"Oh man, you're having all kinds of horrible experiences"
And so true is that statement! Let me recount for you the horrible of this weekend, and then move on to the horrible of two days ago.
So, Thursday was a very bad day for me. I had the day off, and I spent the majority of it sitting on the couch forcing myself not to harass the Fella on gmail. It was a "you don't need to talk to him every. single. day. idiot" kind of thing. But it was soooo wearing. Plus, it was that first really vicious day of hormones that always jacks me up hardcore. So by about 9 o'clock I was literally starting to go a little crazy. I was clinging so hard to keep in a good mood that it was almost making it worse. My brother invited me over about then and I jumped at the chance to get out of the house and be with another human being. Well, technically I could have gone to blues (I had Mad Dog calling and texting me like crazy trying to get me to come) but it was sooooo not what I was in the mood for. So I go over to Brother's house where he is sitting on his lawn playing the guitar. We talk for a while and I'm doing a fair job of staying in a good mood. But then he starts dragging his nail along the guitar string making possibly the most irritating noise ever. So I ask him to stop. He starts dragging his nail along a different string and says "You weren't specific enough." all snotty like. So I say "Brother, please stop making the most irritating sound ever on that guitar." So he starts tapping on the guitar, making the second most annoying sound ever. I stare at him for about 30 seconds before saying something along the lines of "Oh my gosh! Can you please just stop!? I seriously cannot handle this right now. I'm trying really hard to be in a good mood..." and he says "What's so hard? Just decide to be in one." As though he has never been an absolute bastard with nothing for an excuse other than that he was in a bad mood and couldn't be bothered to exert himself. So I say "I'm trying. Very hard right now. But there are limits sometimes, and I cannot handle that." It was more his snotty attitude that was driving my batty. And he says "Fine. Then just leave. Go away if you're going to be like that." If I'M going to be like that?! Excuse me, what?
So I walk away, feeling even more unhinged than before. I finally had caved as I was walking over, and I'd texted the Fella. I figured I could just invite him to blues and that was all. That was fair. He still hadn't texted me back. It was now about 9:45. So I decided to text Sergey. I knew he went to bed early, but I thought there might be a chance he was still up. Sure enough, just a few minutes after I texted him "Are you up?" he says "yep". "Do you mind if I stop by?" "If you want to come to Price." "Oh. Dang it. Well, you have a good evening then." I honestly don't know what I did with myself the rest of the night. I was just out walking around for a while. At some point the Fella texted back and told me he was in Oak City. It was like a conspiracy. All the people I most wanted to see were gone. The Fella in Oak City, Sergey in Price, Annie in Taiwan. But the more I thought about it, the more tempting the idea of Price became. I could just go down there and soak up that wonderful warmth of a family that is so lacking at college. So Friday (which was a mostly good day and I'll tell you about it in another post) I texted Sergey again said "Hey, are you going to be down there through Sunday? Would it be ok if I came down Saturday night? I really want to not be in Provo right now." He answered "You're welcome to come if you want to." So Saturday I got off work and went to my friend's wedding reception with Kanyette (who is back from Brazil!). Unfortunately the reception went much later than I thought it would. I didn't get back till 9, and then I had to get ready to go. So I wasn't leaving Provo till 10. I text Sergey to let him know I'm taking off and he texts back "It's too late. You shouldn't be driving. You should have told me you'd be leaving at 10." Aw, is he worried about me? "I'll be fine," I reply "but are you guys going to be up?" I get no response to this. Ok, well, whatever. So I take off. Just as I'm getting to the canyon I get a text from Bunny telling me I ought to come to the Malt Shoppe. Sven also texts me a few minutes later "I miss you dancing friend". Thanks, but I'm on my way home. Which is sort of how I felt. Like going to Price was the very next best thing to going home.
Little did I know, this was not going to be the nice break I was hoping for. Because of construction and idiot drivers it took me an extra long time to get down there, so I got in around 11:30. As I drove up I felt some misgivings, as the house looked very dark. But then I saw there was a light on in the basement. Unfortunately, the door was locked. So I had to text Sergey and ask him to come let me in. A few minutes later he comes, opens the door and just turns right back into the house. Doesn't even say hello. So I follow him in and all he says is "I don't know where you're going to sleep. Danny took the guest room." "Well, I can just sleep on the couch." "There isn't a couch to sleep on." Ummm.....ok. I'm starting to feel really awkward at this point. So I follow him down to the basement and there are his two younger brothers, one asleep on the couch, the other in a sleeping bag on the floor. I say "Oh, I can just sleep here on this couch." "I'm sleeping on that couch." "Um, ok, then I'll sleep in the chair. I'm not picky." "You can sleep in Little Bro's bed." Ok...So he goes and grabs me a clean pillow case (though I told him I was fine) and then says "Well, goodnight." and lays back down on the couch. At this point I'm feeling horrible. I'm thinking I must have woken him up. But at least he'll probably be in a better mood in the morning, right? So I go to bed.
