Fanfic - Endymion: Solacium (II) [Final Fantasy VII: Cloud/Sephiroth]
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Endymion
Part One: Solacium
...continued from this post
Dear Mother,
You worry too much! Don’t worry; it’s nothing of the sort. It’s nice to know you’re not homophobic, but I’m not in a relationship with Zachary. I highly doubt he’s looking for a relationship with me either; he’s got a girlfriend called Aeris. They’ve been going out for a couple of months now and he seems pretty serious about her. And to answer your other question, no, the General doesn’t have a significant other, as far as I know. He’s the sort you’d say was married to their work. I don’t think he’s ever even entertained the thought.
Speaking of the General, it turns out he was there after all, on Saturday. He seemed as surprised as we were to see him when we came in. Apparently he’d finished work early for once and had been planning on just getting some rest at home. Would you believe he was actually planning on skipping dinner? Of course, the smell of my beef stir-fry convinced him to join Zachary and myself. I rather outdid myself with that, I think. Zachary managed to get pretty fresh produce (I’d given him the list of ingredients I’d need earlier) in the morning when I was still having P.T. I even made a butter cake and popped it in to bake while we ate dinner. It was done just about when we were, so it made a perfect dessert. And Zachary’s just grateful he’ll have something nice to eat at home… until the rest of the cake is finished and he comes crawling to me to make more.
Maybe I should forget about being a Soldier and just become a cook here. If I made good food, popular demand would ensure I stay here and get paid well.
General Sephiroth proved to be unexpectedly good company. I stayed at Zachary’s till quite late (we have Sundays off, just like school). Earlier on, I’d managed to hold Zachary off for a good ten minutes when we were sparring, and he proceeded to tell the General about every little detail of our spar. I was just doing my best imitation of a tomato and attempting to disappear through the couch (I don’t think I did that well, and Zachary was pointing out everything I’d done wrong as well!) when General Sephiroth looked over at me and said, “Well done then! There aren’t many who could hold off Zachary for that long.”
And then to make things worse, Zachary nods and agrees like a proud mother bird that’s just shoved her chick out of the nest and seen it spread its wings. Which is what he reminds me of, really. I don’t appreciate being compared to a chick (I’d definitely be called a chocobo chick, don’t you think?) but it’s such an uncannily accurate description of our relationship, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to come up with it.
In any case. It’s only just sunk in. General Sephiroth praised me.
Excuse me while I go look out the window for flying pigs.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Why on earth would you want to know more about my wonderful night out with the General and Zack?
But far be it for me to deny you your whims. I’ll detail my day to you then:
In the morning, I had P.T. with my class, as per normal. This is not the part you’re interested in, so I’ll gloss over it. P.T. went well, and I was still feeling fresh by the time we were done. That was a good thing, as it turned out, because after lunch I was supposed to meet Zack at the gym to do some weights training. I was feeling considerably less fresh by the time that was done, and after that we had a spar. That lasted all of ten minutes, since I was tired already, as if I stood any chance against him when I was fresh. After the spar, we spent an hour or so going over the fight, working out my weak points and figuring out how I could improve myself.
After that, I went back to my quarters with Zack, who promptly made himself at home on my bed and stole one of my books to read. I had a quick shower, changed and joined him; then we walked over to his quarters (after I’d pried the book out of his hands). We walked in the door and were surprised to see General Sephiroth sitting there in the living room. He seemed surprised to see us too, anyway. And here’s the part that you said you wanted a scene-by-scene replay of, right? So here goes:
I walked in after Zack and nearly crashed into his back, because he’d stopped just inside the door. Peering around him, the first thing I saw was silver. General Sephiroth’s hair is always the first thing I notice about him; I suspect most people are the same way. The next thing I noticed was his eyes, which were still as sad as ever, but now also seemed faintly surprised. (That’s something I don’t think most people notice, the sadness.) He spotted me and enquired as to what I was doing there, whereupon Zack explained that he’d conned me into cooking him dinner.
I’ll admit I’m puzzled about Sephiroth’s reaction to that. His jaw actually tightened, as if he was unhappy about that. I didn’t think it was such a big deal that Zack had invited me over, really, but I suppose that General Sephiroth’s the sort of person who values his privacy. I don’t think he took kindly to me intruding on that privacy, because, after all, there’s no place more private for him than his own quarters.
Zack says that General Sephiroth actually qualified for his own quarters, without having to share with anyone, but for some obscure reason, had agreed to stay with Zack when he’d asked. This explanation actually came earlier in the day, but I think it fits this place in my narrative.
In any case, that brief moment of displeasure vanished quickly and then General Sephiroth was rising and inviting me in cordially. Zack closed the door and pulled me off to the kitchen, talking about how he’d managed to get some good, fresh food that morning. When I inspected it, I found that the broccoli wasn’t the best it could have been, but the rest of the stuff was decent enough, so I started preparing the stir-fry.
Zack and the General stayed in the kitchen while I cooked. I discovered that while Zack might wield a sword big enough to be the butcher’s knife of the sword world, he has absolutely no finesse when it comes to slicing meat. I learned this the hard way and subsequently had to chase Zack away from the food whenever he protested that he could help me. You know my stir-fry - most of the work is in the preparation, but it’s easy to cook once all the cutting’s done. I will say here that the General seemed somewhat amused at the sight of me chasing a grown man around his own kitchen telling him to stay away from the beef if he knew what was good for him. In retrospect, it probably was quite funny, wasn’t it?
I don’t think you want to know about what we spoke of, exactly. The General did complain about the amount of paperwork he’s had to do lately. Too many mako reactors are having problems, if not outright failing, and the brass isn’t happy. Of course, it’s fallen on the General to get things sorted out, but that’s meant a copious amount of paperwork. Zack was most unhelpful on that matter, electing to laugh at the General rather than offer constructive advice. I told the General that he could always delegate some of the paperwork to his subordinates; perhaps some Soldiers that he trusted, such as Zack, for instance. That shut Zack up properly, and he looked absolutely horrified - even more so when General Sephiroth said that he’d certainly have to consider that idea, and that it had great merit. It was far too fun baiting Zack, but he really just set himself up for it.
I also discovered over the course of the dinner that the General and I have much the same sense of humour - you know, dry and not very easily discernable, kind of deadpan. This led to numerous concerted attacks on Zack, who eventually decided that he was washing his hands of us and proceeded to sulk. I had to win him over with my butter cake, which thankfully came out quite well. It’s almost up to the standard of yours, mother!
In any case, the General and Zack both agreed that they’d never eaten so well before. I’ll believe the General on that count, since he’s grown up with the military (and therefore with horrible food) but I’m sceptical about Zack. The fact remained that they’d definitely enjoyed it, if the way both of them gave the saucepan dirty looks when it was empty was any indication.
After that, we sat around the living room and I think the General had just about forgotten that he didn’t originally want me there in his house. At any rate, he treated me very well. He’s certainly different in private. I think he’s so used to putting on a persona when he goes out that he can only let himself be himself at home. And even then, he’s not entirely sure how to be himself, because the mask is so much a part of him that he doesn’t know where the mask ends and where he begins. But he was nice to me, and I’m astounded to find myself really liking him, the way I like Zack.
Remember how I said once that I thought the General and I would get along famously if only we were of equal rank? Saturday night proved me right, I think, even if we were still on completely different levels. I’d never dreamed I’d have the opportunity to get to know him while I was still a private, mother. It’s like a dream come true, to be horribly clichéd.
I can’t say that we’re friends now, but he acknowledges me by name when we pass each other by in the corridors, and his eyes are just a fraction less cold when he looks at me, and that’s enough for me.
To round up that night: I left at around eleven. Zack insisted that I had to come around more often, and that both he and General Sephiroth would be more than glad to have me drop by anytime, even if I didn’t schedule anything with them before hand. In other words, he clarified when I looked at him blankly, I was welcome to drop by uninvited - because as far as he was concerned, I had a standing invitation to his quarters. I was about to point out that he couldn’t very well speak for the General, when the General himself added his assent to that statement. That, I’ll admit, left me flummoxed enough that I agreed without realising. I also agreed to come over on Saturdays and make them dinner. I have a feeling this is going to become a new ritual, and it’s one I’m looking forward to. General Sephiroth is so much more human at home, and such enjoyable company, and Zack’s just fun to be around all the time.
I hope this sates your curiosity?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I still don’t understand why you wanted that replay of that first Saturday, or why you sounded so smug when you wrote “I knew it!” You didn’t even explain that - what did you know? And why do I know you’re not going to explain it to me?
Two more Saturdays at Zack’s, one with the General and one sort-of without. Last week, he wasn’t home when I went over. In fact, it was when I was leaving that I saw him. I usually walk back to my quarters myself (Zack only sees me to the door). I like walking myself anyway, and I had to assure him that I was perfectly fine walking back myself. He’s worried that there may be some cadets who don’t appreciate my friendship with him, since he’s of such a high rank. There are rumours of favouritism floating around, I know, but all that’s done is ensure that the instructors put me through even more stringent tests than most people go through. Still, I pass them and I’m grateful for the opportunity to improve, so I’m not complaining. The instructors seem to like the way I’m progressing too.
