Fanfic - Endymion: Tiro (I) [Final Fantasy VII: Cloud/Sephiroth]
What will be standard pimpage on most, if not all of my posts hereafter:
poco-a-poco.deviantart.com - new doujin circle I'm in. Check it out! [and comment!]
Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
Pairing: Some Cloud/Sephiroth
Rating: PG-13
Author's Notes: PLEASE READ!
Part Two of the Endymion trilogy! Part One, for new readers, can be found here. It, like this post, has been split into two sections due to its sheer size. Alternately, you can find it at fanfiction.net under the pen-name Daelan.
The most fundamental change I have made to this universe, despite all evidence to the contrary, is to do with Sephiroth. I maintain that the Nibelheim disaster occurred because he didn't have any parental figures in his life [Hojo does NOT count] when he was growing up. Certain other major changes have been made, such as making Cloud stronger as a cadet than he really was, but these are all geared towards the one huge change I want to make that makes this AU an AU. What that is... I'm not telling. But read this AN and read the fic and it's pretty obvious in the end.
That said, I hope you'll forgive the OOC. It needed to be done to make things turn out the way I needed them to. Chalk some of Cloud's skill up to being personally trained by Zack [as far as I can tell, he didn't do that in the original storyline] and the rest of it up to luck/author's license. *grins*
As mentioned earlier, this post has been split into two. Er, read this one first. There's a link to the continuation at the bottom, so don't worry about that. *grins*
I'm not as happy with this part as I was with Part One, but I think it's as good as it's going to get. It's supremely hard getting into his mind - for me, at least. I'm almost dreading the next part; I think that'll be worse...
But at any rate, enjoy!
Endymion
Part Two: Tiro
13/04
0715
I am not in the habit of keeping diaries, but this journal is the product of a suggestion made to me a while ago by Cloud. He seems to have noticed my rather perturbed state of mind lately, and suggested that writing things out might help me set my own thoughts in order. I find myself rather uncertain as to how this will help me, exactly, but I agreed to at least try it.
However, perhaps some background information is in order, before I explain anything else. I write this not only to help myself think things through, but also so that in the event of my death, those close to me might understand a little more about me. This, therefore, is for Zack and Cloud. I do not desire death, but it is a real possibility in my line of work.
We are in Nibelheim now, running a standard inspection on the mako reactor here in the mountains. There have been rather too many instances of reactors failing recently, and ShinRa has decided to step up inspections. The failed reactors have led to quite a number of problems, both on the Plate and in the Slums, and discontent is growing amongst the people. It is for that reason that President ShinRa decided to send me personally to inspect this reactor; as a sign to the people that ShinRa does indeed take its job seriously.
The platoon has been here three days now, and it was yesterday that Zack and I went up to the mako reactor. A local girl named Tifa accompanied us as a guide. She was competent, thankfully, and we reached the reactor earlier than expected. The checks also went well, although we will have to run a few more later today.
But I found myself with extra time on my hands, and while Zack was running the last checks on the reactor’s X-243 system, I decided to have a look around the place to see if there were any visible leaks anywhere. There have been reports of monsters in the region which could very possibly have been created by mutation via mako contamination.
I knew that Doctor Hojo had conducted some mako-related experiments in the region in the past, and therefore theorised that any leaks could possibly be due to his enthusiasm in obtaining fresh mako. I know better than most what lengths he will go to in order to obtain fresh samples of mako. I know too, what he does with it.
In any case, I went to the old ShinRa mansion in Nibelheim. It has long since been abandoned, but I hoped to find old records of what experiments had been carried out here in the past. In the belief that no one save those I choose will ever see this, I will state here now that I would not put it past Doctor Hojo to have deliberately created the monsters that reportedly terrorise the region now. The locals claim that the mountains are no longer safe; a cause for worry, since they depend on the mountain passes for their supplies and trade.
I did find some things of great interest in the mansion. Doctor Hojo’s personal notes, in fact, far more than I ever thought I would discover. They detail a great number of experiments, not all of them ethical. I had not the time to read through them in great detail, but I believe I saw some notes on human experimentation. I believe this may have been the precursor to what is now an accepted field of study - mako-based enhancement. I am, however, fairly sure that at the time, such study was illegal.
I plan on returning today and making a more thorough examination of his notes, in order to determine exactly what he was doing. For now, however, Zack is here and waiting for me to leave. I will further elaborate on what I have found once I am sure of my facts.
-Sephiroth
--
13/04
2050
It would be a grave mistake to assume that the only reason I have been somewhat unsettled of late is because of what I have found at the mansion. Cloud, if ever you read this - your mother is a formidable woman. I cannot claim to understand her, but I think I can somewhat understand now, how you could have grown up the way you have. And yet, at the same time, I feel as if I am treading a minefield whenever I speak to her.
No doubt if you are reading this, Zack, you will want to tell Cloud. Please do refrain from doing so.
But leaving aside that topic, let me write now on what I found today. I asked Zack to take care of most of the checks today, personally running only a brief scan of the Alpha system. It reported no problems with the pipes, so if there is a leak, that is not where the problem lies.
I believe I may have worried Zack a little with the way I disappeared immediately after I had checked the Alpha system. If I did, I must apologise. I proceeded to the basement of the ShinRa mansion to continue my personal investigation into Doctor Hojo’s old records.
Unfortunately, Doctor Hojo does not appear to have been much for order. Time has also taken its toll, so I find myself faced with the unenviable task of sorting through all the notes. I have already removed the notes that are beyond salvage, for some have been quite thoroughly destroyed by water and insects. The remainder I have secured in the basement. Tomorrow, I will attempt to sort through them and at least place them in chronological order. If nothing else, Doctor Hojo does at least note the dates of all his experiments, so the only thing that stands in the way of a quick sorting is the sheer volume of notes.
