(no subject)
I always thought I was a trustworthy person. I admit I am a bit naive. I just never thought that I would back myself into a dark room with no escape. Primates, naturally are social creatures. Although, it seems as though I am not I too am a social creature. I have people I chat with but I had one person I could really talk to. Me being me, which I now realize is a curse, I jeopardized everything. I do not have anyone I can talk to anymore. I never knew what it was really like to let yourself go and be able to express everything and anything to someone. I am lost. I am hurt. I am holding everything inside and I am not sure how much longer I can take. Inside of me I have too many things I am holding inside of me. I admit I am putting up a front infront of everyone, except myself. When I am alone all I do is cry. I never thought I could ruin me. I never thought my actions would harm another. I knew I was a safe candidate to be anyone's friend if I allowed someone in to be considered a friend. I have become very picky and now that I am all alone, there is no point to that.
What if he does not think that I will never tell again? If I could go back in time everything would be so different. I would correct my behavior and words. I would make sure that I guard everything so I would not end up where I am. People tell me I can talk to them at anytime. I appreciate it, but it is not quite that easy or me. I cannot. I may feel as if I have something really important to share, but I cannot open my mouth to let anything out or if I manage to attempt to say something nothing will come out, not a sound; nothing.
I invested EVERYTHING. All I can do is wait. I just want my best friend back. Everyone needs someone that understands them, without anything having to be said. I just want to talk to someone again. I want to have someone I can go to in good and bad times. He was that but this bad time is now with him. Everything is just screwed up. I begin to let myself believe or think that there is some hope but I have to keep myself grounded and remind myself... what if... What if he says no? What if there is no hope? What if this silence is the beginning of silence forever? What if the last time we spoke and saw each other was the last time we are to ever deal with each other? I need someone that knows me. Never had to get to know me, but from the beginning knew me from the beginning.
Yesterday one of the people I can count on one hand that I refer to as a friend told me that I am naive. I know that. He then came to say that due to my naiveness people can take advantage of me and hurt me in a horrible way.
I have no one. So what is my purpose? To struggle? To struggle hard? To have people constantly play me and then turn the one I am closest to against me? I set myself up for failure. I know sorry means nothing. It is said that actions speak louder than words and believe me when I say I would do anything to have him and his faith again. I hurt him. As a result of hurting him I ended up hurting me. I may just be the one that hurts the most. If I could go back I would.
I just want to vent but I have not way of doing so. I am trying to keep myself really busy. When I am busy it is on my mind but I am not worthless nor am I crying. Yet when I am around myself, no one else, I let go and the tears keep coming. My brother says he is proud of me because I am strong and I am not letting anything get to me, what he and others do not know is that inside I am falling apart and it is just a matter of time before I breakdown. The sad thing is I recognize it but I cannot break free. I wake up every morning crying, I go to sleep every night crying, and if I am not busy I am crying if I am by myself. If he does not feel he can deal with me how can I go on? I have a need to be needed. I did so much for him, even without him asking because I knew if I did the things I did not only would it be appreciated by him but it made me feel good about myself because it validated to me that I am needed despite not being asked to do the household chores. His response was always the same, immense amount of gratitude, letting me know that out of everyone I was needed and wanted… not because I offered countless hours of entertainment because of my confusion or naive-state-of-mind or stupid comments or attempts of lame jokes or conversations/debates/discussions, but because I managed to find something that was needed. I helped his place feel at home, I helped him feel at home. I helped him relax with just my presence, whether I was there in person if from my acts of kindness, i.e. making up his bed randomly or doing his dishes, or his laundry because I knew that week or that day would be a long stressful day or week, or I just knew that when he arrived home he would be too tired to do anything other than fix his dinner and shower. I did not min doing any of those things. I was never asked to do those things. I always freely offered. I was not expected to do anything. If I did not want to do something it was okay, nothing to hold against me. I want to feel wanted and appreciated again. Everything reminds me of him, he was incorporated in everything I did.
It was not until six moths after I met him did I begin to realize that I liked him, long after we started our friendship. He liked me long before I even let him in my presence for us to exchange words. He told me he liked me on many occasions. I told him for the first time two weeks before the bomb was dropped. Why did I mess up? Why did I screw up things? We were maybe beginning to approach the what if... What if we were to hook up? It probably would never happened so not to ruin our relationship. He was or I should say he is perfect... for me. He has his quirks, I have mine, but I managed to deal with them and learn to live with them. I just wanted to express how important he is, being able to call him a friend. I wish I had known that was a no-no. I should have known. If I could go back I would hide it. If I could go back and change things I would in a flash.
