A big step:
I'm feeling really good right now, so I'm going to attempt something big. I am going to see what happens if I actually delve into some serious emotional caverns using live journal. I don't like the idea of people that I don't want reading this because it could get personal (or I might cop out before I actaully say anything) and I don't really like the idea of people I like reading this because my spelling, grammar, and organization of these journal entries so far is sub par in my view. The following is a test:
A couple of weeks ago, I was screwing around on the internet and on a whim I looked up a bunch of lyrics to Dashboard songs that I'd never heard before. A lot of old stuff, a lot of trite stuff, a lot of good stuff... Anyways, I found this song called, "Brilliant Dance" and the lyrics made an impression on me. It made me think about Meredith. It's really been tearing at me for a while now. I'm going to miss her so much and I still don't know how I'm going to deal with it. She leaves on Monday and I can't even go to the airport because of my work. Fuck. So we're going to be breaking up and it's been a really hard couple of months since April when we sat down together and had the conversation that we'd been avoiding since November. So everything is slipping away, yet when I'm with Mer, it doesn't feel like I'm losing her. It feels like we're still getting closer and I can't believe that I'm going to lose her. Theres a line from the song it says,
"So this is strange, our side stepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all." I never heard the song though until last night. I immediately recognized the song by the lyrics and just stood there with Jacqui and I don't know, I just stood there.
Fuck.
Anyways, there was this one night, a few months ago when I was having a really terrible day. "Jean Jacket Girl" as some of my confidants have come to call her had stretched me too thin after a meeting with her mother, the situation with Meredith had just come to conversation that we knew would come but wished that it could have been delayed just a few more years, I was emotionally thrashed by the March, on a weird sleeping pattern, and feeling lonely, hurt, helpless, abandoned, and I found myself driving North for no reason besides the possibility that I would be able to catch somebody and just be anything but lonely. Everybody was busy though and I found myself at the beach, writing poetry shortly after in my car with only a short break to explain to a homeless man that he could not charge his phone in my car. Here's what I found in my arm rest last night.
5.12.04 7:34
I stood by the shore
with the ocean reaching out for me
but didn't see it
like the word you said too often and the meaning it lost.
I stood there
and the wind stripped me bare
and the water washed over my conscience.
I stood by the shore
two and some odd minutes ago
and I already forgot the lesson I had decided to learn.
But I forgot the pain that had caused me to
seek the sea.
So I called it even with the world
turning once to see the waves before I
left the moment forever.
8:10
Yesterday still fills my lungs and I exhale it
into the warm recycled climate of my getaway car.
Yesterday, when I told a mother about the wrists
that came out of her womb,
and today when it wasn't enough.
I lean back and hold on for my life
and nobody returns my frantic calls for anchors or shipmates.
A couple of weeks ago, I was screwing around on the internet and on a whim I looked up a bunch of lyrics to Dashboard songs that I'd never heard before. A lot of old stuff, a lot of trite stuff, a lot of good stuff... Anyways, I found this song called, "Brilliant Dance" and the lyrics made an impression on me. It made me think about Meredith. It's really been tearing at me for a while now. I'm going to miss her so much and I still don't know how I'm going to deal with it. She leaves on Monday and I can't even go to the airport because of my work. Fuck. So we're going to be breaking up and it's been a really hard couple of months since April when we sat down together and had the conversation that we'd been avoiding since November. So everything is slipping away, yet when I'm with Mer, it doesn't feel like I'm losing her. It feels like we're still getting closer and I can't believe that I'm going to lose her. Theres a line from the song it says,
"So this is strange, our side stepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all." I never heard the song though until last night. I immediately recognized the song by the lyrics and just stood there with Jacqui and I don't know, I just stood there.
Fuck.
Anyways, there was this one night, a few months ago when I was having a really terrible day. "Jean Jacket Girl" as some of my confidants have come to call her had stretched me too thin after a meeting with her mother, the situation with Meredith had just come to conversation that we knew would come but wished that it could have been delayed just a few more years, I was emotionally thrashed by the March, on a weird sleeping pattern, and feeling lonely, hurt, helpless, abandoned, and I found myself driving North for no reason besides the possibility that I would be able to catch somebody and just be anything but lonely. Everybody was busy though and I found myself at the beach, writing poetry shortly after in my car with only a short break to explain to a homeless man that he could not charge his phone in my car. Here's what I found in my arm rest last night.
5.12.04 7:34
I stood by the shore
with the ocean reaching out for me
but didn't see it
like the word you said too often and the meaning it lost.
I stood there
and the wind stripped me bare
and the water washed over my conscience.
I stood by the shore
two and some odd minutes ago
and I already forgot the lesson I had decided to learn.
But I forgot the pain that had caused me to
seek the sea.
So I called it even with the world
turning once to see the waves before I
left the moment forever.
8:10
Yesterday still fills my lungs and I exhale it
into the warm recycled climate of my getaway car.
Yesterday, when I told a mother about the wrists
that came out of her womb,
and today when it wasn't enough.
I lean back and hold on for my life
and nobody returns my frantic calls for anchors or shipmates.