fic: all the stars and boulevards [ 6 ]
title all the stars and boulevards [ 6 ]
author snuffleslove
pairing zayn/liam, harry/louis, girl!niall
word count 60k
rating pg-13 (now)
warnings slash, swearing, drugs, genderswap, abuse, domestic violence, dub-con
summary zayn and louis take on columbia (university!au)
a/n AU where the boys are international students at columbia university and new york city is taken by storm.
"Liam's bringing someone to dinner?" Niall asks.
"Hmm?" Zayn murmurs, the question not quite registering as he scans last page of his paper for errors.
"Zayn? Do you know anything about this?" She leans across her bed to put her phone in his face. Zayn steadies her hand to read what Liam's sent.
hey ni gona brng some1 to dinner 2nite, save 6 seats in hewitt? xx
"It's probably nothing," Zayn tells her, even as his stomach gives a little lurch. And even if it is something, Liam's better off, he tells himself firmly. She just sighs, closes her book with a snap.
"I can't ignore my stomach any longer Zayn. Let's go," they're sitting on opposite ends of her bed, and she tickles the inside of his good foot with hers where they overlap.
"Quit it, Ni," Zayn mumbles, turning his attention back to his paper, "And, done," he saves the document with a flourish, uploads it to the dropbox for his class and then turns his attention back to Niall. "Thank fuck. I never want to hear the words sexual selection ever again." Niall raises an eyebrow at him but she's too impatient to bother asking.
"Come on, let's go," she complains, getting up and handing him his crutches. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and then pauses, stares at her in a moment of doubt. When she notices she huffs another sigh and moves to stand between his knees carefully and wrap her arms around his neck. "It's probably nothing," she repeats back to him confidently.
--
He's definitely fit. Older and clean shaven with a disarming smile and a genuine laugh. And it's most definitely not nothing, thinks Zayn, heart sinking. And then he hates himself for it. Liam deserves to be happy. And Zayn can't make him happy, so he just has to deal with him seeing other people. And that's that.
He forces a smile when Liam introduces them warmly.
"Dylan, this is Zayn Malik. He's a sophomore." They shake his hands firmly.
"Nice to meet you," Dylan says, giving him a look that is entirely too knowing for Zayn's liking.
"You too," Zayn says, trying to be equally as friendly. Underneath the table Louis pinches him.
"Fuck, Lou," Zayn mutters out of the corner of his mouth. "What was that for?"
"Be nice," Louis mutters back. Christ, is he that obvious?
"Dylan was a senior on the wrestling team when I was a freshman. He went to Cali for grad school but he's back at Columbia for a med school interview," Liam tells them happily, beaming at Dylan. Niall lets out a low whistle.
"Med school huh?" she asks.
"Forget that," Harry puts in, "California? That's brilliant. We've always wanted to go." Dylan laughs.
"How did you manage to find all the cute international kids Li?" he asks affectionately. He turns to Harry. "California is amazing," he agrees, "Just. A bit of an adjustment after the city. Everything is so much. Slower. I don't know. Might just be because I'm sick of school."
"Sounds like you're signing up for like, a million more years of it," Louis points out skeptically.
"Yeah, true, but I'm going to go abroad in the summer, spend some time in Morocco maybe," he nudges Liam with an elbow. "Trying to convince Li to come with me but he's a square."
"Fuck off Chaz," Liam says sweetly and Dylan responds by messing up his hair.
"Chaz?" Niall asks curiously.
"Every guy on the team gets a nickname," Dylan explains.
"Oh my god, remember that one time Spence thought your actual name was Chaz and he tried finding you on facebook that way?"
Dylan bursts out laughing.
"God, yes. And he kept rejecting my actual friend request because he was like who the fuck is Dylan Peterson?"
Liam's laughing hysterically by now.
"God, Spence can be such an idiot," he wheezes when he can speak again.
"Hey Li, what's your nickname?" Louis asks curiously. Liam shrugs, looks to Dylan like he's the fucking sun.
"Chaz just started calling me Li and it stuck," he explains.
"But we always call you Li," Niall protests. Liam shrugs again.
"No one ever called me Li before I came to Columbia," he says. Dylan looks at him, suddenly serious.
"You speak to you sister yet, kid?" he asks sternly, and Zayn fucking hates how much it bothers him that he's not the only one Liam's confided in. Obviously Liam has other friends here at Columbia. Obviously. He watches as Liam offers Dylan a small smile.
"Yeah, I have Chaz. She's doing good," Liam says softly and Dylan pats him on the back, lets his hand linger along the curve of Liam's spine as far as Zayn can see around the round dining hall table.
"Proud of you," he says genuinely. There's silence for a moment, and Louis, Harry, Zayn and Niall exchange glances. Finally, Harry clears his throat.
"M'gonna try some of that pumpkin pie if there's any left. Anyone want anything?"
"Pie for me, too, please, Haz, you're a doll," Louis winks at him and Harry kisses him full on the mouth.
"Anything for you babe," he says.
"He's pretty fucking brilliant," Dylan observes when he's left and Louis chortles.
"Accurate," Louis agrees, proudly.
"Ugh," Niall says, wrinkling her nose, "Don't encourage him."
"So are you all from England then?" he asks, and Niall rolls her eyes, opens her mouth to tell him off, when he turns to her, "Except you. You're from Ireland?"
Niall closes her mouth with a pleased little smile and Liam beams up at Dylan.
"Yeah," Liam says, "But Harry and Louis met here. Louis and Zayn went to school together though," he tells Dylan.
"Oh," Dylan turns to Zayn for the second time that night. "Sports injury?" he asks sympathetically, nodding at the crutches.
"I - uh," Zayn stutters, caught off guard by the question.
"S'a bit more complicated than that," Liam cuts in quickly, laying a strong hand on Dylan's elbow. Dylan turns to Liam and nods, doesn't ask anymore questions and christ, it's giving Zayn a headache thinking about how close they must have been. Across the table, Niall bites her lip, shoots him a concerned look, and Louis rests an arm on the edge of Zayn's chair, a warm pressure in his back and what the fuck is my problem, he thinks to himself miserably.
Harry comes back with an entire pie and Niall's eyes widen.
"What the hell," she exclaims, "How did you -?" Harry gives her an innocent shrug.
"What can I say? They really really like me," he says with a wicked gleam. Niall crosses her arms, grumbling something about wicked old cafeteria ladies and annoyingly charming boys.
When they've devoured an entire pie between the six of them Dylan turns to Liam.
"I better get going. Promised Nick I'd meet up with him so he could buy me a drink or three. It was great to see you though, Li," he says, squeezing Liam's shoulder roughly.
"Take care of yourself, yeah Chaz?" Liam turns in his chair to embrace him and Dylan nods.
"See ya'll later," he says with a flick of his fingers.
"He was really nice, Li," Niall says when he's gone. Everyone nods in agreement and Zayn does too, he does.
"I'm glad you liked him. He's. I owe him a lot," Liam grins almost shyly.
They throw their plates out and then Niall says she's got to meet a few of her friends to go over some choreo her class tomorrow. The boys begin to make their way back to Columbia, walking slowly in the night air. Zayn's hands itch to light a cigarette but, it's basically impossible to walk on crutches and smoke at the same time. He knows. He's tried it.
"It's a Thursday night you know," Louis muses when they're halfway down College Walk. "We're only sophomores and we're already boring," he moans.
"And I'm still a freshman," Harry points out, tucking himself underneath Louis' arm.
"And he's only a freshman," exclaims Louis, "We're sucking the life out of him already!"
"I rather like when you suck the life out of me," Harry deadpans. Liam stops short.
"Oh my god," he moans, "You didn't."
Louis's staring up at Harry, eyes darkening slightly.
"Yeah?" he murmurs, voice low.
"That - worked?" Zayn asks incredulously to Liam. "Christ, Lou, really?" But they're whispering to each other and they don't pay Zayn any attention.
"We're uh, we're going to head back to Harry's," Louis says a little breathlessly, "Liam be a gentleman and take Zayn home?" He doesn't bother waiting for Liam's reply.
"Oh my god," Liam says again, voice low with disbelief. "What just happened?"
"I don't want to know." Zayn says firmly. They look at each other, trying desperately not to laugh until they can't control themselves anymore and suddenly they're doubled over, laughter coming out in snorts and embarrassing whimpers.
"Come on," Liam says when he can breathe again. He skips forward and doubles back to keep up with Zayn's snail pace.
"You're in a good mood," Zayn observes.