There were a fair number of old tapes as well, undoubtedly made during experiments when he had his hands - literally - full. I must see if I can procure a tape recorder before going back up tomorrow. If I cannot, I will simply sort through the handwritten notes and see if there is anything that bears further investigation. In that event, I will find a way to bring the tapes back to Midgar to study them. There is a risk involved with that, of course. Doctor Hojo always seems to know what I am up to while in ShinRa. He regards me as a prize specimen, I feel. It is not a sensation I enjoy, but it is something I must take into account.
-Sephiroth
--
14/04
2130
Today, for the first time in a long while, I found myself having a pleasant meal with people I could consider family. I have missed these meals with Zack and Cloud, far more than I think even they know. They provide me with a kind of normalcy that is sorely lacking in my life. I do not believe that President Shinra wants me to be normal; I believe he wants me to always be extraordinary, to stand out from the crowd, the perfect figurehead, and thus have I been groomed. But I find myself craving these moments in which I can be human, and I find myself grateful for the company of these two men.
We dined with Cloud’s mother. Again, the minefield, but I think I made a good impression on her. At the very least, she refrained from throwing sharp things at me, which has to be a good sign.
I had little luck today with sorting through Doctor Hojo’s notes. I was barely down in the basement for half an hour or so when someone rapped at the door. As it turned out, Zack had discovered some anomalies during what ought to have been a routine check. We made a search of the premises, but none of the storage facilities seem to have any visible defects. Tomorrow we will have to run a more thorough check. As I write this, Zack is prepping the equipment we will need for tomorrow.
I admit here to feeling somewhat uneasy about what lies ahead. Perhaps it is merely because these are Doctor Hojo’s notes that I am looking through, because this is where he conducted some of his experiments. Whatever the reason, I find myself loathe to return tomorrow.
-Sephiroth
--
14/04
2240
Cloud has just been in here asking me what Zack and I will be doing tomorrow. I refrained from providing too many details, but the lad is quick enough on the uptake to almost immediately realise we discovered something wrong with the reactor. Or maybe I should be working on hiding my emotions more; perhaps I’m slipping.
We spoke for well over an hour (not all about work, thankfully) and he has only just left after we realised the time. The imp had the gall to apologise for making me lose my beauty sleep and then running off before I could deliver retribution.
Somehow, he has successfully managed to lighten my mood. I no longer quite fear the coming day.
-Sephiroth
--
15/04
1300
As it turns out, we have been stranded here in Nibelheim today. The rain does not appear to be letting up, and the storm is violent enough that the pathway up to the reactor will be all but impassable. One of the locals, Zangan, assures us that the rain will continue for at least another day. We have also been duly cautioned that landslides are a real possibility, even after the rains stop.
So here we sit in enforced lassitude. Or I do, at any rate. Zack seems to have meandered down to the bar. No doubt he’s thanking his lucky stars that he is bunking here in the inn, as opposed to being out in the field. We have had to bring in the soldiers and tents because of the severity of the storm, and it is a positive madhouse downstairs in the pub area. Some of the villagers have offered to put up the soldiers for the night in their homes. I am merely thankful that we brought only a small group here.
A note here, for posterity’s sake - we have with us only a small group, consisting of two Soldiers Second Class, their five trainees, and some few gendarmerie. Zack and I are in charge of this motley crew, who were chosen mainly because the majority of them are either used to mountain regions, or have experience dealing with mako. And of course, Cloud is with us as well, as Zack’s trainee.
I find myself rather craving some of the wonderful food provided here, but at the same time, I do not wish to face the crowd. Perhaps all Doctor Hojo’s grooming has done is to cause me to withdraw into myself. The great leader he envisioned would rather sit alone in his room, a fact I am sure would cause him great consternation. I find I do not much care though - and someone is knocking at my door. A moment.
A moment has in fact been a few hours, and tumultuous ones at that. More and more these days, I suspect Cloud of… there is no elegant way of phrasing this. It seems almost as if he is flirting with me. Perhaps I am reading too deeply into some of his words and actions, and perhaps I am rather too greatly influenced by my own desires, but nonetheless - there is that suspicion of mine.
And that is all it shall remain.
This has turned out to be more of a personal journal than the record-book of Doctor Hojo’s notes that I originally intended for it to be. But no matter; this writing is cathartic in a sense. Perhaps this is part of the reason why Cloud always enjoyed writing home. It helps that he had someone so wise to write to, of course. It helps that he had anyone at all to write to. I can make no such claim and so I write to myself.
There is something vaguely pathetic about that.
-Sephiroth
--
15/04
1806:15
I am literally counting down the seconds. Will this rain never cease? If anything, it seems to have intensified. I do not think I am made for extended periods of inactivity. At least when I had paperwork to do I had something to think about, even if I couldn’t be physically active.
Where is Cloud when I need him?
No knock at the door. I suppose I cannot expect him to be psychic all the time. I have been reduced to polishing Masamune to pass the time. I am greatly attached to this sword of mine, unwieldy great hunk of metal though it may be - but not to the extent of spending an entire day on it!
And yet, I know what will happen if I go downstairs. The inevitable hush, the stares and mutters. Disdain, awe, there is little difference between the two. I would rather boredom over inflicting that upon myself voluntarily.
I find myself wondering what exactly Doctor Hojo’s notes contain. I know that he moved to Midgar only a few years after my birth, and he has often enough told me that he has been grooming me since birth, upon President Shinra’s orders. Is it possible then, that I was born here in Nibelheim? Indeed, that there may be records of my birth, lost somewhere within his notes on his experiments? That, more than anything else, may be what drives me to search through all his notes.
If a person knows only their mother’s name, does not know their father and is loved by none, does that person exist?
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
0200
I am crying.
It has been so long since I have done anything of the sort. I had almost forgotten what it was like.
I am crying now because of a dream I had. It sounds so infantile when I put it like that, and yet I cannot help myself.
The tears have more or less stopped now. I am alternately watching the clock and writing. There is not much to do now, and I cannot seem to get back to sleep.
I have never had a dream of this ilk before. Nightmares, of course, I know what people call them. But can it be a nightmare when it is something that could easily happen in real life? Perhaps it still is a nightmare even then, just a bad dream, right up until the moment it comes true and then it’s just cruel reality and I cannot cry.
