Letters you never meant to send...
Well, I understand now. I am a fucking terrible person. Someone needs to just shoot me, prevent any of ME going into the gene pool and infecting the world. God help you all if I ever have kids. Sometimes I am just so tired of living this life.
How come I only want the things I can't have? And how come what I really, really want is always just centimeters out of my reach? And how come my fucking MP3 player has to die and deprive me of musical enjoyment at 4 in the morning? It's just not fucking fair, I guess.
But life isn't fucking fair, is it? And neither am I.
I don't think I realized, before now, how horrible I was. Or that I actually had the power to screw someone up like that. Or that my indecisiveness could make one person vacillate between happiness... and what else? Well, that's just bloody brilliant. I'm really tired of hurting people just because I'm afraid to get hurt myself. I don't do it intentionally but I always end up doing it, somehow or another, and it's just not right. And it's really hard, to finally realize how much better off certain people would be if I weren't around, if I had never stepped into their lives. I shouldn't have been so selfish. And I'm not going to interfere with anyone's happiness anymore.
And you know what the worst part is? All those things I've said, all those little things I've brushed off as lies or moments of confusion, were really true. But it was always me, I was always the coward, even though I blamed it on someone else. I was always too afraid to actually commit to anything real. Well, it's too late now. I've fucked things up irrevocably. And I'm almost glad, in a way, because at least now no one will get hurt anymore. Except for me.
I would stay home. I would pretend to be sick and sleep all day. Hell, I'm feeling pretty sick right about now. But in two hours, I have to get up and get ready, because I have to take this girl to school who I don't really want to see, who I don't really know and who doesn't really know me. And it's funny, how it's all been for nothing.
It's really funny, how I don't even want to know her anymore. And as for those couple of people who I do know, and who could know me... I don't want them to know what I've become.
I'm so afraid of what they might see.
How come I only want the things I can't have? And how come what I really, really want is always just centimeters out of my reach? And how come my fucking MP3 player has to die and deprive me of musical enjoyment at 4 in the morning? It's just not fucking fair, I guess.
But life isn't fucking fair, is it? And neither am I.
I don't think I realized, before now, how horrible I was. Or that I actually had the power to screw someone up like that. Or that my indecisiveness could make one person vacillate between happiness... and what else? Well, that's just bloody brilliant. I'm really tired of hurting people just because I'm afraid to get hurt myself. I don't do it intentionally but I always end up doing it, somehow or another, and it's just not right. And it's really hard, to finally realize how much better off certain people would be if I weren't around, if I had never stepped into their lives. I shouldn't have been so selfish. And I'm not going to interfere with anyone's happiness anymore.
And you know what the worst part is? All those things I've said, all those little things I've brushed off as lies or moments of confusion, were really true. But it was always me, I was always the coward, even though I blamed it on someone else. I was always too afraid to actually commit to anything real. Well, it's too late now. I've fucked things up irrevocably. And I'm almost glad, in a way, because at least now no one will get hurt anymore. Except for me.
I would stay home. I would pretend to be sick and sleep all day. Hell, I'm feeling pretty sick right about now. But in two hours, I have to get up and get ready, because I have to take this girl to school who I don't really want to see, who I don't really know and who doesn't really know me. And it's funny, how it's all been for nothing.
It's really funny, how I don't even want to know her anymore. And as for those couple of people who I do know, and who could know me... I don't want them to know what I've become.
I'm so afraid of what they might see.