#10
“I know this sounds weird but… your eyes are all puffed up.”
“It’s my trademark. I’m panda-eyed Seung-ri.”
“No. No that’s not what I mean.”
“What?”
“It doesn’t look healthy.”
***
“But I want to wear these!”
“They’re mine.”
“I want them.”
“So take them. Whatever.”
“Hyung… they won’t fit.”
***
“I feel kind of… heavy.”
“You look thin.”
“I know… but I feel heavy.”
***
“Where are you!?”
“I’m… I’m sleeping. What time is it?”
“It’s eleven.”
“Okay, I’ll get up, just hold on…”
“Eleven pm, Seung-ri. You have been sleeping for 27 hours.”
***
Seung-ri sits there on the bed, dangling his legs. “Really, it’s taking so long,” he says, pushing hair from his eyes, and Ji-yong thinks that he should cut it. The clock is ticking its tick and tack and Seung-ri is right. It really is taking so long.
Ji-yong wonders when it’s time to freak out, if it’s now.
It’s strange, how there are no pictures on the walls. Curious Seung-ri asks a passing nurse about it and she says that there has been a renovation recently, that everything had to be taken down. It’s sad, because it makes everything look a little dead.
Seung-ri is thirsty. He’s so thirsty that his tongue feels like sandpaper, or like something equally nasty that has swelled up twice its size. “Seriously, Ji-yong, it feels weird.”
When he doesn’t get a reply, he waves his arms in big, circular movements. He’s so annoying.
“Mr Kwon! Mr Kwon!”
“Yes, Seung-ri.”
“Do you think people will love me less now that I’m fat?”
“You’re not fat. You’re just… full of water.”
“Like a balloon.”
Ji-yong stands up and walks to the window. He doesn’t want to pace, but he wants to. Really wants to. The doctors will be back soon with papers in hand and they will know more, and Ji-yong can take Seung-ri home and feed him medicines and make everything better because that’s how it works.
“It’s kind of bad timing,” Seung-ri continues, his normally so thin legs sticking out of that stupid dress-looking that thing he’s wearing. He wriggles his feet about. “I mean, everyone is busy. You and Young-bae hyung and Japan and now me. Me and my feet.”
“Let’s just see what the doctors say.”
“I just don’t want to pee in that cup again.”
Ji-yong sends him a look of warning.
“… Hyung.” Seung-ri looks at him, his eyes going quiet, his whole being going quiet. “I feel fine.”
Ji-yong just pushes his forehead against the wall and waits.
***
The physician grabs at Seung-ri’s swollen ankles, his fingers leaving marks that makes it look like Seung-ri’s bones have been pushed in too far and broken under pressure. Ji-yong almost gags, but Seung-ri keeps asking questions.
“It is because I’m drinking so much? Because I’ve been really thirsty. And I can’t seem to wake up, either. Sometimes it’s so hard to open my eyes.”
“Do they get swollen in the mornings?”
“Yeah. And I have pretty weird eyes to begin with,” Seung-ri smiles, tilting his head as he looks over at Ji-yong, trying to catch his eyes. He can’t.
Seung-ri stretches his arm out and there’s a push of needles into his vein. He hisses a little, he’s not used to it yet, but he watches with childish fascination as his blood fills up the tubes. They seem to need a lot of them.
“We’re going to keep you over night because of your high blood pressure, and then we’re going to give you something to get all that water out,” says the doctor.
“Okay. “
“A nurse will come by with the test results tomorrow morning,” the white coat says before he takes his leave and leaves the two boys alone.
And Ji-yong really feels alone.
Seung-ri smiles again as he hauls his legs up on the mattress, covering them up with a blanket. “So, five kilos of water, huh. It sounds like a lot,” he says.
Ji-yong is still at the wall.
“It’s late. I have to go.”
“I know.”
Seung-ri stretches his arm out, reaching across the room and Ji-yong goes to him, knowing that he has to.
“When you come tomorrow, can you bring me my book? The one on my desk.”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you.” Seung-ri’s eyes screw up into satisfied little half-moons as he gently rubs his hand over Ji-yong’s arm. “It’s a good thing I have insurance,” he says, and Ji-yong stands up, so suddenly that Seung-ri almost falls out of the bed with him.
“Bye, Seung-ri.”
The younger boy gives a little wave. “Bye, Ji-yong,” he says quietly. The door closes and he sits there for a moment, smoothing his hands over the blanket.
It can’t be that bad, he thinks.