Is that why I am crying now?
I do not want to put Cloud in any sort of danger. But is that not what he signed up for when he joined the military? Who am I to try and protect him? I have no claim.
None, but I long for one.
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
0800
Still the rain.
I have not been to sleep since I last wrote. The sandman seems not to favour me this day.
I am my usual self now, or so I would hope. In a few moments, I think I shall head down to breakfast, which is served considerably later than what I am used to. I have waited even longer to let the masses clear out into the bar. Hopefully, when I go down, the dining area will be rather much emptier.
If not, a few well-placed glares should ensure at least a little privacy for my breakfast. Perhaps I can coax Zack into sitting with me a while.
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
2130
Some of the people here infuriate me. I knew that Cloud was not popular here, but I never expected such a degree of loathing as what I witnessed today.
That night in Midgar… I was on my way back to my quarters after a particularly gruelling session with Doctor Hojo. I was in quite some pain, and was almost upon the young man before I realised he was there. It was sheer instinct that made me hide my presence - I had no desire to speak to anyone.
He inadvertently revealed far more to me that night than I suppose he would ever have wanted to. I knew he was not well-liked at home, but after a time, I think I started chalking it up to his own inherent lack of self-esteem. It amazes me how he can constantly put himself and his skills down; how he himself is constantly amazed when he improves. He does not realise how skilled he is and most certainly does not realise how important he is to me.
Cloud is… a kind of precious gift, I think. I cannot be completely forsaken by the gods after all, if they have conspired to bring him into my life. He (despite what he might think) is intelligent, quick-witted and strong, physically and mentally. He seems to be lacking only in the emotional department, but that is something I cannot criticise him for without being a hypocrite.
In any case, coming here has opened my eyes to the fact that people can in fact not like him. I always knew it was possible, of course, especially after that incident, but it never fully registered with me. He always seemed resigned after that incident happened, but I did not think it was because he was used to it.
This time around, at least, they stopped short of physical violence. Cloud informed me that it was probably because of Zack’s presence, rather than them actually thinking he could be on Soldier Third Class level. The general consensus amongst his greatest detractors, he says, is that he slept his way to his current position, and if that were the case, don’t I think that he’d have asked to be Soldier First Class instead? I do not see how he can make a joke of this, but I suppose each person deals with such trials in different ways.
I personally would like to acquaint those brutes with Masamune. I shall, however, refrain, since Zack has been prohibited from going anywhere near them armed after he offered. I wish there was some way I could help along a few injuries without being personally involved. I know that Cloud is well-liked in his bunk, and the Soldiers Third Class have already begun to warm up to him. I think I must refrain from involving them, however. How then can I extract an appropriate revenge without it being known?
-Sephiroth
--
17/04
1900
Gloating is such an ugly thing to do, which explains why I waited till I gained the relative privacy of my room to do so.
The deed has been done, and it did not even require my interference. Those same boors who were insulting Cloud yesterday made the mistake of doing so once more - this time, within earshot of the two Soldiers Second Class we brought with us.
Needless to say, the latter two did not take well to their insulting Cloud, who has apparently become the baby of the Soldiers. Cloud’s certainly the youngest Soldier by far, but we didn’t think that would lead to just about all the Soldiers treating him like a younger brother. But with such treatment comes an inherent protectiveness, and therefore those young prats certainly received a rather harsh, painful lesson in manners.
Cloud had to pull Andrews and Michelson off them. I’m rather pleased with what happened. Naturally, the families of the louts complained, but I pointed out that there were a fair number of witnesses who agreed that the Soldiers were merely defending one of their own. That seemed to nip any more protests in the bud, but I nonetheless assured them that disciplinary action would be taken.
“Regardless of the outright hostility demonstrated towards one of our Soldiers, ShinRa does not allow its Soldiers to take matters into their own hands. Soldiers are expected to conduct themselves in a manner befitting their rank, and these two have flouted that. They will be punished appropriately, but I would like to request that you reign in those here who would attempt to hurt any of my men. Should the matter persist, I will be forced to step in personally,” I believe is what I said. I do think the families got the point - and I may or may not have looked a little cold as I said that.
I believe Andrews and Michelson are a little alarmed at the prospect of what I will do to them. I have no intention of telling them that I’m not going to do anything at all. Let them stew for a while. I meant what I said, and Soldiers do have to live up to their image. While I am pleased that they took the initiative in defending Cloud’s honour, I will not let their indiscretion while on duty slide.
So I suppose I will stop short of giving them a few days off, and instead, simply refrain from taking disciplinary action against them. But do you know - this saga and this anger I’ve felt towards those savages, have just about taken my mind off Doctor Hojo. It’s the first time I’ve thought about him in two days. Remarkable, considering he is generally always in the back of my mind. Perhaps I am starting to break away from his hold?
-Sephiroth
--
17/04
2200
As the soldiers would say, I’ve jinxed myself. I find myself now thinking of Doctor Hojo, and how he raised me. As far as I can remember, Doctor Hojo has always been there, telling me that I will become the perfect Soldier. I remember the daily doses of injections and the pain they caused.
Even now, as I write this, I can see the needle-marks on my arm. If someone were to see me now, I am sure they would think I was addicted to drugs of some sort. My veins have been permanently disfigured by the sheer number of injections I have been subject to. The mako does not allow for injuries, and so I suffer no pain now. But I can still see the veins and the sickly shade of green they have been stained, standing stark on white skin.
I do not like looking at my arms. Zack has commented more than a few times on my propensity for long-sleeved shirts and coats, even on a hot day, even in our quarters. I will not tell him this one thing, though. I need some semblance of privacy, or I shall go mad.
Doctor Hojo certainly never gave me any. Everything about me was available for study. I should be thankful, I suppose, that he never viewed me in anything more than a purely scientific light. But I always hated the way he stripped me bare literally and figuratively. I always hated the way he needed to know every little thing I experienced. I hated the way he raised me to think nothing but the best of all of ShinRa, the way he always told me that I was nothing more than an excellent tool.