"Yeah. Yeah. It's good to see Harry and Louis back together," Liam grins. "And it was really good to see Dylan," he slows his pace a little, walking backwards so he can face Zayn, "You liked him right?"
"I - yeah. Course I did," Zayn says, biting his tongue.
"Good. I'm glad. He helped me out a lot, you know, when I first got here," he swings around so they're walking side by side again, "took me under his wing kind of, you know? He uh. Helped me come out to the team and stuff. He might have been the first one to tell me it was ok to be gay," his smile turns cheeky all of a sudden, "and he's the one who convinced me to ask you out finally." Zayn stops short and Liam turns too.
"What?"
"Yeah," he laughs a little, "There was this guy, you know. Used to see him everywhere on campus. Thought he was gorgeous, quiet, bit broody but. And then he ends up in my sociology class. In my discussion section, no less. Chaz convinced me it was fate," he's blushing now, face lit up by the soft hum of the streetlight they're standing underneath.
"Shit. I - really?" Liam shrugs.
"Not everything works out the way you want it to," he says quietly, almost to himself, starting to walk again. Zayn follows him after a moment, "but if I hadn't - I mean. I can't imagine a life without you and Niall and Harry and Louis, you know? I think it was fate." He gives Zayn a lopsided smile. "You know," he says, skipping forward again, "Louis was right. We should do something tonight." He doubles back, tilts his head up to feel the slight breeze, almost giddy.
Zayn opens his mouth and closes it.
"Sure," he says finally, grinning at Liam. And he finds that when he starts smiling he can't stop, "What do you want to do?"
"Uh," Liam's hands flop down heavily. "We could," he gives Zayn a sheepish smile. "Go back to yours and watch a movie?" Zayn snorts.
"Adventurous," he remarks, Liam shrugs ruefully.
"One step at a time," he winks.
"Fine, but we have to go to yours because you're the one with the Miyazaki films."
Liam's eyes widen.
"You're such a nerd," he tells him. Zayn scoffs.
"Please. Coming from the guy who owns the box set of X-Men. Half of those aren't even that good."
"Yeah well. At least I don't have the actual comics," Liam says. Zayn's mouth falls open.
"How did you - Did Louis tell you?" Liam bursts out laughing.
"Oh my god you actually have them," he says gleefully, "I was just fishing." Zayn feels the tips of his ears heat up.
"Fuck off," he groans.
"You were that kid weren't you. You collected them didn't you," Liam teases.
"I uh. Yeah," Zayn admits finally, easy for this boy and his questions.
"God that's cute," Liam practically croons.
"Shut up," Zayn begs. Liam waggles his eyebrows.
"Never," he proclaims, but then he turns serious for a moment. "Have you been to comic con here? I hear it's amazing." Zayn's eyes light up.
"I want to so badly," Zayn says, talking fast, completely forgetting his embarrassment. "Ever since I figured out I was coming here, actually. But I can't find anyone to go with me. And if I go I want to like, dress up and everything, that would be brilliant."
"I'll go with you, but only if we can be Iron Man and Captain America," Liam throws out nonchalantly.
Zayn stops where he is again.
"Really?"
"I get to be Captain America," Liam adds quickly. Zayn's eyes widen.
"Really?" he presses. Liam laughs.
"Yeah, course I will," he says softly.
"You're amazing Li," Zayn tells him, because ok, carrying his bag around campus for him is one thing, but like, dressing up and paying to brave a bunch of mostly obnoxious nerds and listen to panels for hours on end that he doesn't actually care about. That's, well. Wow.
"Course I am," Liam says off-handedly, with a wave of his hand. But he's smiling his crinkly eyed smile.
--
They're almost through Spirited Away when they hear the knock on the door. Zayn groans his annoyance.
"Haz and Lou?" Liam asks, pausing the movie. Zayn shakes his head.
"Doubtful. They're probably still fucking," Zayn says with a roll of his eyes. "Niall?" Liam shrugs.
"Definitely not, she'll be exhausted after rehearsal. Maybe I still have other friends," he says with a laugh. The knocking starts up again and Liam sighs, slips out of bed to open the door.
"Chaz?" Zayn hears him say. "What are you doing here?"
Zayn swings his legs over the edge of the bed.
"Aren't you going to invite me in," Dylan slurs.
"Are you drunk?" Liam shakes his head fondly, stepping aside to let him in. Dylan's eyes widen.
"Oh. Thought you were alone," Dylan says, frowning.
"Nope," Liam shakes his head. "Zayn and I were watching Spirited Away. S'almost over but," he looks at Zayn, "You can join us. Right Zayn?" Zayn gives a hesitant nod. Something's not right about this -
"I can go," he says quickly, realization dawning. He digs his nails into his palm lightly, the flicker of pain grounding him.
"No," Liam says at the same time Dylan says "Yes." Liam shoots him a look, brow furrowed.
"Chaz - "
"I can go," Zayn forces himself to offer again.
"No," Liam says firmly, raising a hand to stop Zayn from getting up. "Stay, I mean it," he turns back to Dylan. "What's going on Chaz?"
"Nothing, just you know," he slurs, "wanted to see you."
"Chaz," Liam shakes his head again, "We're gonna finish our movie ok? You can stay, if you want. Budge over Zayn," he says, settling himself on the bed. Zayn bites his lip, and then scoots over. After a second, Dylan joins them too on the other side of Liam.
"Have you seen the movie before?" Dylan shakes his head no. "Oh. It's um. It's really good."
Conversation is stilted and awkward and Zayn tries to focus on the screen but he can feel the daggers Dylan is sending his way and the way he keeps shifting into Liam and he can't help but breathe a sigh of relief when the movie ends just a little while later. He moves to get up but Liam grabs at his arm, stares at him with an order in his eyes, so Zayn stays put.
"Um, so," Liam starts. "It's uh. It's really late." And it is pretty late. Like, two am. Zayn stifles a yawn, stretching out on Liam's bed. "And I'm um, really tired." Dylan's eyes narrow and then he gets up.
"Alright then, I guess I'm out," he says with a shrug. Liam gets up to walk him the short distance to the door, pulling him into a hug.
Chaz stays close to Liam, slides a hand along his hip and leans in to whisper something into Liam's ear, lingering in his space. Zayn looks away, clenches a fist.
"Chaz, no, it's really late, and I really am tired -"
Dylan snorts.
"Jesus Liam, he doesn't want to be with you, he's made that clear enough. C'mon, what's the harm?" he asks, reaching for him once more, but Liam pulls away. Zayn holds his breath.
"Go home, Dylan," Liam says, soft but firm. There's no pain in his eyes, only a small sadness and Zayn breathes out. Dylan sighs, ruffles up Liam's hair.
"Alright Li, alright," he kisses Liam on the forehead and Liam closes his eyes, smiles softly.
"It was really good seeing you," Liam tells him as he's out the door. "Have a safe flight back, ok?" Dylan shakes his head, eyes crinkled up fondly.
"You're too good, you know that?"
Liam smirks.
"Too good for you anyway," Liam quips and Dylan grins cheekily.
"Good night."
Liam shuts the door with a sigh.
"Sorry about that," he turns back to Zayn, scratching the back of his head meekly, "Want me to walk you home? Or you can stay, if you're too tired? I don't mind sleeping on the floor."
Zayn opens and closes his mouth a few times, tries to filter what he wants to say into what's actually appropriate to say.
"I could have gone," he says finally. Liam shrugs.
"I wanted you to stay," he says simply. Zayn can't help but smile at that, biting at the inside of this cheek to keep his face from getting out of control.
"He's right you know," Zayn tells him, "You are too good."
An unreadable expression flickers across Liam's face and then he smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"You gonna stay?" he deflects. Zayn considers him. He knows what he should do but -
"Well," he says slowly, "I do have an itch to watch Ponyo, but since you're so tired -" he trails off mischeviously.
"God I hate you," Liam groans, "Shove over then," he says, grabbing the movie from his stack of DVDs and settling in next to him.
Zayn falls asleep like, twenty minutes later.
--
It's raining the day he's due to get his cast off, but even that can't put a damper on his mood. It feels like finally, he'll be ridding himself of the pain and heartbreak that exists as a sort of dull throb behind his eyes, an ache in his lower belly, a soreness in his joints. Finally, he'll be putting that part of his life behind him. Finally he'll - be able to walk and smoke at the same time. He sighs. It's the small things really. Being able to swing Niall about and wrestle Louis around and well, erase the pain Zayn catches in Liam's eyes on occasion, when they come to rest on Zayn's injury.
