DCBB: Growing Down; Falling Up
Title: Growing Down; Falling Up
Author: sockkiah
Fandom/Genre: Supernatural, gen, kidfic
Pairing(s): none.... some unrequited puppy love
Rating: PG
Word Count: 24,800
Warnings: Character death.
Betas: maskedfangirl & psycocatgirl. More detailed acknowledgments at end of fic.
Artist: lolryne
Art link: Art Masterlist
Summary: It’s been months since Dean has seen or heard from an angel, when Castiel crash lands back in his life. Still in the ten-year-old Claire Novak’s body, she’s been injured and seems like she’ll be grounded with the Winchesters for a while. She also brings news of the apocalypse, how certain parties are still trying to make that happen, and how angels and demons alike have been watching the Winchesters, waiting for an opportune moment to make their move. Meanwhile, Castiel is falling, and as she does she begins to experience the world more and more like a ten-year-old girl.
Castiel watched the lines in the road flick past outside the window, satisfied in knowing Dean had no long term plans, but knowing he did intend to keep driving throughout the day. Then, as it approached nightfall and time to find sleeping accommodations, he planned to turn and backtrack, weaving in a different direction to somewhere no one could have planned for them to be.
Sam’s dreams were fading as he woke, and he was finding the window uncomfortable against his face. It was speeding up his waking process. “Where’re we going?” he asked his brother.
“We’re going to get ice cream.”
Sam glanced back at Cas, mildly suspicious. He assumed Castiel had requested a detour. Dean, Cas now realized, had decided to pull off into a small town based on her desire for sweets. He was frustrated and didn’t seem to know why he was compelled to go for ice cream, but he was fairly certain that Castiel would want strawberry flavor.
She did want strawberry flavor.
So apparently she was also projecting her wants upon others, making them do as would best be in her interest. That wasn’t good at all; how would she turn that off? Usually such things would be something to “turn on”. This wasn’t even something that Castiel had used as an angel save for when she was in Hell to keep demons from detecting her there. It wasn’t something that should even really work on humans, since it was hardly of any use to an angel. If a human were to, for instance, agree to become a vessel, it must be of their own will or it wouldn’t count.
“I apologize Dean,” Cas said, not sure if making a confession was a good idea, but she felt it was even more unethical to keep it a secret. “I was unaware I was engaging in this sort of thought transfer. I didn’t even realize I was capable of it.”
“Seriously?” Dean felt nauseous at the invasion of his mind. Not only were his thoughts not entirely private anymore, but also they weren’t even his thoughts. Castiel was immeasurably guilty.
“I cannot be appropriately apologetic, I know. Unfortunately the ability to suppress my other abilities does not seem to be within my reach yet.”
Dean raised his eyebrows and shook his head like he was trying to shake Castiel out of there. “Seriously?” he asked making exasperated noises. Castiel was disproportionately dismayed. Her emotions seemed under the impression that this was flat out the end of the world. Obviously this wasn’t the end of the world! Castiel had prevented the end of the world… That’s why she was in all this mess now with her angelic abilities zigzagging all over the place! And yet… It really, really seemed like nothing could ever be worse right now. Supposedly this must be a human thing.
In Castiel’s opinion it was getting to be a bit too much. She was really beginning to wonder that Anna had ever willingly signed up for this experience.
At least Dean had for some reason kept them on course to get ice cream. They were now driving down the wide streets of a town that apparently catered to vacationers taking a break from their time on a lake to visit town for a day. There were souvenir shops, a bakery, and tiny bookstores.
“Isn’t that bad?” Sam asked. “Your powers, couldn’t you accidentally smite an entire state or something?”
“No,” Cas giggled nervously. She wasn’t sure why she kept giggling, but more and more it was becoming her reaction to almost every situation. Even as she was gaining angelic traits back, was she somehow delving further and further into humanity? This was the first time Castiel had spent any time with humans since being cut from Heaven. “Perhaps someone could be mysteriously healed as we pass by.”
“Nothing big though, eh?” asked Dean.
Castiel blushed, not at all wanting to answer why. Castiel’s abilities to do anything “big” had faded since before dropping into the motel room yesterday. And they would never be coming back. “No,” she whispered. “Nothing big.”
“There’s a load of wash in the trunk,” Dean pointed out, chuckling at his own witty suggestion. Castiel liked that. It lightened the mood of the awkward situation. “Crusted on monster guts and everything. It’d be awesome if you could take care of that.”
“I’ll do my best,” Cas said, smiling shyly at the rearview mirror. The flip-floppy feeling in her tummy had returned.
“So,” Sam interjected more seriously. “Does that mean you’re healed then? Should we remove the stitches, or do those get angeled out?”
“No Sam. Unfortunately the only thing that will heal my injuries is time. Oh, there’s an ice cream place!” Cas pointed out the window at a hole in the wall ice cream shop with a large, wooden, pink ice cream cone out front. With sprinkles. It appeared to be packed with touristy patrons.
Dean was weighing in his mind the long line and how long they would inevitably be in town if they stopped here. But he conceded and agreed, pulling the Impala into a parallel parking spot a couple blocks up from the shop.
It was a hot day, with a bright blue sky, and people smelling like sweat and sunscreen as they milled around on the steaming sidewalks. No one was in a big hurry, most of them window shopping and watching over kids who browsed the candy cigarettes and fake dog poop. All the shops had the doors wide open, inviting the window shoppers inside and allowing peeks at teenagers in short shorts, spending too long at the registers, trying on mood rings.
Castiel kind of wanted a mood ring, but Dean was on mission toward the ice cream place, and even if part of him felt a pull to go back and buy a ring for Cas, he was now ignoring it, recognizing it for what it was. He wasn’t about to be a victim of mind control. Not unless he got ice cream as a prize anyway.
Castiel hoped that he didn’t know she wanted the jewelry. She didn’t want him to think she was a stupid girl, and she was pretty sure he would for wanting something so frivolous, even if it was really cool and changed colors. He probably already thought she was stupid for leading them to stop for ice cream. Ugh, Cas wanted to bury herself. Why couldn’t she have wanted to stop for pie at least?
Sam looked over at her, and put a long arm around her shoulder, smiling reassuringly. “Dean’s going to like you no matter what you ever do,” he said.
Oh no, Sam knew what she was feeling now? Castiel’s face was hot, and it wasn’t just from the sun. But of course Sam was just as likely to be the recipient of Castiel’s whims as Dean was, she was just inexplicably focused on Dean, so hadn’t even thought of Sam.
That probably had something to do with human emotions too, and she once again wondered if she might not be finding Dean attractive. Or maybe it was just because Dean was the one who kept acting upset. Sam still had his arm around her shoulder though, and likely would pick up on this idle curiosity, so she quickly did her best to stop thinking about it.
“How do you know?” Castiel asked, before realizing Sam too had powers that Dean didn’t approve of, and yet Dean had stuck by Sam’s side through everything.
“You popped in yesterday,” Sam said, “and Dean came alive again. He’s been more focused since you’ve showed up than I’ve seen him since we went to go get you and found Jimmy instead.”
“He doesn’t even know where we’re going.”
“Doesn’t matter. We’re going nowhere with purpose.” Sam tugged Cas’ shoulders closer in sort of a hug that didn’t interrupt their walking. Cas smiled, liking the gesture and feeling quite affectionate towards Sam. And she was glad she hadn’t let him out of the panic room that night, not just because it saved the world, but because it saved Sam too.
The ice cream shop was indeed very crowded. Cas and Sam joined Dean where he was already saving them a spot in line. And no wonder this place was so busy, Cas thought when she caught sight of the ice cream list. There was every flavor she could think of, and three different options for cones. Or you could get your ice cream in a dish, but after observing the selections of several customers, Cas decided that she definitely wanted a cone. A waffle cone. She wanted ice cream that looked just like the wooden ice cream cone on the sign.
Finally they made it to the front, and Dean ordered for Cas, knowing already exactly what she’d want. Then he got himself something chocolate with lots of candies imbedded in it, also in a waffle cone, and Sam ordered a dish of an ice cream that had chunks of raspberries. They made their way out to the street and continued down the sidewalk away from where the Impala was parked, heading toward a park.
The park was busy with more people, several of them fishing in a stream that cut through the space, or feeding ducks. Castiel saw a patch of willow trees where no one was sitting, and thought that an ideal place to be, sitting between the tree and its low hanging leaves, letting them hide them like a beaded curtain. She didn’t have to say anything; the brothers already knew where she was headed.
It was ideal, sitting under the tree. Pink ice cream melted down her wrist, but it wasn’t as sticky as the syrup, and in this case it wasn’t a case of her being inept with a fork, but simply that the sun melted the food faster than she could eat it. Dean was having a similar problem, although he was a bit faster at catching the drips, so it wasn’t embarrassing at all.
Sam finished his ice cream first, then lay in the grass, his hands behind his head. The sun dappled shadows over all three of them, and truly Castiel felt as relaxed as Sam Winchester looked.
Until something sunk in her stomach. Cas looked around trying to find the source of her sudden dread, but everything was pristine, a sunny, cheerful park. It couldn’t be Zachariah. Not even he would be quite this brash to actually show up at a public park. No, he’d wait at a motel room, then kidnap both Winchesters with the snap of a finger and keep them hostage on opposite sides of the country. If he showed up, everyone else would too, just to keep him from getting away with it. And sinking feeling or not, Castiel would notice someone if groups of angels and demons were showing up.
So maybe it was nothing, but something just wasn’t sitting right in Cas’ stomach, and it wasn’t the ice cream-that was delicious. If Lilith showed up, she’d be here to kill Sam. With the apocalypse not going off according to plan, she seemed to be of the mindset that she may as well live a little longer. Zachariah had every intention of tracking her down and making her play her part too, and she likely would if pressed. And then again maybe not. If she showed up alone it was probably to kill Sam. That would derail the apocalypse for at least another twenty years or so.
