So this got weird. What started out as mindless reflections turn attempted Song Lyrics.
Is a kiss with a fist really better than none?
As I settle into my seat I still can't get over the shakes, the adrenaline, the calm panic that flows within my veins. From the panics of drama... nostalgia but also a feeling of annoyance, because I know it's so immature.
But dealing with this is part of life. Shame I never really learned a good way.
I can't sleep, the airplane seat is about as comfortable as being jammed into a crazy straw. And yet I turn side to side trying to find an okay position to rest.... eventually i drift in and out of sleep, always awaking to the same pain. Not physical... well yes physical, my neck is killing me.
But my thoughts will continually drift to her. Days later, weeks, even, I will still remember. And still I am in shock.
Should I have expected it? Should I have done something differently? No. I stand by what I've done and where i've gone. Efforts made, disappointments taken. Damage dealt, received *emotionally...*
I look about the plane. Young people on their own, traveling home? Couples with and without kids, older folks. Everyone has a story, everyone has a destination. But more and more I feel like the traveler. There's no one constant in my life. Well few. No one as constant as I would like. No place to call home, or my own.
Where do I belong?
Do I base it on who cares about me? Do i base it on where I want to be? What if I don't know where I want to be, or who i want to be, or why i want to be?
Do I base it on people i trusted? People who turn out to be terrible investments of time, tremendous bringers of anguish i didn't need. One more log on the fire I need to pass through.
I don't know where to go. I don't know what or who to trust, I don't even know myself that well. Yet I try go on each day figuring things out.
Fast forward. In the hotel room, alone, away from anyone or anything i know. Making it on my own... making it up as i go along. Terrible headache, and all I want to do is be free from this cage. Please let me escape this fog, please let me feel better. Oh god, if there's a god, why does this place seem to be so frequently visited by me? This lonely fog, isolation, this entrapment from myself.
There is no return to how things were. There is only the hope that moving forward will lead to brighter days. Newer opportunities, bigger and better things, an improvement over the old, but a lasting scar like a trophy on the wall.
Have you learned your lesson yet?
What good I once thought of you is gone.
Your faults cloud my mind and strangle my heart
I'm dying to die and escape this stranglehold
of knowing you never cared.
Shut your mouth
Don't tell me i'm a child
That i need to grow up
Take a look in the mirror
Point the finger where it belongs
Before you say another word
Take a long look
Don't speak
Just look
Tell me that you're sorry
Tell me that you take it all back
and you never meant to tear me apart
not one single thing you've done
can prove you ever cared
Don't tell me to calm down
that I'm being unreasonable
Take a look in the mirror
Drop your ego and know the truth
before you believe another lie
Take a long look
See the lie you make yourself
Don't speak
Just look
and see
and know
And when you see past the illusion
when the smoke blows past
will you accept what you find
or just create another lie?
Walk across the lawn for greetings
Paint your photo of love and care
Feel the pity that i'm so far below
wonder why I don't stop to say hello
This is how it is.
When you can't treat me like another person, an equal in difference,
build up your defenses and raise yourself up
destroy any chance at diplomacy
turn your back on compromise
then don't be surprised when I move on.
Take some responsibility. You aren't perfect. No one is.
But if you don't admit wrong, you won't change.
Stuck in your own double helix.
Doomed to suffer the same losses as before.
I wish I could save you.
Break down the wall in front of you you pretend isn't there.
But you don't wanna see it.
You don't wanna move on, you think you're fine.
Well news flash
you're not.
And without people who aren't afraid to tell you the truth
for your own good and your growth
where will you end up?
I'm out of here.
I forgave your flaws.
I gave you a free pass.
And you spat in my face
You gave me the same shit you always did
And I have more self-respect than your average whore.
Going with you is going nowhere.
I wanna be somewhere.
I won't take your shit no more
I won't be belittled by your ego again
I made my choice
while I still can.
I'm gone.