I think I must have been aware on some level that there was something more than just tired going on with him because I slept very poorly and woke up super early. I got up and took a shower around 8 (which ended up being very lucky as it turns out they have church at 9) and got ready for church. I head upstairs and grab a drink of water and some drugs to combat the now onsetting physical discomfort that was coming to join the mental/emotional upheaval.
I don't think it would be interesting or useful to go into detail with what I actually did, but suffice it to say, it was as though I could feel literal waves of negativity and annoyance coming at me from Sergey. All morning. He wouldn't talk to me. At one point I touched his shoulder to ask him if he wanted to come with me to visit Roommate and Zabini (who now live in Price and who I haven't seen in months--since their little boy was quite wee) and shrugged my finger off and said "Don't touch me!" Even his mother, who I love deeply, even she was awkward. I can't decide if it was the awkward of knowing something that I didn't that made it really awkward for me to be down there; or if it was the awkward of simply sensing this tension between me and her son and reacting to it unconsciously. There was one small moment in Sunday School when he acted normal for just a second and spoke to me and smiled. But it was gone as soon as the lesson was over. I have never felt like I was intruding and so unwanted in my life. And part of the problem is that I am so aware of Sergey. I can read him very well and when I'm with him I watch him like a hawk, aware of every shift in mood, and I react to them. If he is in a bad mood I KNOW and I respond. So it wasn't just a normal awareness that you are intruding, it was magnified about 50 fold. It was, to put simply, miserable.
So after church I texted Roommate and told her Sergey wasn't going to come with me, so I could come over whenever she wanted. We decided that, since I didn't know where she lived she would just come get me ("why don't you just drive there?" "Because I don't know where she lives Sergey. I was sort of assuming you would show me but you clearly will not be doing that.") But she wasn't coming till 2, which was two hours from where we were. Sergey just went and crashed on the couch, so I went outside and played with the puppies. Thank heaven for puppies, by the way. They love you and play with you no matter how horrible their owner is acting. I would sit down on the lawn and they would come and pile on top of me in a great big floppy pile and chew on my ears and lay their heads on my knee and just generally love me. And then when I got boring and just lay down to sleep they would go off and play together, but every 15 minutes or so they would come back and snuffle in my hair and remind me that they knew I was there and still loved me despite that I'm boring. I love those puppies.
So Roommate came and got me at two and I then spent the next 5 hours at her place, playing with her baby and listening to her tell me about her life of remodeling their house and worrying about Baby and growing with Zabini. And then I told her a little bit about my life (not much because the concerns of my life are now very far away from the concerns of hers) including my current situation with the Fella. She commiserated with me without judging, bless her. And then I told her about how tense I was feeling with Sergey. She was very upset that he was "being such a jerk." I can't say how little I wanted to go back to his house, but eventually they had to go over to the in-laws so they drove me back.
Zabini and Sergey go way back, they were best friends in high school. That's actually why I know Sergey. Back when Zabini and Roommate were dating the only way Sergey could see Zabini was to also be at our apartment. Anyway, they hadn't seen each other for a long time, so when we got there Sergey came over and was all friendliness, talking to Zabini and wanting to show him the new chicken-coop and the coon he'd caught and just much more like his typical "I'm glad to see you" self. But still wasn't talking to me. They stayed for about 20 minutes and then, as Roommate was giving me a hug goodbye she whispered in my ear "I think you should just get in that car and leave." but alas I couldn't.
So they left and it was just like...I don't know, crashing into a brick wall. The brick wall of his un-voiced antagonism and annoyance towards me, hammering on my consciousness. I trailed after him out to the barn to feed the raccoon as though I wasn't even there. He scarcely acknowledged me. I just couldn't handle it. So as we were walking back into the house I said "Well, I guess I'll head back to Provo..." and he says "That sounds like a good idea." and that's it. It was like being slapped in the face. I literally flinched. I felt absolutely miserable. So I went in the house, grabbed my stuff and thanked Lynette for letting me crash the family party. She asked if I was leaving and said it was no trouble at all and she'd see me later. I passed Sergey on my way out and he just stood there. I got out to the car and loaded all my stuff in and then I just stood there for about 3 minutes trying to figure out if I should go back in and say goodbye or just leave. I just sort of had my face in my hands standing in the doorway to my car. I think he saw me there, so he came out and sat on the porch. So I walked over and looked at him for a minute, just looking for anything that wasn't annoyance. Nothing. So I sort of choked out "Well...bye" and he just stared back at me and said "bye."
