As much as things change, they stay the same. And that's kinda nice.
This weekend I did something I wasn't looking forward to and attended the wedding of someone who I used to be very close too for a long time. A guy friend from college, who played the role of my best guy friend for many many years through my 20's and into my 30's. By 30, he was a bit smothering in his friendship and I unconsciously worked at moving away from him. He had given me an undeserved and unrequested first place in his life, even though we weren't romantically inclined. I don't even think he was attracted to me, but for some reason he decided to but me on this pedestal that was unhealthy. Nice and flattering but unhealthy. I distanced myself and he met new friends and had a few relationships. Eventually it was easy for us to drift because our differences became as vast as a sea.
By the time I decided to leave NYC, we were squarely on separate paths in life and not at odds about it. It was just how our friendship grew. Suddenly after I left, he met a girl, fell in loved and moved back to his hometown of D.C. to live with her.
Since we both moved, we haven't done a great job of staying in touch but we kept up. There was nothing unfriendly about us.
So he proposed to the girl, it happened very quickly, and then they planned the wedding to follow quickly (all of this happened in a little over a year) and as lives tend to be, ours were both busy, so I never had the opportunity to meet his fiance. And here we were, wedding weekend.
In truth, I had no ill feelings toward him or her, but I did regret not having met her before their wedding day. Then I felt slighted that he hadn't made the effort to bring her to meet ME. I guess my ego was a little bruised, remembering many years and many gf's that he would (unfairly) warn that they had to gain my approval to date him. That used to drive me crazy, because it gave me power I didn't want and embarrassed me on behalf of these demeaned girls who would try so hard to be my friend because they liked him. I'll admit it though, yes, it was flattering that my opinion meant so much to him, even though I vehemently voiced how wrong that was.
I also dreaded seeing some of our other college friends, which is silly because we're all like family. We hardly separated after college; we just moved the party into NYC and made that our campus. Literally, we all went to NYC. Many of them were in the same industry and the rest of us were looped into everything. We threw business each others way, we shared leads, we hooked each other up with jobs and contacts, we met up for happy hours and saw each other at what became our annual parties. Some of us remained roommates into our 30's. A lot of my friends did get married, a bunch of them to each other, and others to spouses they met through our college group.
Because we *are* so close, and we're mostly upper-middle class Irish Catholic, there's plenty of gossiping. So-and-so didn't make his bonus figure, so-and-so gained weight, so-and-so looks anorexic, so-and-so still isn't married, etc. We all acknowledged our cattiness with our favorite saying in college: "Be there or be talked about." And that's the god's honest truth.
These people are probably my closest friends in the world and if I were to ever be in a major jam or need help, they would move mountains to bail me out. Same with me, for them. However, I know the second I walk out of a room, they are kicking shit about me. I do the same thing to each of them. It's how we do.
Knowing that, I just did not feel like dealing. I've been so happy lately, I didn't want to open up any potential mood killers. I've also packed on mucho lbs since college, which both embarrasses and stresses me out. Somehow, they've all LOST weight. *And* had kids. Literally, every single one of them has lost weight since college. I can imagine what they must say about me. Literally. That's the problem.
There was nothing I could do about my weight now and I certainly couldn't bail on a longtime friend's wedding, so I sucked it up and went. Of course it was fine. It's not like anyone would have said anything to my face. And many reverted back to college behavior. The groom kept us up until 4am the night before the wedding.
I ended up having a nice time, although decidedly low key. People were definitely disappointed by my early exits (by early, I mean 1am, then getting UP for late night in my room until past 4am and 2:30 am the wedding night. apparently that was unacceptable)
My friend's new bride is lovely. Absolutely perfect for him. Our moment together, and it was one moment, was a bit "My Best Friend's Wedding" when Julia Roberts realizes that Cameron Diaz is the perfect girl for her best friend and that Cameron is hopelessly in love with him. I felt an enormous happiness surround me, maybe contagious from her glow as a new bride in love, as she genuinely took my hands and intertwined our fingers, gently squeezing mine and sincerely looking into my face and telling me how wonderful it was to finally meet me, that she feels like she knows me from all of the stories and times that her now-husband speaks of me to her.
This may be strange to say, but her bliss spellbound me. It was magnetic and powerful. Heady. I might have given her my wallet had she asked. She made me happy because she is perfect for my friend, and obviously in love with him, and that kind of "true love" is too rare. I was totally stoked for him/them.
