dealing with myself.
So, here's a start at sorting out these things I feel.
I have a lot of fears right now. I feel like that is the same as when I was younger - it's always fears!! For a while, I felt like I was conquering these feelings... I wasn't living in such fear and entaglement, such fear of failure, of mistakes, of loss, etc etc. I'm starting to realize that I will ALWAYS be living with those fears. The change will come in the way I DEAL with those fears. FINALLY, after all this time of self reflection (and dissection), I am starting to realize that I can handle this. My life, my decisions, my actions. As long as I make my path with a clear mind and a strong heart, there is little to fear - but moreso, there are few fears which I can't overcome. That is a great feeling. Talk about empowerment.
I spent a long, long time being absolutely paralyzed of being left. By my friends, partly, but mostly by my husband. I have been told I have abandonment issues. Maybe that's true... I don't know where it came from, if it is true. But I know how I react to being left. I flip out. Completely, irrationally, off the hook, flip out. Screaming, bawling, throwing myself on the floor. It's scary. It scares ME. But I can't continue to react that way. How am I finding my way out of it? I am working SO HARD at loving him, even if he leaves. I have talked and thought and processed and reasoned and I think, I think that I am starting to understand that the physical leaving isn't that big of a deal. I will love him even if he leaves. If he leaves, I have a lot of 'material' issues to take care of - bills, house, animals - but my heart isn't withering anymore at that prospect. I can love him even if he leaves, it is his decision, and it is acutely unhealthy for me to discourage him in that endeavor, should that be what he seeks. I don't have to release him, from my heart, until I'm ready. I guess this could be interepereted as a need for control. That's totally possible. My issues in the past have a lot of root in the control aspect. I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it more.
I am tired and I don't feel like I'm making a whole lot of sense. ; ) I have to get back into the 'swing' of this..... ha, ha. It's hard, but I think it's helping some.
Thanks..
I have a lot of fears right now. I feel like that is the same as when I was younger - it's always fears!! For a while, I felt like I was conquering these feelings... I wasn't living in such fear and entaglement, such fear of failure, of mistakes, of loss, etc etc. I'm starting to realize that I will ALWAYS be living with those fears. The change will come in the way I DEAL with those fears. FINALLY, after all this time of self reflection (and dissection), I am starting to realize that I can handle this. My life, my decisions, my actions. As long as I make my path with a clear mind and a strong heart, there is little to fear - but moreso, there are few fears which I can't overcome. That is a great feeling. Talk about empowerment.
I spent a long, long time being absolutely paralyzed of being left. By my friends, partly, but mostly by my husband. I have been told I have abandonment issues. Maybe that's true... I don't know where it came from, if it is true. But I know how I react to being left. I flip out. Completely, irrationally, off the hook, flip out. Screaming, bawling, throwing myself on the floor. It's scary. It scares ME. But I can't continue to react that way. How am I finding my way out of it? I am working SO HARD at loving him, even if he leaves. I have talked and thought and processed and reasoned and I think, I think that I am starting to understand that the physical leaving isn't that big of a deal. I will love him even if he leaves. If he leaves, I have a lot of 'material' issues to take care of - bills, house, animals - but my heart isn't withering anymore at that prospect. I can love him even if he leaves, it is his decision, and it is acutely unhealthy for me to discourage him in that endeavor, should that be what he seeks. I don't have to release him, from my heart, until I'm ready. I guess this could be interepereted as a need for control. That's totally possible. My issues in the past have a lot of root in the control aspect. I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it more.
I am tired and I don't feel like I'm making a whole lot of sense. ; ) I have to get back into the 'swing' of this..... ha, ha. It's hard, but I think it's helping some.
Thanks..