I almost cried as I drove away. I wished I had. I wanted to, if only so that I could feel better after. But I couldn't. I just sat there feeling utterly wretched. I don't know what I did. I don't know why he was so angry with me. I don't know what is going on. I just wanted to go home, or to the next best thing. But instead I got this new confusion and worry added on top of my already messed up emotional state. I slowly pulled myself together as I drove home so that when I got back to Provo and we ended up having a spur of the moment game night I could actually laugh and enjoy myself. It was actually just what I needed.
That was Saturday and Sunday. Now for Tuesday. Tuesday of horrible.
Well, parts of Tuesday were nice. The part where I got to hang out with Orchid (who, I think, has gotten a couple pseudonyms already, but I can never remember them from one post to another) was nice. And it was nice knowing that she felt the same about hanging out with me. She said a couple times that it was just what she'd needed. That was nice. What wasn't nice was having to wake up at 7 am so that I could go to work and only work for TWO HOURS! Yeah, they scheduled me for a two hour shift. Which I wouldn't have minded except I had to wake up at 7 am to work it. GAY! Then home to give Sancho a ride down to Santaquin to pick up a new Chinchilla. This was also nice. I really enjoy my friendship with Sancho. We're just really chill and he's super nice. The chinchilla was absolutely teeny and adorable and I got to hold her. Cute! Then, since he'd promised me lunch for driving him down (I would have done it for free) we dropped little Pepper off, and picked up his roommate (who needs to be taken out into society sometimes) and went to this fantastic Korean restaurant. This part of Tuesday was also very nice. The food was really dang awesome. Sancho insisted on sharing all of his food with me and we evaluated which dish was the best. I got some truly divine pot-stickers. Life was good. Then I came home and had a nice long conversation with the Fella on gmail about our respective perspectives on life and why I think his is superior to mine (bless him, he disagreed with me in all the right places). It was actually a really interesting conversation that I think will lead to some musings here one of these days. Then Orchid came over, as well as Brother and we were all nice and friendly and chatty. Oh, also Lil' Brudder was here for a while as well.
A week or so ago Kandy and The Latina (new roommate) had purchased hair dye and Kandy had gotten an extra box which, when she didn't end up using it, she decided I needed to use. It was a sort of cool-toned red-y color. So Tuesday I decided to just go for it and dye my hair. Orchid did it for me. She was a nervous wreck and just certain that she was going to ruin my hair. I told her I had complete confidence in her and if she messed up I could just cut it all off. For some reason this didn't make her feel better.
Anyway, in the midst of this process I get a random text from Jarhead. As in, brother's best friend of how many bajillion years, the boy who I was in love with from the ages of 9-17, who is now equivalently my second brother. I mean...we go waaaaaay back. We have about as much history together as you can get. I know him very well. Anyway. I'm foreshadowing here without wanting to. The point is, I get a text from him randomly asking me "Is NCMO always wrong?" (I can't imagine anyone wouldn't know this, but NCMO=Non-Committal Make Out). I poll Brother and Orchid and the consensus is two against, one for. That is, Orchid's instinctive response is "Not ALWAYS". I tell him that I think that physical closeness without an emotional analogue is a dangerous and damaging thing. Why does he want to know? Because he wanted to win an argument, he says.
Then, a few minutes later I get another text from him. "Speaking of, are you interested?" I burst out laughing. "Well, tempting as that offer is, I think I'll have to pass." "What if I brought ice cream and we watched a movie and cuddled. Then could we make out?" "Well, if you're going to include ice cream then ABSOLUTELY!" See, I'm thinking this is all a funny joke. I mean....this is JARHEAD! My second brother. But he keeps going--"I'll be over in 20 minutes. What kind of ice cream do you want?" Oh. Um, well, Orchid and I are just heading down to Spanish Fark to water some plants so you should probably give us an hour. And, uh, whatever kind of ice cream you want. At this point I'm asking Orchid "Do you think he's really serious?" She thinks he absolutely is. We discuss NCMO on the way down. She tells me she's taken part in her share, hence her first response is to say that it can be ok. But when she stops to think about it she knows that it has always hurt her in the end. So she's decided she's not going to do it any more. But she's fine with cuddling.
