Things Have Only Gotten Worse
So. Unfortunately, rather than telling everyone how miraculous this experience has been and how much progress I've made, yadda yadda.. the sad truth of the matter is that I think I've regressed. I feel terrible. I have to force myself to eat, I don't sleep, I hate school.. this is all so ridiculous. Even though I know what's going on is unhealthy, I can't seem to pull myself out of it. My emotions have been played with so badly and my self-esteem is SO low it is absolutely horrible. Every day it's a new challenge.. a new message left for me. One day it's that there's a future and that he needs to talk to me.. the next it's he's dating somebody, but they aren't in a "relationship". I know, I know.. why don't I just ignore him? Well.. it doesn't matter if I don't believe there's a future or not (which I can't believe because who would want a future with somebody that treats them like this) but it still scares the crap out of me not to know somebody who has been such a huge part of my life. I suppose the only true cure is time.. unfortunately, I just want to fast forward to a time where I'm ok with myself and my emotions aren't so tied to him. I know I should appreciate the journey and this will make me stronger and all of that crap.. but really.. I'm just tired of it.
I think that's the hardest part. I don't want to be the sad one or the bitter one.. but I still can't manage to pull myself out of this dark place.. how horrifying. It's so hard to put into words exactly how I'm feeling. I mean at first I was hurt, but also felt kind of excited about possibilities. Now, the more that I learn, the more my self confidence suffers and the less sleep I get. This is so unhealthy... really I just can't wait for Thanksgiving. Although, I did get a lovely phone call telling me he'd be in Bow.. visiting Mei Ling (who lives 3 houses from me) sweet life. Why he has to tell me these things.. who knows? I just love being home and escaping from reality for a while. Those are the times I live for. I'm just so confused with myself.. how can I recognize that so much that's going on right now is so unhealthy, but still can't fix it? I don't know. I've gone to counseling because there've been times where I just walk across campus and realize I'm crying.. or I'm driving to internship and cry because I know I have to fake being happy so the first graders can't tell anything's wrong (which they always do.. because kids are SO intuitive). It's such an awful feeling.
At first the sadness was just the break up and all that it entailed.. but now I feel like it's so much deeper.. yes he still sets me off.. but really it's about me being ok and making myself better.. and it frustrates me to no avail because I'm unable to do that right now. I suppose the only positive to this whole thing is that I've turned a lot of that energy into workout energy and have lost a bunch of weight. So that's always good.. still though.. endorphins aren't enough to fix me right now. So although Jerod sets me off.. I have so much other stress and everything that it's so much more than him... it's me and I need to figure myself out asap.. because I'm going crazy here.
For those of you still reading, I commend you.. and not only that, but I'm sure you've noticed how this entry transformed from a bitchy "boys are stupid" rant to my actual issues. It's not really for anybody's benefit, but my own. Sometimes I feel like I should write in this thing more.. even if it makes sense to nobody but me.. at least it can be said. Words can't really ever do it justice, but it's out there and out of my system so I don't have to be the "sad" one and tell people my story..
EDIT:
I suppose I should update everybody on everything else that's happening in my life.. just for good measure. I am one of 15 student ambassadors giving tours and sitting on panels.. I help teach first grade - those kids are so amazing. I'm still an RA, which adds a ton of stress because I'm with freshmen again and I didn't realize how needy they were until I couldn't be there in full force like I'd like to be. I was asked to present at a national science teacher's conference which was fun and exciting. I also was chosen by the dean of students as the "face of student life" and had to give a presentation to the board of trustees. That was kind of intimidating, but rewarding as well. Things are looking up for me professionally - the principal at the school I work at has nothing but positive things to say about me. Not everything is bad.. it's just hard to look at the positives and fully appreciate them if you're in a constant state of melancholy. I do love my friends and can't thank them enough for everything they do.. and for the random acts of kindness I have witnessed.. just trying to bring myself out of this funk is all I'm really focused on though.. so hopefully, soon enough that can happen.
oops! once again rambled on for more than I intended
I think that's the hardest part. I don't want to be the sad one or the bitter one.. but I still can't manage to pull myself out of this dark place.. how horrifying. It's so hard to put into words exactly how I'm feeling. I mean at first I was hurt, but also felt kind of excited about possibilities. Now, the more that I learn, the more my self confidence suffers and the less sleep I get. This is so unhealthy... really I just can't wait for Thanksgiving. Although, I did get a lovely phone call telling me he'd be in Bow.. visiting Mei Ling (who lives 3 houses from me) sweet life. Why he has to tell me these things.. who knows? I just love being home and escaping from reality for a while. Those are the times I live for. I'm just so confused with myself.. how can I recognize that so much that's going on right now is so unhealthy, but still can't fix it? I don't know. I've gone to counseling because there've been times where I just walk across campus and realize I'm crying.. or I'm driving to internship and cry because I know I have to fake being happy so the first graders can't tell anything's wrong (which they always do.. because kids are SO intuitive). It's such an awful feeling.
At first the sadness was just the break up and all that it entailed.. but now I feel like it's so much deeper.. yes he still sets me off.. but really it's about me being ok and making myself better.. and it frustrates me to no avail because I'm unable to do that right now. I suppose the only positive to this whole thing is that I've turned a lot of that energy into workout energy and have lost a bunch of weight. So that's always good.. still though.. endorphins aren't enough to fix me right now. So although Jerod sets me off.. I have so much other stress and everything that it's so much more than him... it's me and I need to figure myself out asap.. because I'm going crazy here.
For those of you still reading, I commend you.. and not only that, but I'm sure you've noticed how this entry transformed from a bitchy "boys are stupid" rant to my actual issues. It's not really for anybody's benefit, but my own. Sometimes I feel like I should write in this thing more.. even if it makes sense to nobody but me.. at least it can be said. Words can't really ever do it justice, but it's out there and out of my system so I don't have to be the "sad" one and tell people my story..
EDIT:
I suppose I should update everybody on everything else that's happening in my life.. just for good measure. I am one of 15 student ambassadors giving tours and sitting on panels.. I help teach first grade - those kids are so amazing. I'm still an RA, which adds a ton of stress because I'm with freshmen again and I didn't realize how needy they were until I couldn't be there in full force like I'd like to be. I was asked to present at a national science teacher's conference which was fun and exciting. I also was chosen by the dean of students as the "face of student life" and had to give a presentation to the board of trustees. That was kind of intimidating, but rewarding as well. Things are looking up for me professionally - the principal at the school I work at has nothing but positive things to say about me. Not everything is bad.. it's just hard to look at the positives and fully appreciate them if you're in a constant state of melancholy. I do love my friends and can't thank them enough for everything they do.. and for the random acts of kindness I have witnessed.. just trying to bring myself out of this funk is all I'm really focused on though.. so hopefully, soon enough that can happen.
oops! once again rambled on for more than I intended