Tomorrow, I head to Chicago for a few days for work. Shouldn't be too bad, but I am beat after the weekend and clearly on a weird sleep schedule. I've booked myself solid in Chi-town, with more college friends and some former biz contacts to see in 2 days time. I guess I can sleep on the plane, so no complaints...for now.
By the time I decided to leave NYC, we were squarely on separate paths in life and not at odds about it. It was just how our friendship grew. Suddenly after I left, he met a girl, fell in loved and moved back to his hometown of D.C. to live with her.
Since we both moved, we haven't done a great job of staying in touch but we kept up. There was nothing unfriendly about us.
So he proposed to the girl, it happened very quickly, and then they planned the wedding to follow quickly (all of this happened in a little over a year) and as lives tend to be, ours were both busy, so I never had the opportunity to meet his fiance. And here we were, wedding weekend.
In truth, I had no ill feelings toward him or her, but I did regret not having met her before their wedding day. Then I felt slighted that he hadn't made the effort to bring her to meet ME. I guess my ego was a little bruised, remembering many years and many gf's that he would (unfairly) warn that they had to gain my approval to date him. That used to drive me crazy, because it gave me power I didn't want and embarrassed me on behalf of these demeaned girls who would try so hard to be my friend because they liked him. I'll admit it though, yes, it was flattering that my opinion meant so much to him, even though I vehemently voiced how wrong that was.
I also dreaded seeing some of our other college friends, which is silly because we're all like family. We hardly separated after college; we just moved the party into NYC and made that our campus. Literally, we all went to NYC. Many of them were in the same industry and the rest of us were looped into everything. We threw business each others way, we shared leads, we hooked each other up with jobs and contacts, we met up for happy hours and saw each other at what became our annual parties. Some of us remained roommates into our 30's. A lot of my friends did get married, a bunch of them to each other, and others to spouses they met through our college group.
Because we *are* so close, and we're mostly upper-middle class Irish Catholic, there's plenty of gossiping. So-and-so didn't make his bonus figure, so-and-so gained weight, so-and-so looks anorexic, so-and-so still isn't married, etc. We all acknowledged our cattiness with our favorite saying in college: "Be there or be talked about." And that's the god's honest truth.
These people are probably my closest friends in the world and if I were to ever be in a major jam or need help, they would move mountains to bail me out. Same with me, for them. However, I know the second I walk out of a room, they are kicking shit about me. I do the same thing to each of them. It's how we do.
Knowing that, I just did not feel like dealing. I've been so happy lately, I didn't want to open up any potential mood killers. I've also packed on mucho lbs since college, which both embarrasses and stresses me out. Somehow, they've all LOST weight. *And* had kids. Literally, every single one of them has lost weight since college. I can imagine what they must say about me. Literally. That's the problem.
There was nothing I could do about my weight now and I certainly couldn't bail on a longtime friend's wedding, so I sucked it up and went. Of course it was fine. It's not like anyone would have said anything to my face. And many reverted back to college behavior. The groom kept us up until 4am the night before the wedding.
I ended up having a nice time, although decidedly low key. People were definitely disappointed by my early exits (by early, I mean 1am, then getting UP for late night in my room until past 4am and 2:30 am the wedding night. apparently that was unacceptable)
My friend's new bride is lovely. Absolutely perfect for him. Our moment together, and it was one moment, was a bit "My Best Friend's Wedding" when Julia Roberts realizes that Cameron Diaz is the perfect girl for her best friend and that Cameron is hopelessly in love with him. I felt an enormous happiness surround me, maybe contagious from her glow as a new bride in love, as she genuinely took my hands and intertwined our fingers, gently squeezing mine and sincerely looking into my face and telling me how wonderful it was to finally meet me, that she feels like she knows me from all of the stories and times that her now-husband speaks of me to her.
This may be strange to say, but her bliss spellbound me. It was magnetic and powerful. Heady. I might have given her my wallet had she asked. She made me happy because she is perfect for my friend, and obviously in love with him, and that kind of "true love" is too rare. I was totally stoked for him/them.
Tomorrow, I head to Chicago for a few days for work. Shouldn't be too bad, but I am beat after the weekend and clearly on a weird sleep schedule. I've booked myself solid in Chi-town, with more college friends and some former biz contacts to see in 2 days time. I guess I can sleep on the plane, so no complaints...for now.