So, we make it back to the apartment a few minutes after Jarhead also arrives. We sit and chat for a moment and then we put a movie on. Batman Begins (I don't know if I'm going to be able to watch that movie again for a while). I still think that we're just watching a movie. He can't actually have been serious. Not with me. Not Jarhead. Imagine, then, my surprise when he pulls me over and puts his arm around me. Ummmm....ok. Uh. Well, ok, so clearly he is feeling the need for some kind of comfort and companionship. I guess I can cuddle with him for a movie. That's no big deal. But we don't stop there.
Orchid gets up and goes to the kitchen to get the ice cream or something and he wraps his other arm around me, pulls me in all close and KISSES ME ON THE CHEEK!!! WHA???? I kinda just burst out laughing nervously and said something like "Oh! Um...seriously?" and he's like "Yes. Does she know?" Oh. Wow. This is getting very uncomfortable for me very quickly. Um, just keep acting like its a joke? "Yeah, she knows." "So do I get to make out with her too?" ".....uh...heh....yeah. We discussed it. heh...heh..." Please please please let him be joking.
No. He is not joking. He moves me to the other side of the couch so that he can sit in the middle and cuddle with me on one side and Orchid on the other. I cannot bear the idea of him actually kissing me. On my mouth. I'm sorry, but my first kiss is NOT going to be like this! So I slide way down so that my head is sort of on his chest/in his lap. He puts his arm around me and periodically will stroke my arm or leg or whatever. All the while I can tell that he is also periodically going for Orchid, trying to kiss her. She stuck to her resolution not to randomly make out with random guys. But she seemed fine with everything else.
I was not. I lay there for about 3/4 of the movie until I realized that I was horribly uncomfortable and that I could change that and that I should change it. So I got up and went to the bathroom. Oh yeah. So halfway into the movie we were joined in all our awkward glory by Kandy, Fairy, and Tall RM Boy. They had no idea what was going on and just piled in to watch the movie with us. This did not stop Jarhead by the way, who continued to try and make out with Orchid. But they did make it sort of harder and yet easier to get up and leave. I went and used the bathroom and then when I came back I just sort of tucked myself into the corner of the couch.
After the movie he lingered for a few moments, and then said "well, should I walk you out to your car or something?" and he and Orchid left. I then proceeded to sit on the couch and be slowly overwhelmed with a growing horror at what I had just experienced. Every single way I thought about it made it worse. Who it was. What expectations had been had. Who had been involved. How many people had been involved. How it ended. How I had actually been a PART of it. The horror just grew and grew and grew and I started feeling nauseated and absolutely utterly wretched. Jarhead had showered at my brother's before he came so he smelled nicely of soap. But as I sat there, that soap smell lingered and each time I would catch the scent again it would just add to the nausea until I thought that if I smelled it again I actually was going to go and throw up...and just throw up and throw up.
I needed a distraction desperately. Just by fate, the Fella was online still. Very late for him to be up. But I imposed myself onto his evening to tell him about my horrible experience. It was kind of funny. I opened with "Um, can I ask you an odd/possibly awkward question?" "Uh, sure." "Have you ever been propositioned for NCMO?" (at this point I realized that this sounded like I was about to proposition HIM so I quickly added "because I was tonight") "What do you do with that?" He replied "I would probably just stare at them blankly. Or if I was in the wrong mood I'd say 'sure, let's do it' What happened?" So I told him who it was and he agreed that it was very weird. I told him what happened and how I was now freaking out. He said "I understand. I've more or less been in your same position. Just know that it is worse when you get the girl to kiss you." On the one hand I didn't want to know that he has engaged in such an activity. But on the other, he was nicely sympathetic. And then, when I told him I wanted a distraction he spent the next hour telling me all about this problem he was working on with his sensors and how he figured it out and what he was doing. Bless his heart. Finally, when he decided that he really needed to go to bed he told me I should as well. I said I was thinking of cleaning the apartment instead (it was 2 am at this point). He said "No, don't do that. Just go to sleep. I mean, you can do whatever you want to, but I think you should go to bed." So I finally went to bed. And ever since I keep thinking of that horrible experience and feeling wretched again. I know I didn't actually do anything really wrong. I mean, we didn't even actually kiss. But I feel like...I don't know...a whore of Babylon. I feel like I shouldn't have ever let anything happen at all. Why would I have gone with anything at all? *shudder* Well now I know that I am absolutely NOT the non-committal type!