He wants to be able to run and walk and jump again. He wants to be able to move without thinking about why he can't. Without thinking about George.
Zayn's never been happier to be going to a hospital. Even with the rain.
"You didn't have to come with me," he says aloud to Louis and Niall, who are sitting on either side of him in the CU Public Safety van they sent to bring Zayn to Columbia Press. Niall rolls her eyes, but Louis bounces in his seat.
"And miss a chance to ride with Public Safety? Definitely not," he says.
"Oh my god," Niall says and Zayn knows exactly what she's thinking.
"Remember that time we were heading back from Mel's in public safety and you were so drunk you could barely not throw up the entire ten minute ride?"
"Yes," Niall grins, "He looked positively green, no one would sit next to him."
"Was that the time he puked in the bushes all the way back to Carmen?" Zayn asks conversationally to Niall.
"No," Louis interrupts stubbornly, "Because that never happened." Niall cackles.
"I can't remember. Was it different than that time that girl leaned in to kiss him and he threw up on her shoe?"
"Oh my god, none of this is fair. You both are sloppy drunks too, let's tell your stories."
Zayn arches an eyebrow at him.
"Go on then," he challenges. Louis scratches his head.
"No wait, now you're putting me on the spot, that's not fair either - "
Niall's trying to cover her laughter with a hand, the other hand circling Zayn's wrist loosely.
"That's because whenever we're trashed, you're worse," she tells him between giggles. Louis leans over Zayn to muss up her hair. "It hasn't been the three of us in awhile," she says then, voice quieter, and Louis tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, leans forward to get a good look at her.
"Everything's ok right Ni?" he asks cautiously after a moment. Niall smiles at him.
"No, I just. I love you both a lot you know."
Zayn gathers her close, kisses the side of her head and Louis grins at her.
"We love you too, Nialler," Zayn tells her.
"We'd be lost without you," Louis says matter-of-factly, and Zayn nods his agreement in earnest. Niall smirks at them.
"Oh, I know," she tells them solemnly. "I definitely know."
And then the van pulls to a halt and the driver turns around to give them a friendly wave.
"Can you manage?" he asks Zayn. Zayn nods hesitantly, feels Louis and Niall grip his elbows strongly to help him to his feet.
"You ready?" Louis murmurs, eyes searching his. Zayn nods.
"God, yes."
--
The doctor is a pretty lady with blonde curls and an accent Zayn isn't really used to hearing and she talks a lot, but Zayn's really too busy staring at the way his toes wiggle and the pale wrinkles of his foot to really focus on her words.
Niall clears her throat, warm hand resting lightly on Zayn's shoulder.
"Zayn," she coaxes him out of his reverie until he looks up at her, "the doctor wants to give you some instructions now yeah? Try and pay attention?" Zayn nods, turns to the doctor in front of him who smiles encouragingly.
"Alright, I'm going to give you a few very simple stretches to do on your own time whenever you're feeling sore or have a spare minute. They'll help your knee and hip adjust to the increase of weight and strain ok?" Zayn nods. "I'm also giving you some low dosage pain meds that'll help with aches you'll feel in the beginning. Your fracture was a clean one, so I really don't foresee any complications in the future, but just to be sure, please go easy the first few days." Zayn nods again. "And these are your friends here? They go to college with you?"
"We're his family," Louis tells the doctor, voice hoarse. Zayn shoots him a concerned look, almost misses the small smile that plays at the doctor's lips.
"Alright then. I'm going to need something from you two as well. Zayn will want to walk with a sort of limp for the next few days, favoring his good leg over his bad one. Whenever you see him do that you have my permission to hit him on the head," she says.
"Wicked," Niall plays along good-naturedly.
"You don't know what you've unleashed," Zayn smiles at her and the doctor laughs a small laugh before looking seriously at him.
"Zayn, honey, I read your file. I want to be frank with you. The fact of the matter is, if you were admitted here originally, well. We would never have let you walk out without a psych consult." Niall's fingers tighten, "I can set you up with someone here or -"
"I'm ok, I'm fine," Zayn tells her firmly. From his left, Louis makes a small noise. His jaw is clenched tightly and his mouth is set in a line.
"I'm not sure your friends - your family," she corrects herself, "would agree." Zayn looks away. "There's no harm in talking to someone Zayn. You might be ok now, you might be ok in the next month, but if anything ever comes up," she hands him a business card, "this is the number of my good friend who works upstairs. She would be happy to help you."
Zayn watches her glance at Niall and Louis in turn, and then she turns back to him slowly.
"And Zayn? It's not uncommon for victims of abuse to feel worthless, broken, undeserving. It's normal, but it couldn't be farther from the truth, make sure you remember that." She pats his knee gently, gets up to give him space. On his right, Niall turns away from him, but Zayn can still see her swipe at her cheeks. His stomach clenches and he swallows past the lump in his throat, "Come on then," the doctor continues after a moment, smiling warmly at him, "up and at em!"
He gets up gingerly, hesitant to put weight on his leg, but with the doctor's encouraging smile he leans into it, relief taking over when it feels solid beneath him.
"Thank god," he says hoarsely. Louis comes to rest his hand in the small of Zayn's back and his forehead in Zayn's hair.
"You're welcome," Louis deadpans into his ear after a moment, voice deep and melodramatic. Zayn bursts into laughter.
--
"What're you two so cheery about" Zayn asks, bewildered. He'd opened the door of their suite to find Harry and Niall taking up the entire doorframe, grinning wildly at him. Louis comes up behind Zayn to make silly faces at the pair over Zayn's shoulder and Niall pulls out two dutches, holds them in a vee with one hand, the smirk in her eyes reflected in the tilt of Harry's mouth.
"Christ, get in here," Zayn says hurriedly, checking the halls after them to make sure the RA's not out and about. Niall and Harry are laughing.
"Tonight, we are celebrating," Louis says, coming to pull Zayn close by the string of his hoodie, a gleam in his eye that spells mischief. Zayn feels himself return the grin, almost on instinct, slow and steady.
"It's the good stuff," Niall says, "One for you," she hands him one, "and one for us." Zayn's eyes widen. Well alright, this could be fun.
"Are we going to the attic? Where's Liam?" the three of them exchange glances.
"Liam had another idea about how to celebrate. We convinced him to wait until tomorrow," Harry tells him.
"Alright," Zayn says slowly, forehead still creased in confusion.
"And tonight we won't be going to the attic," Niall informs him, smirking at Louis.
"Ah yes," Louis loops an arm around Harry, tugs him closer for a kiss. "Tonight, we walk."
--
They walk down into the depth of Riverside Park, deserted at this hour, shadows cast by skinny trees and vacant benches and a freeway that sounds like the sea. Below them the Hudson River winds it's way along the skyline, so pretty but only in cover of night. Their path is lined with streetlamps that seem to burn brighter and more out of control with every inhalation of toke. And they go on and on, these streetlights, ending at a point forever away. Forever point, Zayn thinks. He watches the way Louis and Harry smoke together, arms intertwined, taking steps that are out of sync and mismatched yet equidistant. They stop every few paces so that Louis can blow sweet smoke into Harry's mouth with every drag, so that between them nothing is wasted. They'll make it to forever point, Zayn thinks.
He takes his own drag, crosses his eyes to watch the embers burn. Niall bumps into him then, and he almost chokes but instead he cups her chin firmly, brings her open mouth to his and exhales. She lets most of the smoke go on a giggle, eyes half lidded and high when they pull away. She tucks her hand in his, laces their fingers together and tugs him to an edge where they can look out into darkness, blank canvas for their own images.
"I see home," she whispers into his shoulder, "Green landscapes and football fields and the studio where I danced."
"I can see," he stumbles over his words, waits for his thoughts to slow and center, "Liam," he says finally, "and that stupid smile of his." Niall laughs, high and bright, bumping elbows with him in simple comradeship, like she can see him too.
"Hey," pouts Harry coming round his other side, "I want laughs too."
"We're watching Liam," Niall informs him. "He's smiling."
"Ok," Harry agrees, turning to watch too. Louis comes up behind Harry, wraps arms around his waist and leans a chin on his elbow, changes the picture.
"I can see an end," he tells them, "that kind of looks like a beginning? School diplomas and shared apartments and Zayn never doing laundry and Harry making the breakfast omelettes."
"Oh god," groans Harry, wrinkling his nose, "Louis -" he whines. Louis kisses his neck what'd i do?
"Food," Niall declares, "Right now."
Harry nods his agreement.
"Fuck, what I'd do for an omelet right now," he moans, turning in Louis' arms to kiss him on the mouth this is all your fault.