***
“Most people don’t get such aggressive symptoms as you,” the doctor says and Seung-ri listens. “Some go around with this for months without ever noticing that anything is wrong, so in that aspect, you are very lucky.”
Seung-ri glances at Ji-yong, smiling. Because that’s good, right? It’s good.
“You have an inflammation in your kidneys, Mr Lee.”
“Okay.”
“Your kidneys have kept their general function but there’s a tear in them ---“
“A tear!?”
Seung-ri puts his hand on Ji-yong’s, hushing him, and the man continues.
“The tissue of your kidney has ripped, causing protein to leak into your urine instead of going into your blood.”
Seung-ri strains to understand. “So they’re… broken?”
“They’re torn, but we can’t know exactly what’s wrong with you until we do a biopsy.”
“Oh. Okay.”
The room is quiet for a while.
“… What’s a biopsy?” Seung-ri asks.
***
Young-bae, Seung-hyun and Dae-sung call from Japan and Seung-ri talks almost excitedly about how they are going to stick a ten inch needle through his back.
“They’re going to take a tissue sample and then they can see what’s wrong with me!”
He doesn’t mention the complications that could come up afterwards, because that’s nothing one should think about. That’s for later.
They smear cold liquid all over his stomach, it feels like slime, the kind he played with as a kid, and then they push that rounded stick into his ribs, so hard he can feel something give (but not break).
“Any babies in there?” Seung-ri asks but no, he’s the only one laughing.
The needle hurts. He can feel it sink through his skin and how it pushes through his muscles - it makes his face screw up in pain and he breathes harder, crushing the nurse’s hand in his grip. There’s a sucking sound, and the doctors say, “only one to go”. But something goes wrong and they can’t find anything but bone marrow, they need five more samples before it’s over and Seung-ri knows that’s not normal. The sedatives didn’t take very strongly and he hears and feels everything, his slight body shaking against the operation table.
Later, when he lies still on his back, time passes so slowly. He wonders if he has visual puncture holes on his back.
“Can I have the picture, please? My ultrasound.”
Seung-ri finds a red marker and encircles the little greyish thing that is supposed to be It with a heart.
Hi! Kidney, he writes.
Ji-yong hyung, this is our baby, his name is *~Hyun-su~* and he misses his daddy
He draws a little smiley face, too, for good measure.
Seung-ri and Hyun-su loves Ji-yong so much
And a snapshot and the pling of a mobile later, Ji-yong cries.
***
“You came,” Seung-ri says as he opens his arms to Ji-yong but receives a kiss to his cheek instead. “I’m glad you did. The doctor will be here before eleven.”
They’re holding hands, and Seung-ri is smiling. It always feels better when Ji-yong is there - it doesn’t even matter than Ji-yong won’t smile back, it just feels good and everything will be fine.
“I’ve been listening to your songs,” he says, squeezing Ji-yong’s fingers with his own. “I think you should write one for me and Hyun-su.”
Ji-yong looks at him, and he opens his mouth.
The doctor comes in. It’s someone else today, Seung-ri doesn’t know him but he’s got the right file in his hands, Lee Seung-hyun. He scoots a little closer to Ji-yong and pretends that his back isn’t sore.
Ji-yong hears words like acute inflammation and chronic disease and he just can’t believe that Seung-ri is so calm. The younger boy just sits there, eyes open and awake as he nods his head, stringing the worlds together into Sense in a way that Ji-yong just can’t.
“But it’s not like he can die, right?” he says before he can think to stop himself.
“Ji-yong, I can hear you,” Seung-ri whispers, putting his head to Ji-yong’s shoulder, letting it rest there for a moment before Ji-yong is up again and Seung-ri’s tired body falls back.
“We have the same blood type, he can have my kidney,” Ji-yong blurts out and everyone winces.
“That won’t be necessary. We’re going to give you cortisone, Mr Lee, starting with a normal dose at first to see how your body responds.”
“What if it doesn’t?”
“Shush, hyung,” says Seung-ri, shaking his head. “They know what they’re doing.”
***
It’s a little strange, Seung-ri thinks, that Ji-yong doesn’t trust the doctors. Seung-ri is Seung-ri after all, and the entire hospital is doing their absolute best to keep him alive - he thinks that Ji-yong shouldn’t worry so much.
“I’m not going to die, Ji-yong. If I die, who’s going to steal your shirts? I’m the only one that fits.”
But Ji-yong should come by more often.
It’s been over week now, and Seung-ri only has his laptop, and his books. It gets lonely. There’s flowers and teddy bears and a lot of other things that he doesn’t need, but Ji-yong is absent and Seung-ri wishes that he could eat chocolate to console himself but there’s something about his blood sugar. No sweets.