And there you have my horrible experiences. Ugh! I need this weekend to be good. Hopefully I can hang out with the Fella a little and just chill. I sure could use it.
So, Thursday was a very bad day for me. I had the day off, and I spent the majority of it sitting on the couch forcing myself not to harass the Fella on gmail. It was a "you don't need to talk to him every. single. day. idiot" kind of thing. But it was soooo wearing. Plus, it was that first really vicious day of hormones that always jacks me up hardcore. So by about 9 o'clock I was literally starting to go a little crazy. I was clinging so hard to keep in a good mood that it was almost making it worse. My brother invited me over about then and I jumped at the chance to get out of the house and be with another human being. Well, technically I could have gone to blues (I had Mad Dog calling and texting me like crazy trying to get me to come) but it was sooooo not what I was in the mood for. So I go over to Brother's house where he is sitting on his lawn playing the guitar. We talk for a while and I'm doing a fair job of staying in a good mood. But then he starts dragging his nail along the guitar string making possibly the most irritating noise ever. So I ask him to stop. He starts dragging his nail along a different string and says "You weren't specific enough." all snotty like. So I say "Brother, please stop making the most irritating sound ever on that guitar." So he starts tapping on the guitar, making the second most annoying sound ever. I stare at him for about 30 seconds before saying something along the lines of "Oh my gosh! Can you please just stop!? I seriously cannot handle this right now. I'm trying really hard to be in a good mood..." and he says "What's so hard? Just decide to be in one." As though he has never been an absolute bastard with nothing for an excuse other than that he was in a bad mood and couldn't be bothered to exert himself. So I say "I'm trying. Very hard right now. But there are limits sometimes, and I cannot handle that." It was more his snotty attitude that was driving my batty. And he says "Fine. Then just leave. Go away if you're going to be like that." If I'M going to be like that?! Excuse me, what?
So I walk away, feeling even more unhinged than before. I finally had caved as I was walking over, and I'd texted the Fella. I figured I could just invite him to blues and that was all. That was fair. He still hadn't texted me back. It was now about 9:45. So I decided to text Sergey. I knew he went to bed early, but I thought there might be a chance he was still up. Sure enough, just a few minutes after I texted him "Are you up?" he says "yep". "Do you mind if I stop by?" "If you want to come to Price." "Oh. Dang it. Well, you have a good evening then." I honestly don't know what I did with myself the rest of the night. I was just out walking around for a while. At some point the Fella texted back and told me he was in Oak City. It was like a conspiracy. All the people I most wanted to see were gone. The Fella in Oak City, Sergey in Price, Annie in Taiwan. But the more I thought about it, the more tempting the idea of Price became. I could just go down there and soak up that wonderful warmth of a family that is so lacking at college. So Friday (which was a mostly good day and I'll tell you about it in another post) I texted Sergey again said "Hey, are you going to be down there through Sunday? Would it be ok if I came down Saturday night? I really want to not be in Provo right now." He answered "You're welcome to come if you want to." So Saturday I got off work and went to my friend's wedding reception with Kanyette (who is back from Brazil!). Unfortunately the reception went much later than I thought it would. I didn't get back till 9, and then I had to get ready to go. So I wasn't leaving Provo till 10. I text Sergey to let him know I'm taking off and he texts back "It's too late. You shouldn't be driving. You should have told me you'd be leaving at 10." Aw, is he worried about me? "I'll be fine," I reply "but are you guys going to be up?" I get no response to this. Ok, well, whatever. So I take off. Just as I'm getting to the canyon I get a text from Bunny telling me I ought to come to the Malt Shoppe. Sven also texts me a few minutes later "I miss you dancing friend". Thanks, but I'm on my way home. Which is sort of how I felt. Like going to Price was the very next best thing to going home.
Little did I know, this was not going to be the nice break I was hoping for. Because of construction and idiot drivers it took me an extra long time to get down there, so I got in around 11:30. As I drove up I felt some misgivings, as the house looked very dark. But then I saw there was a light on in the basement. Unfortunately, the door was locked. So I had to text Sergey and ask him to come let me in. A few minutes later he comes, opens the door and just turns right back into the house. Doesn't even say hello. So I follow him in and all he says is "I don't know where you're going to sleep. Danny took the guest room." "Well, I can just sleep on the couch." "There isn't a couch to sleep on." Ummm.....ok. I'm starting to feel really awkward at this point. So I follow him down to the basement and there are his two younger brothers, one asleep on the couch, the other in a sleeping bag on the floor. I say "Oh, I can just sleep here on this couch." "I'm sleeping on that couch." "Um, ok, then I'll sleep in the chair. I'm not picky." "You can sleep in Little Bro's bed." Ok...So he goes and grabs me a clean pillow case (though I told him I was fine) and then says "Well, goodnight." and lays back down on the couch. At this point I'm feeling horrible. I'm thinking I must have woken him up. But at least he'll probably be in a better mood in the morning, right? So I go to bed.
