Notes on Marriage Part 3
Notes from Chapter 3 of Rabbi Pliskin's book, "Marriage":
- 5-word key to a joyous marriage: "Don't cause pain, give pleasure."
- Tehillim 34:15 says this in 4 words: "Sur mei'ra, va'asei tov." "Keep away from evil, and do good."
- A lesson on how not to cause pain: Sit quietly for 30 seconds without saying one word. Have a fairly pleasant expression on your face as you do so.
- Regarding the subject of giving your spouse pleasure, what have you done in the past that gave him pleasure? For that matter, what have you said or done for anyone else on the planet that was helpful, useful, kind, or pleasurable to them?
- Compose lists of what your spouse likes and dislikes.
- If you want your spouse to do something, ask yourself, "How can I make my spouse feel good about complying with my request?" Speak and act in ways that will make your spouse happy to do the things you need and want.
- It is forbidden to say anything that will needlessly cause pain to another person. The speaker mustn't say, "You shouldn't be so sensitive." If the listener will experience pain, the speaker is forbidden to say it. It is true that one's perception is a key element, but the Torah prohibition is clear. When you speak to someone who will feel hurt by what you said, you are responsible for the pain your words caused. If your spouse claims that your words caused him or her pain, don't argue that your think they really didn't. Apologize. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." (Mishlei 18:21)
- Ask yourself regularly, "What should I stop saying or doing that is causing my spouse distress?"
- "If you cut your left hand while slicing meat, would your left hand take revenge on your right hand for cutting it? For this reason we should not take revenge on others, since we are all one." (Talmud Yerushalmi, Nedarim 9:4 & Korban Eidah)
- Continually ask two questions to increase chesed in your marriage:
- Ask your spouse, "What can I do for you?"
- Ask yourself, "What can I say or do to give my spouse pleasure?"
- Appreciation to a human being is like sunlight to a plant.
- Five tips to good/better communications:
- Ask clarification questions.
- Tell stories from books your spouse hasn't read yet.
- Listen carefully to the comments others make when they speak to someone in your presence. This will give you ideas on what to comment on.
- Observe things that happen in your presence no matter where you are. There will always be things to notice that are a bit out of the ordinary. These are good topics for conversation.
- Listen to your spouse's side of the conversation when he/she is talking to family or friends and acquire the patterns he/she would appreciate.
- By focusing on what you're missing, you miss out on what you do have.
- No matter how busy you are or how long you've been married, always look for positive activities you can do together.