He pats his back. “Hi, kidney. I’ll give you hell,” Seung-ri says.
***
“I get probation!” Seung-ri squeals into Ji-yong’s shoulder, his little body bouncing with joy. “I know it’s just for two days but I get to sleep at home!”
“…With me?”
“Yes, with you! I can take my pills home with me and if my blood sugar levels rush up too high we call the hospital and they can come and get me or something.”
Ji-yong holds Seung-ri at arm’s length, watching his brilliant eyes quietly before he smiles slowly. “Do I get to prick your finger with that blood pistol thing?”
“Yes, hyung. I’ll even squirm a little extra, so you think that it really hurts.”
“And then I can kiss it better.”
“Yes, of course.”
Seung-ri takes his lists, his little blood pistol and all his clothes, and thinks that he won’t miss the little white room one bit.
***
“Ji-yong.”
“Sshh, maknae, this is sleep.”
“Hyung… it’s keeping me awake. It feels like I’ve had a thousand cups of coffee and it’s weird.”
“I thought the doctor said that’s normal.”
“Yeah. But it’s still weird.”
Ji-yong holds Seung-ri in his arms and thinks that it’s so much better when they’re not at the hospital. It’s not scary, when it’s at home. He smoothes Seung-ri’s soft hair back, touching his cheek with the back of his fingers - he’s calming himself down, Seung-ri doesn’t seem to need it. Strong baby, he thinks, and he smiles.
“Hyung,” Seung-ri whispers, pushing against Ji-yong’s side.
“Mm.”
“Hyyuuungg,” Seung-ri whines, pushing his sweet lips to Ji-yong’s neck, and Ji-yong knows what he’s doing. He tries to ignore it, but then Seung-ri starts moving his body up and down, rubbing against him, practically crawling on top of him and it’s just impossible to pretend that he doesn’t notice.
“I don’t ---”
Seung-ri’s voice is uncharacteristically small. “Ji-yong, please, you have to love me a little, I’m so lonely…”
“I’m right here, you don’t have to ---”
“Please!”
Ji-yong’s eyes snap open at the desperate tone in the other boy’s voice.
“Please, just love me,” Seung-ri begs.
His small hands find their way under Ji-yong’s pyjamas, a burning touch that tugs at Ji-yong’s heart. Has he really been so selfish?
Seung-ri is sick, he can break, something might burst. Seung-ri is full of pills. Seung-ri is weak and it’s his Seung-ri, it’s his Pride and Joy wrapped up in a little bundle of Happiness, it’s Everything.
“If you don’t love me, Ji-yong, if you don---”
He finds Seung-ri’s mouth and sucks those sad little whimpers into his own, their lips moving slowly together in a kiss, their real first kiss in weeks. Ji-yong’s heart hurts - he has been punishing Seung-ri for something that isn’t his fault, he knows it. The feeling gives a little when he pushes Seung-ri into the mattress, but it doesn’t go away.
Seung-ri opens his legs so easily, his touch tentative and innocent even though they’ve done this a hundred times before. His fingertips draw little patterns on Ji-yong’s arms and he’s vulnerable like this, he’s laid open for Ji-yong to use and hurt and love, a responsibility that Ji-yong isn’t old/good/mature enough for.
“I won’t break,” he whispers.
Ji-yong thinks that he can’t. If Seung-ri breaks, the world falls apart.
***
The cortisone starts to kick in and the side effects become Obvious: Seung-ri can never sleep. His hands shake when he’s typing and his handwriting becomes right awful - no more autographs for a while.
He gets mood swings. He’s chipper most of the time and the personal loves him for his smiles, but then it rushes to his heart sometimes, just how much is put on hold for him. It is as though the entire world has stopped and Seung-ri just wants it to move and push forward.
He doesn’t feel sick. He never really did. He wears his own clothes and he styles his hair up nicely in the morning, he wears cologne and eats breakfast, lunch and dinner just like everyone else. It’s so normal.
But there’s nothing to do and he wants to claw at the walls.
“Hyun-su, get better,” he says, rubbing over his back where he thinks his kidney is. “You need to get better for Ji-yong and Seung-ri.”
He calls but there’s no reply, only a text message, later.
Fighting fighting
It’s just not good enough.
He’s lucky, they have it all under control and he just needs to rest and stay under observation so that nothing happens. But that’s just it - nothing happens - and Seung-ri finds himself rehearsing the steps to Look only at me all to himself when no one’s looking. He has been working every day for the past three years and now he’s in a vacuum. If someone catches him dancing they smile, but they want him to be still.
