(no subject)
I think for the first time since the whole thing came up that I know what the answer will be. I do not want it to be so but I think it will be. What is the point of meeting people and living when you make a mistake that to you seems so little but to the one that matters it is the worst thing that could have ever happened? I really do not want to keep going on. How did I not know? How could I have screwed up the one thing that really really really made me happy inside and out? Why did I screw it up? I have lost that everything. I am not exaggerating, I am not being melodramatic, I am not making up a story to gain sympathy. If anything I am sure you think I should forget about it. Sure. Of course I will. I will let the last year of my life become a figment of my imagination or even act as if it never happened. I mean the person you spent all or most of your time with means nothing. We spent anywhere from 2-6 days a week in the others presence. For the most part we only talked to one another. We knew how the other felt when we were together or apart.
He asked me once what it was like knowing that I was pretty. I did not have an answer. Now I can answer. Looks do not matter. All that matters is that one feels good about themselves or has at least one person that truly knows them and expects nothing in return but is free to give. When you have that one person that you know will always stick by your side no matter what then someone is truly pretty inside and out and blessed. Otherwise you are ugly and that is me. I am the ugliest person. I have managed to betray the one person I have ever allowed myself to become the closest to.
I can apologize all I want but it means nothing. It will not penetrate. I did what I did and the past cannot be changed.
She can stay around, continue to see him, and remain cordial to him and him to her... I on the other hand have lost. I lost everything. He wants me dead. He wants me to think of him as being dead. I can only wish that I were dead. A dead corpse feels nothing, has no emotions, and does not know remorse, lost, hurt, or pain. A corpse hurts no one and betrays none. A corpse is what it is- we, on the other hand, are not.
Babyface has a few songs that can only express what I try to:
Sorry For the Stupid Things
When Can I See You Again
The Loneliness
Perhaps the only one that knows me will one day in the future be able to forgive and accept me for who I am: mistakes and all. I did not think I was a bad person but in life I am constantly challenged and I guess I thought wrong somewhere. I dream of talking to him again like we used to. I need that one someone again. I need the pain to cease. I hate reality. I wish I never
He asked me once what it was like knowing that I was pretty. I did not have an answer. Now I can answer. Looks do not matter. All that matters is that one feels good about themselves or has at least one person that truly knows them and expects nothing in return but is free to give. When you have that one person that you know will always stick by your side no matter what then someone is truly pretty inside and out and blessed. Otherwise you are ugly and that is me. I am the ugliest person. I have managed to betray the one person I have ever allowed myself to become the closest to.
I can apologize all I want but it means nothing. It will not penetrate. I did what I did and the past cannot be changed.
She can stay around, continue to see him, and remain cordial to him and him to her... I on the other hand have lost. I lost everything. He wants me dead. He wants me to think of him as being dead. I can only wish that I were dead. A dead corpse feels nothing, has no emotions, and does not know remorse, lost, hurt, or pain. A corpse hurts no one and betrays none. A corpse is what it is- we, on the other hand, are not.
Babyface has a few songs that can only express what I try to:
Sorry For the Stupid Things
When Can I See You Again
The Loneliness
Perhaps the only one that knows me will one day in the future be able to forgive and accept me for who I am: mistakes and all. I did not think I was a bad person but in life I am constantly challenged and I guess I thought wrong somewhere. I dream of talking to him again like we used to. I need that one someone again. I need the pain to cease. I hate reality. I wish I never