why do others get to be irresponsible ?
its been a year since i've left and it's been about 9 months since i've been home but i have yet to grieve ... i feel like because im a person with a good head on my shoulders and im the child thats going down the "right" path, im almost not allowed to breakdown. i thinks is harder being the sibling trying to outshine the others than to be the one living in the shadows.
9 months, 3 spent enjoying life in a summer of fun in the miami sun, a month of newly 21st bdaii celebrations and a month of good ol` american college football games. A month of accepting and deciding things with kevin. Then 2 months dedicated to my family for thanksgiving and christmas. Finally the new year, the 2 months of wok, school and work#2 hell, keeping me from even trying to be human. i've been living like a robot just doing the 9-5 gig only my mine is more 7-9. I haven't even had time to cry about spain let alone kevin, except for the tear or 2 when a song comes on in the car that reminds me of either one of them. It sucks how may days, weeks, or even how many months it's been. i haven't even been given the change to remember all the amazing people i met in Spain and the ton of other cities i was in. Although i must say i have read the twilight series and twilight again and now breaking dawn again too, it's been my distraction to life. I don't go out i don't drink and Many of my friends haven't seen me in months, except didi and aj but thats just what keeps me sane.
It's not fair. i did miss out on a lot of school and is it kicking my ass but im doing great and i actually love spending time studying, and actually studying legit not like how i used to study... but sometimes it becomes overwhelming and breakdowns occur. Like Katie Joyce, shes allowed to be the free spirit, the do what i want when i want thing. sure maybe no one thinks her life will be what the status quo calls for but she'll be happy doing what she's doing. Me, im doing everything everyone wants me to do, going to school working getting good grades, applying to diff schools and keeping my life "in order" and im miserable !!!! i wanna SCREAM i wanna tell everyone to go to hell and get out of here and experience life and do something out of the ordinary. My life between 17-20 was all perfect and pretty, the good relationship family grades job. i have 2 choices now, stay here, finish school become part of the "real" world where people get jobs have kids plan pta meeting and become responsible adults to live happily ever after like jay.... or get out of here and do something, go skydiving in the swiss alps, go mt. climbing on the coast of italy, ride elephants in India and walk on the great wall of china or something. Option 2 sounds better option 1 is more conventional and option 3 is do both and duhh thats the best one but im not sure how to do this, who to talk to this about, who to get my advice from. I haven't even told or asked anyone any of these questions... im just scared
NO HOPE
NO LOVE
NO GLORY
NO HAPPY ENDING ...
this is the way that we love, like it's forever. then live the rest of our lives but not together.... a little bit of heaven- but a little bit of hell. this is the hardest story that i've ever told....
9 months, 3 spent enjoying life in a summer of fun in the miami sun, a month of newly 21st bdaii celebrations and a month of good ol` american college football games. A month of accepting and deciding things with kevin. Then 2 months dedicated to my family for thanksgiving and christmas. Finally the new year, the 2 months of wok, school and work#2 hell, keeping me from even trying to be human. i've been living like a robot just doing the 9-5 gig only my mine is more 7-9. I haven't even had time to cry about spain let alone kevin, except for the tear or 2 when a song comes on in the car that reminds me of either one of them. It sucks how may days, weeks, or even how many months it's been. i haven't even been given the change to remember all the amazing people i met in Spain and the ton of other cities i was in. Although i must say i have read the twilight series and twilight again and now breaking dawn again too, it's been my distraction to life. I don't go out i don't drink and Many of my friends haven't seen me in months, except didi and aj but thats just what keeps me sane.
It's not fair. i did miss out on a lot of school and is it kicking my ass but im doing great and i actually love spending time studying, and actually studying legit not like how i used to study... but sometimes it becomes overwhelming and breakdowns occur. Like Katie Joyce, shes allowed to be the free spirit, the do what i want when i want thing. sure maybe no one thinks her life will be what the status quo calls for but she'll be happy doing what she's doing. Me, im doing everything everyone wants me to do, going to school working getting good grades, applying to diff schools and keeping my life "in order" and im miserable !!!! i wanna SCREAM i wanna tell everyone to go to hell and get out of here and experience life and do something out of the ordinary. My life between 17-20 was all perfect and pretty, the good relationship family grades job. i have 2 choices now, stay here, finish school become part of the "real" world where people get jobs have kids plan pta meeting and become responsible adults to live happily ever after like jay.... or get out of here and do something, go skydiving in the swiss alps, go mt. climbing on the coast of italy, ride elephants in India and walk on the great wall of china or something. Option 2 sounds better option 1 is more conventional and option 3 is do both and duhh thats the best one but im not sure how to do this, who to talk to this about, who to get my advice from. I haven't even told or asked anyone any of these questions... im just scared
NO HOPE
NO LOVE
NO GLORY
NO HAPPY ENDING ...
this is the way that we love, like it's forever. then live the rest of our lives but not together.... a little bit of heaven- but a little bit of hell. this is the hardest story that i've ever told....