And I digress. I saw General Sephiroth as I was leaving the block in which Zack’s quarters are located. My own dorms are in Barrack H, which is behind that block, so I was just turning the corner when I almost literally ran into the General. He didn’t seem that surprised to see me, and I suspect he sensed me coming. For whatever reason, he let me crash into him. I really have to learn how to sense the presence of people…
Anyway, so he caught and steadied me and once I was over my surprise, he said that he was sorry he couldn’t make it home earlier today. Let me see if I can remember the conversation (I have it almost memorised, I’ve been thinking about it so much):
“I apologise for not being able to make it back earlier, Cloud,” he said to me. He speaks that way, sort of formal and reserved in his speech and tone and choice of words. Everything about him speaks of restraint, really; restrained power. Or restrained anger, I’m not sure which.
So I replied, “Oh, it’s not a problem. I guess your work held you up?”
Then he frowned slightly and said, “Rather. The same problem I’ve mentioned before.” Note that through this whole thing he was still holding me by the elbow, and he was surprisingly gentle about it. So much so, in fact, that I didn’t even realise it.
To that, I brilliantly replied, “Oh.” Insert short pause here, during which time I became aware that he actually looked tired. It was completely understandable, of course, but it was something unheard of to think of General Sephiroth as merely human. You just don’t think of him being tired or anything, it’s almost blasphemous. But that’s what he looked like, like he wanted nothing more than to go home and collapse in bed without even changing or anything. This was also the moment when I realised that he was still holding onto my elbow. He saw me looking at his hand, but he only tightened his grip slightly instead of letting go.
“Perhaps you could come over tomorrow instead,” he then suggested softly. Really, I had to lean forward to hear him, that’s how softly he spoke. Almost as if he was nervous about saying it. Of course I replied, “I’d love to! I can’t stay till too late though, so maybe in the afternoon?”
He actually seemed pleased that I’d agreed, and finally let go of my arm. “That will be fine,” he agreed. “I will be home after noon.”
“I’ll make lunch,” I volunteered then. “If Zack can get some food by tomorrow. Just tell him to buy some meat and vegetables, and I’ll try and make something decent.”
“That would be wonderful.” - that was Sephiroth.
Then (pay attention, this is the reason I keep replaying this conversation in my head) I said, “I’ll see you tomorrow then, General Sephiroth.” That’s how I address him, because he deserves respect and anyway, he outranks me so I have to. Even when it’s just the three (or two) of us, I don’t want to be presumptuous and call him by his name, and I’m sure you’ll agree it’s prudent for me to do so, right? I don’t think I’ve ever referred to him as just “Sephiroth” before.
Anyway, then his eyes positively flashed, and he seemed really angry. That was just for the briefest of seconds though, and then he was calm again and said, “You’re allowed to call me Sephiroth, Cloud. I believe you’ve earned that right.”
Then he brushed by me and disappeared up the staircase, leaving me completely flummoxed down there. It took me a good few minutes to come to my senses and think that maybe yes, I should be getting back to the barracks after all.
I was sort of apprehensive about the next day, and yet looking forward to it. As it turned out, I couldn’t make it after all because Captain Jackson decided to hold extra P.T. for us. Someone goofed off a bit too much last break and some civilians complained, so the whole squad doesn’t have the next four weekends off. I didn’t know anyone I could send to tell Zack and General Sephiroth, so I had to just stand them up (rude of me, wasn’t it?). I did see Zack before class yesterday - Monday - though, so I explained to him and told him to apologise to the General on my behalf.
And here’s the other reason that I’m puzzled about our conversation. Zack said that the General had really been looking forward to my visit on Sunday, and was upset when I didn’t show up.
That, to me, sounds like someone who’s anticipating a person’s visit. As in, it almost sounds like General Sephiroth genuinely likes me, not just as Zack’s friend, but as a person in my own right. Am I being too egoistical thinking that?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Explain the insane cackling, will you? I do not understand what you’re on about! And don’t say, “You know perfectly well what I’m talking about, don’t you?” because I don’t!
Now that that’s out of the way, I’ve been wanting to tell you about another encounter I had with General Sephiroth. I hope you don’t mind me writing all these things to you, mother, but you’re the only one I could think of who would understand how I think.
So the General - or Sephiroth, as he insists I call him (when we’re in private) - sent for me the other day. Not the most brilliant of moves, considering we were having lessons when Zack arrived with the message that the General wanted to see Cloud Strife, yes, that very moment, he’s sorry about the inconvenience, pack up your things, Cloud, you won’t be coming back till evening. This was just yesterday, on Saturday, and we were having our extra P.T. then, you see. So naturally I wasn’t too upset about being pulled out of lessons, and followed Zack quite happily.
When we’re a safe distance away from the hall, he turns to me and tells me to go to his house by myself, saying that he needs to attend a debriefing and will catch up with me later. So off I traipse to their quarters, wondering what on earth Sephiroth could possibly want with me, and feeling a little naked without Zack to hide behind.
But he was so nice. Sephiroth, I mean. When I knocked on the door, he opened it almost instantly, like he’d been waiting for me or something. And get this - when I asked why he’d asked for me, he actually laughed.
It’s a very nice sound, but I digress.
Turns out that he and Zack had decided to rescue me from lessons. If anyone asked what he’d wanted with me, I was to say it was classified. As if anyone would press further after that! And in the meantime I had a Saturday off to enjoy with Zack and Sephiroth, except Zack had to go for an unexpected debriefing and therefore wouldn’t be there for a couple of hours yet.
So that left Sephiroth and myself to entertain ourselves, and oddly, we got along fabulously well. He was the perfect host, offering me drinks when I sat down and all that. And they’d bought some biscuits, to go with the tea he made us. It’s such an odd image; him being domestic. But it’s such a nice image, all the same. The tea was delicious too, though not quite on par with your orange tea, I have to admit. I told him I’d teach him how to make your ginger oolong tea someday, and he seemed pleased at the prospect.
I wanted to know if they’d want me to cook lunch or dinner or something (I was perfectly willing and I meant it as a serious question). Sephiroth just started joking about it, saying that pretty soon they’d have to start paying me wages to come in and cook for them everyday so they didn’t die of starvation or food poisoning. I was just telling him that they’d have to put in extra hours at the gym if I let them eat too well when the door opens and in comes Zack, bearing a huge cake and wearing a huge grin on his face.
I don’t know how those prats discovered it was my birthday, but I love them for it. Remember how I said surprise birthday parties probably wouldn’t sit well with me? Well, this one did! It was just the three of us, a very low-key celebration that mostly consisted of pigging out on cake and me tearing into the presents they got me. Well, they insisted I open them there, so I did! And they were brilliant, mother, really! Zack got me a book on sword-fighting with large swords; I think he realised I’m in lust with Buster Blade, and he knows I love to read, besides. I’m just about halfway through the book now and it’s completely engrossing, I love it.
And Sephiroth! He gave me Materia! A Fire2, in fact, which is well beyond anything they’ve ever shown us. He said that he’d teach me how to use Materia, since Zack’s handling the physical aspect of my training. So that Materia’s mine, and as if that weren’t enough, he gave me this beautiful charm bracelet as well. Just a single heart-shaped charm on it at the moment, and he says he’ll get me another for each significant occasion that comes up. Zack then called him a cheapskate and I whacked him and Sephiroth said that he meant, on top of whatever other present he was going to get me and I told him he shouldn’t spend so much money on me because he really shouldn’t! But oh, I feel so good about myself now, knowing that they really do care about me enough to fake an excuse to get me out of class and set this all up and get me these presents.
Probably the best present of all was them later admitting to me that they think I have enough potential that I could request to be trained by a Soldier. You can do this if recommended by your instructors or a Soldier before the actual Soldier entry exams begin. Naturally if you’re being trained by a Soldier, you’re pushed a lot more and you’ll move past your classmates fairly quickly. Zack said that he’d love to be able to teach me during more regular hours instead of our current once-weekly workouts together. Sephiroth also said that if I decide to go ahead with it, Zack will approve it and Sephiroth will make sure I get Zack as my instructor.
I can’t wait, mother! I’m definitely going for it! I know Zack’s going to push me to no end, but I’m actually looking forward to the bruises and complete exhaustion I’m sure I’ll have to deal with. Sephiroth also said that if my application is successful, then he’ll teach me how to use Materia and also strategy, since, in his words, “Zack couldn’t win a chess match against a five-year-old.” So if this goes through successfully, I’ll be seeing a lot more of Zack and Sephiroth, which is going to be absolutely brilliant!
Here’s to hoping you’re proud of me, because I’m absolutely delirious with joy!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
And now you want more details of the birthday celebration? I thought I covered the more important things, though in retrospect, I suppose I glossed over some things…
You wanted to know more about how Sephiroth and Zack treated me? Not much of a change from the usual, really, except that Zack was making jokes about how I’m legal now and they’re never going to see me on my days off anymore because I’ll be off with my bunkmates getting drunk. I won’t be, don’t worry. I don’t really fancy the taste of alcohol, anyway, and I like the idea of losing control over myself even less.
