i just got off the phone with didi....
she's my best friend and the person i trust most with my emotions. She makes me happy when i need her to and she makes complete when i feel alone. Today like many other days in the past and no doubt days in the future a boy broke her heart. He had all of it in his hands and on his way home he decided to throw it out the window. This guy makes me wanna puke of how he's treating her, he spends a weekend with her full of i love you's and holds her. They spoke about their future and their wedding, conversations of kids-which of the two would play sports and which would do ballet. 3 perfect days in her eyes but thru the reflection of his eyes in hers could she see the lies? Where they lies? Did he say it so her heart would not feel sad .... so that he could make her happy because he loves her although he's not in love with her or is he just a cold hearted asshole with no feeling who has left the person who only lived to love him numb to the world.
I think it's the last one, Not because of anything in the past but of what he's using as his excuse to end things. He's using lies and pretty much anything he can to make this her fault when in reality if she did it to him he would be to blame b/c of all he's done and still she continues to forgive and forget b/c she loves him that much.
I can see now how and why he would think that i did it to him on purpose but i really didn't. I am not cold hearted and i`m not a bitch because thru it all when he cried i cried, when he hurt i hurt and when his heart ached mine bled to see what i was doing to him. I wasn't ready to be in love with someone. I didn't know what it meant to be someone's girlfriend & i had an even smaller idea how to behave as such. Through my mistakes, thru my "single life" and of course this summer i've learned a lot ! I know now what it was that i did and for that matter what i didn't do that made us not work out. It was like i was the guy and u were the chick and for the first time ever in my life i`m the girl. Im the one at home wishing i had a bf and the one in love. I`m the one that wants a real us and the one willing to fight for what i believe in. If your not ready for a relationship then get away from me.... now i`m not saying that in the bitch way but in the please step away from my life don't treat me bad don't treat me good just don't treat me at all. When your good to me it gives me hope which i know isn't there and when you treat me bad like in Bimini it makes me hate you so much that i can never imagine my self on my wedding day staring at a man thru my vail that would have the nerve to do that to me and not see what was wrong with it. I don't want to hate you and it's what your forcing me into. I have to admit when you tell me thing and i say them back like i love you and lets get married and lets move in together i`m all there but in reality i know never to believe them and let myself eat them up like didi did this weekend. Thats why when i go over your house and we say these things to each other and you don't call for 2 days or more i really could careless and go about my normal day. i've learned to live without you. Now MY tears are MINE and they are being reserved for moments when i really need them, I won't let them be wasted again. So then if i don't care what is the reason for writing this entry ?
Well.... It's to apologize. An apology for everything i put you through, everything i didn't put you through and all i may have done unintentionally. I never wanted to hurt you and i never believed that you deserved it. If anything you deserved the best - yes deserved as in past tense b/c i broke u so bad that now the person you are doesn't deserve respect, b/c the person you are doesn't show respect. You were always there behind me while i was "walling out" in the words of michelle or having a good time in mine so i have been here for you while you make your mistakes with me, i just sit here and watch you.
i know her like many other girls in the world aren't as strong as i am (and that isn't to say much anymore). when i set my mind to something i fulfill it not matter how long or how much it takes eventually i do. Thats not the case for many girls and im sure thats not the case for her or why else would she still be running back and crying for a guy that isn't her bf and is still clearly hooked on his ex? Consider this my last apology if not my first but i am completely sincere in every word i have written. I`m truly and completely sorry for EVERYTHING !!! i pinky . all the words in the world all the tears all the apologies and sincerity could never even begin to have the emotion i mean when i say it. for everything and anything i know and u know what it is but i really am ..... i hope one day you realize what your doing as i have. That one day you change, or rather just go back to the kid you used to be. Will i marry you ? Im beginning to think that's a no and it scares me. we have such a beautiful story and i began to crumble it and i feel like you have thrown it all away. Who knows - maybe our story is still being written- maybe it has only one end (till death do us part). Maybe one day it will be uncrumbled and re-written. Your the only one with that answer now... i've told you what i want and i've told you im willing to work and fight for this. As i write this i think of the you that you are today and i really wouldn't careless if things were finished now this very moment but when i thought the old you and as i thought of all of this yesterday and the day before and this weekend on the sand watching shooting stars go by it would have killed to have this begin all over again.
So now you have it my apology my understanding of what i did. It goes to show that not all people are cold hearted mean stupid bitches and not all girls are. Sometimes we don't know what were doing and we just can't help something we don't know, so if your gonna be an asshole to anyone it should be to that same person in return b/c the next one (NS) doesn't deserve it because at some point once your done wearing her out for all she has she will move on to the next person in her life - a good one - and she will treat him the way you treated her and he won't deserve it at all, but you have already ruined anything good that could have come from your relationship with her. all of our actions have consequences and we need to start taking them into consideration before we act. I love you with all my heart and i want to see you happy like you were before because you don't deserve to be this stupid arrogant "pimp" you are being. You deserve to be the guy you were for me. Im sorry i didn't let you be that for me. Im sorry i wouldn't see it. .. .. .. so before i start to ramble again...
