thinking
I've been thinking a lot about whats next in this very confusing girl situation... i really have the same views as erica.. i really dont want to chase after anyone anymore. I'm soo tired it. But i can't sit back like her because..well i'm the guy.. and i guess i have to do the chasing , the romantic stuff. don't get my wrong i love doing the romantic stuff. I love waking up in the morning knowing that i can be creative and do something special for the girl. the best reward is the smile they have.. that i just wow'ed them... that something has never happened like that and they know that it won't happen again with anyone else. Not to say i'm perfect and there aren't guys like me. Well ok honestly i don't believe there is another guy like me... is that sucha bad idea to have? its not like i look down on anyone, i just think i can offer things to a girl that many guys can't. Sure maybe girls can out spend me.. but i know i'll work my best and spend beyond my means as far as i can. But i also learned that i can't do that all the time. It makes things meaningless and also i found that girls don't like that all the time.. can't be too romantic.. can't not pay attention. Frankly i can't stand this whole game thing. Why does a relationship, finding that someone for the mean time, i'm not saying mariage at all.. just someone to spend time with for this period have to be so difficult? Which leads me to think maybe i'm over thinking this whole thing and it really all supposed to be simple. maybe i have been doing it all wrong from the start. but can i do? Its almost like either i sit back and just let a girl come to me.. oh wait i forgot that i don't live in the movies and that hasn't ever happened. or go out for the hunt again which i'm sooo tired of. And now i have to find new girls. My class year... the summer thing is over, and they are off to college. the class before me are now freshmen in college. So who is left? Where do i go? all my prospects as chris would call it are now gone and i am forced to make new connections. For the past years i've been "dating" or whatever its called. I don't think i've dated really.. hooking up maybe to keep it simple? Jess was the only real relationship i had.. and if thats the only one i can compare anything to... thats really sad and i should really fix something. Do i have to go back to the drawing board? I've been to this thing soo much.
If anyone could actually see what imaginary board looks like.. all they would see is cross outs, scratch marks from my nails from being sooo fustrated. chalk dust from all the erase mark.. not one part of this board would be clean. Names erased and rewritten and erased but still keep an imprint on the board. some times i feel like i want to wash everything off and start over.. can we really do that.. the black board will forever have the indents and imprints of the mistakes we trace over...but you always have to refer back to the past. Well atleast i do so i don't have to build up a shield i refuse to do that again. I think a shield is something that is developed because someone couldn't coupe with the pain. Instead of learning from it, the person just hides from it. I'm not scared of getting hurt, yeah it sucks but i'll get over it, but then leads me to think.. maybe thats a shield itself, maybe the reason why i'm not scared of pain is because i'm soo caloused that it doesn't effect me anymore. Its not so much of a shield anymore as it is a way to learn from my past and not make the same mistakes. wooo.. i totally just contradicted myself. this is why there are scratch outs everywhere.
Then i've been asking myself what do i really want in a girl. I'm soo confused that i don't know even know anymore. I don't think i can fall again. its like i fall for girls who i find myself changing for. Not in a bad way, just change my ways. But then i dunno, i changed myself so much for jess, and once again i don't want to do that, I stopped smoking for her, i didn't go out as much and the guys thought i was changing soo much and at first it would be a good thing. AHHHH i don't know, ok soo deal with my rambling cause its just everything that has been going on in my head for the past couple of days. I'm self destructive, i can never find myself in a place where the water is ever calm. but then i wonder if thats what i really want, when the water, if it ever becomes calm, would i freak out? Would i cause that drop to disturb everything cause that is what i'm used to. Would i keep searching for that one thing that is wrong with the person till i just mess everything up? Cause unwanted drama?
Things are sooo confusing now a days. I told erica of my idea, this weird dream i had, fantasy that i wanted to fulfill, i thought i could do this till I told valerie. The idea that..
:::::she leaves to college saids her goodbyes to her parents and she sits on her bed and is over whalmed. Things are so different now but there is one thing missing. She is thinking about everyone but the one person she thinks about is adam. She wonders if the things this summer ended the way it should have. She thinks about her choices and realizes that the one thing that she always wanted and needed was me all along. That everything else was just there because of the fear of change. That she can't deal with change and the one person she could be with out is adam. But in the city there is adam, determined to finish this off. He steals the car from his parents and is focused, all the rights music comes on in the background and he makes the trip to her college. He finally reaches the college and gets out and runs to her dorm. Finds her room and as she goes to open the door to take a walk and think about adam, there he is. and she doesn't know what to say, she is speachless, doesn't know how to react and says the first thing she can think of, out of the fear of change she says no and thats where i don't know what to say. My heart falls to the floor and the loss of breath is in place. she closes the door and adam walks slowly back to his car. He puts the key back into the door and he hears her calling his name.. there she is running through the grassy field calling his name... he starts running toward her,and grabs her and holds her as they look into each other eyes and she says, "i do love you"... and they kiss::::
ok too many teen movies... but i really would have done that. the bottom line is that Valerie is leaving to college, and i have to constantly remind myself.. I DON"T LIVE IN A MOVIE... as avril said.." there goes my happy ending" for months i have been picturing things to end soo differently. And truthfully i still think it isn't over, but just a start of something that hasn't totally unraveled. there are so many things that are kept secert and left unsaid, or maybe they were left unsaid because that is the easiest way to deal with the situation. I have to admit i've done a lot of stupid things and said things that are not appropiate, thats the part of me that doesn't like to hold back, the part that doesn't like things left with no closer. The fact of the matter is, although i wish differently, is that right now we are just friends and thats how it has to stay for now. I have to respect that and i love this girl and thats how she needs me. yeah there are feelings there, feels soo strong that i can't contain myself sometimes, and there are nights and daydreams of thoughts of my happy ending but in the end i have to deal what is there now. So she is off to college, where she might hook up with other guys then her boyfriend, and this is weird but i kinda feel weird about that. I can sort deal with her and phil, but how there are other guys that are going to kiss her, that kinda gets to me, ughh the thought even makes me ughhhhh whatever.. i can't think about that. But i shouldn't think that way. she is just a friend and those are the things that only like boyfriends and ex's think about. the thought I'll always be there for her and i hope the best for her in college.