Oh, and Sephiroth was a lot more pleasant. As in, he made a conscious effort to be more… cheerful? Not quite the word I’m looking for, I don’t think. Let me try and explain about Sephiroth. In my experience, when we’re with him, he has a habit of occasionally falling into silence. It’s something that will happen of course, especially if Zack’s prattling on as always. But there is a definite sadness in those silences, like he’s thinking of something and he’d rather we didn’t know about it, but wants so badly to share it with us. And like he wants very much to feel human affection and care, like he wants to experience something like love, but has no clue what it is. That’s the impression I get, anyway. It’s just so sad when he gets into those moods, but I’m just thankful that I’m not the only one who notices it. Zack and I notice almost immediately when he gets in one of these moods and we always try and draw him into the conversation again, out of whatever depression he’s fallen into.
Anyway, when he’s not in one of those moods, the most cheerful he ever gets is a kind of restrained (that word again) and… gentle? That’s the word I’m looking for. A kind of gentle happiness, the sort you get when you’re comfortable with someone and happy with life. Peaceful, almost. That’s his kind of happiness; peace. The problem is that he can rarely maintain that kind of peace, because he always thinks of something that upsets him at some point or other. But that day, he made a conscious effort to maintain that peace, and he succeeded, for the most part.
You said that there was something I was leaving out. I don’t know how you knew, but fine, I’ll spill. It has to do with the “for the most part” at the end of the last paragraph. There was a call to the house around five, you see. Zack answered it, and took the message for Sephiroth. It was from one of Professor Hojo’s assistants, reminding him that he needed to report to the Professor the next day for some tests or other. When he heard that, Sephiroth immediately sank into one of his moods. The thing is, we’d been getting along so well before that and seeing him upset sort of upset me as well.
So, being the brilliant son you’ve raised, I did the sensible thing and hugged him.
I blame you for being such a tactile person, by the way.
Well, he looked stunned, and Zack wasn’t faring any better. After a few moments, my brain caught up to my body and registered what I’d done, which was basically snuggling into Sephiroth’s side, a charm bracelet in one hand and both arms around his waist. It’s odd that I remember the bracelet so vividly, but I do. I remember it pressing into my skin, the feel of the little heart against my palm.
But before I could pull away, Sephiroth went and relaxed in my arms. He even put an arm around my shoulder, effectively holding me there. And at that, Zack lost his shell-shocked look and started to look so very amused. I’m not entirely sure what was going on there, but I’m positive the look on his face was the one that goes something like, “I know something you don’t!”
But anyway, it really looks like Sephiroth actually likes me! I’m still surprised by that, but also indescribably happy. You know I am, because I’m being so very eloquent in explaining things to you. The words just aren’t coming to me, because every time I think of what happened, I’m just filled with this utter joy and I can’t think straight anymore.
Who would’ve thought the day would come when Private Cloud Strife (once a punching bag) would be the person from whom the great General Sephiroth would take comfort?
My ego astounds me. Likely, I’m the only one idiotic enough to do such a thing and he was just amused!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Are you serious? You cannot possibly think that Sephiroth harbours any sort of romantic feelings towards me. No, it’s impossible. If he ever did feel romantically inclined towards anyone, and if he actually preferred men, I think he’d go for someone like Zack. And anyway Zack’s been his friend much longer than I have. I know Zack’s got Aeris, but still! I haven’t known him nearly as long as Zack has, how could he be in love with me?
So now that I’ve dismissed that utterly ridiculous notion, would you mind if I told you I wish it could be true?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I love you.
You know exactly the sort of thing to say to make me feel better about myself, do you know that?
I don’t think I’d ever tell him, no. I couldn’t bear to lose our friendship, and anyway I’m not sure how he feels about me. I want to at least solidify our friendship before I try and move into anything else. I know I say that we get along well, but how well would we get along when we spend more time together? When each other’s little quirks and annoying habits are revealed? Who’s to say we won’t grate on each other after a while?
I think about things like that, in which I think I am very different from most people my age. But I’d like to be sure of a relationship before rushing into it. I’d like to make sure it has at least a chance.
Yes, mother, I will insist on protection. Do you have any idea how red you made me turn with that?
But let’s leave the drama of my (non-existent) love life, shall we? I’ve been accepted into the Soldier training programme. I told you I applied, right? Well, I was accepted fairly quickly, largely because I was approved by Zack. As a Soldier First Class, his opinion of me carries a lot of weight. Sephiroth didn’t want to put his name to any more official documents than was strictly necessary, but he was our backup in case the bureaucrats decided they needed one more referee for me. As it turns out, Zack was more than enough.
So I start training with Zack starting next week. It’s Tuesday now as I write this letter, so come next Monday, it’ll be the beginning of a new training regime. I can hardly wait!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. You sounded worried in your last letter. I’m sorry if I did worry you, but the fact is that I’ve been laid up in the infirmary for the past three weeks. Healing Materia isn’t used on privates, and I insisted on not jumping the channels when Zack volunteered to. So I had to heal the old-fashioned way, and that took time.
And what exactly happened? In a word, jealousy. I suppose I’ve found my first bullies of Midgar, although it’s not like there was any shortage of them back home. Anyway, some of the privates heard of my being accepted into the Soldier training programme and decided they didn’t like that fact.
Let’s just cut a long story short, eh? They waylaid me on the way back to my dorm after practise the day after I sent off that last letter to you. I was alone, so I’m sure they thought it would be easy for them. I’m pleased to say I managed to take three of them down before one of them clobbered me in the back of the head and knocked me out. When I came to, they decided to take the opportunity to make their displeasure with me known.
When I next came to, I was in the infirmary, with a worried Zack and furious Sephiroth in the room with me. Those involved have been dishonourably discharged, but not before being thoroughly whipped. The one who found us was Sephiroth, you see. And when he saw them kicking me, he apparently attacked them. He says he did give them one short warning, but they either didn’t hear or didn’t care, so he drew Masamune on them. Even using the blunt side of his blade, they were so badly injured that they needed to be healed up before being discharged.
After that display, I don’t think anyone else will be vocal - or physical - about what I know a lot of people perceive to be favouritism. Do you think it is, mother? I’ve been thinking about it, and I suppose Zack and Sephiroth have been using their rank to benefit me sometimes. Is that necessarily a bad thing? And I know I made it into the Soldier training programme on my own merit. Even Sephiroth’s influence couldn’t help me pass the physical component of that test, which is what a large portion of the mark depends on. So do things like pulling me out of class for a surprise birthday party count as “favouritism”?
I’m rather confused about this, mother. I’d love to hear what you think, so please write back soon.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I told you that Sephiroth took care of them already! You’re not coming down here and you’re not going to beat them up to within an inch of their lives, understand? Though the sentiment is appreciated.
Thanks for being so honest, mother. I’ll tell them to tone things down as well then. I suppose far too many things about our friendship could be misconstrued as favouritism.
I’m still technically on medical leave, and I’m not supposed to do anything strenuous, so my lessons with Zack are on hold. My arm hasn’t quite recovered (my left arm was broken in two places, the worst of the injuries) so the doctor wants me to play it safe and just avoid exercise for another week or so at least.
Sephiroth said that maybe the healing facilities weren’t authorised to use Healing Materia on me, but he had some at home and he was well-versed in how to use it, so he’d help speed things up a little if it looked like it would take too long to heal normally. I’m not sure if I should agree to it. I suppose I’ll wait and see if my arm decides to heal on its own.
But anyway, even if I can’t practise with Zack, I can have strategy lessons. That’s what my days have been largely comprised of. My lessons generally take place in Sephiroth’s office nowadays. He sets me work to do and expects it to be completed by a set time. Generally it’s in the form of some sort of puzzle - yesterday he’d set out a chess game in progress on my table. I was black, and my job was to figure out how to checkmate white in one move. The problem was that black was clearly losing, and I could barely find a way out of the three traps that my king was in, let alone figure out a way to checkmate white. I still haven’t figured it out, and I’m still thinking about it even now. Sephiroth said I had three days to figure it out, so it must be a pretty difficult one, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about not being able to solve it.
Well, tomorrow will be another chance to figure it out. I’ll sleep on it tonight. Maybe I’ll dream the answer, eh?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Well, my arm’s decided to heal up nicely on its own, so I needn’t worry about the Healing Materia anymore. I still have a nice, big bruise on my stomach, surprisingly, but it doesn’t bother me much now. Zack and I have started our training, but he’s taking it easy on me - or so he claims. Really, what I have to do is still harder than what privates are expected to. I wonder what training will be like when he deems me completely recovered? I’m oddly looking forward to it, even if my body protests.
The good thing about all this training is that I’ve gotten stronger. I didn’t realise before, but over the past few months, I’ve actually managed to put on enough musculature to use the Buster Blade. I still have trouble with it when I’m doing the harder moves, but I can do basic katas and drills with it quite fluidly now. Zack’s been brilliant about letting me try it out, though he was careful to stay well out of reach the first time - in case, you know, I accidentally lopped off his arm or something.