I think I must have been aware on some level that there was something more than just tired going on with him because I slept very poorly and woke up super early. I got up and took a shower around 8 (which ended up being very lucky as it turns out they have church at 9) and got ready for church. I head upstairs and grab a drink of water and some drugs to combat the now onsetting physical discomfort that was coming to join the mental/emotional upheaval.
I don't think it would be interesting or useful to go into detail with what I actually did, but suffice it to say, it was as though I could feel literal waves of negativity and annoyance coming at me from Sergey. All morning. He wouldn't talk to me. At one point I touched his shoulder to ask him if he wanted to come with me to visit Roommate and Zabini (who now live in Price and who I haven't seen in months--since their little boy was quite wee) and shrugged my finger off and said "Don't touch me!" Even his mother, who I love deeply, even she was awkward. I can't decide if it was the awkward of knowing something that I didn't that made it really awkward for me to be down there; or if it was the awkward of simply sensing this tension between me and her son and reacting to it unconsciously. There was one small moment in Sunday School when he acted normal for just a second and spoke to me and smiled. But it was gone as soon as the lesson was over. I have never felt like I was intruding and so unwanted in my life. And part of the problem is that I am so aware of Sergey. I can read him very well and when I'm with him I watch him like a hawk, aware of every shift in mood, and I react to them. If he is in a bad mood I KNOW and I respond. So it wasn't just a normal awareness that you are intruding, it was magnified about 50 fold. It was, to put simply, miserable.
So after church I texted Roommate and told her Sergey wasn't going to come with me, so I could come over whenever she wanted. We decided that, since I didn't know where she lived she would just come get me ("why don't you just drive there?" "Because I don't know where she lives Sergey. I was sort of assuming you would show me but you clearly will not be doing that.") But she wasn't coming till 2, which was two hours from where we were. Sergey just went and crashed on the couch, so I went outside and played with the puppies. Thank heaven for puppies, by the way. They love you and play with you no matter how horrible their owner is acting. I would sit down on the lawn and they would come and pile on top of me in a great big floppy pile and chew on my ears and lay their heads on my knee and just generally love me. And then when I got boring and just lay down to sleep they would go off and play together, but every 15 minutes or so they would come back and snuffle in my hair and remind me that they knew I was there and still loved me despite that I'm boring. I love those puppies.
So Roommate came and got me at two and I then spent the next 5 hours at her place, playing with her baby and listening to her tell me about her life of remodeling their house and worrying about Baby and growing with Zabini. And then I told her a little bit about my life (not much because the concerns of my life are now very far away from the concerns of hers) including my current situation with the Fella. She commiserated with me without judging, bless her. And then I told her about how tense I was feeling with Sergey. She was very upset that he was "being such a jerk." I can't say how little I wanted to go back to his house, but eventually they had to go over to the in-laws so they drove me back.
Zabini and Sergey go way back, they were best friends in high school. That's actually why I know Sergey. Back when Zabini and Roommate were dating the only way Sergey could see Zabini was to also be at our apartment. Anyway, they hadn't seen each other for a long time, so when we got there Sergey came over and was all friendliness, talking to Zabini and wanting to show him the new chicken-coop and the coon he'd caught and just much more like his typical "I'm glad to see you" self. But still wasn't talking to me. They stayed for about 20 minutes and then, as Roommate was giving me a hug goodbye she whispered in my ear "I think you should just get in that car and leave." but alas I couldn't.
So they left and it was just like...I don't know, crashing into a brick wall. The brick wall of his un-voiced antagonism and annoyance towards me, hammering on my consciousness. I trailed after him out to the barn to feed the raccoon as though I wasn't even there. He scarcely acknowledged me. I just couldn't handle it. So as we were walking back into the house I said "Well, I guess I'll head back to Provo..." and he says "That sounds like a good idea." and that's it. It was like being slapped in the face. I literally flinched. I felt absolutely miserable. So I went in the house, grabbed my stuff and thanked Lynette for letting me crash the family party. She asked if I was leaving and said it was no trouble at all and she'd see me later. I passed Sergey on my way out and he just stood there. I got out to the car and loaded all my stuff in and then I just stood there for about 3 minutes trying to figure out if I should go back in and say goodbye or just leave. I just sort of had my face in my hands standing in the doorway to my car. I think he saw me there, so he came out and sat on the porch. So I walked over and looked at him for a minute, just looking for anything that wasn't annoyance. Nothing. So I sort of choked out "Well...bye" and he just stared back at me and said "bye."
