this is the truth.
it has been a strange, fitful two days. another one is about to start. i have done so much thinking and trying to figure stuff out the last 48 hours that i'm making myself sick. i don't know what inspires or jump starts these contemplation marathons, but i'm sick of it. i want to stop, but i can't.
i want to feel like i have a place. i want to feel a part of something, i want to belong. i want friends. i want a definition of who i am without sounding angry or bitter. all i am right now is a job.. that's it. i'm just a job. and a couple of horses. what is that.. what does that make me? i want something more than that, but i don't even really know what it is i actually want. companionship. i want to feel like someone again. i want to feel worthwhile and bold and i want to be ME so completely and unfailingly that everyone will recognize that. i want to be unique and i want to be noticeable. i don't want to fade anymore, i don't want to blend in. the need for something that i can't even define is driving me crazy, absolutely crazy. how do i find this? do i have to be all myself? i thought i was all myself.
i don't want to worry about how i look or what i say. i want to have enough confidance to believe in who i am and what i am doing. where do i find that, though? where do i go?
i feel so devoid of emotion, even as i am so emotional and frustrated and even angry, trying to put words to the hundreds of thoughts flying through my head. i sat with a razorblade in my hand for hours yesterday, trying to convince myself that feeling that won't make me feel. i know that, but it still is the logical avenue that i seek when i get to that point where i feel so blank, you couldn't even see me if you tried. i want to know things, i want to understand myself.. i want reasons and i want concrete understanding. i am so sick of ambiguity i could puke. i want definite.
i want to leave home but i don't. my mother ignores me now, since i ignore her, and my father's never even home. but they can't quite let me leave. i don't want to be dependant on this boy like i know i get sometimes, and i've done a damn good job of keeping myself from that. but don't you have to be dependant on someone? who am i supposed to depend on, now?
i want to be beautiful but i don't really care about beauty. i want to ride well but i really only want to have fun. i am an absolute contradiction to everything i desire - is that why i desire it so much?
i'm so sick of myself.
i want to feel like i have a place. i want to feel a part of something, i want to belong. i want friends. i want a definition of who i am without sounding angry or bitter. all i am right now is a job.. that's it. i'm just a job. and a couple of horses. what is that.. what does that make me? i want something more than that, but i don't even really know what it is i actually want. companionship. i want to feel like someone again. i want to feel worthwhile and bold and i want to be ME so completely and unfailingly that everyone will recognize that. i want to be unique and i want to be noticeable. i don't want to fade anymore, i don't want to blend in. the need for something that i can't even define is driving me crazy, absolutely crazy. how do i find this? do i have to be all myself? i thought i was all myself.
i don't want to worry about how i look or what i say. i want to have enough confidance to believe in who i am and what i am doing. where do i find that, though? where do i go?
i feel so devoid of emotion, even as i am so emotional and frustrated and even angry, trying to put words to the hundreds of thoughts flying through my head. i sat with a razorblade in my hand for hours yesterday, trying to convince myself that feeling that won't make me feel. i know that, but it still is the logical avenue that i seek when i get to that point where i feel so blank, you couldn't even see me if you tried. i want to know things, i want to understand myself.. i want reasons and i want concrete understanding. i am so sick of ambiguity i could puke. i want definite.
i want to leave home but i don't. my mother ignores me now, since i ignore her, and my father's never even home. but they can't quite let me leave. i don't want to be dependant on this boy like i know i get sometimes, and i've done a damn good job of keeping myself from that. but don't you have to be dependant on someone? who am i supposed to depend on, now?
i want to be beautiful but i don't really care about beauty. i want to ride well but i really only want to have fun. i am an absolute contradiction to everything i desire - is that why i desire it so much?
i'm so sick of myself.