He told me once that my mother didn’t know I existed. President ShinRa was there then, and he agreed, commenting idly that Jenova would not have wanted me to exist. Doctor Hojo laughed in that cruel fashion of his, and I am certain I missed something in that short byplay. But I played the good little puppet and kept my mouth shut even when the mako was burning in my veins.
I was told later on that Jenova was the name of my mother, but not to bother looking her up, for I would find no records. They were right. I wonder, though. Was my mother someone from the Slums? Perhaps someone who grew up on the streets? That would explain the lack of records. Am I the son of a prostitute, taken in because some cruel soul at ShinRa saw some invisible potential in me to become a good puppet?
I feel like a puppet controlling puppets. Is there such a thing as a puppet puppet-master? My poor Soldiers; if only they knew how I am told to view them.
I will not teach Cloud these things. I will teach him to value his men’s lives. I will teach him to create strategies that protect his men and his city. I will teach him that people cannot be sacrificed easily, no matter what Shinra might say. And I will teach him to have the strength to back up these beliefs.
I would like to see my mother some day, and ask her why she abandoned me. Everything that Doctor Hojo has said leads me to believe she is still alive, and willingly gave me into ShinRa’s ownership. I envy Cloud’s relationship with his mother; they obviously care for each other and their love is quite apparent.
I wonder what it would have been like for me, growing up with the love of a mother? I used to want a mother with every fibre of my being. The vague, faceless creature of my dreams would be kind and good and gentle to me. But now… I do not think I could love my mother, after seeing how Cloud’s mother treats him. I would be too resentful of what I have lost.
But can you lose something you never had? Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I would resent her for what she chose not to give to me.
Regardless of my feelings towards my mother, I now find myself wondering about my own origins. I cannot remember any life outside of ShinRa. I do know that Doctor Hojo mentioned someone named Gast on a few occasions, and not with any degree of fondness. Perhaps, rather than searching for Jenova, I should search for this Gast. If Doctor Hojo did not like him, it was probably because Gast knew something that he’d rather was kept private. Doctor Hojo is not the kind of person who cares what another thinks of him, and would not express such distaste for another without some similar reason.
When I return to Midgar, I shall search for any records of this mysterious Gast, then. Perhaps I will be able to uncover some of the mysteries surrounding my birth.
And as a note - the rain has become milder, and Zangan (who as it turns out is Tifa’s martial arts teacher) says that the rain will stop fully by tomorrow. He is the local expert on the clime here, apparently, and the villagers all say we can trust his predictions. Zangan did add that the way up to the reactor is likely to be far more treacherous now. He also suggested that we leave Tifa behind this time around, since we were more or less familiar with the route.
I suppose he doesn’t want to leave his prize pupil in a freak landslide, whereas it would be no skin of his back if Zack and I were to die. I don’t think he’s too fond of Soldiers, or ShinRa in general. I can’t say I blame him.
-Sephiroth
--
18/04
2030
I am far too tempted to simply barricade myself in that room there and refuse to come out again until I understand exactly what Doctor Hojo was doing. I might have done so today, was more than willing to. The only reason I didn’t was because it was Cloud on the other side of the door, pleading for me to come out and go back home.
How ironic that he calls it home, despite all this place has done to him. I asked him about it after dinner, and he replied that his home was where the people he cared about were. And so, he said, he had two homes; here in Nibelheim and one in Midgar, though the two seemed to have merged for now. That is an only slightly paraphrased quote, and the memory of the look on his face when he said that is burned into my head.
I think I worried Zack. I ought to apologise. He bothered to go down to the village to fetch Cloud. I don’t even recall hearing him at the door.
I want to cry again. I’ve done it. I cried just two nights ago. The proof is here in this book. But I can’t cry now, no matter how hard I try and bring myself to. I don’t think I can feel anything now; I’m too confused. I expect I’ll be furious later, when I have processed this.
Why would he do such a thing?
-Sephiroth
--
19/04
0015
I cannot sleep. What I discovered is imprinted in my brain, blazing far too brightly for me to sleep. They are words I do not think I will ever forget.
To pass the time, I shall reproduce some of what I discovered here, in the hopes of explaining my current state. I quote directly from the notes I found:
“Subject L has undergone severe weight loss, perhaps due to the phenomenal growth of the foetus. In two weeks it has reached the size that a normal baby would take a month to achieve.
Carrying the test is proving to be a strain on Subject L. She has been placed under intense surveillance and is being monitored for any changes - I am keeping an eye particularly on her heart rate and blood pressure. At this point in time, I do not foresee any complications, but as Subject L nears the end of her term, problems may arise with the foetus. If Subject L’s life is placed in danger, I will be forced to kill the foetus.”
I suspected upon reading that much, that that particular record was not kept by Doctor Hojo. True enough, the signature at the end of the report was that of one Professor Gast. And so the elusive Gast makes another appearance. At some point, I believe he abandoned this experiment with Subject L, at which moment Doctor Hojo took over.
The problem is that I think that the foetus in question is me. The Jenova Project was mentioned a few times. I do not believe it a coincidence that this project shares a name with my mother.
Further reading seemed to confirm the idea, though I have found nothing concrete as of yet. I must return there as soon as possible tomorrow, and continue my research. Zack tells me that there is something infinitely strange with the readings he’s getting from the storage facilities, but there is no time to be bothered with that myself. I must simply trust that he can handle it on his own.
-Sephiroth
--
19/04
0350
I am leaving now. I simply cannot wait any longer. The desire to know the truth is burning at me; the knowledge that I might, here, find out something to do with my origin. I hesitate now to say that I was born, because I do not believe my creation to be something so simple. I want to find out exactly what manner of creature I am.
I have a tape recorder with me, to play back the undamaged tapes I’ve found. I will take this journal with me today as well, and record as faithfully as possible my findings. Perhaps chronicling them here will help me sort them out better.