IM SORRY .
I think it's the last one, Not because of anything in the past but of what he's using as his excuse to end things. He's using lies and pretty much anything he can to make this her fault when in reality if she did it to him he would be to blame b/c of all he's done and still she continues to forgive and forget b/c she loves him that much.
I can see now how and why he would think that i did it to him on purpose but i really didn't. I am not cold hearted and i`m not a bitch because thru it all when he cried i cried, when he hurt i hurt and when his heart ached mine bled to see what i was doing to him. I wasn't ready to be in love with someone. I didn't know what it meant to be someone's girlfriend & i had an even smaller idea how to behave as such. Through my mistakes, thru my "single life" and of course this summer i've learned a lot ! I know now what it was that i did and for that matter what i didn't do that made us not work out. It was like i was the guy and u were the chick and for the first time ever in my life i`m the girl. Im the one at home wishing i had a bf and the one in love. I`m the one that wants a real us and the one willing to fight for what i believe in. If your not ready for a relationship then get away from me.... now i`m not saying that in the bitch way but in the please step away from my life don't treat me bad don't treat me good just don't treat me at all. When your good to me it gives me hope which i know isn't there and when you treat me bad like in Bimini it makes me hate you so much that i can never imagine my self on my wedding day staring at a man thru my vail that would have the nerve to do that to me and not see what was wrong with it. I don't want to hate you and it's what your forcing me into. I have to admit when you tell me thing and i say them back like i love you and lets get married and lets move in together i`m all there but in reality i know never to believe them and let myself eat them up like didi did this weekend. Thats why when i go over your house and we say these things to each other and you don't call for 2 days or more i really could careless and go about my normal day. i've learned to live without you. Now MY tears are MINE and they are being reserved for moments when i really need them, I won't let them be wasted again. So then if i don't care what is the reason for writing this entry ?
Well.... It's to apologize. An apology for everything i put you through, everything i didn't put you through and all i may have done unintentionally. I never wanted to hurt you and i never believed that you deserved it. If anything you deserved the best - yes deserved as in past tense b/c i broke u so bad that now the person you are doesn't deserve respect, b/c the person you are doesn't show respect. You were always there behind me while i was "walling out" in the words of michelle or having a good time in mine so i have been here for you while you make your mistakes with me, i just sit here and watch you.
i know her like many other girls in the world aren't as strong as i am (and that isn't to say much anymore). when i set my mind to something i fulfill it not matter how long or how much it takes eventually i do. Thats not the case for many girls and im sure thats not the case for her or why else would she still be running back and crying for a guy that isn't her bf and is still clearly hooked on his ex? Consider this my last apology if not my first but i am completely sincere in every word i have written. I`m truly and completely sorry for EVERYTHING !!! i pinky . all the words in the world all the tears all the apologies and sincerity could never even begin to have the emotion i mean when i say it. for everything and anything i know and u know what it is but i really am ..... i hope one day you realize what your doing as i have. That one day you change, or rather just go back to the kid you used to be. Will i marry you ? Im beginning to think that's a no and it scares me. we have such a beautiful story and i began to crumble it and i feel like you have thrown it all away. Who knows - maybe our story is still being written- maybe it has only one end (till death do us part). Maybe one day it will be uncrumbled and re-written. Your the only one with that answer now... i've told you what i want and i've told you im willing to work and fight for this. As i write this i think of the you that you are today and i really wouldn't careless if things were finished now this very moment but when i thought the old you and as i thought of all of this yesterday and the day before and this weekend on the sand watching shooting stars go by it would have killed to have this begin all over again.
So now you have it my apology my understanding of what i did. It goes to show that not all people are cold hearted mean stupid bitches and not all girls are. Sometimes we don't know what were doing and we just can't help something we don't know, so if your gonna be an asshole to anyone it should be to that same person in return b/c the next one (NS) doesn't deserve it because at some point once your done wearing her out for all she has she will move on to the next person in her life - a good one - and she will treat him the way you treated her and he won't deserve it at all, but you have already ruined anything good that could have come from your relationship with her. all of our actions have consequences and we need to start taking them into consideration before we act. I love you with all my heart and i want to see you happy like you were before because you don't deserve to be this stupid arrogant "pimp" you are being. You deserve to be the guy you were for me. Im sorry i didn't let you be that for me. Im sorry i wouldn't see it. .. .. .. so before i start to ramble again...
IM SORRY .