Screw Names
Screw names. I'm going to mention them all I want and if someone doesn't like it tough. They can be childish and be mad at me, I don't care at this point. So, I can't sleep. I'm always the last to know everything. And when I say evrything I literally mean it. Even the things I should know before anyone else, I know them last. This is an extremely long and somewhat confusing story, at least to me. But as you know it will help to just get it all out there. So I can actually go to sleep. I'm going to sort of go backwards yet forward so bare with me, or stop right here.
So tonight I was going through one of my dressers to find some paperwork. One dresser has clothes the other is my mothers, she still hasn't taken it to her new place, and she moved there 4 months ago. I came across this crappy box that I had kept because it had a gift in it that John bought me for my birthday a few years ago. Inside that box, I keep alot of sentimental things. Letters John wrote me while he was in basic, newspaper clippings from mary's passing, two candle sticks, wedding photographs. Just stuff like that. I decided to randomly take out 3 letters that John had written me. I read each of them. Beautiful letters. All of them didn't turn out the way they explained or the way we had planned, but thats life. The only thing certain is death. It made me think. Not about death, but about every crazy thing that has been said to me in this past month. Every insane idea. Just all of it. I had forgotten about it for a few weeks now because I have been really busy. I wish I could have forgotten forever. So what is all this crazy stuff I'm talking about?
Well it all started a few weeks ago. I was talking to Eric online, and he was asking me questions, like am I seeing someone, or have I seen anyone, since John and I. I told him no. I'm not exactly sure how what he said next came about but it did, and I wish it hadn't. He told me that John still loved me and wanted me back. I said that would never happen, and he in turn said he was joking anyway. But when I first read what he said, my heart was pounding so fast it skipped beats, my body temp rose up like 100 degrees, my hands shook, and my stomach got queasy. Yep thats deffinately love. And although I said it would never happen, I don't think I meant it, I know I didn't mean it.
Since that was just some joke at my hearts expense, I put it aside and forgot about it. That is until about a week later when James had mentioned the same thing to me. I had talked to John about him living with me for a while (as friends) so he could get to know Austin and so on. Well when James heard about it, he asked me if John was still going to move in and I said I didn't think so. (John and I where talking online at the same time, and we decided it might confuse Austin when John moved out, at the same time John was saying he wanted to be a real father to Austin and not a weekend one)When I told James this he replied by saying that maybe John doesn't want to just be in Austin's life, but in mine too. I insisted James was making this up, thinking that him and Eric had talked about this and decided to make it one big joke. Well turns out James wasn't lying.
I flat out asked John what was going on. He in turn told me that he thinks he MIGHT have made a mistake by leaving me. But is not sure. So, currenlty we are going to see what happens when he gets home, and if something does it does, and if it doesn't it doesn't. We will be where we are right now. No big deal right? WRONG.I got my hopes up. I've talked to John a few times since then (he is now in GA) and he's having the time of his life, partying and what not, and everytime we talk, he brings up getting the divorce. So, I think he was just confused because he was still in Iraq, when he talked to me about all of this. Yet he still says on the phone that we love each other. I don't get it. When and if, most likely when, it doesn't work out between us, I'm going to be heart broken all over again.
Not to mention that Jess (John's sister) told me the other day that John has been telling her for six months now that he still loves me. See what I mean, the last to know. Always. I miss my best friend. I miss going to bed with him and having him there when I wake up. I miss him whiping my tears when I cry, and how he left his clothes all over the house. I just needed to get all this out, his indecisiveness in opening old wounds. It's aweful. I suppose I can't get too emotional about it (which im not because It's not like I've cried over it or anything, it just stings a little)because we are not together right now, it's just a thought, a possibility. So he can do what he wants, and I can do what I want. It's just what if I want is for him to want me, to love me, to choose me. Over partying and being crazy. Choose his family. Is that so wrong? I don't even know anymore.
I'm just writing this to get it out there. So I can sleep, and so I can let it go. and if something happens it does, and if it doesn't it doesn't.
So tonight I was going through one of my dressers to find some paperwork. One dresser has clothes the other is my mothers, she still hasn't taken it to her new place, and she moved there 4 months ago. I came across this crappy box that I had kept because it had a gift in it that John bought me for my birthday a few years ago. Inside that box, I keep alot of sentimental things. Letters John wrote me while he was in basic, newspaper clippings from mary's passing, two candle sticks, wedding photographs. Just stuff like that. I decided to randomly take out 3 letters that John had written me. I read each of them. Beautiful letters. All of them didn't turn out the way they explained or the way we had planned, but thats life. The only thing certain is death. It made me think. Not about death, but about every crazy thing that has been said to me in this past month. Every insane idea. Just all of it. I had forgotten about it for a few weeks now because I have been really busy. I wish I could have forgotten forever. So what is all this crazy stuff I'm talking about?
Well it all started a few weeks ago. I was talking to Eric online, and he was asking me questions, like am I seeing someone, or have I seen anyone, since John and I. I told him no. I'm not exactly sure how what he said next came about but it did, and I wish it hadn't. He told me that John still loved me and wanted me back. I said that would never happen, and he in turn said he was joking anyway. But when I first read what he said, my heart was pounding so fast it skipped beats, my body temp rose up like 100 degrees, my hands shook, and my stomach got queasy. Yep thats deffinately love. And although I said it would never happen, I don't think I meant it, I know I didn't mean it.
Since that was just some joke at my hearts expense, I put it aside and forgot about it. That is until about a week later when James had mentioned the same thing to me. I had talked to John about him living with me for a while (as friends) so he could get to know Austin and so on. Well when James heard about it, he asked me if John was still going to move in and I said I didn't think so. (John and I where talking online at the same time, and we decided it might confuse Austin when John moved out, at the same time John was saying he wanted to be a real father to Austin and not a weekend one)When I told James this he replied by saying that maybe John doesn't want to just be in Austin's life, but in mine too. I insisted James was making this up, thinking that him and Eric had talked about this and decided to make it one big joke. Well turns out James wasn't lying.
I flat out asked John what was going on. He in turn told me that he thinks he MIGHT have made a mistake by leaving me. But is not sure. So, currenlty we are going to see what happens when he gets home, and if something does it does, and if it doesn't it doesn't. We will be where we are right now. No big deal right? WRONG.I got my hopes up. I've talked to John a few times since then (he is now in GA) and he's having the time of his life, partying and what not, and everytime we talk, he brings up getting the divorce. So, I think he was just confused because he was still in Iraq, when he talked to me about all of this. Yet he still says on the phone that we love each other. I don't get it. When and if, most likely when, it doesn't work out between us, I'm going to be heart broken all over again.
Not to mention that Jess (John's sister) told me the other day that John has been telling her for six months now that he still loves me. See what I mean, the last to know. Always. I miss my best friend. I miss going to bed with him and having him there when I wake up. I miss him whiping my tears when I cry, and how he left his clothes all over the house. I just needed to get all this out, his indecisiveness in opening old wounds. It's aweful. I suppose I can't get too emotional about it (which im not because It's not like I've cried over it or anything, it just stings a little)because we are not together right now, it's just a thought, a possibility. So he can do what he wants, and I can do what I want. It's just what if I want is for him to want me, to love me, to choose me. Over partying and being crazy. Choose his family. Is that so wrong? I don't even know anymore.
I'm just writing this to get it out there. So I can sleep, and so I can let it go. and if something happens it does, and if it doesn't it doesn't.