The thing is, my body doesn’t show the muscles too much. I’m taller and more built now than when I left Nibelheim, true, but I’ll always have a more slender, lithe build than most people who go through a regime like this. The majority of them bulk up a lot, but my body’s such that I won’t. Zack and Sephiroth agree that’s a good thing, because I’m likely to be underestimated then, so I have the element of surprise on my side. Zack also told me (for future reference) that if someone picks on me and I don’t think I can win the fight, remember who it was so they’ll know who to go after. I said I’d probably just run. Pride be-damned, I’m not letting that happen to me again!
The techniques we’re taught have beautiful names - Butterfly and Crescent Moon and Rising Sun. Strung together into katas, they’re indescribably beautiful to watch, especially when someone like Sephiroth or Zack executes them - the kind of smooth, practised artistry that you’ll never see anywhere else. And yet these beautiful movements are lethal. There is such a pitiful irony about that, that I simply cannot bear to think about - and yet I must.
If I am sent to war, what becomes of the people I kill, and their families? I’ve thought about that so much and I still don’t have a good answer. Even if I’m asked (which I doubt) I wouldn’t want to join the Turks. Officially, they scout for Soldier candidates, and are bodyguards to President Shinra and his son. Unofficially, they’re assassins for ShinRa. I couldn’t possibly do something like that, not if I’m upset about having to kill soldiers I meet in battle. I understand the necessity, but I don’t have to like the idea.
Enough of being depressing. I’ll keep you updated on my training. Be warned that my letters may be a bit more sporadic hereon. Between Zack running me ragged and Sephiroth’s mind games (I solved the chess game! Just move the rook!) I’m barely left with the energy to think a letter to you, let alone actually have the time and strength to write one.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Thank you for the fruit cake! No matter how many times I make it, I can never quite get mine to taste like yours. Zack’s in love with you all over again, and listen to this: Sephiroth said he’d love to meet you! His exact words (if I remember right) were, “I’d love to visit her someday; she seems so nice. And I know I’ll be well-fed, anyway.” Zack promptly suggested that they organise a little sojourn to Nibelheim, and I then hit him for suggesting it. I promised I’d be a Soldier First Class before I returned, after all! And the next Soldier exams are… well, two weeks from now, actually, but I’m nowhere near ready for them yet. So the next ones after that are three years from now, and that’s what I’m waiting for.
But Sephiroth then said that seriously, ShinRa might send out a troop to Nibelheim soon. With all the problems with the reactors they’ve been encountering, they’re stepping up inspections on all mako reactors, and the Nibelheim plant’s long overdue for one. The official announcement will be out tomorrow, so you might have heard of it by now, but in any case he’s cleared me to write to you about it. If I do end up being in the platoon they send… well, so much for being a Soldier First Class when I next return, but at least I’ll get to see you.
Short letter today because I’m flat-out exhausted. My bed’s calling my name, so I’ll close here.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Zack is insane.
I didn’t even realise what he was up to, actually. But what he did was put down my name for the Soldier tests. That’s the reason I haven’t written, I was panicking about what he’d done and frantically trying to get some last-minute training in.
All in all, I don’t think I screwed up too badly, but my fight didn’t go as well as I wish it could have. I think I lasted against that Soldier quite well, but if I’d managed to counter his last attack with Crescent Moon instead of Flight of the Bird (which was what I used) then I might have… well, not won, but given him a bit of a scare at least! At least the written part of the exam went swimmingly well, so maybe that will pull up my overall score. There was only one question I wasn’t sure about, and I think all the rest were right.
The results will be out next week. I’m not expecting to make it in, but it’s nice to dream, I guess. I’d love to make Soldier Third Class and then be able to make my way up from there.
Let me also just say here that I’m insanely thankful for Zack’s training. He fights me as a Soldier First Class, you see, unlike my old instructors who always toned down their attacks. Fighting Zack got me used to being pitted against that level of skill, and I think that’s why I lasted as long as I did in the exam. I’ve still not bested Zack even once, but my current record fighting against him is twenty minutes. Pretty good, I’d say.
Details out tomorrow about who’ll be in the platoon to Nibelheim. Sephiroth’s heading it and he’s definitely taking Zack with him - so even if I’m not there, look out for them! Sephiroth… I’m sure you know what he looks like. Zack’s the dark-haired guy you’ll undoubtedly see near Sephiroth. Perpetually has a grin on his face, slightly shorter than Sephiroth. If you know what the uniform of a Soldier First Class looks like, look for it. Oh, and his hair spikes worse than mine. Give Zack a pie or something; he’ll love you forever (not that he doesn’t already).
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I’m astounded, in shock, stupefied, and all the rest of that jazz.
I made it!
Soldier Third Class!
Still amazed, in wonder and some modicum of disbelief here in Midgar. In two days, I will be amazed in Nibelheim.
So yes, I’m being posted there as well, under Zack’s command. As my sponsor in the Soldier programme, he’s responsible for me, in a sense. Now that I’m an actual Soldier… well, Third Class is like being a private, only amongst the Soldiers. It’s supremely hard to work your way up the ranks of the Soldiers, and Zack said that I’m not quite ready for that. He took a leap of faith in enrolling me for the exams, but he said he thought I’d be able to just about scrape through, which I did.
Anyway, I now have actual lessons to go to, instead of Zack’s thinly-disguised torture sessions. That’ll be worse, in a way, since now I’ll be in a group of people (most of whom will have passed with better grades than me) and I’ll have to answer to someone I don’t know. The good thing is that even while I was being taught by Zack, I still had to defer to everyone else, so military discipline is still quite engrained in me. I don’t think it’ll be too hard settling back into that lifestyle, though I’ll miss seeing Zack and Sephiroth. Soldiers Third Class don’t really get days off. Saturday’s a full day of training, and we only get half of Sundays off. There go my weekly dinners with them.
But this is one step closer to them too, so I’m still happy about it. And I’m still under Zack’s sponsorship anyway - oh, let me explain that a little. Each Soldier Third Class is sponsored by a Soldier First Class. We’re taught by Soldiers Second Class, and the sponsors are who the instructors report to if they have any trouble with us. Our sponsors also get regular reports on our performance in class, and are responsible for dealing with any trouble-makers.
Sponsors also have a say in whether a Soldier Third Class is ready to take the exams for Soldier Second Class. The exams are necessary to prove you have the skills; but your promotion still needs to be approved by gazillions of bureaucrats as well. And from Second Class to First Class it’s even worse; you need to take three different competency tests, be approved by at least ten Soldiers First Class, and be approved by the General. I may be friends with Sephiroth, but he’s fair above all else, and he won’t pass me unless I really deserve it. Knowing him, he’ll probably he harder on me than on anyone else, just to nip accusations of favouritism in the bud. We’re all a little paranoid after what happened the last time.
Only after you mentioned it did I realise I’ve not written very much about my old squad-mates, or my bunkmates. Well, honestly, I’ve not seen very much of them lately. A normal day for privates begins at five and ends at seven thirty. Dinner’s at eight and then they have free time. Their day consists of physical training and sparring, that sort of thing. I wake up at five with the rest of them, but that’s about all I have in common with their day. My day runs more like this:
At five o’clock I wake up. If there’s time (i.e. if people aren’t hogging the showers) I have a quick shower before dressing and rushing down for breakfast. P.T. starts at six thirty for my bunkmates, and they’re only one hall down from the mess hall. As for me, I’m supposed to meet Zack at six in the Soldier training hall, which is about ten minutes’ run away. I usually do run there, so that I’m warmed up by the time I get there. Then I train with Zack until one, when we break for lunch. My bunkmates get lunch at one thirty, so I’m gone by the time they arrive. I only get half an hour for lunch (though it’s enough, really; the mess hall isn’t that crowded then), and then it’s back to the Soldier training hall for more sparring with Zack. At around six, we stop training, and until seven thirty he tells me everything I did wrong, and teaches me new moves.
I end the physical training regime at seven thirty and head back to my dorms to shower and change. By about eight I’m down in the mess hall for dinner. I eat with my bunkmates, and they’re still nice enough to me even though I’m not there all the time anymore. After dinner they have free time, but I’m expected to be up at Sephiroth’s office by nine o’clock at the latest, and until ten thirty or eleven I have to learn strategy, fighting theory and Materia use with him. At around eleven-ish I stumble back to the dorms to find most of my bunkmates already asleep. I crash onto the bed and wake up six hours later to repeat the whole process.
You see why I said it’s exhausting?
My regime will change once I start the Soldier training. Then it’ll be something like:
0630-1300: P.T. and other training
1330-1430: Lunch (which only takes that long because it’ll be crowded)
1430-1700: More training
1700-1900: Strategy and theory
1900-2000: Theory of Materia
And from then on, dinner and free time. It’s a little better than the crazy schedule that Zack and Sephiroth had me working with (though I’ll say freely that I enjoyed every moment of it).
But whatever the schedule and whatever my regime, I’ll have a bit of a reprieve from it when I come to Nibelheim. We’re leaving tomorrow, so who knows, I might beat this letter there. I’m just writing it now because I actually have time (surprise, surprise) and I felt like writing something to you. We’ll see who gets there first!
Love,
Cloud
~fin
CC highly appreciated. Feel free to let me know if you spot any mistakes!
