(no subject)
im scared. i dont know if telling her the truth was the best thing to do but i couldnt hold it in any longer. i have this feeling in my stomache that it will backfire but i guess thats what i do best. i fuck myself over and then i hope for the best. i cant believe the wway things are. i dont understand and i am neveer going to be able to face reality. without himi have nothing. without me he has nothing. WHY CANT THIS BE EASY. heres the easy solutions..1) BE WITH ME 2) GET OVER IT ... yeah both are some farfetched ideas. life is never easy. its never how it "should" be. this is how it is: i am nothing he wants but everything he needs. i am the best thing to ever come into his life and he will have to watch me walk out of it because he wont wake the fuck up. he is nothing i need but everything i want. no thats not true. he is all i need because he is everything i want. for me there is no one else. no alternative. i wish he would realize it before its toolate. i dont want to let you go!!!! but you are hurting me so bad.. it hurts. to be with him like this is killing me, and to be without him is death in itself. so what then? be together and try to get over him but secretly wish everyday that he turns around and finally tells me what ive been dying to hear. thats ridiculous and as amzing as it sounds its really just a fantasy, a fools hope. the truth is that he is too amazing andi will never be able to be around him and not want more than this. and the ultimate truth is that he will try to find other people and NONE will compare to me, and the reality in this truth is that i must move the fuck on because it will take too long for him towake the fuck up. its not fair. it hurts. it sucks. it makes me cry. i cant sleep and i cant be anything without him there. he is in everything i think and dream and do. i cant escape it. i dont want to escape it. i want him to want me . why cant it be that way. . . why can it never be that way??? this is so hard. but it has to be hard. its hard because its real. its the realest most upsetting thing ever. and wishing and wanting dont even matter anymore. as much as i love him and as much as he loves me, it doesnt even matter because nothing is changing this. nothing i do or say will save me from the pain. and the only person who can make me better is him and yet he is the one hurting me.. how insane is that shit.. i dont want no one else. i dont want a life without him but i cant have him how i need to have him and i cant live with him with these unreturned feelings.. the good is so amazing. there is no bad. so how can i just let him go.. icnat. i cant i cant i cant. and he cant let me go. we want eachother. we love eachother. why isnt that enough.. why why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. it seems like that question haunts my mind. i love him. oh my god i love him. and i cant fucking stand it. i really cant. its disgusting. its ruined me and everything i stand for. everything i have ever believed in is gone out the damn window and i cant seem to find it. i cant even find myself anymore. i dont even know who i am. i do all the things i wished i never would. im pathetic and its gross. hes being selfish. he cant have all of me and all of someone else at the same time. its not happening. i wish i could be enough for him. well, i know i could be more than enough if he would just "look at me like that" the only solution i have is to make him see what hes missing. make him see me that way. but even that solution is pathetic. what the hell am i going to do.. no one has any answers for me, not even him. im at a standstill and alli can do about it is cry and hope and cry and ask why this and wish that maybe someday i could be with him. what a stupid life i lead these days. fucking pathetic piece of shit. he really doesnt deserve me. he doesnt deserve to have this hold on me. i know he doesnt deserve me because if e did he would take me. he would be content with me and we could realy live life. but because he is blind it shows me he really is undeserving. and it sucks. and i hate it. and nothing i can think of to do will change that. i deserve love. i deserve passion. i deserve a guy who will love me and hold me and will tell me how amazin i am, mean it, and than fuck me all night long. thats what i deserve. i only want him and its killing me.