"Cookie dough, and potato chips, and fuck, vanilla milkshakes, please," Niall says.
"Pass the dutch," Louis whines, "You're babysitting." Zayn watches the tricky exchange of the almost roach between clumsy fingers, the hiss of Louis' breath setting Zayn on edge. He takes another drag of his own, paranoia turning him to watch the road, double check for any lone dog walkers or lost cops. It's like a crack in his vision, what Louis said about their future, and he sees it plain as day down the path lined with street lamps, a crack that cuts through. And he sucks in a breath with the feelings that rush at him, make him lose his footing.
And just like that, Louis's there, steadying him with a hand in the vee of his shoulders.
"You alright?" he murmurs, head tilted up to stare straight into Zayn's eyes. Zayn tries to slide a mask in place but it's translucent and he knows Louis isn't fooled. "I'm sorry, Zayn," Louis breathes out in a rush. "With the Varsity Show and then Harry I -. I've just been wrapped up in my own shit, haven't I? Fuck, I'm a dick."
Zayn stares at him.
"I think we've all been pretty wrapped up in your shit," he says and fuck that's really not what he meant to say but his thoughts are moving so fast. Louis bites his lip.
"Are you alright?" he asks. Zayn looks up behind him to where Harry and Niall have laid out on the grass. It's just the two of them. It's just Louis. Zayn takes a deep breath.
"I dunno," he says. And suddenly he's grateful for the buzz, makes it easy to be honest. "George is. He's so far at the edge of my thoughts and I'm happy about it, I'm so fucking thrilled about it but it also scares the shit out of me because I know exactly who I have to thank." Louis is smiling at him.
"You said his name, without stuttering or like, hesitation," Louis is fucking beaming at him. Like a kid on Christmas. Did he not just hear anything Zayn's said. "I could kiss Liam." And. Oh. Zayn rolls his eyes.
"If you weren't with Harry, I'd almost think that was a good idea," Zayn mutters. Louis' eyes widen and then he shakes his head.
"No. No, Zayn. C'mon. We're not. We're not doing this again," there's frustration, plain as day on his face, and Zayn takes a step away, narrowing his eyes darkly. Louis swears under his breath. "Tell me you don't like him Zayn. Tell me it's not killing you to keep him at arm's length."
"I - I don't keep him at arm's length," Zayn mumbles, and it's true. He's gotten weak about it, self-indulgent.
"You're. Listen, here's an idea. Tell him how you feel, and then let him decide what he deserves. Isn't that fair?" But Zayn is already shaking his head.
"You don't see it, Lou -"
"Right, because I only see the way he looks at you like you're the fucking queen of England."
"I see the way he looks at me, alright," Zayn snaps, "I get it, ok? I'm beautiful and tragic and he wants to mend me or whatever, I dunno. But trust me, Louis. He doesn't know what he's getting himself into and if he did know he wouldn't want me. I'm doing him a favor."
Louis blinks up at him, the look he shoots him almost causes Zayn physical pain. If looks can kill, isn't that the saying?
"What about you then?" Louis asks quietly, resigned almost. "I see the way look at him too. You want him, Zayn, I know you do."
And Zayn can't lie, not to Louis. It's infuriating.
"Yeah," he breathes out. "But I'll manage. He's just. He's Liam, you know? It's hard for me to stay away." Louis's regarding him with an unreadable expression when Zayn looks up at him again. "What?"
"Nothing. I just. I can tell. You've spent, what, two nights in his bed in one week?"
Zayn blushes. Shit, he's let this get way out of hand.
"I'm being selfish, I know, I just. I can't say no to him and I can't stay away and. Fuck. It's such a mess isn't it? I've been trying to pretend it isn't, but it is," he says despairingly. Louis pulls him into an unexpected hug then, hand pressing fingerprints into the back of his neck.
"You're breaking his heart, you know," Louis whispers fiercely. Zayn stiffens, squeezes his eyes shut. "You're breaking his heart and you're breaking yours too, and. It's stupid because you both make each other so happy." Zayn can't say anything to that and instead he wraps his arms around Louis tightly, lets himself be held for a moment.
In like a second he's surrounded by two more bodies, warm and firm behind and around him and over him.
"Group hug," giggles Niall delightedly, trying to squeeze her way in between Louis and Zayn. She sticks her hands in the pockets of Louis' sweater, pushes up into his frame. "Sing for us," she demands. He looks at her, amusement bleeding into the serious expression he has for Zayn.
"What do you want to hear?"
"Wait, can we go to the attic?" Harry asks excitedly, eyes wild, "We haven't made music together in ages."
"We can't go to the attic without Liam," Niall says firmly. Harry shrugs.
"We could call him. He's up, he was texting me like twenty minutes ago. C'mon, Lou," he wheedles, "It'll be fun."
"I'm um," Zayn starts, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "I'm actually going to head home," he says, avoids Niall's crestfallen look. "I'm exhausted you know. Long day."
"I'm going to go with you, actually," Louis speaks up, cups Harry's face to bring him down for a quick kiss. "You don't mind Haz, right?" Harry smiles warmly at him.
"Ugh you're leaving me alone with this one?" Harry whines, looping an arm around Niall and stealing her away from Louis.
"Let's go for milkshakes, Haz," she says, eyes bright. Harry laughs, lets himself be tugged along, shooting Louis and Zayn a warm glance over his shoulder.
"C'mon," Louis says, lacing their fingers together and leading Zayn back to Columbia. Zayn bites his lip, mutters a curse under his breath, and lights a cigarette, swallowing the first inhale almost desperately. Louis doesn't say anything for awhile, just lets him be with his thoughts, and that's almost worse, and Zayn thinks Louis knows that. Fuck him, though, really.
"So," Louis starts eventually, apparently having decided to take pity on him, "What are you going to do?"
Zayn sighs.
"Dunno. You're right, I have to -" he takes a deep breath, "I have to give him some space, let him move on," he lets out a small, sad laugh, "Let myself move on." Louis doesn't say anything but the tension rolls off him in waves.
"You have that thing tomorrow though," he says finally. Zayn furrows his brow.
"What thing?"
"Your celebration, the one Liam planned. Don't bail, he's so stoked about it Zayner. Just. Have this one night with him, and then, you can. Do what you think you need to do," there's a pained expression on his face, like he doesn't agree with a word he's saying but he doesn't argue with Zayn, doesn't try and change his mind, just asks this one thing of him. Zayn sighs again.
"Yeah, alright. That could be good, too, yeah? Closure and all that." They've reached their building by now and they flash IDs for the guard and wait for the elevator. Louis fidgets, opens and closes his mouth a few times but each time he decides the better of it, until finally he gives up with the internal argument that Zayn knows he's having with himself, just rests his head against Zayn's shoulder.
"M'sleepy," he says quietly.
"Weed coma," Zayn affirms, enjoying the way his limbs feel heavy. They collapse together into Zayn's bed, and Zayn utters a silent thanks for the like twenty fifth time that day for how easy again to do something as simple as tug his trousers off. Louis tangles himself up in him, and Zayn lets him, even though his body is too warm and his stubble too scratchy.
"Good night Zayner," is the last thing Louis mumbles before he's fast asleep, breathing hot breath into Zayn's ear and pressing cold feet to Zayn's shin.
--
They're allowed to sleep as long as they want today. Apparently that means until Harry comes poking into their room.
"Hey, you two, wake up," he says, sitting on the edge of the bed and poking at Louis' shoulder. Louis turns and grunts at him and Zayn takes the opportunity to steal back the covers.
"Time is it?" Louis mutters.
"Like, a little after four," Harry laughs.
"C'mere," Louis says, reaching with a heavy hand to pull Harry into bed. There's no room but they make it work, tucked into each other like peas in a pod or something equally ridiculous. Zayn's got his arms draped around Louis' waist and Louis' got his face pressed into Harry's chest and Harry interlaces Zayn's hands where they rest on Louis' hip and kisses Louis on the forehead.
"You both are ridiculous," he tells them, and Zayn hears the chuckle in his voice and wonders idly what it's like to wake up to that every morning.
"Shh," Louis murmurs, tilting his chin up to kiss Harry and Zayn lets his body drift back to sleep until he hears the kisses become deeper.
"M'still here, " he reminds them helpfully. Harry laughs a little breathlessly into Louis' mouth and turns their kisses chaste, bringing Louis back from the brink of arousal.
"Love you," Louis mumbles sleepily, tucking himself into Harry once more. Zayn's eyes fly open quick enough to see the way those two words make Harry light up like the fucking sun, dimples set deep.
