewhere in the heart of his heart (where Lelouch is missed the most), and nods. Once, slowly.
"You say that you want your 'confidant'- but, honestly Lelouch, that spot is already taken by C.C. Regardless, I," he pauses and once again his features soften, arms dropping back to his side, "don't think you need me there right now. I don't know how long you've been here, but I know that you've survived just fine up till now."
Survived.
That word gets him, even though he's the one who spoke it, and he seems to be looking around now, trying to find an escape. Something to stop the choked feeling from rising up from his chest and making its way through his throat, something to make it all stop. He tries to grasp his punishment somewhere in the back of his mind, feeling around but grasping nothing but cold air. It's like chasing a ghost; he'll never catch it, not right now, and --
-- he covers a mouth to smother the choked sound he makes.
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The right side of his upper lip curled up slightly, the young emperor irritated at the what's being said, "You have no need to apologize because you were nowhere near out of line."
A brief pause, "Are you waiting for me to issue you a command? Am I to spell it out for you? What words are you looking for?"
The frown deepened when Suzaku took a step back and smiled weakly.
The witch cautions me against acting in a specific manner, so I listen to her advice and it backfires.
His hand had been resting at the bridge of his nose as he stood lost in thought. He didn't need to hear that woman's voice in the back of his head at a time like this. He shook his head in an attempt to clear the barrage of thoughts from it, before his violet eyes found the green ones staring back at him once more.
"I can have more than one close friend. C.C. fills a much different need in my life than you do and you know that," he said, still a bit of strain in his voice. "The amount of time I've spent in Somarium is irrelevant in this discussion for the number of thoughts that have had you and my Nunnally at the center have been countless, almost incessant, since my arrival."
Despite his friend's best efforts to cover the choked sound, Lelouch still heard it and it still affected him. Without a second thought, his hand left his side and grabbed Suzaku's shoulder, drawing him close.
"Suzaku."
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This, of course, being a false sense of security in lieu of bigger problems. Though he tries to calm down (tries very hard), it's suddenly so very real, too real. Lelouch's hand is too solid, his presence too close, his eyes too- too -- bright, he doesn't know. Even though Lelouch has reached out and initiated a touch, Suzaku is hit hard with a realization that he had been trying to deny all of his time in Somarium; that Lelouch is very alive, and very much there. It's hard to accept (was before, at least), harder than anything else he had to accept before (probably).
So much so that the tears start and flow and don't stop when he tries to will them to, even though he really doesn't want to cry. Not here, in front of Lelouch. But, Lelouch is real, and he said Suzaku (does that mean that 'Suzaku' is real, too -- no, best not to think of such things), and he said Nunnally too and Nunnally is ... He knows she exists (not here, not yet), and he latches on to that thought without a second to waste, that tiny existence somewhere in the back of his mind, and hangs on for dear life.
Somehow, though, it doesn't stop the tears, and that hand has become more of a heavy burden than a light comfort.
Ashamed, Suzaku snaps his head to the side and keeps his eyes trained on the ground. He doesn't look Lelouch in the eye when he says, "Regardless of which of your needs she seems to fill- I have to disagree. You move just fine without me there, and it makes no difference whether I'm at your side or watching from a distance."
And now- now he's yearning to get away. He wants to cover his face maybe, and shrug that hand away (it's too warm -- this is real, isn't it); it doesn't matter how lonely he might get, or how much he might miss Lelouch. It just shouldn't matter. (Right?)
Ah. Momentarily giving up on trying to think through that dilemma, he chooses to stand there instead. While half of him wants to leave, the other half wants to stay; it's a cycle he's often times found himself in, and this is no exception. Suzaku doesn't want to hear a biting comment, and he doesn't want to hear about a shield incapable of doing its job, allowing itself to be held back and put away. (Isn't he the same?)
So he stays. He lets that hand stay where its at, lets it keep him in place and close, but he doesn't look at the owner of that hand. His lips are sealed shut, and now Suzaku just- wants to sleep, probably, somewhere warm and familiar. But, it's nothing he'll ever have, even if he seeks it out. No, he's long since given up anything of that sort.
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Whether or not this is what Suzaku needed, he had no way of knowing, but he was certain of the fact that this is what he needed.
It hurt him to see the tears streaming down Suzaku's cheeks, not even able to make eye contact he was so ashamed, especially knowing that he was (most likely... no, certainly) the cause of all of this. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat and remained still and silent, not letting go of his friend quite yet.
A thin hand lightly rested on Suzaku's back, "I don't want to go about my business and fulfill the plans I've set forth in Somarium with my knight and my friend watching from a distance."