-Sephiroth
--
continued here
poco-a-poco.deviantart.com - new doujin circle I'm in. Check it out! [and comment!]
Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
Pairing: Some Cloud/Sephiroth
Rating: PG-13
Author's Notes: PLEASE READ!
Part Two of the Endymion trilogy! Part One, for new readers, can be found here. It, like this post, has been split into two sections due to its sheer size. Alternately, you can find it at fanfiction.net under the pen-name Daelan.
The most fundamental change I have made to this universe, despite all evidence to the contrary, is to do with Sephiroth. I maintain that the Nibelheim disaster occurred because he didn't have any parental figures in his life [Hojo does NOT count] when he was growing up. Certain other major changes have been made, such as making Cloud stronger as a cadet than he really was, but these are all geared towards the one huge change I want to make that makes this AU an AU. What that is... I'm not telling. But read this AN and read the fic and it's pretty obvious in the end.
That said, I hope you'll forgive the OOC. It needed to be done to make things turn out the way I needed them to. Chalk some of Cloud's skill up to being personally trained by Zack [as far as I can tell, he didn't do that in the original storyline] and the rest of it up to luck/author's license. *grins*
As mentioned earlier, this post has been split into two. Er, read this one first. There's a link to the continuation at the bottom, so don't worry about that. *grins*
I'm not as happy with this part as I was with Part One, but I think it's as good as it's going to get. It's supremely hard getting into his mind - for me, at least. I'm almost dreading the next part; I think that'll be worse...
But at any rate, enjoy!
Endymion
Part Two: Tiro
13/04
0715
I am not in the habit of keeping diaries, but this journal is the product of a suggestion made to me a while ago by Cloud. He seems to have noticed my rather perturbed state of mind lately, and suggested that writing things out might help me set my own thoughts in order. I find myself rather uncertain as to how this will help me, exactly, but I agreed to at least try it.
However, perhaps some background information is in order, before I explain anything else. I write this not only to help myself think things through, but also so that in the event of my death, those close to me might understand a little more about me. This, therefore, is for Zack and Cloud. I do not desire death, but it is a real possibility in my line of work.
We are in Nibelheim now, running a standard inspection on the mako reactor here in the mountains. There have been rather too many instances of reactors failing recently, and ShinRa has decided to step up inspections. The failed reactors have led to quite a number of problems, both on the Plate and in the Slums, and discontent is growing amongst the people. It is for that reason that President ShinRa decided to send me personally to inspect this reactor; as a sign to the people that ShinRa does indeed take its job seriously.
The platoon has been here three days now, and it was yesterday that Zack and I went up to the mako reactor. A local girl named Tifa accompanied us as a guide. She was competent, thankfully, and we reached the reactor earlier than expected. The checks also went well, although we will have to run a few more later today.
But I found myself with extra time on my hands, and while Zack was running the last checks on the reactor’s X-243 system, I decided to have a look around the place to see if there were any visible leaks anywhere. There have been reports of monsters in the region which could very possibly have been created by mutation via mako contamination.
I knew that Doctor Hojo had conducted some mako-related experiments in the region in the past, and therefore theorised that any leaks could possibly be due to his enthusiasm in obtaining fresh mako. I know better than most what lengths he will go to in order to obtain fresh samples of mako. I know too, what he does with it.
In any case, I went to the old ShinRa mansion in Nibelheim. It has long since been abandoned, but I hoped to find old records of what experiments had been carried out here in the past. In the belief that no one save those I choose will ever see this, I will state here now that I would not put it past Doctor Hojo to have deliberately created the monsters that reportedly terrorise the region now. The locals claim that the mountains are no longer safe; a cause for worry, since they depend on the mountain passes for their supplies and trade.
I did find some things of great interest in the mansion. Doctor Hojo’s personal notes, in fact, far more than I ever thought I would discover. They detail a great number of experiments, not all of them ethical. I had not the time to read through them in great detail, but I believe I saw some notes on human experimentation. I believe this may have been the precursor to what is now an accepted field of study - mako-based enhancement. I am, however, fairly sure that at the time, such study was illegal.
I plan on returning today and making a more thorough examination of his notes, in order to determine exactly what he was doing. For now, however, Zack is here and waiting for me to leave. I will further elaborate on what I have found once I am sure of my facts.
-Sephiroth
--
13/04
2050
It would be a grave mistake to assume that the only reason I have been somewhat unsettled of late is because of what I have found at the mansion. Cloud, if ever you read this - your mother is a formidable woman. I cannot claim to understand her, but I think I can somewhat understand now, how you could have grown up the way you have. And yet, at the same time, I feel as if I am treading a minefield whenever I speak to her.
No doubt if you are reading this, Zack, you will want to tell Cloud. Please do refrain from doing so.
But leaving aside that topic, let me write now on what I found today. I asked Zack to take care of most of the checks today, personally running only a brief scan of the Alpha system. It reported no problems with the pipes, so if there is a leak, that is not where the problem lies.
I believe I may have worried Zack a little with the way I disappeared immediately after I had checked the Alpha system. If I did, I must apologise. I proceeded to the basement of the ShinRa mansion to continue my personal investigation into Doctor Hojo’s old records.
Unfortunately, Doctor Hojo does not appear to have been much for order. Time has also taken its toll, so I find myself faced with the unenviable task of sorting through all the notes. I have already removed the notes that are beyond salvage, for some have been quite thoroughly destroyed by water and insects. The remainder I have secured in the basement. Tomorrow, I will attempt to sort through them and at least place them in chronological order. If nothing else, Doctor Hojo does at least note the dates of all his experiments, so the only thing that stands in the way of a quick sorting is the sheer volume of notes.
There were a fair number of old tapes as well, undoubtedly made during experiments when he had his hands - literally - full. I must see if I can procure a tape recorder before going back up tomorrow. If I cannot, I will simply sort through the handwritten notes and see if there is anything that bears further investigation. In that event, I will find a way to bring the tapes back to Midgar to study them. There is a risk involved with that, of course. Doctor Hojo always seems to know what I am up to while in ShinRa. He regards me as a prize specimen, I feel. It is not a sensation I enjoy, but it is something I must take into account.
