(no subject)
Posted it to the group, but it does a much better job of describing what I'm feeling as compared to my stupidly-vague entry earlier lol:
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Okay, so I got this virus and ended up throwing up so violently for almost nine hours, got super dehydrated and was blacking out, went to the hospital, and now i'm back (and feel a THOUSAND times better) but I'm on a liquid diet. At first, I was like "oh, this is a great, a diet that I CAN'T cheat on) and I thought it'd be fine and easy but....I'm SOOO HUNGRY!!! it's awful...I don't remember last time I felt this hungry...but I only had about one can of soup so it looks like I'll have to deal. I hate getting sick, but figure it'd be a good way for myself to get back on track.
I'm still super fat, and I hate how my boyfriend is thinner than me. He always jokes around and says that he's prettier than me and calls me "fatty" but he only does it because he thinks I'm super thin and gorgeous...I know this, but it still kills me, because I really do feel like he's thinner than me...Gah...The numbers on the scale have been such a mess lately. In two and half weeks my weight has ranged from 129 to 139...(starting at 134) this is insane. Right now i'm at 130, but I guess I obviously haven't been doing good at all...Starting tomorrow, those numbers NEED to go down. I keep thinking about how i would probably be at my goal weight by now if i didn't keep binging. Well, here's to tomorrow. I hope everyone else is doing well. Good luck everyone, think thin! We can still do it!
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So....yeah, nothing new there. I'm a fatty. What I would GIVE to be thinner! It really shouldn't be that hard...Just STOP eating...but I'm so hungry...Right now I don't have an option, I'm out of liquids to eat/drink, and I normally LOVE the feeling of being hungry but now it's so awful I want to cry...I wish I had some money to buy something from the store...Matt gave me two dollars but what can I get with that? This is awful...I hate being poor and hungry when it's NOT by choice...but hopefully tomorrow I won't feel so fat? I mean, how can I, I've been sick aaaall day. God, this is so wierd. It started with me purging last night (since I was drinking) but this morning it was out of control...I was wondering if I was really sick or if something just went wrong with my brain, where it permamently got stuck on "purge-mode." Everytime I thought about myeslf, or something I did, or food, I got sick. I couldn't even keep two sips or water down, or a sip of coke. It was awful. I know I wanted to stop, mentally, I was in so much pain and was only throwing up bile for hours, but I wonder if somewhere, deep down and subconscious, if it was self-inflicted? It just scares me that I ended up needing hospitalization...I was so dehydrated that i was shaking and blacking out, they had to try four times to be able to take my blood and hook me up to an IV, all my viens were collapsing...would it be scary if I had done that to myself? Because I know each time my body was trying to force up what wasn't there, or each time they failed at being able to insert a needle into my veins, all i was thinking about was how worthless I am, how fat and ugly, how underserving of Matt and wondering how he can look at me, and as I thought those things I welcomed the pain and felt like i deserved it, and that i wished there was more pain. I think, deep down, I kind of wanted to die...
What is the matter with me? Some days I feel okay, and like life is wonderful and worth living (because after almost dying last summer I realized that it really is worth living), and sometimes I feel comfortable with myself, and my weight, and I don't count every single calorie, and I let myself eat a whole salad instead of a quarter or half, and I feel okay with that. Then, other days, I'm in so much emotional pain and so unhappy with everything, and resort to any kind of escape I can get my hands on...Yesterday for example, I started off this whole crazy ordeal with drinking an entire 1.5 liter bottle of wine during the course of a show I was acting in, after drinking two beers and taking dayquil. I wanted some other uppers, but dayquil was all I had, and my diet pills. After that, I kept going to drink a beer and two mixed drinks (after matt said he couldn't stand the smell of beer on my breath) and some champagne, smoking some cigarettes (used to benormal for me, but unusual now because every time i have one i start to cry thinking about what matt would do if he knew), getting more intimate with matt than we ever have when I was sober, then after me left making out with this chick I had just met, and kissing an old friend on the lips, and then went home and started making myself purge...that whole ordeal ended up with me in the hospital...it definitely sounds like something's wrong with me upstairs.
Sometimes I think I want help. It would be nice to be happy each day, and comfortable with myself. It'd be nice to not think about calories, hunger, food, how fat I am, and how thin I want to be. It'd be nice to not fall into drug abuse, which only happened because I'm too concerned about all the cals in beer which was the only thing to eventually end my alcohol dependency. But now I've fallen, deeply, into drugs. Which is the lesser of two evils? Both are unhealthy, and lifestyles that on top of my EDs, could eventually kill me. So it'd be nice to not be a substance abuser. It'd be nice to not keep secrets from Matt and everyone around me. It'd be nice to know who I am, and happy with that. It'd be nice to enjoy my college years. It'd be nice to be happy.
But, I feel like if I got help, while that might help end my compulsive over-eating, which might help me get thinner, i'm terrified i'll stop caring about my weight and get fat. And to me, right now, struggling to be thin is more important and a more desirable course of action than being happy being fat.