He took a moment to collect his thoughts.
"Suzaku..." his voice was softer than it had been moments ago. "Just because I move fine without you by my side does not mean I want to."
Stepping back from Suzaku, he slowly let his arms fall back to their rightful places at his side. The distress was visible on his face as he looked back at the anguish on the face across from him. There was nothing he could say to make this situation any easier, he was sure of that.
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And then there's a hand on his back, words (there's Suzaku again) that could be a lie -- he isn't so sure anymore, but he's damned whether he believes those gentle syllables or not -- before his hands move to push Lelouch away. Suzaku doesn't want this to be harder on either of them, doesn't want to be the one who makes it worse -- knows as much as it has to be, at least. He's not sure where hugging him will get the king on the board, probably closer than Suzaku thinks, but Suzaku doesn't think he wants this. (Doesn't think. In truth, he-)
Lelouch is stepping away before Suzaku's hands can move.
Instead, they do the opposite of what he wants them to when his hands do end up moving: reaching out. One moves to wrap around Lelouch's waist while the other is skittering to land on the back of Lelouch's neck, both tugging simultaneously so that he would have the chance to hold. "I'm sorry," he whispers across Lelouch's cheek, a sigh following it as he squeezes around Lelouch once, his forehead dropping to settle against the others' shoulder. Holding on to him like he's the only thing that matters in that moment, past and death aside.
It doesn't last long, however; Suzaku, who merely wants to imprint this warmth back into his memory, knows never to hold on so long. And, this is Lelouch, who is both enemy and (somewhat) friend. With one last deep breathe in and then out, he pulls back and gives something of a smile, as weak as it is; his fingers skirt to curl in Lelouch's hair a moment, before his hands, too, are pulling away. He hasn't stepped away from Lelouch, hasn't put that distance between them, instead standing as close as he can to the other.
All he looks now is wry and tired, defeated a moment as he shakes his head and says, "Your Majesty. I want to be by your side, but- you know already. I don't know if I can return to a time when I'm your 'knight'. Maybe, though -- maybe I can be your friend again. Suzaku Kururugi. For you, I'll try."
Smiling just a little bit more now. "You know already- I come from a time where you're dead. Six months after that incident, to be precise," and though it hurts him to remember that, to so much as think about it, he says it without tearing up again.
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His eyes were open, though they were not looking at the face before his, but at the ground below. "Lelouch," he said sternly. "Your Majesty is a title my guard and subjects, not my closest friends, use to address me. You're not assuming the role of my knight right now, you don't need to address me as if you are."
He allowed his hands to remain at Suzaku's side for a few moments longer as he listened carefully, watching the smile grow, before letting them fall as he took a step and abruptly turned his back on his friend.
The young emperor's heart was suddenly heavy, his mind inundated with more than most could handle. I came from a time when you're dead. Six months after that incident, to be precise, were his words... but they weren't all that important. It would be selfish of Lelouch to change the subject of their conversation away from their relationship to something that meant more to him, but Lelouch vi Britannia was an extremely selfish man and he couldn't control the direction in which his mind traveled at times.
Tilting his chin back, his eyes drift toward the sky, "I have no way of truly knowing how painful it was for either of us. I come from a time roughly nine months to a year prior to your current point in time. The annihilation of Pendragon was the last thing I recall before arriving in Somarium."
A deep breath, an attempt to carry on, "She tells me that she is still alive." His voice weakened, "Is she well?"
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And so, Suzaku slips his serious face back on (Zero), eyes closing as he looks off to the side and answers Lelouch's question, "The Empress is well, yes. As well as she can be -- she's been busy with international affairs, but Schneizel and I are with her to make sure she doesn't take more on her shoulders than she can carry." His shoulders are tense and he would like nothing more than to walk around a little because his legs are growing slightly tired, but he keeps his stance straight. He is Zero, after all; there's nothing that can change that.
"You say that the last thing you remember is Pendragon being destroyed by FLEIJA... It was a little after that, then- that we found out Nunnally was alive, and that she became our enemy, siding with Schneizel and Cornelia," Suzaku continues before pausing, hesitating no longer than two seconds before he finishes, "She opened her eyes, Lelouch. She can see now."
He wonders, briefly, how Lelouch will take that. The news that his younger sister can see as clear as anyone in Britannia or Japan (possibly clearer), and that she is Empress with Zero and Schneizel but her side. But, Suzaku doesn't dwell on it for too long; after all, it doesn't happen to be something he wants to think about if he doesn't have to. It makes a sickening kind of feeling fester in his gut.