Or maybe it was Ruby. Once she thought of it, Castiel realized that this felt exactly like the duplicitous soul of the demon encroaching into her consciousness. Ruby wanted to feed Sam demon blood, so in all likelihood she wanted the same thing Zachariah did. But at this point there was no real reason for her to be involved. Ruby had alienated herself from every demon in Hell, so she wanted the glory. She wanted to be the one to make Sam do it, and to be there when the cage opened.
The good thing was, no one really cared about Ruby, and she wouldn’t kill Sam. The bad thing was, she wouldn’t hesitate to kill Cas or Dean. And she seemed to be right on the other side of the willow tree.
“What’s wrong?” Dean looked concerned at her stricken face. Cas flicked her eyes toward the tree and Dean made to get up to investigate.
“No, don’t,” Cas said, her eyes wide as her mind scrambled for a plan. She knew full well Ruby was here to kill her, and without any angel powers she felt useless. She didn’t even have any weapons. Save for her fists, which she had no experience using and really, wasn’t sure how strong this body was without a full strength angel in it.
“What? Is something wrong?” Sam wondered. And then Ruby stepped out from her hiding place.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Dean’s mind seethed, and Castiel’s thoughts echoed that sentiment exactly. She put on her most stoic face and did her best to appear completely unfazed by this situation, despite the way her vessel’s heart was hammering against her ribs.
Ruby didn’t spare her so much as a glance, instead keeping her eyes glued on Sam.
“Ruby?” Sam asked, perching himself up on his elbows, his eyes all wide and innocent as he approached her.
She broke into a wide grin, as if nothing could be more normal. Like they had an appointment or something. “Sam! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Oh god, Sam, I hope you’re okay.”
The words were false, but they fell from her lips so truthfully. Sam wanted to believe them.
“You left me.” Sam’s voice was small, and Cas could feel how fragile he felt. But he was also angry. Angry and lost and he still somehow cared for the demon, but he wanted her to hurt the way he had.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I couldn’t find you. Not until that angel was using its powers, and then I felt that and found you. It’s all gonna be okay now!”
Castiel narrowed her eyes, hiding how she was maybe a little nervous. There really wasn’t anything to do but watch this play out. Dean was kicking himself for leaving the car fully stocked with weapons and not bringing a single one with. Castiel tried to let him know via her thoughts, that it was okay. Not his fault.
Dean would never believe that any of this wasn’t his fault. He was considering his options as well as Cas was considering hers, both of them trying to figure out Ruby’s plan here. How was she planning on convincing Sam to go with her? No doubt she would just pin them both to the tree if it came to it, and they tried to stop Sam from going with her.
“You left me. Now you show up in the middle of some random park? Dragging Dean and Cas into your messed up scenario,” Sam glowered.
Ruby rolled her eyes, but somehow they didn’t lose an ounce of their sincerity. “I know, Sam,” she said earnestly, “and I’m sorry about your little… family picnic, or whatever this is. But how else could I talk to you?”
“My phone number never changed you know.”
Ruby’s demeanor faltered for just a second, and Castiel could watch her brain scrambling for a lie to cover this. It only took a second.
“Mine did. My phone smashed and I lost your info. Sam I was looking for you, I swear!”
Sam got up and stepped toward her. He was very deliberate and calculating with each stride that brought him closer to the demon. Castiel knew she should keep on trying to stay out of others’ heads, but she really couldn’t, and in this instance it was fascinating.
Ruby was focused on Sam. She could visualize him walking away with her, getting into her car, finding some demon to kill and drink the blood. Sam didn’t know any of that, and was being led by his emotions. Castiel was convinced that he would go with her.
“Ruby, just get out of here,” he said finally, his jaw set.
“Come with me Sam,” her eyes pleaded and Sam was drawn into them.
But they weren’t her real eyes. “No,” said Sam, and Ruby’s eyes flashed ink.
“I won’t leave you again, I promise. You can have as much as you want. Forever, Sam.”
“Get the fuck out of here Ruby,” Sam was seething. He never wanted to see her again. He also wanted to see her always, and to pick up where they’d left off after he’d last seen her. He wanted to hold her close to him and for them to be a part of each other. He wanted to feel like he was doing good, and to feel good, and he missed so much.
His thoughts and emotions were much more confusing than Castiel’s, and once again she really wished she could just shut them all out. Thank God her emotions weren’t so complicated at least.
Sam missed Ruby so much and he punched her.
The demon’s head flung back, then she cracked it upright again, blood dripping from her lip. And Sam was overwhelmed by something that Castiel didn’t recognize. She’d never felt anything like it, and while Cas was new to emotions, she was pretty sure this wasn’t a common thing.
It was sharp and dull, and all encompassing. There was nothing else in the world and it was right in front of Sam’s face.
“Sam!” she shouted, bolting up and running toward him. “Sam, it’s okay. She needs to go now.”
Ruby turned to Castiel and then she was in the air, flying out of control until her head hit something with a thunk.
* * * *
The world blurred back into Castiel’s vision, and she realized she was still sitting underneath the willow tree. Some ducks swam passed in the pond next to their spot, and Castiel watched them go by as the world came back into focus. Her head was propped up on Dean’s overshirt, she realized, but Dean was sitting a few feet away, talking to Sam.
Castiel sat up, then scrunched up her face as she realized her skull was throbbing.
Dean turned to her immediately. “How’s your head?”
Cas gave him a look that said he was stupid just for asking, so Dean decided to explain that she’d gotten tossed headfirst at the tree, but she’d be fine. And apparently Sam had thrown Ruby out, or scared her off or something. Her demon powers didn’t work against him, of course.
Sam was quiet though.
“That’s it. No more stops for fun,” said Dean. “C’mon let’s get back to the car. We can put an ice pack on your head.”
“No need,” Cas pointed at her head, her hair even more a tangled mess now than it was before. “Angel healing powers are back.”
The sidewalk was still hot, but the window shoppers were starting to dwindle as the sun sunk lower in the sky. As they reached the Impala, Cas could now fully understand on a real and human level, why the Winchesters thought of this object as home. It was safe, and an enormous relief to return to. She collapsed into the backseat, exhausted from all the excitement, angelic healing, and psychic trickery. Poor Dean Winchester. He just couldn’t escape from traveling companions with supernatural powers they couldn’t fully control.
* * * *
It was dark when Castiel next woke up, but they were still driving. The car was quiet, with the radio turned low and the sounds of breathing the only things keeping the space from complete quiet. Tall pine trees lined the road, illuminated starkly in the car’s headlights as they past. It was eerie.
Castiel wondered if, after what had happened that afternoon, Dean was still sticking to his original plan. Maybe he’d be too worried to stop at all, or have come up with some alternative idea to obtain the supplies for hex bags. To her surprise, the information didn’t just spill off of Dean in an uncontrollable stream of thoughts and carefully measured emotions as it had before.
Dean wanted Cas to stay out of his head, but she had to know, was she gaining abilities or losing them? Cautiously she pried at Dean’s consciousness and immediately knew that, no, his plan had not changed. There was a town up ahead and when they reached it Dean would make an abrupt turn south.
Dean was also more emotional than before. Perhaps since he thought Castiel was asleep, he was being less guarded? Whatever the case, it was overwhelming. Cas had only peeked for a second, but she got it all. The man missed so much.
He missed the way things used to be with his brother, and the love he had for those times and those memories was huge. Castiel knew that this was a common thought in Dean’s mind. In the past year as he got to know Dean, he was often missing Sam, despite the fact that Sam was just one motel bed over, or sitting right beside him in the Impala.
Following that there was anger at Ruby, but that was nothing new or particularly interesting. He blamed Ruby for a lot of his sadness.
But most overwhelming, especially since the feelings were in the forefront for Dean, was the great fondness he felt for Cas. Without Sam’s trust, Dean had jumped head first into trusting Castiel. And now there was so much affection that when Cas felt it, it caught in her throat. Dean missed the way things used to be between him and Cas, and what Sam had said earlier was true-since Castiel had disappeared Dean had been drifting. He knew there was this great big apocalypse going on, but even his connection to Sam wasn’t enough to keep him going.
Probably because his life with Sam was changed too. Nothing was how it used to be. And yet, while Dean missed the old Castiel, he was quickly attached to how she was now. He wanted to hug her and stroke her hair, and get the syrup out of it, and keep her safe. It was comforting.
And it was definitely different from how Dean had felt about her before yesterday. Back when she was in Jimmy’s body and Dean felt a mix of fear, affection, and desire. Now it seemed boiled down to just affection. And quite a bit of worry. He had so much affection and the thought that she might have been hurt today almost made him sick.
It was similar to the dread Jimmy had felt for his daughter during the final moments of his life. Castiel took care to check on the child’s soul once more, always concerned that it might slip away while she rested. With her abilities regaining, all seemed well for now.
Castiel rode in the backseat and didn’t say anything. Watching the trees slip past the window until finally Dean pulled into a motel for the night. He turned to Sam.
“Paper, rock, scissors for who has to share a bed tonight.”
Sam stuck out a fist without even looking at Dean, and shook it in the air three times before choosing “rock”.
“Aw crap,” said Dean, then turned back to Castiel. “You better not be a bed hog tonight, because I’m driving and need my sleep, got that?”
Castiel nodded and a small smile played across her lips. She was stuck staying with the Winchesters, but things could be worse.
* * * *
Sleeping arrangements were cramped but cozy, and everyone was for the most part comfortable. Until in the middle of the night when Sam awoke, thrashing around in his blankets before getting up and pacing the room.
“Sorry Cas,” sighed Dean. “We were past this, but then...”
Castiel rubbed her eyes and sat up to watch as Dean put his arms around his brother, who was possibly sleep walking-Cas wasn’t sure, and led him back to sit on the side of his bed. He rubbed his shoulders. “I’m gonna get you some water Sam. Do you want some water?”
Sam pulled an arm back and hit Dean across the head.
“Okay Sammy,” Dean tousled his hair. “You just look after Cas and I’ll be back in a sec.”