I almost cried as I drove away. I wished I had. I wanted to, if only so that I could feel better after. But I couldn't. I just sat there feeling utterly wretched. I don't know what I did. I don't know why he was so angry with me. I don't know what is going on. I just wanted to go home, or to the next best thing. But instead I got this new confusion and worry added on top of my already messed up emotional state. I slowly pulled myself together as I drove home so that when I got back to Provo and we ended up having a spur of the moment game night I could actually laugh and enjoy myself. It was actually just what I needed.
That was Saturday and Sunday. Now for Tuesday. Tuesday of horrible.
Well, parts of Tuesday were nice. The part where I got to hang out with Orchid (who, I think, has gotten a couple pseudonyms already, but I can never remember them from one post to another) was nice. And it was nice knowing that she felt the same about hanging out with me. She said a couple times that it was just what she'd needed. That was nice. What wasn't nice was having to wake up at 7 am so that I could go to work and only work for TWO HOURS! Yeah, they scheduled me for a two hour shift. Which I wouldn't have minded except I had to wake up at 7 am to work it. GAY! Then home to give Sancho a ride down to Santaquin to pick up a new Chinchilla. This was also nice. I really enjoy my friendship with Sancho. We're just really chill and he's super nice. The chinchilla was absolutely teeny and adorable and I got to hold her. Cute! Then, since he'd promised me lunch for driving him down (I would have done it for free) we dropped little Pepper off, and picked up his roommate (who needs to be taken out into society sometimes) and went to this fantastic Korean restaurant. This part of Tuesday was also very nice. The food was really dang awesome. Sancho insisted on sharing all of his food with me and we evaluated which dish was the best. I got some truly divine pot-stickers. Life was good. Then I came home and had a nice long conversation with the Fella on gmail about our respective perspectives on life and why I think his is superior to mine (bless him, he disagreed with me in all the right places). It was actually a really interesting conversation that I think will lead to some musings here one of these days. Then Orchid came over, as well as Brother and we were all nice and friendly and chatty. Oh, also Lil' Brudder was here for a while as well.
A week or so ago Kandy and The Latina (new roommate) had purchased hair dye and Kandy had gotten an extra box which, when she didn't end up using it, she decided I needed to use. It was a sort of cool-toned red-y color. So Tuesday I decided to just go for it and dye my hair. Orchid did it for me. She was a nervous wreck and just certain that she was going to ruin my hair. I told her I had complete confidence in her and if she messed up I could just cut it all off. For some reason this didn't make her feel better.
Anyway, in the midst of this process I get a random text from Jarhead. As in, brother's best friend of how many bajillion years, the boy who I was in love with from the ages of 9-17, who is now equivalently my second brother. I mean...we go waaaaaay back. We have about as much history together as you can get. I know him very well. Anyway. I'm foreshadowing here without wanting to. The point is, I get a text from him randomly asking me "Is NCMO always wrong?" (I can't imagine anyone wouldn't know this, but NCMO=Non-Committal Make Out). I poll Brother and Orchid and the consensus is two against, one for. That is, Orchid's instinctive response is "Not ALWAYS". I tell him that I think that physical closeness without an emotional analogue is a dangerous and damaging thing. Why does he want to know? Because he wanted to win an argument, he says.
Then, a few minutes later I get another text from him. "Speaking of, are you interested?" I burst out laughing. "Well, tempting as that offer is, I think I'll have to pass." "What if I brought ice cream and we watched a movie and cuddled. Then could we make out?" "Well, if you're going to include ice cream then ABSOLUTELY!" See, I'm thinking this is all a funny joke. I mean....this is JARHEAD! My second brother. But he keeps going--"I'll be over in 20 minutes. What kind of ice cream do you want?" Oh. Um, well, Orchid and I are just heading down to Spanish Fark to water some plants so you should probably give us an hour. And, uh, whatever kind of ice cream you want. At this point I'm asking Orchid "Do you think he's really serious?" She thinks he absolutely is. We discuss NCMO on the way down. She tells me she's taken part in her share, hence her first response is to say that it can be ok. But when she stops to think about it she knows that it has always hurt her in the end. So she's decided she's not going to do it any more. But she's fine with cuddling.
