no interest
October 20
Now it's been almost a year since Nate contacted me. Presumably it was to let me know a few people from DIILs had been interviewed. I remember when I saw he had emailed me I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. I couldn't believe he emailed me. I also panicked worrying I would be in trouble or that my clearance would be negatively affected. It sickened me. I also felt a rush of the pain and hurt he had caused me the last few months hit me full force.
It was so awful. I really felt like I was reeling. I thought I could handle it and it was getting better and than it happened again and it really felt so awful. If he hadn't emailed it would now be almost two years since we had communicated. Time does heal a lot. I feel better. It doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did.Still there are so many things I really wish I could have expressed to him. I would have liked to call him out. I really would have liked to say to him... "It surprises me you'd concern yourself with anything about me. You never have in any way before...." Of course when I actually read his email it said nothing about anyone else. Only him. And of course he puts a smiley face in the email as if that will undo or take away the tremendous amount of pain he caused me. And how ugly he was to me. It all indicates to me he doesn't have any remorse for what happened. He doesn't regret hurting me. You'd like even though he didn't return my feelings he would feel guilty that I got hurt. He would recognize that I wouldn't want to hear from him. Then again it was such a weird minor thing for him to email me about anyway. He didn't need to email about it at all. I don't see how he could after how ugly he was before...
That's probably the worst part of this that I have to sit by silently while he can say anything he wants. I really wish I had never met him. I wish more than anything I had kept my distance from him. I know how to do that now but what's the point in that when I'm hurting so much and this is a pain I'll carry with me forever...when this pain could have been avoided.
And really should have been. Why did I think it might actually be different with him? It never is. I never get tall handsome athletic debonair intelligent charming men....the kind I want. Instead I get fat, creepy disgusting pieces of garbage. There's never anything else. I really hate it. They make it awkward for me and it's for no reason. They don't need to do that. There's no reason for it whatsoever. I really hope that it never happens again. I'm so over it. I know what to do the next time the next piece of garbage approaches. I'll freeze them out. I won't talk to them. I'll just avoid them. It's what I should have done with the latest piece of garbage with a penis attached. It's what I will do to all of them. I'll get out of those situations.
What I find really amazing is how people keep trying to mold me into what they want for their own lives. I know I'll never have a relationship with a man because I don't want anything to do with the garbage that's always forcing themselves on me and since it'd never anything else I am done with it. I'm not interested in it at all. I find it draining depressing discouraging and I'm moving on. I have a life to live and I'm not going to waste it spending time on something that's fruitless and where I'm completely powerless. If I wasn't powerless Nate would be married to me right now. I wouldn't have had all the garbage I've had.
I really believe next time I'll just say I'm not interested in that anymore. I don't care and I don't want it. That avenue is completely closed for me. I hope people understand when something is closed and when I have a wall up. I guess otherwise I can be blunt and to the point. Maybe its past time to do that anyway. Get my point across to back off...I'll be open in many areas but never that one...
Now it's been almost a year since Nate contacted me. Presumably it was to let me know a few people from DIILs had been interviewed. I remember when I saw he had emailed me I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. I couldn't believe he emailed me. I also panicked worrying I would be in trouble or that my clearance would be negatively affected. It sickened me. I also felt a rush of the pain and hurt he had caused me the last few months hit me full force.
It was so awful. I really felt like I was reeling. I thought I could handle it and it was getting better and than it happened again and it really felt so awful. If he hadn't emailed it would now be almost two years since we had communicated. Time does heal a lot. I feel better. It doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did.Still there are so many things I really wish I could have expressed to him. I would have liked to call him out. I really would have liked to say to him... "It surprises me you'd concern yourself with anything about me. You never have in any way before...." Of course when I actually read his email it said nothing about anyone else. Only him. And of course he puts a smiley face in the email as if that will undo or take away the tremendous amount of pain he caused me. And how ugly he was to me. It all indicates to me he doesn't have any remorse for what happened. He doesn't regret hurting me. You'd like even though he didn't return my feelings he would feel guilty that I got hurt. He would recognize that I wouldn't want to hear from him. Then again it was such a weird minor thing for him to email me about anyway. He didn't need to email about it at all. I don't see how he could after how ugly he was before...
That's probably the worst part of this that I have to sit by silently while he can say anything he wants. I really wish I had never met him. I wish more than anything I had kept my distance from him. I know how to do that now but what's the point in that when I'm hurting so much and this is a pain I'll carry with me forever...when this pain could have been avoided.
And really should have been. Why did I think it might actually be different with him? It never is. I never get tall handsome athletic debonair intelligent charming men....the kind I want. Instead I get fat, creepy disgusting pieces of garbage. There's never anything else. I really hate it. They make it awkward for me and it's for no reason. They don't need to do that. There's no reason for it whatsoever. I really hope that it never happens again. I'm so over it. I know what to do the next time the next piece of garbage approaches. I'll freeze them out. I won't talk to them. I'll just avoid them. It's what I should have done with the latest piece of garbage with a penis attached. It's what I will do to all of them. I'll get out of those situations.
What I find really amazing is how people keep trying to mold me into what they want for their own lives. I know I'll never have a relationship with a man because I don't want anything to do with the garbage that's always forcing themselves on me and since it'd never anything else I am done with it. I'm not interested in it at all. I find it draining depressing discouraging and I'm moving on. I have a life to live and I'm not going to waste it spending time on something that's fruitless and where I'm completely powerless. If I wasn't powerless Nate would be married to me right now. I wouldn't have had all the garbage I've had.
I really believe next time I'll just say I'm not interested in that anymore. I don't care and I don't want it. That avenue is completely closed for me. I hope people understand when something is closed and when I have a wall up. I guess otherwise I can be blunt and to the point. Maybe its past time to do that anyway. Get my point across to back off...I'll be open in many areas but never that one...