Sam dropped his head into his hands and began scratching at his forehead until Dean returned from the bathroom with the ice bucket full of water. “Here ya go, Sam.” Dean held the bucket up to his brother’s lips, and with the other arm held Sam close to himself.
Other than that, things were uneventful. The days were spent driving, eating fast food, Castiel learning that some fast food made her sick. Nights were sleeping, and sometimes helping Sam. The second time he had one of these episodes Castiel went to fetch the water, allowing Dean to stay with him the entire time. It was hardly anything, but it was the first time Castiel felt helpful since she’d arrived.
They were packing up to head back out on the road on the fourth day, when Sam suggested Castiel needed a shower.
“I do?”
“Yeah. You smell like… All the fast food you’ve been eating. And like you got sick twice. And like you’ve been sleeping next to Dean’s smelly ass for three nights.”
“Hey!” said Dean. “At least I’m not the one who hasn’t showered in… ever.”
Castiel was used to these things being automatic. She never needed to wash, because her body never even got the chance to become dirty. Human body functions weren’t necessary with an angel present, and while her body did become dirty in the first day she was with the Winchester’s, by the time she’d regained her abilities it was back to normal.
The only thing that could’ve changed was her continuing to lose her connection with Heaven. Now even the simplest of tasks was out of her reach. Was it over? Was she completely cut off now? The process had started slow at first, but accelerated as time went on. How would she be able to tell when there was no further left to fall?
“I will go make use of the shower,” she said, before Sam promised to take her for clothes shopping later.
“Really?” asked Dean. After the incident with Ruby, he didn’t want to linger in any place they didn’t have to. “She can have another of my shirts.”
“It seems necessary, Dean. Yeah,” said Sam, and something about the way he said it seemed to settle the matter. Which was how, an hour later, Castiel found herself browsing through racks of clothing at a brightly lit WalMart store.
“This is nice,” said Sam. He held up a pink shirt with pictures of purple ladybugs and polka-dot ribbons.
Castiel frowned. That shirt seemed far too childish. But oh, here was one that was blue, with green swirly designs on it. They were kind of like flowers, but swirlier. It reminded Cas of a garden silhouetted against the sky. She liked it.
“I like this one,” said Cas.
“Okay, so blue is more your style then, huh?” Sam noted, putting another pink shirt back on the rack. Dean was busy looking through jeans, picking out pairs that were marked as the same size as the pair Castiel was wearing. He said she would have to try them on before they purchased any.
“But if they are the same size, shouldn’t they be the same size? Shouldn’t we know they fit?”
“In theory, but alas, the world is a terrible place,” Dean said, dropping what had to be at least eight pairs of pants into her arms and smiling. “Go in and see what fits.”
“I’m now questioning if perhaps my superiors in Heaven weren’t correct. Perhaps this world wasn’t deserved to be saved.”
Dean chuckled. “That was a joke, right?”
“Yes, I meant it to be. Was it funny?”
“Go try on the jeans, Cas.”
Two pairs of jeans, five t-shirts, two plaid over shirts, underwear, socks, and a pair of pajama bottoms later, Sam finally said they had enough clothes and could leave the store.
“Finally,” said Dean. Castiel agreed with the sentiment. The WalMart felt a bit like a giant cave with fluorescent lighting, and was so large it was easy to forget there was a world outside the building, or that sunshine existed at all. All the while announcements advertising big deals on paper towels played from the speakers overhead, loudly enough to drown out conversation.
It was not unlike some corners of Hell Castiel had visited during her search for Dean.
As they made their way to the checkout, Dean kept grabbing things off the shelves. Food items mostly. “Jeez Dean, you trying to give us diabetes now?” asked Sam after the third package of cookies was dropped into the cart.
Dean shrugged.
If Castiel had found the rest of the store unpleasant, it was nothing compared to the checkout counters. The noise of the annoying advertisements was all but drowned out by the loud beeps the registers made. Customers were all milling about, waiting in lines and trying to maneuver carts, and no one seemed in a good mood save for Dean, who was still happily putting candy and soft drinks into the cart.
Magazines and gum lined the checkout aisles and… Who was that? Castiel was drawn to one of the magazines-one of the ones with a bubbly font and hearts on the cover, clearly meant to cater to younger customers. Customers of the age of Claire Novak, and now, apparently, Castiel.
“Who is Justin Bieber?” she asked, staring at the magazine.
Dean raised his eyebrows. Sam laughed a little, then bit his lip.
“Is he a comedian?”
“No,” said Dean, now also laughing. Justin Bieber sure was hilarious for someone who wasn’t a comedian. And he was so… cute? Scratch the butterfly feelings Castiel had felt for Dean before. Clearly that was because he was one of only two attractive people around. Just the mere photograph of Justin Bieber was enough for Castiel to feel her breathing pattern change. Perhaps her body’s reactions were greater now that she was so much closer to being human? So human that she had to shower and change clothes. It didn’t really matter, for the fact was that Justin Bieber was easily the most interesting person on the planet.
“I need to get this magazine,” she announced, and put it in the cart same as Dean was doing with all his junk.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Dean plucked the magazine from the cart, holding it like it was a snotted tissue. “You can’t just put anything in the cart. The cart has standards.”
“Oh Dean, come on,” said Sam. “She obviously has a little crush. It’s adorable. Let her have her magazine.”
“I do not have a crush,” Castiel whispered, refusing to make eye contact with Sam. Honestly he might be correct, but that was just… It was scary. She didn’t want to be that human yet, because she’d never come back. She’d never be an angel again.
“Yeah, but… Bieber? Really? Our angel has Bieber Fever?”
Sam sighed. “Maybe we should all just take a moment and face it that Castiel is a ten year old girl.”
Castiel fumed. She was not! She was using a ten-year-old girl as a vessel, but she was an angel of the lord!
“I’m not a little girl,” she told Sam, glaring up at him all-knowingly.
Sam raised his eyebrows. “Then why have you been eating food, having to use the bathroom, needing to purchase clean clothes? I don’t recall angels doing any of those things.”
“The angels you’ve met in the past hadn’t recently been stabbed!” Castiel said a bit too loudly. The woman in front of them in the queue turned to give her an admonishing look.
“Cas,” Dean said, and he was speaking in his comforting tone he used when Sam got up in the middle of the night. “I’m sorry, but we’re not stupid. Angels can fall, right? If that’s what’s happening here, just tell us, okay? We’re not gonna kick you out of the club.”
Castiel’s neck grew hot and she didn’t know if it was embarrassment or anger. “These inquiries fall under the category of None of Your Business,” she stated firmly, then turned to walk out to the car, leaving the Winchesters to pay. She hated it. Storming out really lacked all style when one didn’t have wings. Getting out to the car took forever.
Castiel had never wanted to use her angelic powers and spy on someone more. There was no doubt that the Winchesters were talking about her right now. To drop in unseen and listen to the conversation would be ideal, but of course, as soon as she felt she really needed that ability it was gone.
It seemed like Sam and Dean had been in the store forever, but this must be another being human thing, and even the perception of time was screwed up. Eventually the brothers came out to the car, plastic bags filled with Castiel’s new clothes and Dean’s snacks. Dean got in and tossed a few bags into the back beside her. “We’ll stop for food in a bit and you can change into some of your new clothes,” he said. But Castiel observed that there were at least five more bags of stuff. No wonder they’d taken so long! They’d gone back shopping without her.
Sam got in the car, then twisted around in his seat to face her. “So Cas,” he started, “If there’s one thing that Dean and I are experts in, it’s what it’s like to be a kid stuck in the back of the Impala for days on end.”
Dean pulled a stuffed animal out of a shopping bag and placed it in Cas’ lap. It was a dog, and it was wearing a sparkly dress and had angel wings. “This just reminded me of you,” he said. “I don’t know why.”
Castiel was silent, and gulped back a lump in her throat. She wasn’t sad because of the dog, or its angel wings. She was glad to have Dean.
“I don’t know how much you like to read, or if you’ll get carsick,” said Sam, “but I found this book. You might like it. It’s a science fiction book, for kids. See, they live in space.”
Castiel took the paperback volume, flipping it over and back, inspecting the cover. It was fiction, and she wasn’t really sure if she was interested in fiction. Maybe now that she was human she would find made up stories to be more interesting. In any case, it was nice of Sam to think of her and purchase a gift. “Thank you, Sam. It looks very nice.”
“Okay, reading’s good and all, but it’s also important to make sure you’ve always got a steady supply of snacks,” said Dean, to absolutely no one’s surprise, and he tossed over an entire bag full of chips, cookies, candies, and something called Fruit Roll Ups. Also in the bag was the Justin Bieber magazine. Castiel pulled it out excitedly, letting the snacks fall to the floor.
“Doesn’t he seem like the most interesting person?” she asked. “I wonder what he does to be famous.”
Sam shook his head, and pulled out yet another bag of presents for Castiel. “He’s a musician Cas. He sings songs, and lots of girls your age like him.”
“They go apeshit over this guy. We found a nest of changlings like a month back, and one of the kid’s rooms was plastered in posters.” Dean shuddered. “He’s eyes followed me around the room. It was creepier than the changling kid.”
“And you agreed to get the magazine anyway?”
“Yeah, whatever. But we are not playing that ‘Baby, baby, oh’ shit in my car. I’m drawing the line.” Dean started the car.
Sam was still fumbling with something in the front seat, so Castiel leaned over to see what it was. “I got you a portable CD player,” Sam explained, biting at a package of double A batteries that didn’t want to open. “Dean won’t have to hear it if you want to listen to Bieber. Besides, this is way more age appropriate than having a crush on Dean.”
Castiel’s skin prickled with embarrassment and she sat back down. “I do not have a crush on Dean,” she said emphatically. At this point she felt the statement was true. Who could have a crush on Dean when they had a Justin Bieber magazine to look at?
* * * *
Castiel couldn’t sleep. Sam was sleeping soundly in the next bed, and Dean was snoring in her ear, with his arm curled above her head on her pillow, but it wasn’t his snores that were keeping her awake. She just felt alone. It was so cold all of a sudden and she felt panicked.