[Edit:] Part Two can be found here, if anyone was wondering.[/Edit]
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Endymion
Part One: Solacium
...continued from this post
Dear Mother,
You worry too much! Don’t worry; it’s nothing of the sort. It’s nice to know you’re not homophobic, but I’m not in a relationship with Zachary. I highly doubt he’s looking for a relationship with me either; he’s got a girlfriend called Aeris. They’ve been going out for a couple of months now and he seems pretty serious about her. And to answer your other question, no, the General doesn’t have a significant other, as far as I know. He’s the sort you’d say was married to their work. I don’t think he’s ever even entertained the thought.
Speaking of the General, it turns out he was there after all, on Saturday. He seemed as surprised as we were to see him when we came in. Apparently he’d finished work early for once and had been planning on just getting some rest at home. Would you believe he was actually planning on skipping dinner? Of course, the smell of my beef stir-fry convinced him to join Zachary and myself. I rather outdid myself with that, I think. Zachary managed to get pretty fresh produce (I’d given him the list of ingredients I’d need earlier) in the morning when I was still having P.T. I even made a butter cake and popped it in to bake while we ate dinner. It was done just about when we were, so it made a perfect dessert. And Zachary’s just grateful he’ll have something nice to eat at home… until the rest of the cake is finished and he comes crawling to me to make more.
Maybe I should forget about being a Soldier and just become a cook here. If I made good food, popular demand would ensure I stay here and get paid well.
General Sephiroth proved to be unexpectedly good company. I stayed at Zachary’s till quite late (we have Sundays off, just like school). Earlier on, I’d managed to hold Zachary off for a good ten minutes when we were sparring, and he proceeded to tell the General about every little detail of our spar. I was just doing my best imitation of a tomato and attempting to disappear through the couch (I don’t think I did that well, and Zachary was pointing out everything I’d done wrong as well!) when General Sephiroth looked over at me and said, “Well done then! There aren’t many who could hold off Zachary for that long.”
And then to make things worse, Zachary nods and agrees like a proud mother bird that’s just shoved her chick out of the nest and seen it spread its wings. Which is what he reminds me of, really. I don’t appreciate being compared to a chick (I’d definitely be called a chocobo chick, don’t you think?) but it’s such an uncannily accurate description of our relationship, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to come up with it.
In any case. It’s only just sunk in. General Sephiroth praised me.
Excuse me while I go look out the window for flying pigs.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Why on earth would you want to know more about my wonderful night out with the General and Zack?
But far be it for me to deny you your whims. I’ll detail my day to you then:
In the morning, I had P.T. with my class, as per normal. This is not the part you’re interested in, so I’ll gloss over it. P.T. went well, and I was still feeling fresh by the time we were done. That was a good thing, as it turned out, because after lunch I was supposed to meet Zack at the gym to do some weights training. I was feeling considerably less fresh by the time that was done, and after that we had a spar. That lasted all of ten minutes, since I was tired already, as if I stood any chance against him when I was fresh. After the spar, we spent an hour or so going over the fight, working out my weak points and figuring out how I could improve myself.
After that, I went back to my quarters with Zack, who promptly made himself at home on my bed and stole one of my books to read. I had a quick shower, changed and joined him; then we walked over to his quarters (after I’d pried the book out of his hands). We walked in the door and were surprised to see General Sephiroth sitting there in the living room. He seemed surprised to see us too, anyway. And here’s the part that you said you wanted a scene-by-scene replay of, right? So here goes:
I walked in after Zack and nearly crashed into his back, because he’d stopped just inside the door. Peering around him, the first thing I saw was silver. General Sephiroth’s hair is always the first thing I notice about him; I suspect most people are the same way. The next thing I noticed was his eyes, which were still as sad as ever, but now also seemed faintly surprised. (That’s something I don’t think most people notice, the sadness.) He spotted me and enquired as to what I was doing there, whereupon Zack explained that he’d conned me into cooking him dinner.
I’ll admit I’m puzzled about Sephiroth’s reaction to that. His jaw actually tightened, as if he was unhappy about that. I didn’t think it was such a big deal that Zack had invited me over, really, but I suppose that General Sephiroth’s the sort of person who values his privacy. I don’t think he took kindly to me intruding on that privacy, because, after all, there’s no place more private for him than his own quarters.
Zack says that General Sephiroth actually qualified for his own quarters, without having to share with anyone, but for some obscure reason, had agreed to stay with Zack when he’d asked. This explanation actually came earlier in the day, but I think it fits this place in my narrative.
In any case, that brief moment of displeasure vanished quickly and then General Sephiroth was rising and inviting me in cordially. Zack closed the door and pulled me off to the kitchen, talking about how he’d managed to get some good, fresh food that morning. When I inspected it, I found that the broccoli wasn’t the best it could have been, but the rest of the stuff was decent enough, so I started preparing the stir-fry.
Zack and the General stayed in the kitchen while I cooked. I discovered that while Zack might wield a sword big enough to be the butcher’s knife of the sword world, he has absolutely no finesse when it comes to slicing meat. I learned this the hard way and subsequently had to chase Zack away from the food whenever he protested that he could help me. You know my stir-fry - most of the work is in the preparation, but it’s easy to cook once all the cutting’s done. I will say here that the General seemed somewhat amused at the sight of me chasing a grown man around his own kitchen telling him to stay away from the beef if he knew what was good for him. In retrospect, it probably was quite funny, wasn’t it?
I don’t think you want to know about what we spoke of, exactly. The General did complain about the amount of paperwork he’s had to do lately. Too many mako reactors are having problems, if not outright failing, and the brass isn’t happy. Of course, it’s fallen on the General to get things sorted out, but that’s meant a copious amount of paperwork. Zack was most unhelpful on that matter, electing to laugh at the General rather than offer constructive advice. I told the General that he could always delegate some of the paperwork to his subordinates; perhaps some Soldiers that he trusted, such as Zack, for instance. That shut Zack up properly, and he looked absolutely horrified - even more so when General Sephiroth said that he’d certainly have to consider that idea, and that it had great merit. It was far too fun baiting Zack, but he really just set himself up for it.
I also discovered over the course of the dinner that the General and I have much the same sense of humour - you know, dry and not very easily discernable, kind of deadpan. This led to numerous concerted attacks on Zack, who eventually decided that he was washing his hands of us and proceeded to sulk. I had to win him over with my butter cake, which thankfully came out quite well. It’s almost up to the standard of yours, mother!
In any case, the General and Zack both agreed that they’d never eaten so well before. I’ll believe the General on that count, since he’s grown up with the military (and therefore with horrible food) but I’m sceptical about Zack. The fact remained that they’d definitely enjoyed it, if the way both of them gave the saucepan dirty looks when it was empty was any indication.
After that, we sat around the living room and I think the General had just about forgotten that he didn’t originally want me there in his house. At any rate, he treated me very well. He’s certainly different in private. I think he’s so used to putting on a persona when he goes out that he can only let himself be himself at home. And even then, he’s not entirely sure how to be himself, because the mask is so much a part of him that he doesn’t know where the mask ends and where he begins. But he was nice to me, and I’m astounded to find myself really liking him, the way I like Zack.
Remember how I said once that I thought the General and I would get along famously if only we were of equal rank? Saturday night proved me right, I think, even if we were still on completely different levels. I’d never dreamed I’d have the opportunity to get to know him while I was still a private, mother. It’s like a dream come true, to be horribly clichéd.
I can’t say that we’re friends now, but he acknowledges me by name when we pass each other by in the corridors, and his eyes are just a fraction less cold when he looks at me, and that’s enough for me.
To round up that night: I left at around eleven. Zack insisted that I had to come around more often, and that both he and General Sephiroth would be more than glad to have me drop by anytime, even if I didn’t schedule anything with them before hand. In other words, he clarified when I looked at him blankly, I was welcome to drop by uninvited - because as far as he was concerned, I had a standing invitation to his quarters. I was about to point out that he couldn’t very well speak for the General, when the General himself added his assent to that statement. That, I’ll admit, left me flummoxed enough that I agreed without realising. I also agreed to come over on Saturdays and make them dinner. I have a feeling this is going to become a new ritual, and it’s one I’m looking forward to. General Sephiroth is so much more human at home, and such enjoyable company, and Zack’s just fun to be around all the time.
I hope this sates your curiosity?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I still don’t understand why you wanted that replay of that first Saturday, or why you sounded so smug when you wrote “I knew it!” You didn’t even explain that - what did you know? And why do I know you’re not going to explain it to me?
Two more Saturdays at Zack’s, one with the General and one sort-of without. Last week, he wasn’t home when I went over. In fact, it was when I was leaving that I saw him. I usually walk back to my quarters myself (Zack only sees me to the door). I like walking myself anyway, and I had to assure him that I was perfectly fine walking back myself. He’s worried that there may be some cadets who don’t appreciate my friendship with him, since he’s of such a high rank. There are rumours of favouritism floating around, I know, but all that’s done is ensure that the instructors put me through even more stringent tests than most people go through. Still, I pass them and I’m grateful for the opportunity to improve, so I’m not complaining. The instructors seem to like the way I’m progressing too.