--
author snuffleslove
pairing zayn/liam, harry/louis, girl!niall
word count 60k
rating pg-13 (now)
warnings slash, swearing, drugs, genderswap, abuse, domestic violence, dub-con
summary zayn and louis take on columbia (university!au)
a/n AU where the boys are international students at columbia university and new york city is taken by storm.
"Liam's bringing someone to dinner?" Niall asks.
"Hmm?" Zayn murmurs, the question not quite registering as he scans last page of his paper for errors.
"Zayn? Do you know anything about this?" She leans across her bed to put her phone in his face. Zayn steadies her hand to read what Liam's sent.
hey ni gona brng some1 to dinner 2nite, save 6 seats in hewitt? xx
"It's probably nothing," Zayn tells her, even as his stomach gives a little lurch. And even if it is something, Liam's better off, he tells himself firmly. She just sighs, closes her book with a snap.
"I can't ignore my stomach any longer Zayn. Let's go," they're sitting on opposite ends of her bed, and she tickles the inside of his good foot with hers where they overlap.
"Quit it, Ni," Zayn mumbles, turning his attention back to his paper, "And, done," he saves the document with a flourish, uploads it to the dropbox for his class and then turns his attention back to Niall. "Thank fuck. I never want to hear the words sexual selection ever again." Niall raises an eyebrow at him but she's too impatient to bother asking.
"Come on, let's go," she complains, getting up and handing him his crutches. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and then pauses, stares at her in a moment of doubt. When she notices she huffs another sigh and moves to stand between his knees carefully and wrap her arms around his neck. "It's probably nothing," she repeats back to him confidently.
--
He's definitely fit. Older and clean shaven with a disarming smile and a genuine laugh. And it's most definitely not nothing, thinks Zayn, heart sinking. And then he hates himself for it. Liam deserves to be happy. And Zayn can't make him happy, so he just has to deal with him seeing other people. And that's that.
He forces a smile when Liam introduces them warmly.
"Dylan, this is Zayn Malik. He's a sophomore." They shake his hands firmly.
"Nice to meet you," Dylan says, giving him a look that is entirely too knowing for Zayn's liking.
"You too," Zayn says, trying to be equally as friendly. Underneath the table Louis pinches him.
"Fuck, Lou," Zayn mutters out of the corner of his mouth. "What was that for?"
"Be nice," Louis mutters back. Christ, is he that obvious?
"Dylan was a senior on the wrestling team when I was a freshman. He went to Cali for grad school but he's back at Columbia for a med school interview," Liam tells them happily, beaming at Dylan. Niall lets out a low whistle.
"Med school huh?" she asks.
"Forget that," Harry puts in, "California? That's brilliant. We've always wanted to go." Dylan laughs.
"How did you manage to find all the cute international kids Li?" he asks affectionately. He turns to Harry. "California is amazing," he agrees, "Just. A bit of an adjustment after the city. Everything is so much. Slower. I don't know. Might just be because I'm sick of school."
"Sounds like you're signing up for like, a million more years of it," Louis points out skeptically.
"Yeah, true, but I'm going to go abroad in the summer, spend some time in Morocco maybe," he nudges Liam with an elbow. "Trying to convince Li to come with me but he's a square."
"Fuck off Chaz," Liam says sweetly and Dylan responds by messing up his hair.
"Chaz?" Niall asks curiously.
"Every guy on the team gets a nickname," Dylan explains.
"Oh my god, remember that one time Spence thought your actual name was Chaz and he tried finding you on facebook that way?"
Dylan bursts out laughing.
"God, yes. And he kept rejecting my actual friend request because he was like who the fuck is Dylan Peterson?"
Liam's laughing hysterically by now.
"God, Spence can be such an idiot," he wheezes when he can speak again.
"Hey Li, what's your nickname?" Louis asks curiously. Liam shrugs, looks to Dylan like he's the fucking sun.
"Chaz just started calling me Li and it stuck," he explains.
"But we always call you Li," Niall protests. Liam shrugs again.
"No one ever called me Li before I came to Columbia," he says. Dylan looks at him, suddenly serious.
"You speak to you sister yet, kid?" he asks sternly, and Zayn fucking hates how much it bothers him that he's not the only one Liam's confided in. Obviously Liam has other friends here at Columbia. Obviously. He watches as Liam offers Dylan a small smile.
"Yeah, I have Chaz. She's doing good," Liam says softly and Dylan pats him on the back, lets his hand linger along the curve of Liam's spine as far as Zayn can see around the round dining hall table.
"Proud of you," he says genuinely. There's silence for a moment, and Louis, Harry, Zayn and Niall exchange glances. Finally, Harry clears his throat.
"M'gonna try some of that pumpkin pie if there's any left. Anyone want anything?"
"Pie for me, too, please, Haz, you're a doll," Louis winks at him and Harry kisses him full on the mouth.
"Anything for you babe," he says.
"He's pretty fucking brilliant," Dylan observes when he's left and Louis chortles.
"Accurate," Louis agrees, proudly.
"Ugh," Niall says, wrinkling her nose, "Don't encourage him."
"So are you all from England then?" he asks, and Niall rolls her eyes, opens her mouth to tell him off, when he turns to her, "Except you. You're from Ireland?"
Niall closes her mouth with a pleased little smile and Liam beams up at Dylan.
"Yeah," Liam says, "But Harry and Louis met here. Louis and Zayn went to school together though," he tells Dylan.
"Oh," Dylan turns to Zayn for the second time that night. "Sports injury?" he asks sympathetically, nodding at the crutches.
"I - uh," Zayn stutters, caught off guard by the question.
"S'a bit more complicated than that," Liam cuts in quickly, laying a strong hand on Dylan's elbow. Dylan turns to Liam and nods, doesn't ask anymore questions and christ, it's giving Zayn a headache thinking about how close they must have been. Across the table, Niall bites her lip, shoots him a concerned look, and Louis rests an arm on the edge of Zayn's chair, a warm pressure in his back and what the fuck is my problem, he thinks to himself miserably.
Harry comes back with an entire pie and Niall's eyes widen.
"What the hell," she exclaims, "How did you -?" Harry gives her an innocent shrug.
"What can I say? They really really like me," he says with a wicked gleam. Niall crosses her arms, grumbling something about wicked old cafeteria ladies and annoyingly charming boys.
When they've devoured an entire pie between the six of them Dylan turns to Liam.
"I better get going. Promised Nick I'd meet up with him so he could buy me a drink or three. It was great to see you though, Li," he says, squeezing Liam's shoulder roughly.
"Take care of yourself, yeah Chaz?" Liam turns in his chair to embrace him and Dylan nods.
"See ya'll later," he says with a flick of his fingers.
"He was really nice, Li," Niall says when he's gone. Everyone nods in agreement and Zayn does too, he does.
"I'm glad you liked him. He's. I owe him a lot," Liam grins almost shyly.
They throw their plates out and then Niall says she's got to meet a few of her friends to go over some choreo her class tomorrow. The boys begin to make their way back to Columbia, walking slowly in the night air. Zayn's hands itch to light a cigarette but, it's basically impossible to walk on crutches and smoke at the same time. He knows. He's tried it.
"It's a Thursday night you know," Louis muses when they're halfway down College Walk. "We're only sophomores and we're already boring," he moans.
"And I'm still a freshman," Harry points out, tucking himself underneath Louis' arm.
"And he's only a freshman," exclaims Louis, "We're sucking the life out of him already!"
"I rather like when you suck the life out of me," Harry deadpans. Liam stops short.
"Oh my god," he moans, "You didn't."
Louis's staring up at Harry, eyes darkening slightly.
"Yeah?" he murmurs, voice low.
"That - worked?" Zayn asks incredulously to Liam. "Christ, Lou, really?" But they're whispering to each other and they don't pay Zayn any attention.
"We're uh, we're going to head back to Harry's," Louis says a little breathlessly, "Liam be a gentleman and take Zayn home?" He doesn't bother waiting for Liam's reply.
"Oh my god," Liam says again, voice low with disbelief. "What just happened?"
"I don't want to know." Zayn says firmly. They look at each other, trying desperately not to laugh until they can't control themselves anymore and suddenly they're doubled over, laughter coming out in snorts and embarrassing whimpers.
"Come on," Liam says when he can breathe again. He skips forward and doubles back to keep up with Zayn's snail pace.
"You're in a good mood," Zayn observes.
"Yeah. Yeah. It's good to see Harry and Louis back together," Liam grins. "And it was really good to see Dylan," he slows his pace a little, walking backwards so he can face Zayn, "You liked him right?"