So, we make it back to the apartment a few minutes after Jarhead also arrives. We sit and chat for a moment and then we put a movie on. Batman Begins (I don't know if I'm going to be able to watch that movie again for a while). I still think that we're just watching a movie. He can't actually have been serious. Not with me. Not Jarhead. Imagine, then, my surprise when he pulls me over and puts his arm around me. Ummmm....ok. Uh. Well, ok, so clearly he is feeling the need for some kind of comfort and companionship. I guess I can cuddle with him for a movie. That's no big deal. But we don't stop there.
Orchid gets up and goes to the kitchen to get the ice cream or something and he wraps his other arm around me, pulls me in all close and KISSES ME ON THE CHEEK!!! WHA???? I kinda just burst out laughing nervously and said something like "Oh! Um...seriously?" and he's like "Yes. Does she know?" Oh. Wow. This is getting very uncomfortable for me very quickly. Um, just keep acting like its a joke? "Yeah, she knows." "So do I get to make out with her too?" ".....uh...heh....yeah. We discussed it. heh...heh..." Please please please let him be joking.
No. He is not joking. He moves me to the other side of the couch so that he can sit in the middle and cuddle with me on one side and Orchid on the other. I cannot bear the idea of him actually kissing me. On my mouth. I'm sorry, but my first kiss is NOT going to be like this! So I slide way down so that my head is sort of on his chest/in his lap. He puts his arm around me and periodically will stroke my arm or leg or whatever. All the while I can tell that he is also periodically going for Orchid, trying to kiss her. She stuck to her resolution not to randomly make out with random guys. But she seemed fine with everything else.
I was not. I lay there for about 3/4 of the movie until I realized that I was horribly uncomfortable and that I could change that and that I should change it. So I got up and went to the bathroom. Oh yeah. So halfway into the movie we were joined in all our awkward glory by Kandy, Fairy, and Tall RM Boy. They had no idea what was going on and just piled in to watch the movie with us. This did not stop Jarhead by the way, who continued to try and make out with Orchid. But they did make it sort of harder and yet easier to get up and leave. I went and used the bathroom and then when I came back I just sort of tucked myself into the corner of the couch.
After the movie he lingered for a few moments, and then said "well, should I walk you out to your car or something?" and he and Orchid left. I then proceeded to sit on the couch and be slowly overwhelmed with a growing horror at what I had just experienced. Every single way I thought about it made it worse. Who it was. What expectations had been had. Who had been involved. How many people had been involved. How it ended. How I had actually been a PART of it. The horror just grew and grew and grew and I started feeling nauseated and absolutely utterly wretched. Jarhead had showered at my brother's before he came so he smelled nicely of soap. But as I sat there, that soap smell lingered and each time I would catch the scent again it would just add to the nausea until I thought that if I smelled it again I actually was going to go and throw up...and just throw up and throw up.
I needed a distraction desperately. Just by fate, the Fella was online still. Very late for him to be up. But I imposed myself onto his evening to tell him about my horrible experience. It was kind of funny. I opened with "Um, can I ask you an odd/possibly awkward question?" "Uh, sure." "Have you ever been propositioned for NCMO?" (at this point I realized that this sounded like I was about to proposition HIM so I quickly added "because I was tonight") "What do you do with that?" He replied "I would probably just stare at them blankly. Or if I was in the wrong mood I'd say 'sure, let's do it' What happened?" So I told him who it was and he agreed that it was very weird. I told him what happened and how I was now freaking out. He said "I understand. I've more or less been in your same position. Just know that it is worse when you get the girl to kiss you." On the one hand I didn't want to know that he has engaged in such an activity. But on the other, he was nicely sympathetic. And then, when I told him I wanted a distraction he spent the next hour telling me all about this problem he was working on with his sensors and how he figured it out and what he was doing. Bless his heart. Finally, when he decided that he really needed to go to bed he told me I should as well. I said I was thinking of cleaning the apartment instead (it was 2 am at this point). He said "No, don't do that. Just go to sleep. I mean, you can do whatever you want to, but I think you should go to bed." So I finally went to bed. And ever since I keep thinking of that horrible experience and feeling wretched again. I know I didn't actually do anything really wrong. I mean, we didn't even actually kiss. But I feel like...I don't know...a whore of Babylon. I feel like I shouldn't have ever let anything happen at all. Why would I have gone with anything at all? *shudder* Well now I know that I am absolutely NOT the non-committal type!
And there you have my horrible experiences. Ugh! I need this weekend to be good. Hopefully I can hang out with the Fella a little and just chill. I sure could use it.