As for college for me.. i have figure that out. I finished my minor in marketing after this semester in marketing. but part of me wants to transfer. I don't know if i should though. whatev... i dunno there are sooo many other things that are going on in my head soo many feelings that are felt. but i have to wake up early tomorrow.. so i'm going to sleep :-D -adam
If anyone could actually see what imaginary board looks like.. all they would see is cross outs, scratch marks from my nails from being sooo fustrated. chalk dust from all the erase mark.. not one part of this board would be clean. Names erased and rewritten and erased but still keep an imprint on the board. some times i feel like i want to wash everything off and start over.. can we really do that.. the black board will forever have the indents and imprints of the mistakes we trace over...but you always have to refer back to the past. Well atleast i do so i don't have to build up a shield i refuse to do that again. I think a shield is something that is developed because someone couldn't coupe with the pain. Instead of learning from it, the person just hides from it. I'm not scared of getting hurt, yeah it sucks but i'll get over it, but then leads me to think.. maybe thats a shield itself, maybe the reason why i'm not scared of pain is because i'm soo caloused that it doesn't effect me anymore. Its not so much of a shield anymore as it is a way to learn from my past and not make the same mistakes. wooo.. i totally just contradicted myself. this is why there are scratch outs everywhere.
Then i've been asking myself what do i really want in a girl. I'm soo confused that i don't know even know anymore. I don't think i can fall again. its like i fall for girls who i find myself changing for. Not in a bad way, just change my ways. But then i dunno, i changed myself so much for jess, and once again i don't want to do that, I stopped smoking for her, i didn't go out as much and the guys thought i was changing soo much and at first it would be a good thing. AHHHH i don't know, ok soo deal with my rambling cause its just everything that has been going on in my head for the past couple of days. I'm self destructive, i can never find myself in a place where the water is ever calm. but then i wonder if thats what i really want, when the water, if it ever becomes calm, would i freak out? Would i cause that drop to disturb everything cause that is what i'm used to. Would i keep searching for that one thing that is wrong with the person till i just mess everything up? Cause unwanted drama?
Things are sooo confusing now a days. I told erica of my idea, this weird dream i had, fantasy that i wanted to fulfill, i thought i could do this till I told valerie. The idea that..
:::::she leaves to college saids her goodbyes to her parents and she sits on her bed and is over whalmed. Things are so different now but there is one thing missing. She is thinking about everyone but the one person she thinks about is adam. She wonders if the things this summer ended the way it should have. She thinks about her choices and realizes that the one thing that she always wanted and needed was me all along. That everything else was just there because of the fear of change. That she can't deal with change and the one person she could be with out is adam. But in the city there is adam, determined to finish this off. He steals the car from his parents and is focused, all the rights music comes on in the background and he makes the trip to her college. He finally reaches the college and gets out and runs to her dorm. Finds her room and as she goes to open the door to take a walk and think about adam, there he is. and she doesn't know what to say, she is speachless, doesn't know how to react and says the first thing she can think of, out of the fear of change she says no and thats where i don't know what to say. My heart falls to the floor and the loss of breath is in place. she closes the door and adam walks slowly back to his car. He puts the key back into the door and he hears her calling his name.. there she is running through the grassy field calling his name... he starts running toward her,and grabs her and holds her as they look into each other eyes and she says, "i do love you"... and they kiss::::
ok too many teen movies... but i really would have done that. the bottom line is that Valerie is leaving to college, and i have to constantly remind myself.. I DON"T LIVE IN A MOVIE... as avril said.." there goes my happy ending" for months i have been picturing things to end soo differently. And truthfully i still think it isn't over, but just a start of something that hasn't totally unraveled. there are so many things that are kept secert and left unsaid, or maybe they were left unsaid because that is the easiest way to deal with the situation. I have to admit i've done a lot of stupid things and said things that are not appropiate, thats the part of me that doesn't like to hold back, the part that doesn't like things left with no closer. The fact of the matter is, although i wish differently, is that right now we are just friends and thats how it has to stay for now. I have to respect that and i love this girl and thats how she needs me. yeah there are feelings there, feels soo strong that i can't contain myself sometimes, and there are nights and daydreams of thoughts of my happy ending but in the end i have to deal what is there now. So she is off to college, where she might hook up with other guys then her boyfriend, and this is weird but i kinda feel weird about that. I can sort deal with her and phil, but how there are other guys that are going to kiss her, that kinda gets to me, ughh the thought even makes me ughhhhh whatever.. i can't think about that. But i shouldn't think that way. she is just a friend and those are the things that only like boyfriends and ex's think about. the thought I'll always be there for her and i hope the best for her in college.
As for college for me.. i have figure that out. I finished my minor in marketing after this semester in marketing. but part of me wants to transfer. I don't know if i should though. whatev... i dunno there are sooo many other things that are going on in my head soo many feelings that are felt. but i have to wake up early tomorrow.. so i'm going to sleep :-D -adam