Dean’s snores stopped, and he leaned over her to click on the lamp. Castiel realized she was hyperventilating and sobbing, and her hair was tangled in her face, and she couldn’t… Dean wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap. Gently he tucked her hair back so he could see her face, and he started running his hand up and down her arm in a soothing motion. “What’s wrong? Cas, can you tell me about it?”
She struggled to catch her breath, but she still felt so terrifyingly alone, the aloneness so all-consuming that she scarcely remembered where she was. Even though Dean’s body was warm against hers, she was cold and empty. She could feel it on the inside, there was a space inside of her, and then she knew. Claire Novak had gone.
“It’s Claire,” she gasped. “She’s gone.”
Dean tucked her head into his chest, holding her there while she sobbed, smearing tears and snot across his shirt. After several minutes Dean said, “You’re just going to have to live the most you can in her place, Cas.”
“She died,” said Cas. Her voice sounding as shocked as she felt. She’d fallen completely and couldn’t hang onto Claire’s soul anymore. “She’s dead.”
It was generally considered uncouth to take a child for a vessel, but it certainly wasn’t unheard of. Angels didn’t have any emotion regarding the human life, it was just sort of a general thing… Based on the values of human cultures. Castiel had hoped to only possess Claire for a short amount of time. The year or so until the apocalypse ended, and then she would be free to live in a new world, unburdened by free will.
The fact that she was gone now was all Castiel’s fault; all the result of decisions the angel had made. She could almost comprehend the levels of guilt Dean Winchester constantly seemed to feel.
Cas looked up at him, and where a tear and traced down his cheek. Then Sam got up again, pacing and mumbling and tearing at his hair.
“Cas?” Dean squeezed her tight. “Go get some water, okay?”
She nodded and got up, heading to the bathroom. She still felt empty and hollow inside all the while she and Dean helped Sam stave off his craving for demon blood. She shivered as Dean soothed him back to sleep, but she was able to get up. She got more water when they needed it, and she could still be helpful, if only just a little bit.
When Sam was finally asleep again, Dean clicked out the lamp. Castiel didn’t have anyone to hold on to anymore. No soul to watch over and make sure she stayed where she was supposed to be. She shuddered again with another sob, and Dean hung on to her instead.
* * * *
“Okay, that’s enough moping,” said Dean. “Get up, let’s get the show on the road.”
The sun had been up for at least three hours, but Cas had no desire to extricate herself from her blankets. She buried her face in her pillow. “’M not moping,” she mumbled. She felt that, all things considered, she was perfectly reasonable in not wanting to sit in the car all day. Blessedly, she felt no emotions about it and it was a nice change. Just let Zachariah find them, she didn’t care.
She liked not feeling anything. The emotions of humanity were complicated and misguiding and led Castiel to doubt her every impulse. Now though, she didn’t doubt anything. It was a bad thing that Claire Novak had left this vessel, and there was no doubt that Claire had way more claim to the body than Castiel ever would. It was bad that Castiel had come to the Winchesters-they were no longer saving people from monsters while they attended to her.
Castiel was just a collection of bad things. And she didn’t care. She felt blank and she liked it. It was easier.
From outside the muffled sounds of her pillow, Cas heard the motel door slam and Sam’s large feet clomped across the room to stand next to the bed. He didn’t pause to talk or reason with her, just pushed her so she rolled over and was looking at the ceiling. “I got you stickers,” said Sam. “But I left them in the car, so you better get up.”
“I don’t want stickers,” said Cas, and it was worse now, looking around the room and talking to Sam about things she could have, tempting her into feeling sad again. “Go away, Sam.”
Sam sighed and got up, glancing helplessly at his brother. He was nice for wanting to help her and be kind to her, but she didn’t deserve it. She hated Sam at the moment and wanted him to go away, so she glared at him. Then glared at Dean too, for good measure. Maybe they would leave her here for Zachariah and go on and live their lives.
Dean looked unsure of what to do, but told Sam to bring the bags out to the car. Good, get out of here. But Dean didn’t follow his brother, instead setting his pillows up so he could sit up on the bed. He pulled Castiel onto his lap and held her like an infant. Castiel elbowed him in the ribs and punched his shoulder.
She just wanted him to leave. She wished she could leave. Being human sucked. She couldn’t fly away, disappearing from Dean’s arms like she’d never been there. And hitting and kicking did nothing. Dean was an adult and Cas was stuck as a child. She pulled up her legs and kicked her heel into his leg for good measure. At least, she could admit that lashing out like this was a distraction from the whole Claire situation.
She wanted to pretend that letting Claire Novak die wouldn’t have bothered her this much if she were still an angel. That it was just that she was a human now that made her so upset.
“So, Justin Bieber, huh?” Dean asked, the question coming out of nowhere. It was enough to make Cas stop and look into his eyes. She could feel his heart hammering in his chest and knew he was just grasping at anything to make Cas feel better. Too bad Cas didn’t want to feel better.
She glared at him again, then tried to squirm off his lap. She figured she’d lock herself in the bathroom until Dean ditched her here. But Dean held her tight and she couldn’t escape.
“Tell me why you like him,” Dean suggested.
Cas refused to answer for several minutes, but Dean just kept looking at her, willing her to think about anything in this world that made her feel happy. Anything that let her forget about the apocalypse, and to feel like a ten year old kid. Finally she gave in.
“Sam says many children my age find him irresistible. I suppose I am now susceptible to human impulses.”
Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I figured. Ever since you wanted ice cream and a mood ring.”
Cas scowled at him again and squirmed around trying to get free. “I don’t want a mood ring Dean. Just leave me alone.” She’d give anything to have her wings back. She wanted to hug herself around Claire’s soul again and feel grounded in this body and not alone. She wanted to go back in time and let Sam out of the panic room so none of this would happen this way. She wanted Dean to let her go, and she scratched at his face and elbowed him in the ribs again, anger bubbling at how ineffectual she was.
“When we stop tonight, I’ll watch Bieber videos on YouTube with you,” Dean offered. This was a significant offer coming from Dean, who would sooner shove bits of glass in his ears than listen to a Justin Bieber song. “If you want, that is.”
And then she felt tears prickling at her eyes again. She cried quietly, her breathing even and calm while the anger ebbed away. Dean held her close for a long time, until he finally whispered to the top of her head, “We should probably get a move on.”
“Thank you for buying me that stuffed dog,” Cas sniffed. “It’s very nice.” It was out in the car, and Dean intended to carry Castiel out there whether she wanted or not, she realized. But she would hug her arms around the stuffed toy and make the object her entire world. If she couldn’t escape the situation the way she would have as an angel, the best she could manage was to escape in the manner of a child.
“You like it?”
Cas chewed on the inside of her cheek.
“I was worried it would make you sad. Y’know, since you’re not an angel anymore. But then I figured the dog was never an angel, and she’s got wings. You can be whatever you want.”
“Thank you Dean.”
“You… You could name the dog after Claire,” Dean suggested.
The suggestion renewed Castiel’s rage and it pounded against her ears. Her jaw clenched and she looked back at Dean with pure venom. “No. Claire Novak is not a stuffed object meant only to pacify me. She was a person and she never should’ve been allowed to die.”
Dean gasped. “I know,” he said. Then just as she was expecting, he carried Cas out to the car where Sam was waiting behind the steering wheel.
“I’ll drive,” he said. “Unless you want the distraction.”
“No,” said Dean, and he slumped into the passenger seat looking exhausted.
Castiel threw the stuffed dog out the window and into the parking lot, before slumping over, feeling just as tired as Dean looked.
* * * *
“Cas,” Dean’s voice filtered through the fog of sleep. “Cas.”
Castiel awoke in the back of the car, snuggled up against the door using a dirty shirt as a pillow. A green soldier toy filled her entire field of vision.
“Cas!” Dean was practically shouting now.
Castiel rubbed her eyes awake and propped herself up on an elbow. “What is it, Dean?”
“You,” he paused for some sort of dramatic affect, “just got a text.”
Dean flashed the phone in her face, but it was difficult to focus on. She grabbed his wrist to hold the phone steady. The text read: Singer Salvage Yard. Hurry.
“Who’s it from?” Dean demanded.
“Wha?”
“It’s from whoever you contacted with this phone. Who is it?”
“Oh.” Castiel weighed the advantages of saying the name aloud, still worried about being overheard. But if she said to hurry, she might be in trouble. “It’s Anna.”
“Anna? She’s alive?”
“Yes,” said Cas, hoping that this was the correct answer. “Oh at least I’d assume so. How long ago did you receive that message?”
“Five minutes?”
“It would be incredibly useful if I could still fly us to Bobby’s,” Castiel noted grimly. “We best be on our way.”
“You want us to go to Bobby’s now?” asked Dean. “I thought that was a trap.” But Sam was already pulling the car to the side of the road to turn it around before Cas could even start to reply.
“It is, but Anna would not tell us to go there without good reason. Perhaps it is a trap that is now set.”
Dean gulped at that, and Sam pulled out his phone. “I’m calling Bobby.” Castiel unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned forward to listen in on the call. She still felt numb and sad in a way that she’d never have been able to comprehend as an angel, but the prospect of seeing Anna gave her renewed energy. There was a purpose to her actions right now.
“Hey, buckle up!” Dean scolded. “I don’t need to get pulled over ‘cause you’re halfway in the front seat. And if we crash…”
“Shut up, Dean,” said Cas, her eyes focused on the trilling rings from Sam’s phone, the sound muffled by his head.
The phone rang for what seemed like forever, and it seemed like no one was ever going to pick up, when finally, “Hello. One of the Winchesters I presume. And how’s our dear Cas?” Zachariah’s voice smirked through the line.
“Oh my god. Where’s Bobby?”
“Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam. You’re sounding well.”
“What did you do with Bobby?”
“I’ll be seeing you soon,” said Zachariah, and then the phone clicked dead.
