i am unafraid.

[soloation]

That seems to be my anthem - and the most important thing to remember - in the last week or two.

I am unafraid.

I am lonely, and my heart hurts some days, but I am unafraid.  Whatever comes next can't be any worse than what I've seen lately.  I am not afraid to be alone, not afraid to sell my house, not afraid to sleep in a big bed by myself.

It may be the first time in my life I am ready to spend some time by myself.  And shame on me, for that.  For waiting so long.

I am not bitter, I am not angry, and I have no malice or ill will towards my husband.  None.  That tells me I'm ok, that I'm probably doing the right thing.  I feel at peace, and I feel like I know this is right - even though it's damn hard some days.

I worry some days that my lack of emotion is a cruel reminder of the way I used to be - abandon all risk and hide.  I hope that is not what I'm doing.  I feel some compassion and concern for my husband, but I don't feel as much of anything as I expected I would.  I may find in the coming months that my well-honed skills of self preservation may be rearing their heads, but I suppose that I will take that as it comes, and go from there.

I am just trying to take one day at a time and be thankful.