And I digress. I saw General Sephiroth as I was leaving the block in which Zack’s quarters are located. My own dorms are in Barrack H, which is behind that block, so I was just turning the corner when I almost literally ran into the General. He didn’t seem that surprised to see me, and I suspect he sensed me coming. For whatever reason, he let me crash into him. I really have to learn how to sense the presence of people…
Anyway, so he caught and steadied me and once I was over my surprise, he said that he was sorry he couldn’t make it home earlier today. Let me see if I can remember the conversation (I have it almost memorised, I’ve been thinking about it so much):
“I apologise for not being able to make it back earlier, Cloud,” he said to me. He speaks that way, sort of formal and reserved in his speech and tone and choice of words. Everything about him speaks of restraint, really; restrained power. Or restrained anger, I’m not sure which.
So I replied, “Oh, it’s not a problem. I guess your work held you up?”
Then he frowned slightly and said, “Rather. The same problem I’ve mentioned before.” Note that through this whole thing he was still holding me by the elbow, and he was surprisingly gentle about it. So much so, in fact, that I didn’t even realise it.
To that, I brilliantly replied, “Oh.” Insert short pause here, during which time I became aware that he actually looked tired. It was completely understandable, of course, but it was something unheard of to think of General Sephiroth as merely human. You just don’t think of him being tired or anything, it’s almost blasphemous. But that’s what he looked like, like he wanted nothing more than to go home and collapse in bed without even changing or anything. This was also the moment when I realised that he was still holding onto my elbow. He saw me looking at his hand, but he only tightened his grip slightly instead of letting go.
“Perhaps you could come over tomorrow instead,” he then suggested softly. Really, I had to lean forward to hear him, that’s how softly he spoke. Almost as if he was nervous about saying it. Of course I replied, “I’d love to! I can’t stay till too late though, so maybe in the afternoon?”
He actually seemed pleased that I’d agreed, and finally let go of my arm. “That will be fine,” he agreed. “I will be home after noon.”
“I’ll make lunch,” I volunteered then. “If Zack can get some food by tomorrow. Just tell him to buy some meat and vegetables, and I’ll try and make something decent.”
“That would be wonderful.” - that was Sephiroth.
Then (pay attention, this is the reason I keep replaying this conversation in my head) I said, “I’ll see you tomorrow then, General Sephiroth.” That’s how I address him, because he deserves respect and anyway, he outranks me so I have to. Even when it’s just the three (or two) of us, I don’t want to be presumptuous and call him by his name, and I’m sure you’ll agree it’s prudent for me to do so, right? I don’t think I’ve ever referred to him as just “Sephiroth” before.
Anyway, then his eyes positively flashed, and he seemed really angry. That was just for the briefest of seconds though, and then he was calm again and said, “You’re allowed to call me Sephiroth, Cloud. I believe you’ve earned that right.”
Then he brushed by me and disappeared up the staircase, leaving me completely flummoxed down there. It took me a good few minutes to come to my senses and think that maybe yes, I should be getting back to the barracks after all.
I was sort of apprehensive about the next day, and yet looking forward to it. As it turned out, I couldn’t make it after all because Captain Jackson decided to hold extra P.T. for us. Someone goofed off a bit too much last break and some civilians complained, so the whole squad doesn’t have the next four weekends off. I didn’t know anyone I could send to tell Zack and General Sephiroth, so I had to just stand them up (rude of me, wasn’t it?). I did see Zack before class yesterday - Monday - though, so I explained to him and told him to apologise to the General on my behalf.
And here’s the other reason that I’m puzzled about our conversation. Zack said that the General had really been looking forward to my visit on Sunday, and was upset when I didn’t show up.
That, to me, sounds like someone who’s anticipating a person’s visit. As in, it almost sounds like General Sephiroth genuinely likes me, not just as Zack’s friend, but as a person in my own right. Am I being too egoistical thinking that?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Explain the insane cackling, will you? I do not understand what you’re on about! And don’t say, “You know perfectly well what I’m talking about, don’t you?” because I don’t!
Now that that’s out of the way, I’ve been wanting to tell you about another encounter I had with General Sephiroth. I hope you don’t mind me writing all these things to you, mother, but you’re the only one I could think of who would understand how I think.
So the General - or Sephiroth, as he insists I call him (when we’re in private) - sent for me the other day. Not the most brilliant of moves, considering we were having lessons when Zack arrived with the message that the General wanted to see Cloud Strife, yes, that very moment, he’s sorry about the inconvenience, pack up your things, Cloud, you won’t be coming back till evening. This was just yesterday, on Saturday, and we were having our extra P.T. then, you see. So naturally I wasn’t too upset about being pulled out of lessons, and followed Zack quite happily.
When we’re a safe distance away from the hall, he turns to me and tells me to go to his house by myself, saying that he needs to attend a debriefing and will catch up with me later. So off I traipse to their quarters, wondering what on earth Sephiroth could possibly want with me, and feeling a little naked without Zack to hide behind.
But he was so nice. Sephiroth, I mean. When I knocked on the door, he opened it almost instantly, like he’d been waiting for me or something. And get this - when I asked why he’d asked for me, he actually laughed.
It’s a very nice sound, but I digress.
Turns out that he and Zack had decided to rescue me from lessons. If anyone asked what he’d wanted with me, I was to say it was classified. As if anyone would press further after that! And in the meantime I had a Saturday off to enjoy with Zack and Sephiroth, except Zack had to go for an unexpected debriefing and therefore wouldn’t be there for a couple of hours yet.
So that left Sephiroth and myself to entertain ourselves, and oddly, we got along fabulously well. He was the perfect host, offering me drinks when I sat down and all that. And they’d bought some biscuits, to go with the tea he made us. It’s such an odd image; him being domestic. But it’s such a nice image, all the same. The tea was delicious too, though not quite on par with your orange tea, I have to admit. I told him I’d teach him how to make your ginger oolong tea someday, and he seemed pleased at the prospect.
I wanted to know if they’d want me to cook lunch or dinner or something (I was perfectly willing and I meant it as a serious question). Sephiroth just started joking about it, saying that pretty soon they’d have to start paying me wages to come in and cook for them everyday so they didn’t die of starvation or food poisoning. I was just telling him that they’d have to put in extra hours at the gym if I let them eat too well when the door opens and in comes Zack, bearing a huge cake and wearing a huge grin on his face.
I don’t know how those prats discovered it was my birthday, but I love them for it. Remember how I said surprise birthday parties probably wouldn’t sit well with me? Well, this one did! It was just the three of us, a very low-key celebration that mostly consisted of pigging out on cake and me tearing into the presents they got me. Well, they insisted I open them there, so I did! And they were brilliant, mother, really! Zack got me a book on sword-fighting with large swords; I think he realised I’m in lust with Buster Blade, and he knows I love to read, besides. I’m just about halfway through the book now and it’s completely engrossing, I love it.
And Sephiroth! He gave me Materia! A Fire2, in fact, which is well beyond anything they’ve ever shown us. He said that he’d teach me how to use Materia, since Zack’s handling the physical aspect of my training. So that Materia’s mine, and as if that weren’t enough, he gave me this beautiful charm bracelet as well. Just a single heart-shaped charm on it at the moment, and he says he’ll get me another for each significant occasion that comes up. Zack then called him a cheapskate and I whacked him and Sephiroth said that he meant, on top of whatever other present he was going to get me and I told him he shouldn’t spend so much money on me because he really shouldn’t! But oh, I feel so good about myself now, knowing that they really do care about me enough to fake an excuse to get me out of class and set this all up and get me these presents.
Probably the best present of all was them later admitting to me that they think I have enough potential that I could request to be trained by a Soldier. You can do this if recommended by your instructors or a Soldier before the actual Soldier entry exams begin. Naturally if you’re being trained by a Soldier, you’re pushed a lot more and you’ll move past your classmates fairly quickly. Zack said that he’d love to be able to teach me during more regular hours instead of our current once-weekly workouts together. Sephiroth also said that if I decide to go ahead with it, Zack will approve it and Sephiroth will make sure I get Zack as my instructor.
I can’t wait, mother! I’m definitely going for it! I know Zack’s going to push me to no end, but I’m actually looking forward to the bruises and complete exhaustion I’m sure I’ll have to deal with. Sephiroth also said that if my application is successful, then he’ll teach me how to use Materia and also strategy, since, in his words, “Zack couldn’t win a chess match against a five-year-old.” So if this goes through successfully, I’ll be seeing a lot more of Zack and Sephiroth, which is going to be absolutely brilliant!
Here’s to hoping you’re proud of me, because I’m absolutely delirious with joy!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
And now you want more details of the birthday celebration? I thought I covered the more important things, though in retrospect, I suppose I glossed over some things…
You wanted to know more about how Sephiroth and Zack treated me? Not much of a change from the usual, really, except that Zack was making jokes about how I’m legal now and they’re never going to see me on my days off anymore because I’ll be off with my bunkmates getting drunk. I won’t be, don’t worry. I don’t really fancy the taste of alcohol, anyway, and I like the idea of losing control over myself even less.