* * * *
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | PDF
Author: sockkiah
Fandom/Genre: Supernatural, gen, kidfic
Pairing(s): none.... some unrequited puppy love
Rating: PG
Word Count: 24,800
Warnings: Character death.
Betas: maskedfangirl & psycocatgirl. More detailed acknowledgments at end of fic.
Artist: lolryne
Art link: Art Masterlist
Summary: It’s been months since Dean has seen or heard from an angel, when Castiel crash lands back in his life. Still in the ten-year-old Claire Novak’s body, she’s been injured and seems like she’ll be grounded with the Winchesters for a while. She also brings news of the apocalypse, how certain parties are still trying to make that happen, and how angels and demons alike have been watching the Winchesters, waiting for an opportune moment to make their move. Meanwhile, Castiel is falling, and as she does she begins to experience the world more and more like a ten-year-old girl.
Castiel watched the lines in the road flick past outside the window, satisfied in knowing Dean had no long term plans, but knowing he did intend to keep driving throughout the day. Then, as it approached nightfall and time to find sleeping accommodations, he planned to turn and backtrack, weaving in a different direction to somewhere no one could have planned for them to be.
Sam’s dreams were fading as he woke, and he was finding the window uncomfortable against his face. It was speeding up his waking process. “Where’re we going?” he asked his brother.
“We’re going to get ice cream.”
Sam glanced back at Cas, mildly suspicious. He assumed Castiel had requested a detour. Dean, Cas now realized, had decided to pull off into a small town based on her desire for sweets. He was frustrated and didn’t seem to know why he was compelled to go for ice cream, but he was fairly certain that Castiel would want strawberry flavor.
She did want strawberry flavor.
So apparently she was also projecting her wants upon others, making them do as would best be in her interest. That wasn’t good at all; how would she turn that off? Usually such things would be something to “turn on”. This wasn’t even something that Castiel had used as an angel save for when she was in Hell to keep demons from detecting her there. It wasn’t something that should even really work on humans, since it was hardly of any use to an angel. If a human were to, for instance, agree to become a vessel, it must be of their own will or it wouldn’t count.
“I apologize Dean,” Cas said, not sure if making a confession was a good idea, but she felt it was even more unethical to keep it a secret. “I was unaware I was engaging in this sort of thought transfer. I didn’t even realize I was capable of it.”
“Seriously?” Dean felt nauseous at the invasion of his mind. Not only were his thoughts not entirely private anymore, but also they weren’t even his thoughts. Castiel was immeasurably guilty.
“I cannot be appropriately apologetic, I know. Unfortunately the ability to suppress my other abilities does not seem to be within my reach yet.”
Dean raised his eyebrows and shook his head like he was trying to shake Castiel out of there. “Seriously?” he asked making exasperated noises. Castiel was disproportionately dismayed. Her emotions seemed under the impression that this was flat out the end of the world. Obviously this wasn’t the end of the world! Castiel had prevented the end of the world… That’s why she was in all this mess now with her angelic abilities zigzagging all over the place! And yet… It really, really seemed like nothing could ever be worse right now. Supposedly this must be a human thing.
In Castiel’s opinion it was getting to be a bit too much. She was really beginning to wonder that Anna had ever willingly signed up for this experience.
At least Dean had for some reason kept them on course to get ice cream. They were now driving down the wide streets of a town that apparently catered to vacationers taking a break from their time on a lake to visit town for a day. There were souvenir shops, a bakery, and tiny bookstores.
“Isn’t that bad?” Sam asked. “Your powers, couldn’t you accidentally smite an entire state or something?”
“No,” Cas giggled nervously. She wasn’t sure why she kept giggling, but more and more it was becoming her reaction to almost every situation. Even as she was gaining angelic traits back, was she somehow delving further and further into humanity? This was the first time Castiel had spent any time with humans since being cut from Heaven. “Perhaps someone could be mysteriously healed as we pass by.”
“Nothing big though, eh?” asked Dean.
Castiel blushed, not at all wanting to answer why. Castiel’s abilities to do anything “big” had faded since before dropping into the motel room yesterday. And they would never be coming back. “No,” she whispered. “Nothing big.”
“There’s a load of wash in the trunk,” Dean pointed out, chuckling at his own witty suggestion. Castiel liked that. It lightened the mood of the awkward situation. “Crusted on monster guts and everything. It’d be awesome if you could take care of that.”
“I’ll do my best,” Cas said, smiling shyly at the rearview mirror. The flip-floppy feeling in her tummy had returned.
“So,” Sam interjected more seriously. “Does that mean you’re healed then? Should we remove the stitches, or do those get angeled out?”
“No Sam. Unfortunately the only thing that will heal my injuries is time. Oh, there’s an ice cream place!” Cas pointed out the window at a hole in the wall ice cream shop with a large, wooden, pink ice cream cone out front. With sprinkles. It appeared to be packed with touristy patrons.
Dean was weighing in his mind the long line and how long they would inevitably be in town if they stopped here. But he conceded and agreed, pulling the Impala into a parallel parking spot a couple blocks up from the shop.
It was a hot day, with a bright blue sky, and people smelling like sweat and sunscreen as they milled around on the steaming sidewalks. No one was in a big hurry, most of them window shopping and watching over kids who browsed the candy cigarettes and fake dog poop. All the shops had the doors wide open, inviting the window shoppers inside and allowing peeks at teenagers in short shorts, spending too long at the registers, trying on mood rings.
Castiel kind of wanted a mood ring, but Dean was on mission toward the ice cream place, and even if part of him felt a pull to go back and buy a ring for Cas, he was now ignoring it, recognizing it for what it was. He wasn’t about to be a victim of mind control. Not unless he got ice cream as a prize anyway.
Castiel hoped that he didn’t know she wanted the jewelry. She didn’t want him to think she was a stupid girl, and she was pretty sure he would for wanting something so frivolous, even if it was really cool and changed colors. He probably already thought she was stupid for leading them to stop for ice cream. Ugh, Cas wanted to bury herself. Why couldn’t she have wanted to stop for pie at least?
Sam looked over at her, and put a long arm around her shoulder, smiling reassuringly. “Dean’s going to like you no matter what you ever do,” he said.
Oh no, Sam knew what she was feeling now? Castiel’s face was hot, and it wasn’t just from the sun. But of course Sam was just as likely to be the recipient of Castiel’s whims as Dean was, she was just inexplicably focused on Dean, so hadn’t even thought of Sam.
That probably had something to do with human emotions too, and she once again wondered if she might not be finding Dean attractive. Or maybe it was just because Dean was the one who kept acting upset. Sam still had his arm around her shoulder though, and likely would pick up on this idle curiosity, so she quickly did her best to stop thinking about it.
“How do you know?” Castiel asked, before realizing Sam too had powers that Dean didn’t approve of, and yet Dean had stuck by Sam’s side through everything.
“You popped in yesterday,” Sam said, “and Dean came alive again. He’s been more focused since you’ve showed up than I’ve seen him since we went to go get you and found Jimmy instead.”
“He doesn’t even know where we’re going.”
“Doesn’t matter. We’re going nowhere with purpose.” Sam tugged Cas’ shoulders closer in sort of a hug that didn’t interrupt their walking. Cas smiled, liking the gesture and feeling quite affectionate towards Sam. And she was glad she hadn’t let him out of the panic room that night, not just because it saved the world, but because it saved Sam too.
The ice cream shop was indeed very crowded. Cas and Sam joined Dean where he was already saving them a spot in line. And no wonder this place was so busy, Cas thought when she caught sight of the ice cream list. There was every flavor she could think of, and three different options for cones. Or you could get your ice cream in a dish, but after observing the selections of several customers, Cas decided that she definitely wanted a cone. A waffle cone. She wanted ice cream that looked just like the wooden ice cream cone on the sign.
Finally they made it to the front, and Dean ordered for Cas, knowing already exactly what she’d want. Then he got himself something chocolate with lots of candies imbedded in it, also in a waffle cone, and Sam ordered a dish of an ice cream that had chunks of raspberries. They made their way out to the street and continued down the sidewalk away from where the Impala was parked, heading toward a park.
The park was busy with more people, several of them fishing in a stream that cut through the space, or feeding ducks. Castiel saw a patch of willow trees where no one was sitting, and thought that an ideal place to be, sitting between the tree and its low hanging leaves, letting them hide them like a beaded curtain. She didn’t have to say anything; the brothers already knew where she was headed.
It was ideal, sitting under the tree. Pink ice cream melted down her wrist, but it wasn’t as sticky as the syrup, and in this case it wasn’t a case of her being inept with a fork, but simply that the sun melted the food faster than she could eat it. Dean was having a similar problem, although he was a bit faster at catching the drips, so it wasn’t embarrassing at all.
Sam finished his ice cream first, then lay in the grass, his hands behind his head. The sun dappled shadows over all three of them, and truly Castiel felt as relaxed as Sam Winchester looked.
Until something sunk in her stomach. Cas looked around trying to find the source of her sudden dread, but everything was pristine, a sunny, cheerful park. It couldn’t be Zachariah. Not even he would be quite this brash to actually show up at a public park. No, he’d wait at a motel room, then kidnap both Winchesters with the snap of a finger and keep them hostage on opposite sides of the country. If he showed up, everyone else would too, just to keep him from getting away with it. And sinking feeling or not, Castiel would notice someone if groups of angels and demons were showing up.
So maybe it was nothing, but something just wasn’t sitting right in Cas’ stomach, and it wasn’t the ice cream-that was delicious. If Lilith showed up, she’d be here to kill Sam. With the apocalypse not going off according to plan, she seemed to be of the mindset that she may as well live a little longer. Zachariah had every intention of tracking her down and making her play her part too, and she likely would if pressed. And then again maybe not. If she showed up alone it was probably to kill Sam. That would derail the apocalypse for at least another twenty years or so.