Not that he doesn't want to think about Nunnally, of course; when C.C. so kindly that time had just frozen back home, he was more than a little relieved. Nothing will have changed when he returns to Britannia. Lelouch will be dead, C.C. a letter away, and Schneizel and Nunnally at his side. So, there's really nothing to worry about. This happening between he and Lelouch, in the end, won't --
(It's depressing so he stops that thought quickly. He is truly naive, and he is well aware of this. As if things could return to the way they were back then. There goes trying to be 'Suzaku Kururugi'.)
Suzaku doesn't look at Lelouch- why in the hell would he (Zero) want to talk to someone's (Lelouch's) back, anyway, let alone look at it -- instead keeping his eyes trained on one thing or another. Perhaps it would have been better if he had not gone out today; his gut had told him that much, at least, when he woke up that morning. Regardless of what it thought, he dragged himself out of bed and put a god damn smile on his face. Defiance at its prime, probably. Testing to see if he could still trust that old feeling of his.
It seems he can. Next time his gut disagrees with his plans for the day, he plans on changing those plans to something he has a good feeling about so that he can avoid situations like the one he has on his hands right now. Next time, Suzaku will curl back up in bed and sleep in. And, just maybe, he might not even go out that day. Maybe he'll lock the doors and take a day off.
... Maybe pigs will fly.
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Yet, when there was a crack in that mask and something was slowly chipping away at it, bits and pieces of it would begin to fall. As each piece hit the ground, it shattered into thousands of pieces that couldn't be put back together and the layers of the masks had begun to peel away and fall to the ground, completely destroyed.
And suddenly the exposed eighteen year old face was left standing there, staring at the sky, bewildered.
He shut his eyes tightly, trying to stop the pain from spilling out, but nothing could prevent it at this point. His narrow shoulders drooped slightly though he tried to maintain his posture... but the trembling was starting to take over, working its way from his neck to his feet.
It was one thing hearing that Schneizel was taking care of his precious Nunnally, that produced more anger than anything.
But when Suzaku finished with, She can open her eyes, Lelouch. She can see... All sanity was out the window. Nunnally meant everything to Lelouch, she was his raison d'être. To hear this, to hear that, not only was she alive, but that she had regained something so wrongfully taken from her at such a young age...
Warm tears reluctantly started to spill from his clouded eyes and stain his pale skin. As the minutes passed, they poured faster and faster until they were a steady stream down his cheeks, dripping off of his jaw and into the dirt below. His fists were clenched at his side and he was doing all he could to try and stop his arms from trembling, but his efforts were futile.
Words were useless at this point, he didn't want Suzaku to hear him crying... he was sure he already knew.
So, he stood in silence, tears streaming down his face, looking at the sky. Stoic as ever. Back turned on his best friend.
Not even willing to let him see what was behind those masks.
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(He is tempted to do something that he doesn't think would be appropriate to do. In the end, he doesn't do it, for he's crushed that thought with the sole of his shoes.)
Suzaku cranes his neck to press his cheek against Lelouch's ear and lets a sigh out before saying, "She loves you, Lelouch." And that is saying something, considering how upset she was before and after Lelouch's death. Lelouch who had betrayed everyone and didn't hesitate after finding a set course- it's strange, though. This is the only way he knows how to comfort Lelouch, to let him know that he's loved and not hated by the sister he holds so dear to himself no matter what she's said or done, no matter how many FLEIJA she's fired on them both.
This time it lasts longer, an arm around his Emperor and a hand on the other's elbow, holding him in place so that he can't escape -- not too tight, but tight enough to keep him close and grounded -- eyes closing indefinitely. Again, he's more than tempted to press his face against Lelouch's neck, to tell Lelouch that Nunnally misses him and wants to be with him, but that- that is not how it's to be. That desire is not something to be expressed any longer. At least, not after what Nunnally had witnessed -- her brother being run through with a sword right in front of her while she was chained and bound -- and Suzaku was more than willing to make a bet that they would both cry if they seen each other again and Nunnally expressed herself.
If this is how it is, then so be it it seems. Only like this can Suzaku tell him- and hope he remembers, should something bad happen.
And yet, he doesn't want Lelouch to cry. Tears have always been something of a weakness for him, and Lelouch's tears are rare things indeed, having a definite effect on him. Suzaku almost smiles at the thought. He has a hardened heart now, for he is completely alone in his life. Practicality is something of an easy way for him, and he hates it; however, he abides by it, by the words spoken to him from lips some have said belong to the devil, and he will follow those words until the day he finally dies- once and for all.