-Sephiroth
--
14/04
2130
Today, for the first time in a long while, I found myself having a pleasant meal with people I could consider family. I have missed these meals with Zack and Cloud, far more than I think even they know. They provide me with a kind of normalcy that is sorely lacking in my life. I do not believe that President Shinra wants me to be normal; I believe he wants me to always be extraordinary, to stand out from the crowd, the perfect figurehead, and thus have I been groomed. But I find myself craving these moments in which I can be human, and I find myself grateful for the company of these two men.
We dined with Cloud’s mother. Again, the minefield, but I think I made a good impression on her. At the very least, she refrained from throwing sharp things at me, which has to be a good sign.
I had little luck today with sorting through Doctor Hojo’s notes. I was barely down in the basement for half an hour or so when someone rapped at the door. As it turned out, Zack had discovered some anomalies during what ought to have been a routine check. We made a search of the premises, but none of the storage facilities seem to have any visible defects. Tomorrow we will have to run a more thorough check. As I write this, Zack is prepping the equipment we will need for tomorrow.
I admit here to feeling somewhat uneasy about what lies ahead. Perhaps it is merely because these are Doctor Hojo’s notes that I am looking through, because this is where he conducted some of his experiments. Whatever the reason, I find myself loathe to return tomorrow.
-Sephiroth
--
14/04
2240
Cloud has just been in here asking me what Zack and I will be doing tomorrow. I refrained from providing too many details, but the lad is quick enough on the uptake to almost immediately realise we discovered something wrong with the reactor. Or maybe I should be working on hiding my emotions more; perhaps I’m slipping.
We spoke for well over an hour (not all about work, thankfully) and he has only just left after we realised the time. The imp had the gall to apologise for making me lose my beauty sleep and then running off before I could deliver retribution.
Somehow, he has successfully managed to lighten my mood. I no longer quite fear the coming day.
-Sephiroth
--
15/04
1300
As it turns out, we have been stranded here in Nibelheim today. The rain does not appear to be letting up, and the storm is violent enough that the pathway up to the reactor will be all but impassable. One of the locals, Zangan, assures us that the rain will continue for at least another day. We have also been duly cautioned that landslides are a real possibility, even after the rains stop.
So here we sit in enforced lassitude. Or I do, at any rate. Zack seems to have meandered down to the bar. No doubt he’s thanking his lucky stars that he is bunking here in the inn, as opposed to being out in the field. We have had to bring in the soldiers and tents because of the severity of the storm, and it is a positive madhouse downstairs in the pub area. Some of the villagers have offered to put up the soldiers for the night in their homes. I am merely thankful that we brought only a small group here.
A note here, for posterity’s sake - we have with us only a small group, consisting of two Soldiers Second Class, their five trainees, and some few gendarmerie. Zack and I are in charge of this motley crew, who were chosen mainly because the majority of them are either used to mountain regions, or have experience dealing with mako. And of course, Cloud is with us as well, as Zack’s trainee.
I find myself rather craving some of the wonderful food provided here, but at the same time, I do not wish to face the crowd. Perhaps all Doctor Hojo’s grooming has done is to cause me to withdraw into myself. The great leader he envisioned would rather sit alone in his room, a fact I am sure would cause him great consternation. I find I do not much care though - and someone is knocking at my door. A moment.
A moment has in fact been a few hours, and tumultuous ones at that. More and more these days, I suspect Cloud of… there is no elegant way of phrasing this. It seems almost as if he is flirting with me. Perhaps I am reading too deeply into some of his words and actions, and perhaps I am rather too greatly influenced by my own desires, but nonetheless - there is that suspicion of mine.
And that is all it shall remain.
This has turned out to be more of a personal journal than the record-book of Doctor Hojo’s notes that I originally intended for it to be. But no matter; this writing is cathartic in a sense. Perhaps this is part of the reason why Cloud always enjoyed writing home. It helps that he had someone so wise to write to, of course. It helps that he had anyone at all to write to. I can make no such claim and so I write to myself.
There is something vaguely pathetic about that.
-Sephiroth
--
15/04
1806:15
I am literally counting down the seconds. Will this rain never cease? If anything, it seems to have intensified. I do not think I am made for extended periods of inactivity. At least when I had paperwork to do I had something to think about, even if I couldn’t be physically active.
Where is Cloud when I need him?
No knock at the door. I suppose I cannot expect him to be psychic all the time. I have been reduced to polishing Masamune to pass the time. I am greatly attached to this sword of mine, unwieldy great hunk of metal though it may be - but not to the extent of spending an entire day on it!
And yet, I know what will happen if I go downstairs. The inevitable hush, the stares and mutters. Disdain, awe, there is little difference between the two. I would rather boredom over inflicting that upon myself voluntarily.
I find myself wondering what exactly Doctor Hojo’s notes contain. I know that he moved to Midgar only a few years after my birth, and he has often enough told me that he has been grooming me since birth, upon President Shinra’s orders. Is it possible then, that I was born here in Nibelheim? Indeed, that there may be records of my birth, lost somewhere within his notes on his experiments? That, more than anything else, may be what drives me to search through all his notes.
If a person knows only their mother’s name, does not know their father and is loved by none, does that person exist?
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
0200
I am crying.
It has been so long since I have done anything of the sort. I had almost forgotten what it was like.
I am crying now because of a dream I had. It sounds so infantile when I put it like that, and yet I cannot help myself.
The tears have more or less stopped now. I am alternately watching the clock and writing. There is not much to do now, and I cannot seem to get back to sleep.
I have never had a dream of this ilk before. Nightmares, of course, I know what people call them. But can it be a nightmare when it is something that could easily happen in real life? Perhaps it still is a nightmare even then, just a bad dream, right up until the moment it comes true and then it’s just cruel reality and I cannot cry.