Or maybe it was Ruby. Once she thought of it, Castiel realized that this felt exactly like the duplicitous soul of the demon encroaching into her consciousness. Ruby wanted to feed Sam demon blood, so in all likelihood she wanted the same thing Zachariah did. But at this point there was no real reason for her to be involved. Ruby had alienated herself from every demon in Hell, so she wanted the glory. She wanted to be the one to make Sam do it, and to be there when the cage opened.
The good thing was, no one really cared about Ruby, and she wouldn’t kill Sam. The bad thing was, she wouldn’t hesitate to kill Cas or Dean. And she seemed to be right on the other side of the willow tree.
“What’s wrong?” Dean looked concerned at her stricken face. Cas flicked her eyes toward the tree and Dean made to get up to investigate.
“No, don’t,” Cas said, her eyes wide as her mind scrambled for a plan. She knew full well Ruby was here to kill her, and without any angel powers she felt useless. She didn’t even have any weapons. Save for her fists, which she had no experience using and really, wasn’t sure how strong this body was without a full strength angel in it.
“What? Is something wrong?” Sam wondered. And then Ruby stepped out from her hiding place.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Dean’s mind seethed, and Castiel’s thoughts echoed that sentiment exactly. She put on her most stoic face and did her best to appear completely unfazed by this situation, despite the way her vessel’s heart was hammering against her ribs.
Ruby didn’t spare her so much as a glance, instead keeping her eyes glued on Sam.
“Ruby?” Sam asked, perching himself up on his elbows, his eyes all wide and innocent as he approached her.
She broke into a wide grin, as if nothing could be more normal. Like they had an appointment or something. “Sam! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Oh god, Sam, I hope you’re okay.”
The words were false, but they fell from her lips so truthfully. Sam wanted to believe them.
“You left me.” Sam’s voice was small, and Cas could feel how fragile he felt. But he was also angry. Angry and lost and he still somehow cared for the demon, but he wanted her to hurt the way he had.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I couldn’t find you. Not until that angel was using its powers, and then I felt that and found you. It’s all gonna be okay now!”
Castiel narrowed her eyes, hiding how she was maybe a little nervous. There really wasn’t anything to do but watch this play out. Dean was kicking himself for leaving the car fully stocked with weapons and not bringing a single one with. Castiel tried to let him know via her thoughts, that it was okay. Not his fault.
Dean would never believe that any of this wasn’t his fault. He was considering his options as well as Cas was considering hers, both of them trying to figure out Ruby’s plan here. How was she planning on convincing Sam to go with her? No doubt she would just pin them both to the tree if it came to it, and they tried to stop Sam from going with her.
“You left me. Now you show up in the middle of some random park? Dragging Dean and Cas into your messed up scenario,” Sam glowered.
Ruby rolled her eyes, but somehow they didn’t lose an ounce of their sincerity. “I know, Sam,” she said earnestly, “and I’m sorry about your little… family picnic, or whatever this is. But how else could I talk to you?”
“My phone number never changed you know.”
Ruby’s demeanor faltered for just a second, and Castiel could watch her brain scrambling for a lie to cover this. It only took a second.
“Mine did. My phone smashed and I lost your info. Sam I was looking for you, I swear!”
Sam got up and stepped toward her. He was very deliberate and calculating with each stride that brought him closer to the demon. Castiel knew she should keep on trying to stay out of others’ heads, but she really couldn’t, and in this instance it was fascinating.
Ruby was focused on Sam. She could visualize him walking away with her, getting into her car, finding some demon to kill and drink the blood. Sam didn’t know any of that, and was being led by his emotions. Castiel was convinced that he would go with her.
“Ruby, just get out of here,” he said finally, his jaw set.
“Come with me Sam,” her eyes pleaded and Sam was drawn into them.
But they weren’t her real eyes. “No,” said Sam, and Ruby’s eyes flashed ink.
“I won’t leave you again, I promise. You can have as much as you want. Forever, Sam.”
“Get the fuck out of here Ruby,” Sam was seething. He never wanted to see her again. He also wanted to see her always, and to pick up where they’d left off after he’d last seen her. He wanted to hold her close to him and for them to be a part of each other. He wanted to feel like he was doing good, and to feel good, and he missed so much.
His thoughts and emotions were much more confusing than Castiel’s, and once again she really wished she could just shut them all out. Thank God her emotions weren’t so complicated at least.
Sam missed Ruby so much and he punched her.
The demon’s head flung back, then she cracked it upright again, blood dripping from her lip. And Sam was overwhelmed by something that Castiel didn’t recognize. She’d never felt anything like it, and while Cas was new to emotions, she was pretty sure this wasn’t a common thing.
It was sharp and dull, and all encompassing. There was nothing else in the world and it was right in front of Sam’s face.
“Sam!” she shouted, bolting up and running toward him. “Sam, it’s okay. She needs to go now.”
Ruby turned to Castiel and then she was in the air, flying out of control until her head hit something with a thunk.
* * * *
The world blurred back into Castiel’s vision, and she realized she was still sitting underneath the willow tree. Some ducks swam passed in the pond next to their spot, and Castiel watched them go by as the world came back into focus. Her head was propped up on Dean’s overshirt, she realized, but Dean was sitting a few feet away, talking to Sam.
Castiel sat up, then scrunched up her face as she realized her skull was throbbing.
Dean turned to her immediately. “How’s your head?”
Cas gave him a look that said he was stupid just for asking, so Dean decided to explain that she’d gotten tossed headfirst at the tree, but she’d be fine. And apparently Sam had thrown Ruby out, or scared her off or something. Her demon powers didn’t work against him, of course.
Sam was quiet though.
“That’s it. No more stops for fun,” said Dean. “C’mon let’s get back to the car. We can put an ice pack on your head.”
“No need,” Cas pointed at her head, her hair even more a tangled mess now than it was before. “Angel healing powers are back.”
The sidewalk was still hot, but the window shoppers were starting to dwindle as the sun sunk lower in the sky. As they reached the Impala, Cas could now fully understand on a real and human level, why the Winchesters thought of this object as home. It was safe, and an enormous relief to return to. She collapsed into the backseat, exhausted from all the excitement, angelic healing, and psychic trickery. Poor Dean Winchester. He just couldn’t escape from traveling companions with supernatural powers they couldn’t fully control.
* * * *
It was dark when Castiel next woke up, but they were still driving. The car was quiet, with the radio turned low and the sounds of breathing the only things keeping the space from complete quiet. Tall pine trees lined the road, illuminated starkly in the car’s headlights as they past. It was eerie.
Castiel wondered if, after what had happened that afternoon, Dean was still sticking to his original plan. Maybe he’d be too worried to stop at all, or have come up with some alternative idea to obtain the supplies for hex bags. To her surprise, the information didn’t just spill off of Dean in an uncontrollable stream of thoughts and carefully measured emotions as it had before.
Dean wanted Cas to stay out of his head, but she had to know, was she gaining abilities or losing them? Cautiously she pried at Dean’s consciousness and immediately knew that, no, his plan had not changed. There was a town up ahead and when they reached it Dean would make an abrupt turn south.
Dean was also more emotional than before. Perhaps since he thought Castiel was asleep, he was being less guarded? Whatever the case, it was overwhelming. Cas had only peeked for a second, but she got it all. The man missed so much.
He missed the way things used to be with his brother, and the love he had for those times and those memories was huge. Castiel knew that this was a common thought in Dean’s mind. In the past year as he got to know Dean, he was often missing Sam, despite the fact that Sam was just one motel bed over, or sitting right beside him in the Impala.
Following that there was anger at Ruby, but that was nothing new or particularly interesting. He blamed Ruby for a lot of his sadness.
But most overwhelming, especially since the feelings were in the forefront for Dean, was the great fondness he felt for Cas. Without Sam’s trust, Dean had jumped head first into trusting Castiel. And now there was so much affection that when Cas felt it, it caught in her throat. Dean missed the way things used to be between him and Cas, and what Sam had said earlier was true-since Castiel had disappeared Dean had been drifting. He knew there was this great big apocalypse going on, but even his connection to Sam wasn’t enough to keep him going.
Probably because his life with Sam was changed too. Nothing was how it used to be. And yet, while Dean missed the old Castiel, he was quickly attached to how she was now. He wanted to hug her and stroke her hair, and get the syrup out of it, and keep her safe. It was comforting.
And it was definitely different from how Dean had felt about her before yesterday. Back when she was in Jimmy’s body and Dean felt a mix of fear, affection, and desire. Now it seemed boiled down to just affection. And quite a bit of worry. He had so much affection and the thought that she might have been hurt today almost made him sick.
It was similar to the dread Jimmy had felt for his daughter during the final moments of his life. Castiel took care to check on the child’s soul once more, always concerned that it might slip away while she rested. With her abilities regaining, all seemed well for now.
Castiel rode in the backseat and didn’t say anything. Watching the trees slip past the window until finally Dean pulled into a motel for the night. He turned to Sam.
“Paper, rock, scissors for who has to share a bed tonight.”
Sam stuck out a fist without even looking at Dean, and shook it in the air three times before choosing “rock”.
“Aw crap,” said Dean, then turned back to Castiel. “You better not be a bed hog tonight, because I’m driving and need my sleep, got that?”
Castiel nodded and a small smile played across her lips. She was stuck staying with the Winchesters, but things could be worse.
* * * *
Sleeping arrangements were cramped but cozy, and everyone was for the most part comfortable. Until in the middle of the night when Sam awoke, thrashing around in his blankets before getting up and pacing the room.
“Sorry Cas,” sighed Dean. “We were past this, but then...”
Castiel rubbed her eyes and sat up to watch as Dean put his arms around his brother, who was possibly sleep walking-Cas wasn’t sure, and led him back to sit on the side of his bed. He rubbed his shoulders. “I’m gonna get you some water Sam. Do you want some water?”
Sam pulled an arm back and hit Dean across the head.
“Okay Sammy,” Dean tousled his hair. “You just look after Cas and I’ll be back in a sec.”
