i threw you the obvious
I have a stunning head-ache. I feel like an army of ants are tapping out morse-code in my brain cells. It isn't as bad as last night, but it is still pretty bad. I made the foolish mistake of going to Chris' band practice last night despite the head-ache. Every rif accentauted the pain, every drum beat was excruciating. I could have asked Chris to drive me home, but I promised that I was well enough to go before we left. I didn't really want to spend another evening at home, alone.
In terms of my: 'get healthy for summer' plan, I am doing okay. I'm drinking heaps and heaps of water. Rather than my usual diet coke/coffee regime I am getting in at least a couple of litres a day. My skin looks a LOT better. Not only has it cleared up a little, but it seems plumper - less papery. I have only been exercising on alternate days because I have discovered that I am UNFIT. Damn this winter of little physical activity! I didn't gain any weight, but I lost a whole lot of fitness. I went out for a run yesterday and it nearly killed me. I'm going to go out again tomorrow. I hate feeling as if the slightest breath could blow me over. I am improving though, even the exercise I have been doing this week seems to be working. Thanks to Carmen Electra and a good 6 hour cleaning stint I have firmer thighs - I can actually feel the difference: good stuff!
My moods are pretty low at the moment. I try to seem up-beat and happy and everything, but I am obviously depressed. I slept twelve hours last night and would have been happy to sleep away the day as well. I feel really isolated (still), I don't have any friends or good influences around me. I have Chris and his drug-fucked buddies and I have a bunch of EDed girls online. I don't even know where to start making friends. I am considering doing some voluntary work; I wouldn't mind helping at EDSA (Eating Disorders Association), they helped my parents out A LOT when I was really sick. I would also like to work with animals or young children, but I don't know where to get started with stuff like that. I also don't want to commit to anything before I have finished my Uni work for the semester - I don't want to have to back out or let people down. I also wouldn't mind doing a course or something, but I just don't know what to do. This is how I KNOW I am depressed - I am completely disinterested in everything. Surely I used to have passions? I used to have feelings about things. I used to have interests. What has happened to me? Where is the girl that I was? I used to have promise, but now all I have is the wreckage.
How do I get myself out of this hole?
On a brighter note, I saw some of the photos that Chris and modelled for ages ago. They are beautiful - really beautiful. I'll post them up here when I get my copies.
I have also decided to give my online diaries a miss for a while. Some of my favourites and friends are struggling. It isn't that I don't care, I guess I care too much. Watching smart young women deteriorate before my eyes probably isn't helping anything. I know for a fact that it isn't encouraging me to be healthy. As I mentioned, I need some positive influences in my life and as much as it hurts me to leave, I have to do it. I'm not abandonning anyone and will probably update regularly. If people need me: apology_unacceptable@hotmail.com email or msn.
In terms of my: 'get healthy for summer' plan, I am doing okay. I'm drinking heaps and heaps of water. Rather than my usual diet coke/coffee regime I am getting in at least a couple of litres a day. My skin looks a LOT better. Not only has it cleared up a little, but it seems plumper - less papery. I have only been exercising on alternate days because I have discovered that I am UNFIT. Damn this winter of little physical activity! I didn't gain any weight, but I lost a whole lot of fitness. I went out for a run yesterday and it nearly killed me. I'm going to go out again tomorrow. I hate feeling as if the slightest breath could blow me over. I am improving though, even the exercise I have been doing this week seems to be working. Thanks to Carmen Electra and a good 6 hour cleaning stint I have firmer thighs - I can actually feel the difference: good stuff!
My moods are pretty low at the moment. I try to seem up-beat and happy and everything, but I am obviously depressed. I slept twelve hours last night and would have been happy to sleep away the day as well. I feel really isolated (still), I don't have any friends or good influences around me. I have Chris and his drug-fucked buddies and I have a bunch of EDed girls online. I don't even know where to start making friends. I am considering doing some voluntary work; I wouldn't mind helping at EDSA (Eating Disorders Association), they helped my parents out A LOT when I was really sick. I would also like to work with animals or young children, but I don't know where to get started with stuff like that. I also don't want to commit to anything before I have finished my Uni work for the semester - I don't want to have to back out or let people down. I also wouldn't mind doing a course or something, but I just don't know what to do. This is how I KNOW I am depressed - I am completely disinterested in everything. Surely I used to have passions? I used to have feelings about things. I used to have interests. What has happened to me? Where is the girl that I was? I used to have promise, but now all I have is the wreckage.
How do I get myself out of this hole?
On a brighter note, I saw some of the photos that Chris and modelled for ages ago. They are beautiful - really beautiful. I'll post them up here when I get my copies.
I have also decided to give my online diaries a miss for a while. Some of my favourites and friends are struggling. It isn't that I don't care, I guess I care too much. Watching smart young women deteriorate before my eyes probably isn't helping anything. I know for a fact that it isn't encouraging me to be healthy. As I mentioned, I need some positive influences in my life and as much as it hurts me to leave, I have to do it. I'm not abandonning anyone and will probably update regularly. If people need me: apology_unacceptable@hotmail.com email or msn.