lets play the honest game again.
I'm trying to sort out what's in my head at the moment. and it comes down to - I want out. I want things simple again. I want to be alone, and I want to be okay with being alone. I'm angry at him - for all the wrong reasons. and I want to be alone with that anger - I don't want to take it out on him, or anyone else. I simply want... to seep in this anger and drown in it before it hurts those I love. I feel repative, and annoyed, and tired.
I don't know what to say without letting down all the walls - letting go of the control I've carefully built to hold myself in. That's what has always been the easiest part of me - the spontaneous, infectious sense of desire. But I don't feel that... not in the same way I once did. I go through spurts of intense desire for him - but most of the time, I'm somewhere else. I'm annoyed, frustrated, confused, apathetic with the situation. What I said last weekend still holds true - I'm waiting for something that is impossible from him. So why do I even try? Because he says he doesn't want to say goodbye? is that enough of a reason - that because he feels something I'm supposed to wait until the solidifies? You're right. What I want isn't out there... but is it worth while wasting time on what is there if what I really want is something else?
I want commitment. Something that has the clear cut, simple boundaries of "I love you". because no matter what happens after that - there is this one grain of absolute. I'm not the kind of girl who is ok with loving someone without it being mutual. I'm selfish, and insecure, and I need to be loved. loved, cherished, desired. I want someone who has seen my darkest places, and still wants me. someone who can laugh at me - but make me feel like it's ok.
I love him. but i go through moment to moment changes... I love him - but I want to scream at him - I want to demand something... something irrational and inexplainable. ... something I'm not allowed to have. and suddenly, I'm angry - frustrated - and I'm sure I want out... sure that the best thing for everyone would be for me to walk away and never look back.
but I have to question... is that because I want him to follow? to force him to make some decision of his own? because if so - this whole thing is wrong, and I'm just being dramatic and pointless.
would I ever say goodbye without an outside reason?
I don't know what to say without letting down all the walls - letting go of the control I've carefully built to hold myself in. That's what has always been the easiest part of me - the spontaneous, infectious sense of desire. But I don't feel that... not in the same way I once did. I go through spurts of intense desire for him - but most of the time, I'm somewhere else. I'm annoyed, frustrated, confused, apathetic with the situation. What I said last weekend still holds true - I'm waiting for something that is impossible from him. So why do I even try? Because he says he doesn't want to say goodbye? is that enough of a reason - that because he feels something I'm supposed to wait until the solidifies? You're right. What I want isn't out there... but is it worth while wasting time on what is there if what I really want is something else?
I want commitment. Something that has the clear cut, simple boundaries of "I love you". because no matter what happens after that - there is this one grain of absolute. I'm not the kind of girl who is ok with loving someone without it being mutual. I'm selfish, and insecure, and I need to be loved. loved, cherished, desired. I want someone who has seen my darkest places, and still wants me. someone who can laugh at me - but make me feel like it's ok.
I love him. but i go through moment to moment changes... I love him - but I want to scream at him - I want to demand something... something irrational and inexplainable. ... something I'm not allowed to have. and suddenly, I'm angry - frustrated - and I'm sure I want out... sure that the best thing for everyone would be for me to walk away and never look back.
but I have to question... is that because I want him to follow? to force him to make some decision of his own? because if so - this whole thing is wrong, and I'm just being dramatic and pointless.
would I ever say goodbye without an outside reason?