Sam dropped his head into his hands and began scratching at his forehead until Dean returned from the bathroom with the ice bucket full of water. “Here ya go, Sam.” Dean held the bucket up to his brother’s lips, and with the other arm held Sam close to himself.
Other than that, things were uneventful. The days were spent driving, eating fast food, Castiel learning that some fast food made her sick. Nights were sleeping, and sometimes helping Sam. The second time he had one of these episodes Castiel went to fetch the water, allowing Dean to stay with him the entire time. It was hardly anything, but it was the first time Castiel felt helpful since she’d arrived.
They were packing up to head back out on the road on the fourth day, when Sam suggested Castiel needed a shower.
“I do?”
“Yeah. You smell like… All the fast food you’ve been eating. And like you got sick twice. And like you’ve been sleeping next to Dean’s smelly ass for three nights.”
“Hey!” said Dean. “At least I’m not the one who hasn’t showered in… ever.”
Castiel was used to these things being automatic. She never needed to wash, because her body never even got the chance to become dirty. Human body functions weren’t necessary with an angel present, and while her body did become dirty in the first day she was with the Winchester’s, by the time she’d regained her abilities it was back to normal.
The only thing that could’ve changed was her continuing to lose her connection with Heaven. Now even the simplest of tasks was out of her reach. Was it over? Was she completely cut off now? The process had started slow at first, but accelerated as time went on. How would she be able to tell when there was no further left to fall?
“I will go make use of the shower,” she said, before Sam promised to take her for clothes shopping later.
“Really?” asked Dean. After the incident with Ruby, he didn’t want to linger in any place they didn’t have to. “She can have another of my shirts.”
“It seems necessary, Dean. Yeah,” said Sam, and something about the way he said it seemed to settle the matter. Which was how, an hour later, Castiel found herself browsing through racks of clothing at a brightly lit WalMart store.
“This is nice,” said Sam. He held up a pink shirt with pictures of purple ladybugs and polka-dot ribbons.
Castiel frowned. That shirt seemed far too childish. But oh, here was one that was blue, with green swirly designs on it. They were kind of like flowers, but swirlier. It reminded Cas of a garden silhouetted against the sky. She liked it.
“I like this one,” said Cas.
“Okay, so blue is more your style then, huh?” Sam noted, putting another pink shirt back on the rack. Dean was busy looking through jeans, picking out pairs that were marked as the same size as the pair Castiel was wearing. He said she would have to try them on before they purchased any.
“But if they are the same size, shouldn’t they be the same size? Shouldn’t we know they fit?”
“In theory, but alas, the world is a terrible place,” Dean said, dropping what had to be at least eight pairs of pants into her arms and smiling. “Go in and see what fits.”
“I’m now questioning if perhaps my superiors in Heaven weren’t correct. Perhaps this world wasn’t deserved to be saved.”
Dean chuckled. “That was a joke, right?”
“Yes, I meant it to be. Was it funny?”
“Go try on the jeans, Cas.”
Two pairs of jeans, five t-shirts, two plaid over shirts, underwear, socks, and a pair of pajama bottoms later, Sam finally said they had enough clothes and could leave the store.
“Finally,” said Dean. Castiel agreed with the sentiment. The WalMart felt a bit like a giant cave with fluorescent lighting, and was so large it was easy to forget there was a world outside the building, or that sunshine existed at all. All the while announcements advertising big deals on paper towels played from the speakers overhead, loudly enough to drown out conversation.
It was not unlike some corners of Hell Castiel had visited during her search for Dean.
As they made their way to the checkout, Dean kept grabbing things off the shelves. Food items mostly. “Jeez Dean, you trying to give us diabetes now?” asked Sam after the third package of cookies was dropped into the cart.
Dean shrugged.
If Castiel had found the rest of the store unpleasant, it was nothing compared to the checkout counters. The noise of the annoying advertisements was all but drowned out by the loud beeps the registers made. Customers were all milling about, waiting in lines and trying to maneuver carts, and no one seemed in a good mood save for Dean, who was still happily putting candy and soft drinks into the cart.
Magazines and gum lined the checkout aisles and… Who was that? Castiel was drawn to one of the magazines-one of the ones with a bubbly font and hearts on the cover, clearly meant to cater to younger customers. Customers of the age of Claire Novak, and now, apparently, Castiel.
“Who is Justin Bieber?” she asked, staring at the magazine.
Dean raised his eyebrows. Sam laughed a little, then bit his lip.
“Is he a comedian?”
“No,” said Dean, now also laughing. Justin Bieber sure was hilarious for someone who wasn’t a comedian. And he was so… cute? Scratch the butterfly feelings Castiel had felt for Dean before. Clearly that was because he was one of only two attractive people around. Just the mere photograph of Justin Bieber was enough for Castiel to feel her breathing pattern change. Perhaps her body’s reactions were greater now that she was so much closer to being human? So human that she had to shower and change clothes. It didn’t really matter, for the fact was that Justin Bieber was easily the most interesting person on the planet.
“I need to get this magazine,” she announced, and put it in the cart same as Dean was doing with all his junk.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Dean plucked the magazine from the cart, holding it like it was a snotted tissue. “You can’t just put anything in the cart. The cart has standards.”
“Oh Dean, come on,” said Sam. “She obviously has a little crush. It’s adorable. Let her have her magazine.”
“I do not have a crush,” Castiel whispered, refusing to make eye contact with Sam. Honestly he might be correct, but that was just… It was scary. She didn’t want to be that human yet, because she’d never come back. She’d never be an angel again.
“Yeah, but… Bieber? Really? Our angel has Bieber Fever?”
Sam sighed. “Maybe we should all just take a moment and face it that Castiel is a ten year old girl.”
Castiel fumed. She was not! She was using a ten-year-old girl as a vessel, but she was an angel of the lord!
“I’m not a little girl,” she told Sam, glaring up at him all-knowingly.
Sam raised his eyebrows. “Then why have you been eating food, having to use the bathroom, needing to purchase clean clothes? I don’t recall angels doing any of those things.”
“The angels you’ve met in the past hadn’t recently been stabbed!” Castiel said a bit too loudly. The woman in front of them in the queue turned to give her an admonishing look.
“Cas,” Dean said, and he was speaking in his comforting tone he used when Sam got up in the middle of the night. “I’m sorry, but we’re not stupid. Angels can fall, right? If that’s what’s happening here, just tell us, okay? We’re not gonna kick you out of the club.”
Castiel’s neck grew hot and she didn’t know if it was embarrassment or anger. “These inquiries fall under the category of None of Your Business,” she stated firmly, then turned to walk out to the car, leaving the Winchesters to pay. She hated it. Storming out really lacked all style when one didn’t have wings. Getting out to the car took forever.
Castiel had never wanted to use her angelic powers and spy on someone more. There was no doubt that the Winchesters were talking about her right now. To drop in unseen and listen to the conversation would be ideal, but of course, as soon as she felt she really needed that ability it was gone.
It seemed like Sam and Dean had been in the store forever, but this must be another being human thing, and even the perception of time was screwed up. Eventually the brothers came out to the car, plastic bags filled with Castiel’s new clothes and Dean’s snacks. Dean got in and tossed a few bags into the back beside her. “We’ll stop for food in a bit and you can change into some of your new clothes,” he said. But Castiel observed that there were at least five more bags of stuff. No wonder they’d taken so long! They’d gone back shopping without her.
Sam got in the car, then twisted around in his seat to face her. “So Cas,” he started, “If there’s one thing that Dean and I are experts in, it’s what it’s like to be a kid stuck in the back of the Impala for days on end.”
Dean pulled a stuffed animal out of a shopping bag and placed it in Cas’ lap. It was a dog, and it was wearing a sparkly dress and had angel wings. “This just reminded me of you,” he said. “I don’t know why.”
Castiel was silent, and gulped back a lump in her throat. She wasn’t sad because of the dog, or its angel wings. She was glad to have Dean.
“I don’t know how much you like to read, or if you’ll get carsick,” said Sam, “but I found this book. You might like it. It’s a science fiction book, for kids. See, they live in space.”
Castiel took the paperback volume, flipping it over and back, inspecting the cover. It was fiction, and she wasn’t really sure if she was interested in fiction. Maybe now that she was human she would find made up stories to be more interesting. In any case, it was nice of Sam to think of her and purchase a gift. “Thank you, Sam. It looks very nice.”
“Okay, reading’s good and all, but it’s also important to make sure you’ve always got a steady supply of snacks,” said Dean, to absolutely no one’s surprise, and he tossed over an entire bag full of chips, cookies, candies, and something called Fruit Roll Ups. Also in the bag was the Justin Bieber magazine. Castiel pulled it out excitedly, letting the snacks fall to the floor.
“Doesn’t he seem like the most interesting person?” she asked. “I wonder what he does to be famous.”
Sam shook his head, and pulled out yet another bag of presents for Castiel. “He’s a musician Cas. He sings songs, and lots of girls your age like him.”
“They go apeshit over this guy. We found a nest of changlings like a month back, and one of the kid’s rooms was plastered in posters.” Dean shuddered. “He’s eyes followed me around the room. It was creepier than the changling kid.”
“And you agreed to get the magazine anyway?”
“Yeah, whatever. But we are not playing that ‘Baby, baby, oh’ shit in my car. I’m drawing the line.” Dean started the car.
Sam was still fumbling with something in the front seat, so Castiel leaned over to see what it was. “I got you a portable CD player,” Sam explained, biting at a package of double A batteries that didn’t want to open. “Dean won’t have to hear it if you want to listen to Bieber. Besides, this is way more age appropriate than having a crush on Dean.”
Castiel’s skin prickled with embarrassment and she sat back down. “I do not have a crush on Dean,” she said emphatically. At this point she felt the statement was true. Who could have a crush on Dean when they had a Justin Bieber magazine to look at?
* * * *
Castiel couldn’t sleep. Sam was sleeping soundly in the next bed, and Dean was snoring in her ear, with his arm curled above her head on her pillow, but it wasn’t his snores that were keeping her awake. She just felt alone. It was so cold all of a sudden and she felt panicked.
