(no subject)
i dont know if maybe i am just weak when it comes to him or if maybe just maybe its real. it feels so real when italk to him. why does he have to make it so hard to not want him. why is he so fucking amazing even now.. even with this potentially riendhsip ruining perdicatment we are in, even now he is being fucking amazing, being worth every tear and every ache in my heart. he really does love me. god he really does. just not like i love him. not like i want him to. the fact that we both are here for eachother says alot to me. it has to mean something. i mean both of our solutions are to leave this area, if we were not friends. without eachother theres nothing here, there is no hope. see the thing is i dont feel butterflies, i dont feel infatuated, i love him. but some days i think maybe i read more into my feelings. but at the same time he is the only person i want in every way you could possibly want someone. i dont want him to be with anyone else. and i really have this gut feeling that if i found a guy he would feel the same way. he would get jealous and want me. but would it be hes wanting something cause he cant have it or would it just be a wake up call? but even so, there is no one for me. no one but him.. so how can i even go about that? i guess time is all we have. time will either mend my heart or make him come around. i want so bad to believe that this is possible. i want to make it possible. if you want something bad enough can you make it happen? i mean it didnt work as far as me making him in love with me, but maybe we can get through it. we both want to. i just dont know how i can ever get over him. hes so fucking amazing, so perfect in every way. every flaw he has makes me love him more. the way he loves me makes me love him more. i dont want him to change. i dont want to lose what we have. but i am so scared that we will.. so fucking scared.