Is that why I am crying now?
I do not want to put Cloud in any sort of danger. But is that not what he signed up for when he joined the military? Who am I to try and protect him? I have no claim.
None, but I long for one.
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
0800
Still the rain.
I have not been to sleep since I last wrote. The sandman seems not to favour me this day.
I am my usual self now, or so I would hope. In a few moments, I think I shall head down to breakfast, which is served considerably later than what I am used to. I have waited even longer to let the masses clear out into the bar. Hopefully, when I go down, the dining area will be rather much emptier.
If not, a few well-placed glares should ensure at least a little privacy for my breakfast. Perhaps I can coax Zack into sitting with me a while.
-Sephiroth
--
16/04
2130
Some of the people here infuriate me. I knew that Cloud was not popular here, but I never expected such a degree of loathing as what I witnessed today.
That night in Midgar… I was on my way back to my quarters after a particularly gruelling session with Doctor Hojo. I was in quite some pain, and was almost upon the young man before I realised he was there. It was sheer instinct that made me hide my presence - I had no desire to speak to anyone.
He inadvertently revealed far more to me that night than I suppose he would ever have wanted to. I knew he was not well-liked at home, but after a time, I think I started chalking it up to his own inherent lack of self-esteem. It amazes me how he can constantly put himself and his skills down; how he himself is constantly amazed when he improves. He does not realise how skilled he is and most certainly does not realise how important he is to me.
Cloud is… a kind of precious gift, I think. I cannot be completely forsaken by the gods after all, if they have conspired to bring him into my life. He (despite what he might think) is intelligent, quick-witted and strong, physically and mentally. He seems to be lacking only in the emotional department, but that is something I cannot criticise him for without being a hypocrite.
In any case, coming here has opened my eyes to the fact that people can in fact not like him. I always knew it was possible, of course, especially after that incident, but it never fully registered with me. He always seemed resigned after that incident happened, but I did not think it was because he was used to it.
This time around, at least, they stopped short of physical violence. Cloud informed me that it was probably because of Zack’s presence, rather than them actually thinking he could be on Soldier Third Class level. The general consensus amongst his greatest detractors, he says, is that he slept his way to his current position, and if that were the case, don’t I think that he’d have asked to be Soldier First Class instead? I do not see how he can make a joke of this, but I suppose each person deals with such trials in different ways.
I personally would like to acquaint those brutes with Masamune. I shall, however, refrain, since Zack has been prohibited from going anywhere near them armed after he offered. I wish there was some way I could help along a few injuries without being personally involved. I know that Cloud is well-liked in his bunk, and the Soldiers Third Class have already begun to warm up to him. I think I must refrain from involving them, however. How then can I extract an appropriate revenge without it being known?
-Sephiroth
--
17/04
1900
Gloating is such an ugly thing to do, which explains why I waited till I gained the relative privacy of my room to do so.
The deed has been done, and it did not even require my interference. Those same boors who were insulting Cloud yesterday made the mistake of doing so once more - this time, within earshot of the two Soldiers Second Class we brought with us.
Needless to say, the latter two did not take well to their insulting Cloud, who has apparently become the baby of the Soldiers. Cloud’s certainly the youngest Soldier by far, but we didn’t think that would lead to just about all the Soldiers treating him like a younger brother. But with such treatment comes an inherent protectiveness, and therefore those young prats certainly received a rather harsh, painful lesson in manners.
Cloud had to pull Andrews and Michelson off them. I’m rather pleased with what happened. Naturally, the families of the louts complained, but I pointed out that there were a fair number of witnesses who agreed that the Soldiers were merely defending one of their own. That seemed to nip any more protests in the bud, but I nonetheless assured them that disciplinary action would be taken.
“Regardless of the outright hostility demonstrated towards one of our Soldiers, ShinRa does not allow its Soldiers to take matters into their own hands. Soldiers are expected to conduct themselves in a manner befitting their rank, and these two have flouted that. They will be punished appropriately, but I would like to request that you reign in those here who would attempt to hurt any of my men. Should the matter persist, I will be forced to step in personally,” I believe is what I said. I do think the families got the point - and I may or may not have looked a little cold as I said that.
I believe Andrews and Michelson are a little alarmed at the prospect of what I will do to them. I have no intention of telling them that I’m not going to do anything at all. Let them stew for a while. I meant what I said, and Soldiers do have to live up to their image. While I am pleased that they took the initiative in defending Cloud’s honour, I will not let their indiscretion while on duty slide.
So I suppose I will stop short of giving them a few days off, and instead, simply refrain from taking disciplinary action against them. But do you know - this saga and this anger I’ve felt towards those savages, have just about taken my mind off Doctor Hojo. It’s the first time I’ve thought about him in two days. Remarkable, considering he is generally always in the back of my mind. Perhaps I am starting to break away from his hold?
-Sephiroth
--
17/04
2200
As the soldiers would say, I’ve jinxed myself. I find myself now thinking of Doctor Hojo, and how he raised me. As far as I can remember, Doctor Hojo has always been there, telling me that I will become the perfect Soldier. I remember the daily doses of injections and the pain they caused.
Even now, as I write this, I can see the needle-marks on my arm. If someone were to see me now, I am sure they would think I was addicted to drugs of some sort. My veins have been permanently disfigured by the sheer number of injections I have been subject to. The mako does not allow for injuries, and so I suffer no pain now. But I can still see the veins and the sickly shade of green they have been stained, standing stark on white skin.
I do not like looking at my arms. Zack has commented more than a few times on my propensity for long-sleeved shirts and coats, even on a hot day, even in our quarters. I will not tell him this one thing, though. I need some semblance of privacy, or I shall go mad.
Doctor Hojo certainly never gave me any. Everything about me was available for study. I should be thankful, I suppose, that he never viewed me in anything more than a purely scientific light. But I always hated the way he stripped me bare literally and figuratively. I always hated the way he needed to know every little thing I experienced. I hated the way he raised me to think nothing but the best of all of ShinRa, the way he always told me that I was nothing more than an excellent tool.