Dean’s snores stopped, and he leaned over her to click on the lamp. Castiel realized she was hyperventilating and sobbing, and her hair was tangled in her face, and she couldn’t… Dean wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap. Gently he tucked her hair back so he could see her face, and he started running his hand up and down her arm in a soothing motion. “What’s wrong? Cas, can you tell me about it?”
She struggled to catch her breath, but she still felt so terrifyingly alone, the aloneness so all-consuming that she scarcely remembered where she was. Even though Dean’s body was warm against hers, she was cold and empty. She could feel it on the inside, there was a space inside of her, and then she knew. Claire Novak had gone.
“It’s Claire,” she gasped. “She’s gone.”
Dean tucked her head into his chest, holding her there while she sobbed, smearing tears and snot across his shirt. After several minutes Dean said, “You’re just going to have to live the most you can in her place, Cas.”
“She died,” said Cas. Her voice sounding as shocked as she felt. She’d fallen completely and couldn’t hang onto Claire’s soul anymore. “She’s dead.”
It was generally considered uncouth to take a child for a vessel, but it certainly wasn’t unheard of. Angels didn’t have any emotion regarding the human life, it was just sort of a general thing… Based on the values of human cultures. Castiel had hoped to only possess Claire for a short amount of time. The year or so until the apocalypse ended, and then she would be free to live in a new world, unburdened by free will.
The fact that she was gone now was all Castiel’s fault; all the result of decisions the angel had made. She could almost comprehend the levels of guilt Dean Winchester constantly seemed to feel.
Cas looked up at him, and where a tear and traced down his cheek. Then Sam got up again, pacing and mumbling and tearing at his hair.
“Cas?” Dean squeezed her tight. “Go get some water, okay?”
She nodded and got up, heading to the bathroom. She still felt empty and hollow inside all the while she and Dean helped Sam stave off his craving for demon blood. She shivered as Dean soothed him back to sleep, but she was able to get up. She got more water when they needed it, and she could still be helpful, if only just a little bit.
When Sam was finally asleep again, Dean clicked out the lamp. Castiel didn’t have anyone to hold on to anymore. No soul to watch over and make sure she stayed where she was supposed to be. She shuddered again with another sob, and Dean hung on to her instead.
* * * *
“Okay, that’s enough moping,” said Dean. “Get up, let’s get the show on the road.”
The sun had been up for at least three hours, but Cas had no desire to extricate herself from her blankets. She buried her face in her pillow. “’M not moping,” she mumbled. She felt that, all things considered, she was perfectly reasonable in not wanting to sit in the car all day. Blessedly, she felt no emotions about it and it was a nice change. Just let Zachariah find them, she didn’t care.
She liked not feeling anything. The emotions of humanity were complicated and misguiding and led Castiel to doubt her every impulse. Now though, she didn’t doubt anything. It was a bad thing that Claire Novak had left this vessel, and there was no doubt that Claire had way more claim to the body than Castiel ever would. It was bad that Castiel had come to the Winchesters-they were no longer saving people from monsters while they attended to her.
Castiel was just a collection of bad things. And she didn’t care. She felt blank and she liked it. It was easier.
From outside the muffled sounds of her pillow, Cas heard the motel door slam and Sam’s large feet clomped across the room to stand next to the bed. He didn’t pause to talk or reason with her, just pushed her so she rolled over and was looking at the ceiling. “I got you stickers,” said Sam. “But I left them in the car, so you better get up.”
“I don’t want stickers,” said Cas, and it was worse now, looking around the room and talking to Sam about things she could have, tempting her into feeling sad again. “Go away, Sam.”
Sam sighed and got up, glancing helplessly at his brother. He was nice for wanting to help her and be kind to her, but she didn’t deserve it. She hated Sam at the moment and wanted him to go away, so she glared at him. Then glared at Dean too, for good measure. Maybe they would leave her here for Zachariah and go on and live their lives.
Dean looked unsure of what to do, but told Sam to bring the bags out to the car. Good, get out of here. But Dean didn’t follow his brother, instead setting his pillows up so he could sit up on the bed. He pulled Castiel onto his lap and held her like an infant. Castiel elbowed him in the ribs and punched his shoulder.
She just wanted him to leave. She wished she could leave. Being human sucked. She couldn’t fly away, disappearing from Dean’s arms like she’d never been there. And hitting and kicking did nothing. Dean was an adult and Cas was stuck as a child. She pulled up her legs and kicked her heel into his leg for good measure. At least, she could admit that lashing out like this was a distraction from the whole Claire situation.
She wanted to pretend that letting Claire Novak die wouldn’t have bothered her this much if she were still an angel. That it was just that she was a human now that made her so upset.
“So, Justin Bieber, huh?” Dean asked, the question coming out of nowhere. It was enough to make Cas stop and look into his eyes. She could feel his heart hammering in his chest and knew he was just grasping at anything to make Cas feel better. Too bad Cas didn’t want to feel better.
She glared at him again, then tried to squirm off his lap. She figured she’d lock herself in the bathroom until Dean ditched her here. But Dean held her tight and she couldn’t escape.
“Tell me why you like him,” Dean suggested.
Cas refused to answer for several minutes, but Dean just kept looking at her, willing her to think about anything in this world that made her feel happy. Anything that let her forget about the apocalypse, and to feel like a ten year old kid. Finally she gave in.
“Sam says many children my age find him irresistible. I suppose I am now susceptible to human impulses.”
Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I figured. Ever since you wanted ice cream and a mood ring.”
Cas scowled at him again and squirmed around trying to get free. “I don’t want a mood ring Dean. Just leave me alone.” She’d give anything to have her wings back. She wanted to hug herself around Claire’s soul again and feel grounded in this body and not alone. She wanted to go back in time and let Sam out of the panic room so none of this would happen this way. She wanted Dean to let her go, and she scratched at his face and elbowed him in the ribs again, anger bubbling at how ineffectual she was.
“When we stop tonight, I’ll watch Bieber videos on YouTube with you,” Dean offered. This was a significant offer coming from Dean, who would sooner shove bits of glass in his ears than listen to a Justin Bieber song. “If you want, that is.”
And then she felt tears prickling at her eyes again. She cried quietly, her breathing even and calm while the anger ebbed away. Dean held her close for a long time, until he finally whispered to the top of her head, “We should probably get a move on.”
“Thank you for buying me that stuffed dog,” Cas sniffed. “It’s very nice.” It was out in the car, and Dean intended to carry Castiel out there whether she wanted or not, she realized. But she would hug her arms around the stuffed toy and make the object her entire world. If she couldn’t escape the situation the way she would have as an angel, the best she could manage was to escape in the manner of a child.
“You like it?”
Cas chewed on the inside of her cheek.
“I was worried it would make you sad. Y’know, since you’re not an angel anymore. But then I figured the dog was never an angel, and she’s got wings. You can be whatever you want.”
“Thank you Dean.”
“You… You could name the dog after Claire,” Dean suggested.
The suggestion renewed Castiel’s rage and it pounded against her ears. Her jaw clenched and she looked back at Dean with pure venom. “No. Claire Novak is not a stuffed object meant only to pacify me. She was a person and she never should’ve been allowed to die.”
Dean gasped. “I know,” he said. Then just as she was expecting, he carried Cas out to the car where Sam was waiting behind the steering wheel.
“I’ll drive,” he said. “Unless you want the distraction.”
“No,” said Dean, and he slumped into the passenger seat looking exhausted.
Castiel threw the stuffed dog out the window and into the parking lot, before slumping over, feeling just as tired as Dean looked.
* * * *
“Cas,” Dean’s voice filtered through the fog of sleep. “Cas.”
Castiel awoke in the back of the car, snuggled up against the door using a dirty shirt as a pillow. A green soldier toy filled her entire field of vision.
“Cas!” Dean was practically shouting now.
Castiel rubbed her eyes awake and propped herself up on an elbow. “What is it, Dean?”
“You,” he paused for some sort of dramatic affect, “just got a text.”
Dean flashed the phone in her face, but it was difficult to focus on. She grabbed his wrist to hold the phone steady. The text read: Singer Salvage Yard. Hurry.
“Who’s it from?” Dean demanded.
“Wha?”
“It’s from whoever you contacted with this phone. Who is it?”
“Oh.” Castiel weighed the advantages of saying the name aloud, still worried about being overheard. But if she said to hurry, she might be in trouble. “It’s Anna.”
“Anna? She’s alive?”
“Yes,” said Cas, hoping that this was the correct answer. “Oh at least I’d assume so. How long ago did you receive that message?”
“Five minutes?”
“It would be incredibly useful if I could still fly us to Bobby’s,” Castiel noted grimly. “We best be on our way.”
“You want us to go to Bobby’s now?” asked Dean. “I thought that was a trap.” But Sam was already pulling the car to the side of the road to turn it around before Cas could even start to reply.
“It is, but Anna would not tell us to go there without good reason. Perhaps it is a trap that is now set.”
Dean gulped at that, and Sam pulled out his phone. “I’m calling Bobby.” Castiel unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned forward to listen in on the call. She still felt numb and sad in a way that she’d never have been able to comprehend as an angel, but the prospect of seeing Anna gave her renewed energy. There was a purpose to her actions right now.
“Hey, buckle up!” Dean scolded. “I don’t need to get pulled over ‘cause you’re halfway in the front seat. And if we crash…”
“Shut up, Dean,” said Cas, her eyes focused on the trilling rings from Sam’s phone, the sound muffled by his head.
The phone rang for what seemed like forever, and it seemed like no one was ever going to pick up, when finally, “Hello. One of the Winchesters I presume. And how’s our dear Cas?” Zachariah’s voice smirked through the line.
“Oh my god. Where’s Bobby?”
“Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam. You’re sounding well.”
“What did you do with Bobby?”
“I’ll be seeing you soon,” said Zachariah, and then the phone clicked dead.
* * * *
Part One | Part Two | Part Three | PDF