(I need to live)
Not yet, his mind whispers quickly, to stop the surge of the Geass that prevents him from having his wish fulfilled. He's not yet ready to leave Lelouch here, doesn't have half the mind to do so when Lelouch is clearly not in a mental state to be left alone, and his body is not warm enough to pull away. Notyetnotyetnotyet.
His fingers curl both around the knob of Lelouch's elbow and around the clothes over his waist. He decides, quickly, that he will let go when Lelouch is through crying. Suzaku will leave as quickly as he came, and probably will not look back. Yes. This is what his decision is while in the spur of the moment. (Not Suzaku, ZeroZeroZero.) But he does wonder, perhaps, what would have happened had he walked away. Lelouch is a fickle, selfish thing after all. But, maybe it is better that he does not know; Suzaku expects it now, really, when it comes to Lelouch. He expects Lelouch to keep things from him- after all, he's done so before. Why change anything now?
(No. Nothing will change no matter how close he clutches his Emperor.)
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Several long minutes passed before the rise and fall of his chest returned to a semi-normal pattern. Lelouch was thankful for what Suzaku said, though he would be hard pressed to admit such a thing with anything more than a nod where they stood now.
He tried to twist out of the young man's grasp, but his strength didn't match that of his companion. It was useless, Suzaku's arm was still wrapped around his waist, his fingers curled into the fabric of his clothes. He placed his hand on his knight, no, his friend's forearm, "Suzaku..."
A sigh escaped, "Where do we go from here? All of these skeletons have been laid out before us, brought out from the closet despite our best attempts to keep them hidden away. Somarium has provided a means for us to sort through these things and has given us all the time we need."
Perhaps it was selfish of him to think that they could sort through the things that had tormented their storied pasts. But Lelouch was a fickle, selfish thing after all.
He did nothing to move away from Suzaku, nothing to break from his grasp. Instead, he chose to stand there a moment longer in silence.
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-- somehow it helps ease that loneliness, just a little bit.
The arm around Lelouch's waist moves, that hand dragging upwards to press over Lelouch's chest and feeling the flutter of his heart under his ribcage. The Emperor has stopped crying, even tried to get away (unsuccessful attempt number one of course, because Suzaku refuses to let go), and seems to be speaking well enough now -- spouting off something almost interesting in prospective -- so he figures he should finally let him go.
He doesn't do so, not right away at least; not until he brushes their cheeks together. When Suzaku pulls away, he gives something of a secretive smile before saying, "You want to sort through things, Lelouch? You honestly want to do that?" Suzaku doesn't sound disbelieving, no- just shocked, perhaps, that Lelouch would truly want to work things out between them. Lelouch is dead in Suzaku's (Zero's) time, his old kingdom taken over and rebuilt by Nunnally vi Britannia.
And she tries so hard, too; to rule like she thinks her brother would have had he been a kind ruler. Had the circumstances been very different, Suzaku is sure (absolutely so) that Lelouch would have been --
(no)
No matter. The beat of Lelouch's heart is something that Suzaku only let himself focus on when he had an arm around him, but now that he doesn't- well, he feels a little empty. It's a passing thing he's sure, but it doesn't stop the fact that the feeling is there and pestering him like no other. However, Suzaku does his best to push it to the side, to forget a little bit of the pain he feels for just a little while longer. This is something he can't afford to show Lelouch -- Lelouch had seen enough, after all -- and he's not going to dwell on it any further.
He wants to work through things. He wants to put an end to his anxiety, and actually believe the words that come out of Lelouch's mouth; it's hard, though, after having been lied to for so long. That, and it's been six long months since he's heard a lie. Not that Suzaku is counting Nunnally's lies -- I'll be alright, Lord Zero -- because she's still grieving in her own way, and those are lies he can later point out and confront. Small ones that hold so much.
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Lelouch was at a loss. He was trying to understand, trying to grasp Suzaku's view of the entire situation, but he couldn't. Things were so very different in Britannia before he arrived in this dream world and the circumstances in one's home world can greatly impact one's actions upon their arrival.
His mind couldn't help but drift back to the things Suzaku said - that Nunnally loved him, that she could see, that Schneizel was there with her, that things were being taken care of like they should be. But those thoughts weren't pertinent right now, they had nothing to do with his life in Somarium. These future events were already set in stone, it seems, and there was nothing he could do (especially given his current location) to change the outcome of things. The only thing he could focus on was his life in Somarium.
"What more do you want me to say? Are you looking for anything in particular? A magic word or phrase?" he sighed, frustrated. "I have nothing else to add, Suzaku, you know my feelings right now. I'm not hiding anything from you."
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