He told me once that my mother didn’t know I existed. President ShinRa was there then, and he agreed, commenting idly that Jenova would not have wanted me to exist. Doctor Hojo laughed in that cruel fashion of his, and I am certain I missed something in that short byplay. But I played the good little puppet and kept my mouth shut even when the mako was burning in my veins.
I was told later on that Jenova was the name of my mother, but not to bother looking her up, for I would find no records. They were right. I wonder, though. Was my mother someone from the Slums? Perhaps someone who grew up on the streets? That would explain the lack of records. Am I the son of a prostitute, taken in because some cruel soul at ShinRa saw some invisible potential in me to become a good puppet?
I feel like a puppet controlling puppets. Is there such a thing as a puppet puppet-master? My poor Soldiers; if only they knew how I am told to view them.
I will not teach Cloud these things. I will teach him to value his men’s lives. I will teach him to create strategies that protect his men and his city. I will teach him that people cannot be sacrificed easily, no matter what Shinra might say. And I will teach him to have the strength to back up these beliefs.
I would like to see my mother some day, and ask her why she abandoned me. Everything that Doctor Hojo has said leads me to believe she is still alive, and willingly gave me into ShinRa’s ownership. I envy Cloud’s relationship with his mother; they obviously care for each other and their love is quite apparent.
I wonder what it would have been like for me, growing up with the love of a mother? I used to want a mother with every fibre of my being. The vague, faceless creature of my dreams would be kind and good and gentle to me. But now… I do not think I could love my mother, after seeing how Cloud’s mother treats him. I would be too resentful of what I have lost.
But can you lose something you never had? Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I would resent her for what she chose not to give to me.
Regardless of my feelings towards my mother, I now find myself wondering about my own origins. I cannot remember any life outside of ShinRa. I do know that Doctor Hojo mentioned someone named Gast on a few occasions, and not with any degree of fondness. Perhaps, rather than searching for Jenova, I should search for this Gast. If Doctor Hojo did not like him, it was probably because Gast knew something that he’d rather was kept private. Doctor Hojo is not the kind of person who cares what another thinks of him, and would not express such distaste for another without some similar reason.
When I return to Midgar, I shall search for any records of this mysterious Gast, then. Perhaps I will be able to uncover some of the mysteries surrounding my birth.
And as a note - the rain has become milder, and Zangan (who as it turns out is Tifa’s martial arts teacher) says that the rain will stop fully by tomorrow. He is the local expert on the clime here, apparently, and the villagers all say we can trust his predictions. Zangan did add that the way up to the reactor is likely to be far more treacherous now. He also suggested that we leave Tifa behind this time around, since we were more or less familiar with the route.
I suppose he doesn’t want to leave his prize pupil in a freak landslide, whereas it would be no skin of his back if Zack and I were to die. I don’t think he’s too fond of Soldiers, or ShinRa in general. I can’t say I blame him.
-Sephiroth
--
18/04
2030
I am far too tempted to simply barricade myself in that room there and refuse to come out again until I understand exactly what Doctor Hojo was doing. I might have done so today, was more than willing to. The only reason I didn’t was because it was Cloud on the other side of the door, pleading for me to come out and go back home.
How ironic that he calls it home, despite all this place has done to him. I asked him about it after dinner, and he replied that his home was where the people he cared about were. And so, he said, he had two homes; here in Nibelheim and one in Midgar, though the two seemed to have merged for now. That is an only slightly paraphrased quote, and the memory of the look on his face when he said that is burned into my head.
I think I worried Zack. I ought to apologise. He bothered to go down to the village to fetch Cloud. I don’t even recall hearing him at the door.
I want to cry again. I’ve done it. I cried just two nights ago. The proof is here in this book. But I can’t cry now, no matter how hard I try and bring myself to. I don’t think I can feel anything now; I’m too confused. I expect I’ll be furious later, when I have processed this.
Why would he do such a thing?
-Sephiroth
--
19/04
0015
I cannot sleep. What I discovered is imprinted in my brain, blazing far too brightly for me to sleep. They are words I do not think I will ever forget.
To pass the time, I shall reproduce some of what I discovered here, in the hopes of explaining my current state. I quote directly from the notes I found:
“Subject L has undergone severe weight loss, perhaps due to the phenomenal growth of the foetus. In two weeks it has reached the size that a normal baby would take a month to achieve.
Carrying the test is proving to be a strain on Subject L. She has been placed under intense surveillance and is being monitored for any changes - I am keeping an eye particularly on her heart rate and blood pressure. At this point in time, I do not foresee any complications, but as Subject L nears the end of her term, problems may arise with the foetus. If Subject L’s life is placed in danger, I will be forced to kill the foetus.”
I suspected upon reading that much, that that particular record was not kept by Doctor Hojo. True enough, the signature at the end of the report was that of one Professor Gast. And so the elusive Gast makes another appearance. At some point, I believe he abandoned this experiment with Subject L, at which moment Doctor Hojo took over.
The problem is that I think that the foetus in question is me. The Jenova Project was mentioned a few times. I do not believe it a coincidence that this project shares a name with my mother.
Further reading seemed to confirm the idea, though I have found nothing concrete as of yet. I must return there as soon as possible tomorrow, and continue my research. Zack tells me that there is something infinitely strange with the readings he’s getting from the storage facilities, but there is no time to be bothered with that myself. I must simply trust that he can handle it on his own.
-Sephiroth
--
19/04
0350
I am leaving now. I simply cannot wait any longer. The desire to know the truth is burning at me; the knowledge that I might, here, find out something to do with my origin. I hesitate now to say that I was born, because I do not believe my creation to be something so simple. I want to find out exactly what manner of creature I am.
I have a tape recorder with me, to play back the undamaged tapes I’ve found. I will take this journal with me today as well, and record as faithfully as possible my findings. Perhaps chronicling them here will help me sort them out better.
-Sephiroth
--
continued here