Seung-ri isn’t dead, he feels fine - he misses the studio and Big Bang and the cameras that follow them around. Most of all, he wants his Ji-yong.
It’s not really fair, that Ji-yong is allowed to take this so bad. Ji-yong has two happy, healthy kidneys and if Seung-ri can keep his smile, then Ji-yong should try harder. Seung-ri has always tried so hard for hyung, it’s only fair…
He breaks one morning and he’s not even sure what triggers it. Pressing himself into the cold tiles of the shower, he cries and cries like a girl, his face screwing up into a tight grimace and it’s ugly and weak, yes, it is.
Fuck this. Fuck Ji-yong.
He won’t let anyone see, because he’s Seung-ri, but a dark little part of him wants Ji-yong to pound on the door and scream for him to come out so that he can be wrapped up in hyung’s arms and rocked to sleep.
It doesn’t happen.
***
Seung-ri offers what’s left of his lunch, and a smile. “I feel fine,” he says.
“Then why the hell are you here, Seung-ri!” Ji-yong bursts out and Seung-ri coils back like a snake, rolling into a ball on the middle of the mattress.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “Please, hyung… don’t be angry.”
Ji-yong’s shoulders slouch and he knows - he knows he’s the bad guy.
“It’s not my fault,” Seung-ri whispers.
“No. Because you feel fine.”
***
“If you don’t want to be here, you can just go.”
Seung-ri’s arms and legs are crossed and closed and his small eyes have narrowed. “In fact, it’s better when you’re not here because then I don’t have to think that I’m dying.”
Ji-yong just glares. How ungrateful! he thinks, after everything he’s done, all the strings he’s pulled and all the nights that he has laid awake for Seung-ri and his fucking kidney.
“You treat me like I’m already dead, Ji-yong!”
“I just want you to take good care of yourself,” Ji-yong defends himself, like it’s a habit and Seung-ri screams out his frustration, hands clenching into tight fists by his sides.
“You should be taking care of me!”
Seung-ri’s face is so vivid, so full of anger and he looks so alive that it knocks Ji-yong’s breath from his lungs. Before he knows it, he’s slamming the other boy against the wall, his mouth crashing down over Seung-ri’s, teeth and lips clashing together. The younger boy’s head bounces off of the wall with a heavy thud, it hurts, and his hands claw at Ji-yong’s shoulders - a desperate whimper, “Ji-yong…”
He rips at Seung-ri’s clothes - he wants to get inside, he wants to sink his hand through Seung-ri’s skin and grab his kidney, he wants to just pull it out and fling it straight into the rubbish bin. Seung-ri’s sharp teeth clamp down on Ji-yong’s lip and their kiss tastes like copper, Ji-yong’s hands painting bruises on Seung-ri’s body as he’s pushing him harder against the wall until Seung-ri hauls himself up and wraps his long legs around Ji-yong’s hips.
Ji-yong shoves him harder, grinding into him and jerking hard when Seung-ri grabs at his hair too hard, hardly aware that their bodies are banging into the wall and that it’s loud. Seung-ri feels Ji-yong’s heart against his chest and there’s a rush of adrenaline that makes the room change colours. Ji-yong, Ji-yong, Ji-yong---
The door flies open and feeling is gone, just like that. What a scene, it can’t be good - the nurse looks like she’s about to have a heart attack. Both boys are sporting red cheeks, panting so hard. Seung-ri’s eyes are wild.
“I think you should go,” he says and pushes away.
***
Ji-yong knows that Seung-ri is going to be sick for the rest of his life. He’s going to have to take pills and see a doctor every week and Ji-yong is going to have to be with him, making sure. For the longest time now, he has been thinking that he can’t do it, that he cannot be enough, but today when Seung-ri steps out of the doctor’s office with a shy smile on his face, his hand stretched out, Ji-yong knows that he’s been wrong.
“My Seung-ri,” he says quietly, touching the boy’s cheek briefly before he pulls him into a hug. Seung-ri feels warm against him and his body is solid, he’s not ripping at the seams at all. He’s… whole.
“So you can come home now?” he asks.
Seung-ri nods his head, smiling into Ji-yong’s hood. “Yes.”
Ji-yong slides down onto his knees and pushes Seung-ri’s shirt up. “Hi, kidney” he says, blowing a raspberry to Seung-ri’s side. He looks up when Seung-ri giggles.
“So… we feel fine?”
“Yes, hyung. We feel fine.”
End.
I love feedback, as always~~
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