Oh, and Sephiroth was a lot more pleasant. As in, he made a conscious effort to be more… cheerful? Not quite the word I’m looking for, I don’t think. Let me try and explain about Sephiroth. In my experience, when we’re with him, he has a habit of occasionally falling into silence. It’s something that will happen of course, especially if Zack’s prattling on as always. But there is a definite sadness in those silences, like he’s thinking of something and he’d rather we didn’t know about it, but wants so badly to share it with us. And like he wants very much to feel human affection and care, like he wants to experience something like love, but has no clue what it is. That’s the impression I get, anyway. It’s just so sad when he gets into those moods, but I’m just thankful that I’m not the only one who notices it. Zack and I notice almost immediately when he gets in one of these moods and we always try and draw him into the conversation again, out of whatever depression he’s fallen into.
Anyway, when he’s not in one of those moods, the most cheerful he ever gets is a kind of restrained (that word again) and… gentle? That’s the word I’m looking for. A kind of gentle happiness, the sort you get when you’re comfortable with someone and happy with life. Peaceful, almost. That’s his kind of happiness; peace. The problem is that he can rarely maintain that kind of peace, because he always thinks of something that upsets him at some point or other. But that day, he made a conscious effort to maintain that peace, and he succeeded, for the most part.
You said that there was something I was leaving out. I don’t know how you knew, but fine, I’ll spill. It has to do with the “for the most part” at the end of the last paragraph. There was a call to the house around five, you see. Zack answered it, and took the message for Sephiroth. It was from one of Professor Hojo’s assistants, reminding him that he needed to report to the Professor the next day for some tests or other. When he heard that, Sephiroth immediately sank into one of his moods. The thing is, we’d been getting along so well before that and seeing him upset sort of upset me as well.
So, being the brilliant son you’ve raised, I did the sensible thing and hugged him.
I blame you for being such a tactile person, by the way.
Well, he looked stunned, and Zack wasn’t faring any better. After a few moments, my brain caught up to my body and registered what I’d done, which was basically snuggling into Sephiroth’s side, a charm bracelet in one hand and both arms around his waist. It’s odd that I remember the bracelet so vividly, but I do. I remember it pressing into my skin, the feel of the little heart against my palm.
But before I could pull away, Sephiroth went and relaxed in my arms. He even put an arm around my shoulder, effectively holding me there. And at that, Zack lost his shell-shocked look and started to look so very amused. I’m not entirely sure what was going on there, but I’m positive the look on his face was the one that goes something like, “I know something you don’t!”
But anyway, it really looks like Sephiroth actually likes me! I’m still surprised by that, but also indescribably happy. You know I am, because I’m being so very eloquent in explaining things to you. The words just aren’t coming to me, because every time I think of what happened, I’m just filled with this utter joy and I can’t think straight anymore.
Who would’ve thought the day would come when Private Cloud Strife (once a punching bag) would be the person from whom the great General Sephiroth would take comfort?
My ego astounds me. Likely, I’m the only one idiotic enough to do such a thing and he was just amused!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Are you serious? You cannot possibly think that Sephiroth harbours any sort of romantic feelings towards me. No, it’s impossible. If he ever did feel romantically inclined towards anyone, and if he actually preferred men, I think he’d go for someone like Zack. And anyway Zack’s been his friend much longer than I have. I know Zack’s got Aeris, but still! I haven’t known him nearly as long as Zack has, how could he be in love with me?
So now that I’ve dismissed that utterly ridiculous notion, would you mind if I told you I wish it could be true?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I love you.
You know exactly the sort of thing to say to make me feel better about myself, do you know that?
I don’t think I’d ever tell him, no. I couldn’t bear to lose our friendship, and anyway I’m not sure how he feels about me. I want to at least solidify our friendship before I try and move into anything else. I know I say that we get along well, but how well would we get along when we spend more time together? When each other’s little quirks and annoying habits are revealed? Who’s to say we won’t grate on each other after a while?
I think about things like that, in which I think I am very different from most people my age. But I’d like to be sure of a relationship before rushing into it. I’d like to make sure it has at least a chance.
Yes, mother, I will insist on protection. Do you have any idea how red you made me turn with that?
But let’s leave the drama of my (non-existent) love life, shall we? I’ve been accepted into the Soldier training programme. I told you I applied, right? Well, I was accepted fairly quickly, largely because I was approved by Zack. As a Soldier First Class, his opinion of me carries a lot of weight. Sephiroth didn’t want to put his name to any more official documents than was strictly necessary, but he was our backup in case the bureaucrats decided they needed one more referee for me. As it turns out, Zack was more than enough.
So I start training with Zack starting next week. It’s Tuesday now as I write this letter, so come next Monday, it’ll be the beginning of a new training regime. I can hardly wait!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. You sounded worried in your last letter. I’m sorry if I did worry you, but the fact is that I’ve been laid up in the infirmary for the past three weeks. Healing Materia isn’t used on privates, and I insisted on not jumping the channels when Zack volunteered to. So I had to heal the old-fashioned way, and that took time.
And what exactly happened? In a word, jealousy. I suppose I’ve found my first bullies of Midgar, although it’s not like there was any shortage of them back home. Anyway, some of the privates heard of my being accepted into the Soldier training programme and decided they didn’t like that fact.
Let’s just cut a long story short, eh? They waylaid me on the way back to my dorm after practise the day after I sent off that last letter to you. I was alone, so I’m sure they thought it would be easy for them. I’m pleased to say I managed to take three of them down before one of them clobbered me in the back of the head and knocked me out. When I came to, they decided to take the opportunity to make their displeasure with me known.
When I next came to, I was in the infirmary, with a worried Zack and furious Sephiroth in the room with me. Those involved have been dishonourably discharged, but not before being thoroughly whipped. The one who found us was Sephiroth, you see. And when he saw them kicking me, he apparently attacked them. He says he did give them one short warning, but they either didn’t hear or didn’t care, so he drew Masamune on them. Even using the blunt side of his blade, they were so badly injured that they needed to be healed up before being discharged.
After that display, I don’t think anyone else will be vocal - or physical - about what I know a lot of people perceive to be favouritism. Do you think it is, mother? I’ve been thinking about it, and I suppose Zack and Sephiroth have been using their rank to benefit me sometimes. Is that necessarily a bad thing? And I know I made it into the Soldier training programme on my own merit. Even Sephiroth’s influence couldn’t help me pass the physical component of that test, which is what a large portion of the mark depends on. So do things like pulling me out of class for a surprise birthday party count as “favouritism”?
I’m rather confused about this, mother. I’d love to hear what you think, so please write back soon.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I told you that Sephiroth took care of them already! You’re not coming down here and you’re not going to beat them up to within an inch of their lives, understand? Though the sentiment is appreciated.
Thanks for being so honest, mother. I’ll tell them to tone things down as well then. I suppose far too many things about our friendship could be misconstrued as favouritism.
I’m still technically on medical leave, and I’m not supposed to do anything strenuous, so my lessons with Zack are on hold. My arm hasn’t quite recovered (my left arm was broken in two places, the worst of the injuries) so the doctor wants me to play it safe and just avoid exercise for another week or so at least.
Sephiroth said that maybe the healing facilities weren’t authorised to use Healing Materia on me, but he had some at home and he was well-versed in how to use it, so he’d help speed things up a little if it looked like it would take too long to heal normally. I’m not sure if I should agree to it. I suppose I’ll wait and see if my arm decides to heal on its own.
But anyway, even if I can’t practise with Zack, I can have strategy lessons. That’s what my days have been largely comprised of. My lessons generally take place in Sephiroth’s office nowadays. He sets me work to do and expects it to be completed by a set time. Generally it’s in the form of some sort of puzzle - yesterday he’d set out a chess game in progress on my table. I was black, and my job was to figure out how to checkmate white in one move. The problem was that black was clearly losing, and I could barely find a way out of the three traps that my king was in, let alone figure out a way to checkmate white. I still haven’t figured it out, and I’m still thinking about it even now. Sephiroth said I had three days to figure it out, so it must be a pretty difficult one, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about not being able to solve it.
Well, tomorrow will be another chance to figure it out. I’ll sleep on it tonight. Maybe I’ll dream the answer, eh?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Well, my arm’s decided to heal up nicely on its own, so I needn’t worry about the Healing Materia anymore. I still have a nice, big bruise on my stomach, surprisingly, but it doesn’t bother me much now. Zack and I have started our training, but he’s taking it easy on me - or so he claims. Really, what I have to do is still harder than what privates are expected to. I wonder what training will be like when he deems me completely recovered? I’m oddly looking forward to it, even if my body protests.
The good thing about all this training is that I’ve gotten stronger. I didn’t realise before, but over the past few months, I’ve actually managed to put on enough musculature to use the Buster Blade. I still have trouble with it when I’m doing the harder moves, but I can do basic katas and drills with it quite fluidly now. Zack’s been brilliant about letting me try it out, though he was careful to stay well out of reach the first time - in case, you know, I accidentally lopped off his arm or something.
