(no subject)
I'm a little bit blurry at the moment. details of the last couple of weeks mold together until i look at it through the lens of food, and phone calls, and lack of sleep. where to begin? I feel so out of touch with those I consider (ed?) friends... the people who colored my life for so long - and suddenly I realize I haven't talked to most of them in months. I'm sorry - and to those who read this, I love you, and I'd love to talk, spend time, hear from you.
working backwards... Chris and I got back from CT last night around 9:30PM... he stayed the night, and left this morning at seven. I worked with AJ and Daniel this afternoon... two timeouts, running away, my elbow being slammed into a door, and various other problems... and I'm exhausted. Made a chocolate cake tonight and talked to Chris for an hour. I asked him last night why we're not dating - and he asked if it mattered... the issue is still trust. he won't let me in, and I keep expecting him to walk away (to which he replied that he's not going anywhere, at which point I pointed out that he said that once, and left me, ... etc) . unofficially we've been on and off together for the last nine months.
I loved seeing my family for the whole five minutes that I did (we drove 6 hours, spent 32 hours there, drove another 7 hours)... the first morning Pam (my hellish aunt) called, Chris picked up, she got really flustered and asked for me, saying it was my "cousin, my aunt, ... a relative". When I called her back - she demanded that I find my mother. By the time we got to the house she had left (and written an angry note to my mother *sigh*). I almost wish she could have met Chris in person... i feel like she might have fallen over from shock! (horrors, we're not even dating and we're sleeping in THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER... note, my mom got us a room with two full beds.) I got to go through my grandfather's papers... 20 patents later (some there, and some missing), a book on the national debt, letters to senators, presidents, and personal letters... an economic degree and various random stuff - suddenly I'm starting to get a picture of my grandfather. I just wish he was still alive so I could fill in the gaps.
he considered stopping to see dark... i quietly freaked out - and thank god we didn't stop. but every-time I got through NYC some part of me feels homesick. desperately unsure why I'm leaving a place I want so much. I've never lived there - so how can it feel like home to me?
my dad sent me down a tool kit - complete with my own power drill! of course I haven't used any of it - Chris did though *laughs*. Ian stopped by and they got to me "he's cool. I was kind of surprised when he walked in with the punk rock thing, the whole leather jacket, chain, and black boots. very reminiscent of high school for me" The first thing my dad asked me was if they got along (to which I answered yes).
All the trees are blossoming here. it's beautiful, and suddenly I think of the beginning of Anne of Green Gables, and how she describes the apple trees as looking like wedding dresses.
my life has gone through so many changes lately... i'm enjoying my job - I work as part time nannies to four families, and do computer help to a elderly man. I cook obsessively - and love to chop vegetables... something about it makes me feel calmer - I suspect I'm secretly imagining certain people's limbs instead of the carrots and green beans. My goal is to let go of some of this bitterness and anger that is directed at certain people... because I'm terrified of becoming so angry that I can't go back to caring about the world and being empathetic and kind. I miss that about myself. I'm dreaming (or having nightmares to be specific) about Eric on a pretty regular basis... but I don't know him any more - and he doesn't know me anymore - so regrets are pointless. Anyway, would I give up Chris and the last 8 months for a chance at something that seemed impossible at the time?
We had a lightening storm earlier while i was making a chocolate cake. it was beautiful - so alive and strong. Great gusts of wind, angry rumblings of thunder, and the shattering lightening strikes. I miss home and being on the cliff. Or perhaps I miss a specific memory of standing on the cliffs edge during a storm like this. Now I simply watch it, and see the shadows dance on my wall as the wind comes and goes.
I've got more to write, but for now, sleep calls.
working backwards... Chris and I got back from CT last night around 9:30PM... he stayed the night, and left this morning at seven. I worked with AJ and Daniel this afternoon... two timeouts, running away, my elbow being slammed into a door, and various other problems... and I'm exhausted. Made a chocolate cake tonight and talked to Chris for an hour. I asked him last night why we're not dating - and he asked if it mattered... the issue is still trust. he won't let me in, and I keep expecting him to walk away (to which he replied that he's not going anywhere, at which point I pointed out that he said that once, and left me, ... etc) . unofficially we've been on and off together for the last nine months.
I loved seeing my family for the whole five minutes that I did (we drove 6 hours, spent 32 hours there, drove another 7 hours)... the first morning Pam (my hellish aunt) called, Chris picked up, she got really flustered and asked for me, saying it was my "cousin, my aunt, ... a relative". When I called her back - she demanded that I find my mother. By the time we got to the house she had left (and written an angry note to my mother *sigh*). I almost wish she could have met Chris in person... i feel like she might have fallen over from shock! (horrors, we're not even dating and we're sleeping in THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER... note, my mom got us a room with two full beds.) I got to go through my grandfather's papers... 20 patents later (some there, and some missing), a book on the national debt, letters to senators, presidents, and personal letters... an economic degree and various random stuff - suddenly I'm starting to get a picture of my grandfather. I just wish he was still alive so I could fill in the gaps.
he considered stopping to see dark... i quietly freaked out - and thank god we didn't stop. but every-time I got through NYC some part of me feels homesick. desperately unsure why I'm leaving a place I want so much. I've never lived there - so how can it feel like home to me?
my dad sent me down a tool kit - complete with my own power drill! of course I haven't used any of it - Chris did though *laughs*. Ian stopped by and they got to me "he's cool. I was kind of surprised when he walked in with the punk rock thing, the whole leather jacket, chain, and black boots. very reminiscent of high school for me" The first thing my dad asked me was if they got along (to which I answered yes).
All the trees are blossoming here. it's beautiful, and suddenly I think of the beginning of Anne of Green Gables, and how she describes the apple trees as looking like wedding dresses.
my life has gone through so many changes lately... i'm enjoying my job - I work as part time nannies to four families, and do computer help to a elderly man. I cook obsessively - and love to chop vegetables... something about it makes me feel calmer - I suspect I'm secretly imagining certain people's limbs instead of the carrots and green beans. My goal is to let go of some of this bitterness and anger that is directed at certain people... because I'm terrified of becoming so angry that I can't go back to caring about the world and being empathetic and kind. I miss that about myself. I'm dreaming (or having nightmares to be specific) about Eric on a pretty regular basis... but I don't know him any more - and he doesn't know me anymore - so regrets are pointless. Anyway, would I give up Chris and the last 8 months for a chance at something that seemed impossible at the time?
We had a lightening storm earlier while i was making a chocolate cake. it was beautiful - so alive and strong. Great gusts of wind, angry rumblings of thunder, and the shattering lightening strikes. I miss home and being on the cliff. Or perhaps I miss a specific memory of standing on the cliffs edge during a storm like this. Now I simply watch it, and see the shadows dance on my wall as the wind comes and goes.
I've got more to write, but for now, sleep calls.