I won't try again;
Stabbing myself in the heart generally isn't a hobby of mine.
As I settle into my seat I still can't get over the shakes, the adrenaline, the calm panic that flows within my veins. From the panics of drama... nostalgia but also a feeling of annoyance, because I know it's so immature.
But dealing with this is part of life. Shame I never really learned a good way.
I can't sleep, the airplane seat is about as comfortable as being jammed into a crazy straw. And yet I turn side to side trying to find an okay position to rest.... eventually i drift in and out of sleep, always awaking to the same pain. Not physical... well yes physical, my neck is killing me.
But my thoughts will continually drift to her. Days later, weeks, even, I will still remember. And still I am in shock.
Should I have expected it? Should I have done something differently? No. I stand by what I've done and where i've gone. Efforts made, disappointments taken. Damage dealt, received *emotionally...*
I look about the plane. Young people on their own, traveling home? Couples with and without kids, older folks. Everyone has a story, everyone has a destination. But more and more I feel like the traveler. There's no one constant in my life. Well few. No one as constant as I would like. No place to call home, or my own.
Where do I belong?
Do I base it on who cares about me? Do i base it on where I want to be? What if I don't know where I want to be, or who i want to be, or why i want to be?
Do I base it on people i trusted? People who turn out to be terrible investments of time, tremendous bringers of anguish i didn't need. One more log on the fire I need to pass through.
I don't know where to go. I don't know what or who to trust, I don't even know myself that well. Yet I try go on each day figuring things out.
Fast forward. In the hotel room, alone, away from anyone or anything i know. Making it on my own... making it up as i go along. Terrible headache, and all I want to do is be free from this cage. Please let me escape this fog, please let me feel better. Oh god, if there's a god, why does this place seem to be so frequently visited by me? This lonely fog, isolation, this entrapment from myself.
There is no return to how things were. There is only the hope that moving forward will lead to brighter days. Newer opportunities, bigger and better things, an improvement over the old, but a lasting scar like a trophy on the wall.
Have you learned your lesson yet?
What good I once thought of you is gone.
Your faults cloud my mind and strangle my heart
I'm dying to die and escape this stranglehold
of knowing you never cared.
Shut your mouth
Don't tell me i'm a child
That i need to grow up
Take a look in the mirror
Point the finger where it belongs
Before you say another word
Take a long look
Don't speak
Just look
Tell me that you're sorry
Tell me that you take it all back
and you never meant to tear me apart
not one single thing you've done
can prove you ever cared
Don't tell me to calm down
that I'm being unreasonable
Take a look in the mirror
Drop your ego and know the truth
before you believe another lie
Take a long look
See the lie you make yourself
Don't speak
Just look
and see
and know
And when you see past the illusion
when the smoke blows past
will you accept what you find
or just create another lie?
Walk across the lawn for greetings
Paint your photo of love and care
Feel the pity that i'm so far below
wonder why I don't stop to say hello
This is how it is.
When you can't treat me like another person, an equal in difference,
build up your defenses and raise yourself up
destroy any chance at diplomacy
turn your back on compromise
then don't be surprised when I move on.
Take some responsibility. You aren't perfect. No one is.
But if you don't admit wrong, you won't change.
Stuck in your own double helix.
Doomed to suffer the same losses as before.
I wish I could save you.
Break down the wall in front of you you pretend isn't there.
But you don't wanna see it.
You don't wanna move on, you think you're fine.
Well news flash
you're not.
And without people who aren't afraid to tell you the truth
for your own good and your growth
where will you end up?
I'm out of here.
I forgave your flaws.
I gave you a free pass.
And you spat in my face
You gave me the same shit you always did
And I have more self-respect than your average whore.
Going with you is going nowhere.
I wanna be somewhere.
I won't take your shit no more
I won't be belittled by your ego again
I made my choice
while I still can.
I'm gone.
I won't try again;
Stabbing myself in the heart generally isn't a hobby of mine.