I miss him. I want him to ake me back. I do not care if I have no opportunity left to be his girl, I just want my friend back. I know things wil be different. I am well aware of that. I would rather live with the consequences as long as he tell me he can trust me again, even if it is one more time. I know I will not mess up again ever. I want to let things out. I need someone to talk to. I really need someone that knows me inside and out. I want someone that cares. I need my support system that means more than any expert, docotor, professor, or boss. I need my best friend again. Gosh I really need him. I cannot lose him, things are too hard by myself. Not sure I will make it. Ohh gosh I need him. It is not a want it is a matter of a need. I need someone I can socialize with, not just my head because my head will end up bringing me to destruction.
What if he does not think that I will never tell again? If I could go back in time everything would be so different. I would correct my behavior and words. I would make sure that I guard everything so I would not end up where I am. People tell me I can talk to them at anytime. I appreciate it, but it is not quite that easy or me. I cannot. I may feel as if I have something really important to share, but I cannot open my mouth to let anything out or if I manage to attempt to say something nothing will come out, not a sound; nothing.
I invested EVERYTHING. All I can do is wait. I just want my best friend back. Everyone needs someone that understands them, without anything having to be said. I just want to talk to someone again. I want to have someone I can go to in good and bad times. He was that but this bad time is now with him. Everything is just screwed up. I begin to let myself believe or think that there is some hope but I have to keep myself grounded and remind myself... what if... What if he says no? What if there is no hope? What if this silence is the beginning of silence forever? What if the last time we spoke and saw each other was the last time we are to ever deal with each other? I need someone that knows me. Never had to get to know me, but from the beginning knew me from the beginning.
Yesterday one of the people I can count on one hand that I refer to as a friend told me that I am naive. I know that. He then came to say that due to my naiveness people can take advantage of me and hurt me in a horrible way.
I have no one. So what is my purpose? To struggle? To struggle hard? To have people constantly play me and then turn the one I am closest to against me? I set myself up for failure. I know sorry means nothing. It is said that actions speak louder than words and believe me when I say I would do anything to have him and his faith again. I hurt him. As a result of hurting him I ended up hurting me. I may just be the one that hurts the most. If I could go back I would.
I just want to vent but I have not way of doing so. I am trying to keep myself really busy. When I am busy it is on my mind but I am not worthless nor am I crying. Yet when I am around myself, no one else, I let go and the tears keep coming. My brother says he is proud of me because I am strong and I am not letting anything get to me, what he and others do not know is that inside I am falling apart and it is just a matter of time before I breakdown. The sad thing is I recognize it but I cannot break free. I wake up every morning crying, I go to sleep every night crying, and if I am not busy I am crying if I am by myself. If he does not feel he can deal with me how can I go on? I have a need to be needed. I did so much for him, even without him asking because I knew if I did the things I did not only would it be appreciated by him but it made me feel good about myself because it validated to me that I am needed despite not being asked to do the household chores. His response was always the same, immense amount of gratitude, letting me know that out of everyone I was needed and wanted… not because I offered countless hours of entertainment because of my confusion or naive-state-of-mind or stupid comments or attempts of lame jokes or conversations/debates/discussions, but because I managed to find something that was needed. I helped his place feel at home, I helped him feel at home. I helped him relax with just my presence, whether I was there in person if from my acts of kindness, i.e. making up his bed randomly or doing his dishes, or his laundry because I knew that week or that day would be a long stressful day or week, or I just knew that when he arrived home he would be too tired to do anything other than fix his dinner and shower. I did not min doing any of those things. I was never asked to do those things. I always freely offered. I was not expected to do anything. If I did not want to do something it was okay, nothing to hold against me. I want to feel wanted and appreciated again. Everything reminds me of him, he was incorporated in everything I did.
It was not until six moths after I met him did I begin to realize that I liked him, long after we started our friendship. He liked me long before I even let him in my presence for us to exchange words. He told me he liked me on many occasions. I told him for the first time two weeks before the bomb was dropped. Why did I mess up? Why did I screw up things? We were maybe beginning to approach the what if... What if we were to hook up? It probably would never happened so not to ruin our relationship. He was or I should say he is perfect... for me. He has his quirks, I have mine, but I managed to deal with them and learn to live with them. I just wanted to express how important he is, being able to call him a friend. I wish I had known that was a no-no. I should have known. If I could go back I would hide it. If I could go back and change things I would in a flash.
I miss him. I want him to ake me back. I do not care if I have no opportunity left to be his girl, I just want my friend back. I know things wil be different. I am well aware of that. I would rather live with the consequences as long as he tell me he can trust me again, even if it is one more time. I know I will not mess up again ever. I want to let things out. I need someone to talk to. I really need someone that knows me inside and out. I want someone that cares. I need my support system that means more than any expert, docotor, professor, or boss. I need my best friend again. Gosh I really need him. I cannot lose him, things are too hard by myself. Not sure I will make it. Ohh gosh I need him. It is not a want it is a matter of a need. I need someone I can socialize with, not just my head because my head will end up bringing me to destruction.