(no subject)
That's upsetting, that you're throwing pieces of me away. I understand why you have to do it, it just makes me feel like garbage. I get that it's not malicious, unless you're actually burning all the stuff I gave to you, but that doesn't change the fact that it's me you're throwing away. It makes me wonder what you kept, and how you decided what was okay to keep, and what was not. Do you still use the thermos? Do you still wear the blue bra with my name inside the cup, right over your heart? Is the time of the snack still happy?
Yeah, I'm angry. I'm going to be angry for a while. I can't really help it, but there's still so much I don't understand. I've given up hope of ever satisfying that, but try telling that to the people at the cocktail party in my head. Three of them are still yelling, one of them (I think it's RomCom Max and/or Drunk Max) keeps mumbling about how you sang to me while I waited for pain killers to take effect. Holding you by the hips while you kind of tried to run away. Putting the stupid napkin on your head. Never mind the stuff we did without our clothes off.
I'm mad that I still have to think about it. You said something about because I've had sex before, it doesn't matter to me, which is super untrue. In fact, it would be very convenient right now if it didn't matter to me, so I could just let it all go, wash it off like it was nothing, and go off to do other things that don't matter. But, no, I have to think about things. Not that I can gain anything from it. No good can come from it at this point. I just have to unpack it, file it away as I try to clear my mind.
Brandon and I are in very similar circumstances. Tree is engaged to Morgan. He reacted almost exactly the same way I did. We've joked about those moments that pass where all we want to do is destroy. We feel hollow, and decide we can fix it by becoming Shiva. Destruction incarnate. He gets drunk and thinks about tricking that crippled girl into having sex with him. I think about ruining relationships, and bringing Brandon to Tree's wedding. I don't like it. I want it to stop.
I know what I want. I want to stop thinking about this nonsense.
Yeah, I'm angry. I'm going to be angry for a while. I can't really help it, but there's still so much I don't understand. I've given up hope of ever satisfying that, but try telling that to the people at the cocktail party in my head. Three of them are still yelling, one of them (I think it's RomCom Max and/or Drunk Max) keeps mumbling about how you sang to me while I waited for pain killers to take effect. Holding you by the hips while you kind of tried to run away. Putting the stupid napkin on your head. Never mind the stuff we did without our clothes off.
I'm mad that I still have to think about it. You said something about because I've had sex before, it doesn't matter to me, which is super untrue. In fact, it would be very convenient right now if it didn't matter to me, so I could just let it all go, wash it off like it was nothing, and go off to do other things that don't matter. But, no, I have to think about things. Not that I can gain anything from it. No good can come from it at this point. I just have to unpack it, file it away as I try to clear my mind.
Brandon and I are in very similar circumstances. Tree is engaged to Morgan. He reacted almost exactly the same way I did. We've joked about those moments that pass where all we want to do is destroy. We feel hollow, and decide we can fix it by becoming Shiva. Destruction incarnate. He gets drunk and thinks about tricking that crippled girl into having sex with him. I think about ruining relationships, and bringing Brandon to Tree's wedding. I don't like it. I want it to stop.
I know what I want. I want to stop thinking about this nonsense.