(no subject)
There are some days that I wake up, and I have no idea where I am, or how I got here. I don't think I recognize myself anymore. I go from looking like a huge cow to being so thin I mistake my own reflection for that of a little girl. But, even though I look like a cow right now, I miss looking like a little girl. I miss looking like how I feel. I hate this responsibility, I hate living on my own, I hate no having a family of my own anymore, I miss being taken care of. Maybe I try to control my eating because I have no control over anything else? But yet it hurts so bad because I fail at even controlling what I put into my body...If I did have control, then I wouldn't be so fat. I hate this. I hate life, sometimes. Sometimes all the drugs in the world can't make me happier. I wish I was a little girl again, but even then I wasn't happy. All my thoughts consisted of was getting A's, not eating, exercising, practicing sports, running track, working out, being perfect. I used to make lists of everything I wanted to be perfect at. A perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect girlfriend, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect body. I used to cry at night and exercise for hours after I had gotten home from track practice. No wonder I was so underweight then. I miss that. Even though I was a child, that was all I had to worry about. Making myself perfect. No real-world worries. No jobs, no taxes, no bills, no rent, no loans, no alcohol, no drugs, no sex, no failure.
I feel like such a failure.
I feel like such a failure.