(no subject)
another wonderous night filled with boys, partying, going out and crazyness.
uhmmm fuck that.
haha whatever.
so it doesnt really matter what i did toinght, or the lack there of, I guess what matters is what I've come to realize about tonight.
first, everynight i realize something different and new questions arise in my head, that may not seem full to some, but beleive me, it is filled with thoughts on life and love that you would never imagine.
first pretty heads... i am cramping let me warn you, so everything seems about THIS MUCH BIGGER AND MORE HORRIBLE than i make it out to be.
uhm well also i feel like i shouldnt even complain cause i know people who are going through much harder times. but these are my times i guess, and im dwellling on them so i here i go.
ok forget it.
im not going to complain. .... right....
i just get pissed off cause my dad is a fucking asshole. he wont get me insurance on my jeep and bitches all day, we no longer have cell phone services so i can not keep in touch with my friends from far away or close, since no one at home picks up the phone, and he is just an idiot who i do not get along with at all. he just totally stopped the service. i really feel like he hates being a dad and being a part of our family.
wonderful.
also chris is really confusing me. i know its bad to let a friend, or guy for that matter have so much to do with your thoughts on a day but he has. its like im assuming things are normal when we talk on the phone, but then online, he seems as if he wants me to go away and never talk to him again. im most likely over reacting, and i pray to god that i am, because i really really really really hate loosing firends with such a passion. it is one of the most depressing things a person can go through, and i really hope that is not happening.
i really dont understand that/him.
also. i just wish i could be more happy about my life and how it is. i dont know why i cant.
sometimes i honestly feel as if the world wants me to be bitchy to them, by the way they act to me.
so many situations i can relate to that, but im not, but its just like all i can do is hold my head high and hope that their shitty attitudes will pass and my smile can over ride their insanity.
why do i care so much?
cause you know what? i really hate caring sometimes when i dont know what your thinking.
why do i want love that i cant find? or have? at this moment in my life?
im not one for drawing. but one boring day last year in school i drew this.
simple. a couple. beautiful. and simple.
where they are staring to i do not know.
but they have eachother.
so thats all that matters.
why cant i feel normal? but i mean REALLY PEOPLE what the hell is normal? i dont know. so i guess i dont want to be NORMAL. i just want to feel better about myself. and not so down all the time. i want to feel ok with my sad and bad and happy and excited moods. i want people to understand me. because lately i feel like not many do.
there isnt much to get. but there is so much to get.
why does everything seem so far away? so out of reach?
a simple e mail from a friend can make my day.
a friend not talking to me.
can break my day.
uhmmm fuck that.
haha whatever.
so it doesnt really matter what i did toinght, or the lack there of, I guess what matters is what I've come to realize about tonight.
first, everynight i realize something different and new questions arise in my head, that may not seem full to some, but beleive me, it is filled with thoughts on life and love that you would never imagine.
first pretty heads... i am cramping let me warn you, so everything seems about THIS MUCH BIGGER AND MORE HORRIBLE than i make it out to be.
uhm well also i feel like i shouldnt even complain cause i know people who are going through much harder times. but these are my times i guess, and im dwellling on them so i here i go.
ok forget it.
im not going to complain. .... right....
i just get pissed off cause my dad is a fucking asshole. he wont get me insurance on my jeep and bitches all day, we no longer have cell phone services so i can not keep in touch with my friends from far away or close, since no one at home picks up the phone, and he is just an idiot who i do not get along with at all. he just totally stopped the service. i really feel like he hates being a dad and being a part of our family.
wonderful.
also chris is really confusing me. i know its bad to let a friend, or guy for that matter have so much to do with your thoughts on a day but he has. its like im assuming things are normal when we talk on the phone, but then online, he seems as if he wants me to go away and never talk to him again. im most likely over reacting, and i pray to god that i am, because i really really really really hate loosing firends with such a passion. it is one of the most depressing things a person can go through, and i really hope that is not happening.
i really dont understand that/him.
also. i just wish i could be more happy about my life and how it is. i dont know why i cant.
sometimes i honestly feel as if the world wants me to be bitchy to them, by the way they act to me.
so many situations i can relate to that, but im not, but its just like all i can do is hold my head high and hope that their shitty attitudes will pass and my smile can over ride their insanity.
why do i care so much?
cause you know what? i really hate caring sometimes when i dont know what your thinking.
why do i want love that i cant find? or have? at this moment in my life?
im not one for drawing. but one boring day last year in school i drew this.
simple. a couple. beautiful. and simple.
where they are staring to i do not know.
but they have eachother.
so thats all that matters.
why cant i feel normal? but i mean REALLY PEOPLE what the hell is normal? i dont know. so i guess i dont want to be NORMAL. i just want to feel better about myself. and not so down all the time. i want to feel ok with my sad and bad and happy and excited moods. i want people to understand me. because lately i feel like not many do.
there isnt much to get. but there is so much to get.
why does everything seem so far away? so out of reach?
a simple e mail from a friend can make my day.
a friend not talking to me.
can break my day.