That reminds of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs, "Courage", by Superchick:
I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go
I guess I'll live it at that.
-----------------------------
Okay, so I got this virus and ended up throwing up so violently for almost nine hours, got super dehydrated and was blacking out, went to the hospital, and now i'm back (and feel a THOUSAND times better) but I'm on a liquid diet. At first, I was like "oh, this is a great, a diet that I CAN'T cheat on) and I thought it'd be fine and easy but....I'm SOOO HUNGRY!!! it's awful...I don't remember last time I felt this hungry...but I only had about one can of soup so it looks like I'll have to deal. I hate getting sick, but figure it'd be a good way for myself to get back on track.
I'm still super fat, and I hate how my boyfriend is thinner than me. He always jokes around and says that he's prettier than me and calls me "fatty" but he only does it because he thinks I'm super thin and gorgeous...I know this, but it still kills me, because I really do feel like he's thinner than me...Gah...The numbers on the scale have been such a mess lately. In two and half weeks my weight has ranged from 129 to 139...(starting at 134) this is insane. Right now i'm at 130, but I guess I obviously haven't been doing good at all...Starting tomorrow, those numbers NEED to go down. I keep thinking about how i would probably be at my goal weight by now if i didn't keep binging. Well, here's to tomorrow. I hope everyone else is doing well. Good luck everyone, think thin! We can still do it!
-----------------------------
So....yeah, nothing new there. I'm a fatty. What I would GIVE to be thinner! It really shouldn't be that hard...Just STOP eating...but I'm so hungry...Right now I don't have an option, I'm out of liquids to eat/drink, and I normally LOVE the feeling of being hungry but now it's so awful I want to cry...I wish I had some money to buy something from the store...Matt gave me two dollars but what can I get with that? This is awful...I hate being poor and hungry when it's NOT by choice...but hopefully tomorrow I won't feel so fat? I mean, how can I, I've been sick aaaall day. God, this is so wierd. It started with me purging last night (since I was drinking) but this morning it was out of control...I was wondering if I was really sick or if something just went wrong with my brain, where it permamently got stuck on "purge-mode." Everytime I thought about myeslf, or something I did, or food, I got sick. I couldn't even keep two sips or water down, or a sip of coke. It was awful. I know I wanted to stop, mentally, I was in so much pain and was only throwing up bile for hours, but I wonder if somewhere, deep down and subconscious, if it was self-inflicted? It just scares me that I ended up needing hospitalization...I was so dehydrated that i was shaking and blacking out, they had to try four times to be able to take my blood and hook me up to an IV, all my viens were collapsing...would it be scary if I had done that to myself? Because I know each time my body was trying to force up what wasn't there, or each time they failed at being able to insert a needle into my veins, all i was thinking about was how worthless I am, how fat and ugly, how underserving of Matt and wondering how he can look at me, and as I thought those things I welcomed the pain and felt like i deserved it, and that i wished there was more pain. I think, deep down, I kind of wanted to die...
What is the matter with me? Some days I feel okay, and like life is wonderful and worth living (because after almost dying last summer I realized that it really is worth living), and sometimes I feel comfortable with myself, and my weight, and I don't count every single calorie, and I let myself eat a whole salad instead of a quarter or half, and I feel okay with that. Then, other days, I'm in so much emotional pain and so unhappy with everything, and resort to any kind of escape I can get my hands on...Yesterday for example, I started off this whole crazy ordeal with drinking an entire 1.5 liter bottle of wine during the course of a show I was acting in, after drinking two beers and taking dayquil. I wanted some other uppers, but dayquil was all I had, and my diet pills. After that, I kept going to drink a beer and two mixed drinks (after matt said he couldn't stand the smell of beer on my breath) and some champagne, smoking some cigarettes (used to benormal for me, but unusual now because every time i have one i start to cry thinking about what matt would do if he knew), getting more intimate with matt than we ever have when I was sober, then after me left making out with this chick I had just met, and kissing an old friend on the lips, and then went home and started making myself purge...that whole ordeal ended up with me in the hospital...it definitely sounds like something's wrong with me upstairs.
Sometimes I think I want help. It would be nice to be happy each day, and comfortable with myself. It'd be nice to not think about calories, hunger, food, how fat I am, and how thin I want to be. It'd be nice to not fall into drug abuse, which only happened because I'm too concerned about all the cals in beer which was the only thing to eventually end my alcohol dependency. But now I've fallen, deeply, into drugs. Which is the lesser of two evils? Both are unhealthy, and lifestyles that on top of my EDs, could eventually kill me. So it'd be nice to not be a substance abuser. It'd be nice to not keep secrets from Matt and everyone around me. It'd be nice to know who I am, and happy with that. It'd be nice to enjoy my college years. It'd be nice to be happy.
But, I feel like if I got help, while that might help end my compulsive over-eating, which might help me get thinner, i'm terrified i'll stop caring about my weight and get fat. And to me, right now, struggling to be thin is more important and a more desirable course of action than being happy being fat.
That reminds of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs, "Courage", by Superchick:
I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go
I guess I'll live it at that.