"I - yeah. Course I did," Zayn says, biting his tongue.
"Good. I'm glad. He helped me out a lot, you know, when I first got here," he swings around so they're walking side by side again, "took me under his wing kind of, you know? He uh. Helped me come out to the team and stuff. He might have been the first one to tell me it was ok to be gay," his smile turns cheeky all of a sudden, "and he's the one who convinced me to ask you out finally." Zayn stops short and Liam turns too.
"What?"
"Yeah," he laughs a little, "There was this guy, you know. Used to see him everywhere on campus. Thought he was gorgeous, quiet, bit broody but. And then he ends up in my sociology class. In my discussion section, no less. Chaz convinced me it was fate," he's blushing now, face lit up by the soft hum of the streetlight they're standing underneath.
"Shit. I - really?" Liam shrugs.
"Not everything works out the way you want it to," he says quietly, almost to himself, starting to walk again. Zayn follows him after a moment, "but if I hadn't - I mean. I can't imagine a life without you and Niall and Harry and Louis, you know? I think it was fate." He gives Zayn a lopsided smile. "You know," he says, skipping forward again, "Louis was right. We should do something tonight." He doubles back, tilts his head up to feel the slight breeze, almost giddy.
Zayn opens his mouth and closes it.
"Sure," he says finally, grinning at Liam. And he finds that when he starts smiling he can't stop, "What do you want to do?"
"Uh," Liam's hands flop down heavily. "We could," he gives Zayn a sheepish smile. "Go back to yours and watch a movie?" Zayn snorts.
"Adventurous," he remarks, Liam shrugs ruefully.
"One step at a time," he winks.
"Fine, but we have to go to yours because you're the one with the Miyazaki films."
Liam's eyes widen.
"You're such a nerd," he tells him. Zayn scoffs.
"Please. Coming from the guy who owns the box set of X-Men. Half of those aren't even that good."
"Yeah well. At least I don't have the actual comics," Liam says. Zayn's mouth falls open.
"How did you - Did Louis tell you?" Liam bursts out laughing.
"Oh my god you actually have them," he says gleefully, "I was just fishing." Zayn feels the tips of his ears heat up.
"Fuck off," he groans.
"You were that kid weren't you. You collected them didn't you," Liam teases.
"I uh. Yeah," Zayn admits finally, easy for this boy and his questions.
"God that's cute," Liam practically croons.
"Shut up," Zayn begs. Liam waggles his eyebrows.
"Never," he proclaims, but then he turns serious for a moment. "Have you been to comic con here? I hear it's amazing." Zayn's eyes light up.
"I want to so badly," Zayn says, talking fast, completely forgetting his embarrassment. "Ever since I figured out I was coming here, actually. But I can't find anyone to go with me. And if I go I want to like, dress up and everything, that would be brilliant."
"I'll go with you, but only if we can be Iron Man and Captain America," Liam throws out nonchalantly.
Zayn stops where he is again.
"Really?"
"I get to be Captain America," Liam adds quickly. Zayn's eyes widen.
"Really?" he presses. Liam laughs.
"Yeah, course I will," he says softly.
"You're amazing Li," Zayn tells him, because ok, carrying his bag around campus for him is one thing, but like, dressing up and paying to brave a bunch of mostly obnoxious nerds and listen to panels for hours on end that he doesn't actually care about. That's, well. Wow.
"Course I am," Liam says off-handedly, with a wave of his hand. But he's smiling his crinkly eyed smile.
--
They're almost through Spirited Away when they hear the knock on the door. Zayn groans his annoyance.
"Haz and Lou?" Liam asks, pausing the movie. Zayn shakes his head.
"Doubtful. They're probably still fucking," Zayn says with a roll of his eyes. "Niall?" Liam shrugs.
"Definitely not, she'll be exhausted after rehearsal. Maybe I still have other friends," he says with a laugh. The knocking starts up again and Liam sighs, slips out of bed to open the door.
"Chaz?" Zayn hears him say. "What are you doing here?"
Zayn swings his legs over the edge of the bed.
"Aren't you going to invite me in," Dylan slurs.
"Are you drunk?" Liam shakes his head fondly, stepping aside to let him in. Dylan's eyes widen.
"Oh. Thought you were alone," Dylan says, frowning.
"Nope," Liam shakes his head. "Zayn and I were watching Spirited Away. S'almost over but," he looks at Zayn, "You can join us. Right Zayn?" Zayn gives a hesitant nod. Something's not right about this -
"I can go," he says quickly, realization dawning. He digs his nails into his palm lightly, the flicker of pain grounding him.
"No," Liam says at the same time Dylan says "Yes." Liam shoots him a look, brow furrowed.
"Chaz - "
"I can go," Zayn forces himself to offer again.
"No," Liam says firmly, raising a hand to stop Zayn from getting up. "Stay, I mean it," he turns back to Dylan. "What's going on Chaz?"
"Nothing, just you know," he slurs, "wanted to see you."
"Chaz," Liam shakes his head again, "We're gonna finish our movie ok? You can stay, if you want. Budge over Zayn," he says, settling himself on the bed. Zayn bites his lip, and then scoots over. After a second, Dylan joins them too on the other side of Liam.
"Have you seen the movie before?" Dylan shakes his head no. "Oh. It's um. It's really good."
Conversation is stilted and awkward and Zayn tries to focus on the screen but he can feel the daggers Dylan is sending his way and the way he keeps shifting into Liam and he can't help but breathe a sigh of relief when the movie ends just a little while later. He moves to get up but Liam grabs at his arm, stares at him with an order in his eyes, so Zayn stays put.
"Um, so," Liam starts. "It's uh. It's really late." And it is pretty late. Like, two am. Zayn stifles a yawn, stretching out on Liam's bed. "And I'm um, really tired." Dylan's eyes narrow and then he gets up.
"Alright then, I guess I'm out," he says with a shrug. Liam gets up to walk him the short distance to the door, pulling him into a hug.
Chaz stays close to Liam, slides a hand along his hip and leans in to whisper something into Liam's ear, lingering in his space. Zayn looks away, clenches a fist.
"Chaz, no, it's really late, and I really am tired -"
Dylan snorts.
"Jesus Liam, he doesn't want to be with you, he's made that clear enough. C'mon, what's the harm?" he asks, reaching for him once more, but Liam pulls away. Zayn holds his breath.
"Go home, Dylan," Liam says, soft but firm. There's no pain in his eyes, only a small sadness and Zayn breathes out. Dylan sighs, ruffles up Liam's hair.
"Alright Li, alright," he kisses Liam on the forehead and Liam closes his eyes, smiles softly.
"It was really good seeing you," Liam tells him as he's out the door. "Have a safe flight back, ok?" Dylan shakes his head, eyes crinkled up fondly.
"You're too good, you know that?"
Liam smirks.
"Too good for you anyway," Liam quips and Dylan grins cheekily.
"Good night."
Liam shuts the door with a sigh.
"Sorry about that," he turns back to Zayn, scratching the back of his head meekly, "Want me to walk you home? Or you can stay, if you're too tired? I don't mind sleeping on the floor."
Zayn opens and closes his mouth a few times, tries to filter what he wants to say into what's actually appropriate to say.
"I could have gone," he says finally. Liam shrugs.
"I wanted you to stay," he says simply. Zayn can't help but smile at that, biting at the inside of this cheek to keep his face from getting out of control.
"He's right you know," Zayn tells him, "You are too good."
An unreadable expression flickers across Liam's face and then he smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"You gonna stay?" he deflects. Zayn considers him. He knows what he should do but -
"Well," he says slowly, "I do have an itch to watch Ponyo, but since you're so tired -" he trails off mischeviously.
"God I hate you," Liam groans, "Shove over then," he says, grabbing the movie from his stack of DVDs and settling in next to him.
Zayn falls asleep like, twenty minutes later.
--
It's raining the day he's due to get his cast off, but even that can't put a damper on his mood. It feels like finally, he'll be ridding himself of the pain and heartbreak that exists as a sort of dull throb behind his eyes, an ache in his lower belly, a soreness in his joints. Finally, he'll be putting that part of his life behind him. Finally he'll - be able to walk and smoke at the same time. He sighs. It's the small things really. Being able to swing Niall about and wrestle Louis around and well, erase the pain Zayn catches in Liam's eyes on occasion, when they come to rest on Zayn's injury.
He wants to be able to run and walk and jump again. He wants to be able to move without thinking about why he can't. Without thinking about George.
