I still can dream.
I seriously have to wonder if I even have the emotional capacity to maintain friendships for any extended amount of time. Since '97 or so, there hasn't been a constant presence in my life besides my dad and brother. With very few exceptions, everyone I knew or became attached to at some point has gone. Therapists, friends, neighbors, teachers, classmates... They may be there for a while but inevitably I return to being alone. I don't know why this is. I care for everyone close to me deeply, but it's.. not superficial so much as weak, perhaps? Like, I don't want to drift apart from my friends, yet I expect it to happen and just allow it? We slowly stop talking, have no more common interests, nothing but a brief past together... Is a couple years brief..? I don't want to see them hurt, but it ends up feeling like there's nothing there anymore. I don't know what to do when that happens. I can't give them the support they need and at the same time, I require too much.
What should I have done? What should I do when that happens? It's painful to see we've become so detached when we were once close and always talking. Maybe I just drop everything when I can't handle it. I don't know. I've never been good at initiating conversations or maintaining friendships. So I guess it's my own fault for ending up alone. If I don't spend a fairly regular amount of time talking or doing things with my friends, I quickly end up feeling that we're back to square one. But.. even if we drift apart for a while, go our own ways, can't we be friends again at some point? Is it really a one-time opportunity? Do good things come to an end and stay that like that? Is there no way to get back some semblance of before? I don't know.
...yeah, I'm feeling isolated again. Can't things go back to the way they were last year..? I'm tired of losing people...
What should I have done? What should I do when that happens? It's painful to see we've become so detached when we were once close and always talking. Maybe I just drop everything when I can't handle it. I don't know. I've never been good at initiating conversations or maintaining friendships. So I guess it's my own fault for ending up alone. If I don't spend a fairly regular amount of time talking or doing things with my friends, I quickly end up feeling that we're back to square one. But.. even if we drift apart for a while, go our own ways, can't we be friends again at some point? Is it really a one-time opportunity? Do good things come to an end and stay that like that? Is there no way to get back some semblance of before? I don't know.
...yeah, I'm feeling isolated again. Can't things go back to the way they were last year..? I'm tired of losing people...