The thing is, my body doesn’t show the muscles too much. I’m taller and more built now than when I left Nibelheim, true, but I’ll always have a more slender, lithe build than most people who go through a regime like this. The majority of them bulk up a lot, but my body’s such that I won’t. Zack and Sephiroth agree that’s a good thing, because I’m likely to be underestimated then, so I have the element of surprise on my side. Zack also told me (for future reference) that if someone picks on me and I don’t think I can win the fight, remember who it was so they’ll know who to go after. I said I’d probably just run. Pride be-damned, I’m not letting that happen to me again!
The techniques we’re taught have beautiful names - Butterfly and Crescent Moon and Rising Sun. Strung together into katas, they’re indescribably beautiful to watch, especially when someone like Sephiroth or Zack executes them - the kind of smooth, practised artistry that you’ll never see anywhere else. And yet these beautiful movements are lethal. There is such a pitiful irony about that, that I simply cannot bear to think about - and yet I must.
If I am sent to war, what becomes of the people I kill, and their families? I’ve thought about that so much and I still don’t have a good answer. Even if I’m asked (which I doubt) I wouldn’t want to join the Turks. Officially, they scout for Soldier candidates, and are bodyguards to President Shinra and his son. Unofficially, they’re assassins for ShinRa. I couldn’t possibly do something like that, not if I’m upset about having to kill soldiers I meet in battle. I understand the necessity, but I don’t have to like the idea.
Enough of being depressing. I’ll keep you updated on my training. Be warned that my letters may be a bit more sporadic hereon. Between Zack running me ragged and Sephiroth’s mind games (I solved the chess game! Just move the rook!) I’m barely left with the energy to think a letter to you, let alone actually have the time and strength to write one.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Thank you for the fruit cake! No matter how many times I make it, I can never quite get mine to taste like yours. Zack’s in love with you all over again, and listen to this: Sephiroth said he’d love to meet you! His exact words (if I remember right) were, “I’d love to visit her someday; she seems so nice. And I know I’ll be well-fed, anyway.” Zack promptly suggested that they organise a little sojourn to Nibelheim, and I then hit him for suggesting it. I promised I’d be a Soldier First Class before I returned, after all! And the next Soldier exams are… well, two weeks from now, actually, but I’m nowhere near ready for them yet. So the next ones after that are three years from now, and that’s what I’m waiting for.
But Sephiroth then said that seriously, ShinRa might send out a troop to Nibelheim soon. With all the problems with the reactors they’ve been encountering, they’re stepping up inspections on all mako reactors, and the Nibelheim plant’s long overdue for one. The official announcement will be out tomorrow, so you might have heard of it by now, but in any case he’s cleared me to write to you about it. If I do end up being in the platoon they send… well, so much for being a Soldier First Class when I next return, but at least I’ll get to see you.
Short letter today because I’m flat-out exhausted. My bed’s calling my name, so I’ll close here.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Zack is insane.
I didn’t even realise what he was up to, actually. But what he did was put down my name for the Soldier tests. That’s the reason I haven’t written, I was panicking about what he’d done and frantically trying to get some last-minute training in.
All in all, I don’t think I screwed up too badly, but my fight didn’t go as well as I wish it could have. I think I lasted against that Soldier quite well, but if I’d managed to counter his last attack with Crescent Moon instead of Flight of the Bird (which was what I used) then I might have… well, not won, but given him a bit of a scare at least! At least the written part of the exam went swimmingly well, so maybe that will pull up my overall score. There was only one question I wasn’t sure about, and I think all the rest were right.
The results will be out next week. I’m not expecting to make it in, but it’s nice to dream, I guess. I’d love to make Soldier Third Class and then be able to make my way up from there.
Let me also just say here that I’m insanely thankful for Zack’s training. He fights me as a Soldier First Class, you see, unlike my old instructors who always toned down their attacks. Fighting Zack got me used to being pitted against that level of skill, and I think that’s why I lasted as long as I did in the exam. I’ve still not bested Zack even once, but my current record fighting against him is twenty minutes. Pretty good, I’d say.
Details out tomorrow about who’ll be in the platoon to Nibelheim. Sephiroth’s heading it and he’s definitely taking Zack with him - so even if I’m not there, look out for them! Sephiroth… I’m sure you know what he looks like. Zack’s the dark-haired guy you’ll undoubtedly see near Sephiroth. Perpetually has a grin on his face, slightly shorter than Sephiroth. If you know what the uniform of a Soldier First Class looks like, look for it. Oh, and his hair spikes worse than mine. Give Zack a pie or something; he’ll love you forever (not that he doesn’t already).
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I’m astounded, in shock, stupefied, and all the rest of that jazz.
I made it!
Soldier Third Class!
Still amazed, in wonder and some modicum of disbelief here in Midgar. In two days, I will be amazed in Nibelheim.
So yes, I’m being posted there as well, under Zack’s command. As my sponsor in the Soldier programme, he’s responsible for me, in a sense. Now that I’m an actual Soldier… well, Third Class is like being a private, only amongst the Soldiers. It’s supremely hard to work your way up the ranks of the Soldiers, and Zack said that I’m not quite ready for that. He took a leap of faith in enrolling me for the exams, but he said he thought I’d be able to just about scrape through, which I did.
Anyway, I now have actual lessons to go to, instead of Zack’s thinly-disguised torture sessions. That’ll be worse, in a way, since now I’ll be in a group of people (most of whom will have passed with better grades than me) and I’ll have to answer to someone I don’t know. The good thing is that even while I was being taught by Zack, I still had to defer to everyone else, so military discipline is still quite engrained in me. I don’t think it’ll be too hard settling back into that lifestyle, though I’ll miss seeing Zack and Sephiroth. Soldiers Third Class don’t really get days off. Saturday’s a full day of training, and we only get half of Sundays off. There go my weekly dinners with them.
But this is one step closer to them too, so I’m still happy about it. And I’m still under Zack’s sponsorship anyway - oh, let me explain that a little. Each Soldier Third Class is sponsored by a Soldier First Class. We’re taught by Soldiers Second Class, and the sponsors are who the instructors report to if they have any trouble with us. Our sponsors also get regular reports on our performance in class, and are responsible for dealing with any trouble-makers.
Sponsors also have a say in whether a Soldier Third Class is ready to take the exams for Soldier Second Class. The exams are necessary to prove you have the skills; but your promotion still needs to be approved by gazillions of bureaucrats as well. And from Second Class to First Class it’s even worse; you need to take three different competency tests, be approved by at least ten Soldiers First Class, and be approved by the General. I may be friends with Sephiroth, but he’s fair above all else, and he won’t pass me unless I really deserve it. Knowing him, he’ll probably he harder on me than on anyone else, just to nip accusations of favouritism in the bud. We’re all a little paranoid after what happened the last time.
Only after you mentioned it did I realise I’ve not written very much about my old squad-mates, or my bunkmates. Well, honestly, I’ve not seen very much of them lately. A normal day for privates begins at five and ends at seven thirty. Dinner’s at eight and then they have free time. Their day consists of physical training and sparring, that sort of thing. I wake up at five with the rest of them, but that’s about all I have in common with their day. My day runs more like this:
At five o’clock I wake up. If there’s time (i.e. if people aren’t hogging the showers) I have a quick shower before dressing and rushing down for breakfast. P.T. starts at six thirty for my bunkmates, and they’re only one hall down from the mess hall. As for me, I’m supposed to meet Zack at six in the Soldier training hall, which is about ten minutes’ run away. I usually do run there, so that I’m warmed up by the time I get there. Then I train with Zack until one, when we break for lunch. My bunkmates get lunch at one thirty, so I’m gone by the time they arrive. I only get half an hour for lunch (though it’s enough, really; the mess hall isn’t that crowded then), and then it’s back to the Soldier training hall for more sparring with Zack. At around six, we stop training, and until seven thirty he tells me everything I did wrong, and teaches me new moves.
I end the physical training regime at seven thirty and head back to my dorms to shower and change. By about eight I’m down in the mess hall for dinner. I eat with my bunkmates, and they’re still nice enough to me even though I’m not there all the time anymore. After dinner they have free time, but I’m expected to be up at Sephiroth’s office by nine o’clock at the latest, and until ten thirty or eleven I have to learn strategy, fighting theory and Materia use with him. At around eleven-ish I stumble back to the dorms to find most of my bunkmates already asleep. I crash onto the bed and wake up six hours later to repeat the whole process.
You see why I said it’s exhausting?
My regime will change once I start the Soldier training. Then it’ll be something like:
0630-1300: P.T. and other training
1330-1430: Lunch (which only takes that long because it’ll be crowded)
1430-1700: More training
1700-1900: Strategy and theory
1900-2000: Theory of Materia
And from then on, dinner and free time. It’s a little better than the crazy schedule that Zack and Sephiroth had me working with (though I’ll say freely that I enjoyed every moment of it).
But whatever the schedule and whatever my regime, I’ll have a bit of a reprieve from it when I come to Nibelheim. We’re leaving tomorrow, so who knows, I might beat this letter there. I’m just writing it now because I actually have time (surprise, surprise) and I felt like writing something to you. We’ll see who gets there first!
Love,
Cloud
~fin
CC highly appreciated. Feel free to let me know if you spot any mistakes!
[Edit:] Part Two can be found here, if anyone was wondering.[/Edit]