Zayn's never been happier to be going to a hospital. Even with the rain.
"You didn't have to come with me," he says aloud to Louis and Niall, who are sitting on either side of him in the CU Public Safety van they sent to bring Zayn to Columbia Press. Niall rolls her eyes, but Louis bounces in his seat.
"And miss a chance to ride with Public Safety? Definitely not," he says.
"Oh my god," Niall says and Zayn knows exactly what she's thinking.
"Remember that time we were heading back from Mel's in public safety and you were so drunk you could barely not throw up the entire ten minute ride?"
"Yes," Niall grins, "He looked positively green, no one would sit next to him."
"Was that the time he puked in the bushes all the way back to Carmen?" Zayn asks conversationally to Niall.
"No," Louis interrupts stubbornly, "Because that never happened." Niall cackles.
"I can't remember. Was it different than that time that girl leaned in to kiss him and he threw up on her shoe?"
"Oh my god, none of this is fair. You both are sloppy drunks too, let's tell your stories."
Zayn arches an eyebrow at him.
"Go on then," he challenges. Louis scratches his head.
"No wait, now you're putting me on the spot, that's not fair either - "
Niall's trying to cover her laughter with a hand, the other hand circling Zayn's wrist loosely.
"That's because whenever we're trashed, you're worse," she tells him between giggles. Louis leans over Zayn to muss up her hair. "It hasn't been the three of us in awhile," she says then, voice quieter, and Louis tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, leans forward to get a good look at her.
"Everything's ok right Ni?" he asks cautiously after a moment. Niall smiles at him.
"No, I just. I love you both a lot you know."
Zayn gathers her close, kisses the side of her head and Louis grins at her.
"We love you too, Nialler," Zayn tells her.
"We'd be lost without you," Louis says matter-of-factly, and Zayn nods his agreement in earnest. Niall smirks at them.
"Oh, I know," she tells them solemnly. "I definitely know."
And then the van pulls to a halt and the driver turns around to give them a friendly wave.
"Can you manage?" he asks Zayn. Zayn nods hesitantly, feels Louis and Niall grip his elbows strongly to help him to his feet.
"You ready?" Louis murmurs, eyes searching his. Zayn nods.
"God, yes."
--
The doctor is a pretty lady with blonde curls and an accent Zayn isn't really used to hearing and she talks a lot, but Zayn's really too busy staring at the way his toes wiggle and the pale wrinkles of his foot to really focus on her words.
Niall clears her throat, warm hand resting lightly on Zayn's shoulder.
"Zayn," she coaxes him out of his reverie until he looks up at her, "the doctor wants to give you some instructions now yeah? Try and pay attention?" Zayn nods, turns to the doctor in front of him who smiles encouragingly.
"Alright, I'm going to give you a few very simple stretches to do on your own time whenever you're feeling sore or have a spare minute. They'll help your knee and hip adjust to the increase of weight and strain ok?" Zayn nods. "I'm also giving you some low dosage pain meds that'll help with aches you'll feel in the beginning. Your fracture was a clean one, so I really don't foresee any complications in the future, but just to be sure, please go easy the first few days." Zayn nods again. "And these are your friends here? They go to college with you?"
"We're his family," Louis tells the doctor, voice hoarse. Zayn shoots him a concerned look, almost misses the small smile that plays at the doctor's lips.
"Alright then. I'm going to need something from you two as well. Zayn will want to walk with a sort of limp for the next few days, favoring his good leg over his bad one. Whenever you see him do that you have my permission to hit him on the head," she says.
"Wicked," Niall plays along good-naturedly.
"You don't know what you've unleashed," Zayn smiles at her and the doctor laughs a small laugh before looking seriously at him.
"Zayn, honey, I read your file. I want to be frank with you. The fact of the matter is, if you were admitted here originally, well. We would never have let you walk out without a psych consult." Niall's fingers tighten, "I can set you up with someone here or -"
"I'm ok, I'm fine," Zayn tells her firmly. From his left, Louis makes a small noise. His jaw is clenched tightly and his mouth is set in a line.
"I'm not sure your friends - your family," she corrects herself, "would agree." Zayn looks away. "There's no harm in talking to someone Zayn. You might be ok now, you might be ok in the next month, but if anything ever comes up," she hands him a business card, "this is the number of my good friend who works upstairs. She would be happy to help you."
Zayn watches her glance at Niall and Louis in turn, and then she turns back to him slowly.
"And Zayn? It's not uncommon for victims of abuse to feel worthless, broken, undeserving. It's normal, but it couldn't be farther from the truth, make sure you remember that." She pats his knee gently, gets up to give him space. On his right, Niall turns away from him, but Zayn can still see her swipe at her cheeks. His stomach clenches and he swallows past the lump in his throat, "Come on then," the doctor continues after a moment, smiling warmly at him, "up and at em!"
He gets up gingerly, hesitant to put weight on his leg, but with the doctor's encouraging smile he leans into it, relief taking over when it feels solid beneath him.
"Thank god," he says hoarsely. Louis comes to rest his hand in the small of Zayn's back and his forehead in Zayn's hair.
"You're welcome," Louis deadpans into his ear after a moment, voice deep and melodramatic. Zayn bursts into laughter.
--
"What're you two so cheery about" Zayn asks, bewildered. He'd opened the door of their suite to find Harry and Niall taking up the entire doorframe, grinning wildly at him. Louis comes up behind Zayn to make silly faces at the pair over Zayn's shoulder and Niall pulls out two dutches, holds them in a vee with one hand, the smirk in her eyes reflected in the tilt of Harry's mouth.
"Christ, get in here," Zayn says hurriedly, checking the halls after them to make sure the RA's not out and about. Niall and Harry are laughing.
"Tonight, we are celebrating," Louis says, coming to pull Zayn close by the string of his hoodie, a gleam in his eye that spells mischief. Zayn feels himself return the grin, almost on instinct, slow and steady.
"It's the good stuff," Niall says, "One for you," she hands him one, "and one for us." Zayn's eyes widen. Well alright, this could be fun.
"Are we going to the attic? Where's Liam?" the three of them exchange glances.
"Liam had another idea about how to celebrate. We convinced him to wait until tomorrow," Harry tells him.
"Alright," Zayn says slowly, forehead still creased in confusion.
"And tonight we won't be going to the attic," Niall informs him, smirking at Louis.
"Ah yes," Louis loops an arm around Harry, tugs him closer for a kiss. "Tonight, we walk."
--
They walk down into the depth of Riverside Park, deserted at this hour, shadows cast by skinny trees and vacant benches and a freeway that sounds like the sea. Below them the Hudson River winds it's way along the skyline, so pretty but only in cover of night. Their path is lined with streetlamps that seem to burn brighter and more out of control with every inhalation of toke. And they go on and on, these streetlights, ending at a point forever away. Forever point, Zayn thinks. He watches the way Louis and Harry smoke together, arms intertwined, taking steps that are out of sync and mismatched yet equidistant. They stop every few paces so that Louis can blow sweet smoke into Harry's mouth with every drag, so that between them nothing is wasted. They'll make it to forever point, Zayn thinks.
He takes his own drag, crosses his eyes to watch the embers burn. Niall bumps into him then, and he almost chokes but instead he cups her chin firmly, brings her open mouth to his and exhales. She lets most of the smoke go on a giggle, eyes half lidded and high when they pull away. She tucks her hand in his, laces their fingers together and tugs him to an edge where they can look out into darkness, blank canvas for their own images.
"I see home," she whispers into his shoulder, "Green landscapes and football fields and the studio where I danced."
"I can see," he stumbles over his words, waits for his thoughts to slow and center, "Liam," he says finally, "and that stupid smile of his." Niall laughs, high and bright, bumping elbows with him in simple comradeship, like she can see him too.
"Hey," pouts Harry coming round his other side, "I want laughs too."
"We're watching Liam," Niall informs him. "He's smiling."
"Ok," Harry agrees, turning to watch too. Louis comes up behind Harry, wraps arms around his waist and leans a chin on his elbow, changes the picture.
"I can see an end," he tells them, "that kind of looks like a beginning? School diplomas and shared apartments and Zayn never doing laundry and Harry making the breakfast omelettes."
"Oh god," groans Harry, wrinkling his nose, "Louis -" he whines. Louis kisses his neck what'd i do?
"Food," Niall declares, "Right now."
Harry nods his agreement.
"Fuck, what I'd do for an omelet right now," he moans, turning in Louis' arms to kiss him on the mouth this is all your fault.
