a) you're vegan? b) there's a discrepancy in the tone. it starts off very, i have no other way to describe this, but with a "hippie" tone. You are so in the Zen. And then all of a sudden we have all caps and yelling. and it really throws you off guard. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing... c) it has continuity, it ends where it begins; 5 points. d) SAT words : check. e) the first sentence isn't a great grabber. I'm assuming there's a word limit, so you don't have much space to work with, but a short story about how you wanted to mow the lawn when you were little, or an anecdote, something of that nature, would make a better grabber. f) this sentence : It would have to deal with our true foundations…our earth and all of its inhabitants the ... should be a : or a ;. (same for the sentence after that. The three dots (there's a technical term for them, i'm sure of it) look weird in the middle of a paragraph.) g) "A lot of us" informal. Try changing to "Many individuals" h) fed remnants of his same specie and made ready to die because of the driving force of money... *species, and the three dots should be a period, and before "if a/the target is born". if you change 'made ready to die" to slaughtered, it will show a stronger emotion (which is more consistent witht he previous paragraph). i) since change is spurred by one individual at a time, you should mention how you've started with the man in the mirror. What have you done to benefit this cause?
Other than that, it's really good, I have to say I was impressed. Nice job.
b) there's a discrepancy in the tone. it starts off very, i have no other way to describe this, but with a "hippie" tone. You are so in the Zen. And then all of a sudden we have all caps and yelling. and it really throws you off guard. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing...
c) it has continuity, it ends where it begins; 5 points.
d) SAT words : check.
e) the first sentence isn't a great grabber. I'm assuming there's a word limit, so you don't have much space to work with, but a short story about how you wanted to mow the lawn when you were little, or an anecdote, something of that nature, would make a better grabber.
f) this sentence : It would have to deal with our true foundations…our earth and all of its inhabitants the ... should be a : or a ;. (same for the sentence after that. The three dots (there's a technical term for them, i'm sure of it) look weird in the middle of a paragraph.)
g) "A lot of us" informal. Try changing to "Many individuals"
h) fed remnants of his same specie and made ready to die because of the driving force of money... *species, and the three dots should be a period, and before "if a/the target is born". if you change 'made ready to die" to slaughtered, it will show a stronger emotion (which is more consistent witht he previous paragraph).
i) since change is spurred by one individual at a time, you should mention how you've started with the man in the mirror. What have you done to benefit this cause?
Other than that, it's really good, I have to say I was impressed. Nice job.
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