i just want to stay with you for a while.
it's funny -- for some reason, after a bad day or two, i feel like writing in this journal.. but literally just the process of starting the semagic program makes me start to cry. it's almost like it's too honest. i know once i open this up, i'm going to have to be for real. and sometimes, that's tough.
today was one of those days. i talked to tiffany in the morning.. i haven't been to the barn barely at all this month, so knew i was going to get hell for that. i don't mind paying her more money but listening to how awful of a horse owner i am was just too much to take. once i start crying, mind you, i can't stop for the rest of the fucking day. so in the middle of every delivery i called someone who i hoped could cheer me up, and i just ended up crying more. aaron must have thought i was losing it. but the decision that was (finally) (sort of) made was that i think i'm going to move solo to heritage, where kristen has kasey. kris offered to ride him for me all the time, which he needs.. so he'll get more attention. i think i'll probably be out there more then because she will be out there, but if i'm not, i know someone will be loving him. i kind of think it's just getting tough because i know i'm going to leave soon.. in a funny way, it's almost the michelle thing.. it's easier to see less of solo right now because then it will be easier for me to leave him. that sounds ridiculous unless you have a horse and you know what i mean. he's my everything, it's going to be so hard to leave him in the spring.
i was having a very hard time today because i can't help but feel like as soon as one part of my life gets back on track, another part flies off the rails. maybe i can blame that on too many different parts of my life, but it just is so frustrating. work is alright but the relationships are messed up. relationships are fixed but the horses fall apart. i feel like i can't handle everything at once, and i don't like that feeling.. i am the one who is always in control, i can always handle everything. so why does it seem so daunting all of a sudden?
all this stuff that went down with josie.. emily told leah's mom that she was too green.. emily, who doesn't know anything about my horse.. emily, who has never seen my horse, much less seen leah ride my horse. and emily, who never thinks she makes a mistake, doesn't think she is wrong. she thinks this is just fine. so i'm totally FUCKED. i wonder if emily also plans on compensating me the $1500 she lost me. it really isn't an issue of not wanting josie anymore.. i kind of would almost keep her, if i could. it's just the stress of knowing that until i sell her, my parents consider me a failure at this. and maybe i am.
i talked to abby's dad the other day about taking solo and i honestly couldn't be happier. this is working out so well.. at least something with the horses is.
i visit colorado on the 11th and i'm very excited. i am ready to be there, i really am. i'm nervous.. in a way, i still feel like i'm not really ready for college. but i'm so, so excited. what i'm even more excited about?? seeing michelle on the 14th. that will be the greatest thing EVER. seriously. vegas, michelle.. what more could i ask for?
i'm avoiding talking about this wonderful boy in my life because i guess i feel like i might jinx everything. i also am afraid i'm going to make this sound like everything else and it isn't. it is so much more + better and makes me so much happier than anything else. i have never felt so much like someone wanted to be around me. like someone is just happy that i'm there. it is quite possibly the greatest feeling in the whole entire world. i haven't laughed so often since michelle was home. and it isn't even legitimate laughing, it's the goofy laugh where one of us laughs over something stupid and the other one starts and then we're both just dying. i have to resist the urge to run into the building and absolutely attack him, i get so excited just to see him. i can't stop checking the time and watching for his car. that awkward time when he first gets there when i can't run up to him and hug him like i want to, but just catch his eye and smile. those times when he does get a chance to just touch me on the shoulder without anyone noticing. finding an excuse to stand nearer to him. hanging around until close. the way he plays his guitar and you can just tell how happy it makes him. feeling like someone wants me around.
i'm just kind of ridiculous about him, is all. he makes me a little bit giddy. it's the truth.
i am starting to realize how insecure being with frank made me.. i'm so sure that i'm a bother to him that i won't call, i wait for him to call... and if he doesn't i'm convinced he's sick of me. i really should let up on those insecurities. it would probably be a good idea to let go of some of them.
haha. as pathetic as this is, talking about him calmed me down a lot. i think i can sleep now.
'night.
today was one of those days. i talked to tiffany in the morning.. i haven't been to the barn barely at all this month, so knew i was going to get hell for that. i don't mind paying her more money but listening to how awful of a horse owner i am was just too much to take. once i start crying, mind you, i can't stop for the rest of the fucking day. so in the middle of every delivery i called someone who i hoped could cheer me up, and i just ended up crying more. aaron must have thought i was losing it. but the decision that was (finally) (sort of) made was that i think i'm going to move solo to heritage, where kristen has kasey. kris offered to ride him for me all the time, which he needs.. so he'll get more attention. i think i'll probably be out there more then because she will be out there, but if i'm not, i know someone will be loving him. i kind of think it's just getting tough because i know i'm going to leave soon.. in a funny way, it's almost the michelle thing.. it's easier to see less of solo right now because then it will be easier for me to leave him. that sounds ridiculous unless you have a horse and you know what i mean. he's my everything, it's going to be so hard to leave him in the spring.
i was having a very hard time today because i can't help but feel like as soon as one part of my life gets back on track, another part flies off the rails. maybe i can blame that on too many different parts of my life, but it just is so frustrating. work is alright but the relationships are messed up. relationships are fixed but the horses fall apart. i feel like i can't handle everything at once, and i don't like that feeling.. i am the one who is always in control, i can always handle everything. so why does it seem so daunting all of a sudden?
all this stuff that went down with josie.. emily told leah's mom that she was too green.. emily, who doesn't know anything about my horse.. emily, who has never seen my horse, much less seen leah ride my horse. and emily, who never thinks she makes a mistake, doesn't think she is wrong. she thinks this is just fine. so i'm totally FUCKED. i wonder if emily also plans on compensating me the $1500 she lost me. it really isn't an issue of not wanting josie anymore.. i kind of would almost keep her, if i could. it's just the stress of knowing that until i sell her, my parents consider me a failure at this. and maybe i am.
i talked to abby's dad the other day about taking solo and i honestly couldn't be happier. this is working out so well.. at least something with the horses is.
i visit colorado on the 11th and i'm very excited. i am ready to be there, i really am. i'm nervous.. in a way, i still feel like i'm not really ready for college. but i'm so, so excited. what i'm even more excited about?? seeing michelle on the 14th. that will be the greatest thing EVER. seriously. vegas, michelle.. what more could i ask for?
i'm avoiding talking about this wonderful boy in my life because i guess i feel like i might jinx everything. i also am afraid i'm going to make this sound like everything else and it isn't. it is so much more + better and makes me so much happier than anything else. i have never felt so much like someone wanted to be around me. like someone is just happy that i'm there. it is quite possibly the greatest feeling in the whole entire world. i haven't laughed so often since michelle was home. and it isn't even legitimate laughing, it's the goofy laugh where one of us laughs over something stupid and the other one starts and then we're both just dying. i have to resist the urge to run into the building and absolutely attack him, i get so excited just to see him. i can't stop checking the time and watching for his car. that awkward time when he first gets there when i can't run up to him and hug him like i want to, but just catch his eye and smile. those times when he does get a chance to just touch me on the shoulder without anyone noticing. finding an excuse to stand nearer to him. hanging around until close. the way he plays his guitar and you can just tell how happy it makes him. feeling like someone wants me around.
i'm just kind of ridiculous about him, is all. he makes me a little bit giddy. it's the truth.
i am starting to realize how insecure being with frank made me.. i'm so sure that i'm a bother to him that i won't call, i wait for him to call... and if he doesn't i'm convinced he's sick of me. i really should let up on those insecurities. it would probably be a good idea to let go of some of them.
haha. as pathetic as this is, talking about him calmed me down a lot. i think i can sleep now.
'night.