"Cookie dough, and potato chips, and fuck, vanilla milkshakes, please," Niall says.
"Pass the dutch," Louis whines, "You're babysitting." Zayn watches the tricky exchange of the almost roach between clumsy fingers, the hiss of Louis' breath setting Zayn on edge. He takes another drag of his own, paranoia turning him to watch the road, double check for any lone dog walkers or lost cops. It's like a crack in his vision, what Louis said about their future, and he sees it plain as day down the path lined with street lamps, a crack that cuts through. And he sucks in a breath with the feelings that rush at him, make him lose his footing.
And just like that, Louis's there, steadying him with a hand in the vee of his shoulders.
"You alright?" he murmurs, head tilted up to stare straight into Zayn's eyes. Zayn tries to slide a mask in place but it's translucent and he knows Louis isn't fooled. "I'm sorry, Zayn," Louis breathes out in a rush. "With the Varsity Show and then Harry I -. I've just been wrapped up in my own shit, haven't I? Fuck, I'm a dick."
Zayn stares at him.
"I think we've all been pretty wrapped up in your shit," he says and fuck that's really not what he meant to say but his thoughts are moving so fast. Louis bites his lip.
"Are you alright?" he asks. Zayn looks up behind him to where Harry and Niall have laid out on the grass. It's just the two of them. It's just Louis. Zayn takes a deep breath.
"I dunno," he says. And suddenly he's grateful for the buzz, makes it easy to be honest. "George is. He's so far at the edge of my thoughts and I'm happy about it, I'm so fucking thrilled about it but it also scares the shit out of me because I know exactly who I have to thank." Louis is smiling at him.
"You said his name, without stuttering or like, hesitation," Louis is fucking beaming at him. Like a kid on Christmas. Did he not just hear anything Zayn's said. "I could kiss Liam." And. Oh. Zayn rolls his eyes.
"If you weren't with Harry, I'd almost think that was a good idea," Zayn mutters. Louis' eyes widen and then he shakes his head.
"No. No, Zayn. C'mon. We're not. We're not doing this again," there's frustration, plain as day on his face, and Zayn takes a step away, narrowing his eyes darkly. Louis swears under his breath. "Tell me you don't like him Zayn. Tell me it's not killing you to keep him at arm's length."
"I - I don't keep him at arm's length," Zayn mumbles, and it's true. He's gotten weak about it, self-indulgent.
"You're. Listen, here's an idea. Tell him how you feel, and then let him decide what he deserves. Isn't that fair?" But Zayn is already shaking his head.
"You don't see it, Lou -"
"Right, because I only see the way he looks at you like you're the fucking queen of England."
"I see the way he looks at me, alright," Zayn snaps, "I get it, ok? I'm beautiful and tragic and he wants to mend me or whatever, I dunno. But trust me, Louis. He doesn't know what he's getting himself into and if he did know he wouldn't want me. I'm doing him a favor."
Louis blinks up at him, the look he shoots him almost causes Zayn physical pain. If looks can kill, isn't that the saying?
"What about you then?" Louis asks quietly, resigned almost. "I see the way look at him too. You want him, Zayn, I know you do."
And Zayn can't lie, not to Louis. It's infuriating.
"Yeah," he breathes out. "But I'll manage. He's just. He's Liam, you know? It's hard for me to stay away." Louis's regarding him with an unreadable expression when Zayn looks up at him again. "What?"
"Nothing. I just. I can tell. You've spent, what, two nights in his bed in one week?"
Zayn blushes. Shit, he's let this get way out of hand.
"I'm being selfish, I know, I just. I can't say no to him and I can't stay away and. Fuck. It's such a mess isn't it? I've been trying to pretend it isn't, but it is," he says despairingly. Louis pulls him into an unexpected hug then, hand pressing fingerprints into the back of his neck.
"You're breaking his heart, you know," Louis whispers fiercely. Zayn stiffens, squeezes his eyes shut. "You're breaking his heart and you're breaking yours too, and. It's stupid because you both make each other so happy." Zayn can't say anything to that and instead he wraps his arms around Louis tightly, lets himself be held for a moment.
In like a second he's surrounded by two more bodies, warm and firm behind and around him and over him.
"Group hug," giggles Niall delightedly, trying to squeeze her way in between Louis and Zayn. She sticks her hands in the pockets of Louis' sweater, pushes up into his frame. "Sing for us," she demands. He looks at her, amusement bleeding into the serious expression he has for Zayn.
"What do you want to hear?"
"Wait, can we go to the attic?" Harry asks excitedly, eyes wild, "We haven't made music together in ages."
"We can't go to the attic without Liam," Niall says firmly. Harry shrugs.
"We could call him. He's up, he was texting me like twenty minutes ago. C'mon, Lou," he wheedles, "It'll be fun."
"I'm um," Zayn starts, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "I'm actually going to head home," he says, avoids Niall's crestfallen look. "I'm exhausted you know. Long day."
"I'm going to go with you, actually," Louis speaks up, cups Harry's face to bring him down for a quick kiss. "You don't mind Haz, right?" Harry smiles warmly at him.
"Ugh you're leaving me alone with this one?" Harry whines, looping an arm around Niall and stealing her away from Louis.
"Let's go for milkshakes, Haz," she says, eyes bright. Harry laughs, lets himself be tugged along, shooting Louis and Zayn a warm glance over his shoulder.
"C'mon," Louis says, lacing their fingers together and leading Zayn back to Columbia. Zayn bites his lip, mutters a curse under his breath, and lights a cigarette, swallowing the first inhale almost desperately. Louis doesn't say anything for awhile, just lets him be with his thoughts, and that's almost worse, and Zayn thinks Louis knows that. Fuck him, though, really.
"So," Louis starts eventually, apparently having decided to take pity on him, "What are you going to do?"
Zayn sighs.
"Dunno. You're right, I have to -" he takes a deep breath, "I have to give him some space, let him move on," he lets out a small, sad laugh, "Let myself move on." Louis doesn't say anything but the tension rolls off him in waves.
"You have that thing tomorrow though," he says finally. Zayn furrows his brow.
"What thing?"
"Your celebration, the one Liam planned. Don't bail, he's so stoked about it Zayner. Just. Have this one night with him, and then, you can. Do what you think you need to do," there's a pained expression on his face, like he doesn't agree with a word he's saying but he doesn't argue with Zayn, doesn't try and change his mind, just asks this one thing of him. Zayn sighs again.
"Yeah, alright. That could be good, too, yeah? Closure and all that." They've reached their building by now and they flash IDs for the guard and wait for the elevator. Louis fidgets, opens and closes his mouth a few times but each time he decides the better of it, until finally he gives up with the internal argument that Zayn knows he's having with himself, just rests his head against Zayn's shoulder.
"M'sleepy," he says quietly.
"Weed coma," Zayn affirms, enjoying the way his limbs feel heavy. They collapse together into Zayn's bed, and Zayn utters a silent thanks for the like twenty fifth time that day for how easy again to do something as simple as tug his trousers off. Louis tangles himself up in him, and Zayn lets him, even though his body is too warm and his stubble too scratchy.
"Good night Zayner," is the last thing Louis mumbles before he's fast asleep, breathing hot breath into Zayn's ear and pressing cold feet to Zayn's shin.
--
They're allowed to sleep as long as they want today. Apparently that means until Harry comes poking into their room.
"Hey, you two, wake up," he says, sitting on the edge of the bed and poking at Louis' shoulder. Louis turns and grunts at him and Zayn takes the opportunity to steal back the covers.
"Time is it?" Louis mutters.
"Like, a little after four," Harry laughs.
"C'mere," Louis says, reaching with a heavy hand to pull Harry into bed. There's no room but they make it work, tucked into each other like peas in a pod or something equally ridiculous. Zayn's got his arms draped around Louis' waist and Louis' got his face pressed into Harry's chest and Harry interlaces Zayn's hands where they rest on Louis' hip and kisses Louis on the forehead.
"You both are ridiculous," he tells them, and Zayn hears the chuckle in his voice and wonders idly what it's like to wake up to that every morning.
"Shh," Louis murmurs, tilting his chin up to kiss Harry and Zayn lets his body drift back to sleep until he hears the kisses become deeper.
"M'still here, " he reminds them helpfully. Harry laughs a little breathlessly into Louis' mouth and turns their kisses chaste, bringing Louis back from the brink of arousal.
"Love you," Louis mumbles sleepily, tucking himself into Harry once more. Zayn's eyes fly open quick enough to see the way those two words make Harry light up like the fucking sun, dimples set deep.
--